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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

aibu to think this is disgusting?

176 replies

knowledgeispower · 20/08/2014 18:07

I recently started online dating and have met up with 2 guys. The first date went okay, there was no spark.

The second guy I met up with was a real sweetheart and we took to each other straight away. We arranged a second date and he stayed at mine. We dtd and it was wonderful. It was so good to feel wanted and desired again. He was really gentle, considerate and was a gent throughout. We had a condom split on the last time (4 tines in all) and I said of get the morning after pill and get the implant refitted. He admitted he's a worrier and I said well if it turned out I was to get pregnant I would always keep it as I couldn't abort for personal reasons. We carried on talking and he said something along the lines of: 'well I'd have to kick you in the cunt'....

I was totally shocked and told him so, he immediately backed down as he could see how disgusted I was. He said: 'do you really think I could do that to you'!

Apart from this comment he has been wonderful, he wants to see me again but I'm unsure!

Wwyd?

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 21/08/2014 06:06

No. No no no no no. He is broken. RUN.

WeAreEternal · 21/08/2014 07:44

Run, run fast and run now!

This isn't a warning flag, it's a huge neon sign.

His mask slipped for a second and you saw his true nature, I can guarentee that if this relationship was to continue in 3-6 months the kind, considerate sweetheart would be a distant memory and as the mask falls completely you will end up in a not so fun situation with at best an inconsiderate, selfish arse.

Itsfab · 21/08/2014 07:44

"It's not remotely within anything normal to say a thing like that, and not just because of the language. It wouldn't have been any better had he said 'vagina'. It was talk of a violent attack on your sexual parts. Really horrible."

...to kill you baby.

TillyWilly · 21/08/2014 08:15

You don't know him. You need to get to know someone before you have sex. A few more weeks of dating might have weeded him out before you potentially put yourself in a position where you could get pregnant.

kaykayblue · 21/08/2014 08:24

Even if he was just arsing around trying to be funny, you aren't obliged to find his sense of humour hilarious. At best, he sounds like an insensitive moron for making a comment like that during a conversation about a possible unwanted pregnancy.

If he uses language that you are uncomfortable with, or finds some "jokes" hilarious that you find not funny at all, then you have no reason to keep dating him. Just do whatever you feel.

WanderingTrolley1 · 21/08/2014 08:35

Get rid, now, OP.

pilates · 21/08/2014 08:39

Sounds like he let his guard down and you saw a peek of the real him.

Egghead68 · 21/08/2014 08:48

That's vile. I can't imagine anyone saying it.

Please ditch.

wtffgs · 21/08/2014 09:01

Yeuch!

Ditch.
Block.

dadwood · 21/08/2014 09:44

Hi OP

I am a man who developed my social skills pretty late and in my youth I have said some things to girls that I am uncomfortable about now.

Having said that, even if he was just joking in a totally inappropriate manner, his timing shows such very poor empathy and poor understanding of women that he's not going to make you happy.

normalishdude · 21/08/2014 09:48

Anyone who has ever said cunt is a cunt

chinamoon · 21/08/2014 10:00

I find it very hard to believe this post isn't a wind up.

You aren't truly wondering whether or not you should see him again are you? He has given you a very clear warning signal that he has violent urges and that he loathes women.

A normal man would say: 'can we at least discuss it', or 'I'd respect your decision', or 'that wouldn't be my first choice' or even a peevish, 'Don't I get a say?' etc. He'd treat you like an equal.

Are you winding everyone up?

On the off-chance you're not, don't ever see him again and take the MAP so you have no further connection with him. And makes some rules for yourself about your standards of self-respect and how you expect to be treated by men.

Hmmm2014 · 21/08/2014 10:26

Hideous. My ex was wonderful to start with - caring, kind, thoughtful, very attentive in the sex department. He stopped being kind and thoughtful and caring though, and turned out to be abusive, manipulative and destructive. He reeled me in. He once called me a horny bitch. I should have left right there and then. But he waited longer, so I was hooked by then. This man has told you what he is like. Listen, and get out is my advice.

LEMmingaround · 21/08/2014 10:50

I say cunt all the time (well not all the time ) my dp would use it in anger and even sexually. If he said that to me after 22 years together it would be a deal breaker.

Knackered123 · 21/08/2014 10:51

Yes it's disgusting. He is awful. The nice caring behaviour is not the real him. That is. If you stay with him, in a few years he will be saying things like that all the time. My advise would definitely be to get out now!!

AnnieLobeseder · 21/08/2014 10:56

Run.

There are so many things wrong with what he said I don't know where to start.

You owe him nothing.

You owe yourself everything.

I hope you did take the MAP because you definitely don't need him as a co-parent for the rest of your life.

LoveBeingInTheSun · 21/08/2014 11:03

when a man tells you what he is like, LISTEN

susiedaisy · 21/08/2014 11:05

They all start off nice make you feel special and wanted. Don't be fooled by that.

Using the word cunt is crude you barely know him and he finds it acceptable to use that word.

And to even joke about kicking you to get rid of a baby is sinister.

People often tell the truth and show their true colours through 'jokes'

Dump him

ouryve · 21/08/2014 11:07

Run. Even if he's not an aggressive arsehole and was genuinely joking, he's got a rather distorted sense of what is funny or appropriate.

ACheesePuff · 21/08/2014 11:13

To be honest, if he said this in an ironic/jokey kind of way, in isolation it wouldn't worry me.

I could easily say something like this to my dh eg, if you don't agree to a vasectomy, Ill have to kick you in the nuts Grin

brokenhearted55a · 21/08/2014 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chinamoon · 21/08/2014 11:29

CheesePuff you have the right to joke with your DH like that. This man was on a second date with a virtual stranger who he might have made pregnant. And he joked about violently attacking her so that she'd lose the baby. If that's second date best behaviour, I'd be seriously concerned what he's like when his guard is down.

chinamoon · 21/08/2014 11:32

I agree totally with the posters who say: when a man tells you what he is like, listen. He's testing the ground, even subconsciously, to check whether he can push you around and get you to put up with him at his worst.

Tbh, this is why I am so bemused why people sleep with stranger. Not out of any moral naiceness but I'd need to check out that he wasn't a tosser first before getting close.

LapsedTwentysomething · 21/08/2014 12:58

There's a differnece between having a black sense of humour and applying it with someone you haven't known long and in a sensitive context.

brokenhearted55a · 21/08/2014 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.