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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

aibu to think this is disgusting?

176 replies

knowledgeispower · 20/08/2014 18:07

I recently started online dating and have met up with 2 guys. The first date went okay, there was no spark.

The second guy I met up with was a real sweetheart and we took to each other straight away. We arranged a second date and he stayed at mine. We dtd and it was wonderful. It was so good to feel wanted and desired again. He was really gentle, considerate and was a gent throughout. We had a condom split on the last time (4 tines in all) and I said of get the morning after pill and get the implant refitted. He admitted he's a worrier and I said well if it turned out I was to get pregnant I would always keep it as I couldn't abort for personal reasons. We carried on talking and he said something along the lines of: 'well I'd have to kick you in the cunt'....

I was totally shocked and told him so, he immediately backed down as he could see how disgusted I was. He said: 'do you really think I could do that to you'!

Apart from this comment he has been wonderful, he wants to see me again but I'm unsure!

Wwyd?

OP posts:
cafesociety · 20/08/2014 21:49

What a complete aggressive vile idiot. Nasty piece of work.
Get away now and don't look back or I can see you will regret it big time if you don't.

Blu · 20/08/2014 21:50

It's not remotely within anyghing normal to say a thing like that, and not just because of the language. It wouldn't have been any better had he said 'vagina'. It was talk of a violent attack on your sexual parts. Really horrible.

Also, if someone was inclined to talk of a violent act designed to cause a miscarriage they would say 'punch you in the stomach' or something (and horrific at that). But an insanely sexually focused thought as 'kick you in the cunt'. ? Sounds disturbed and disturbing.

If he does have some sort of rough jocular blocey way of talking , or a warped Frankie Boyle sort of humour, he has no social skills or empathy if he thinks that after lovemaking, and when a woman he doesn't know that well might be feeing anxious, is the right time to excercise it.

Anyway, you were shocked, it's made you think twice, you don't have to justify your feelings. Go with your reaction.

Actually I don't like the way he tried to turn it back on you, with his 'you don't really think...." accusation.

You absolutely must cut contact, OP.

JustTheRightBullets · 20/08/2014 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cobo · 20/08/2014 22:27

My DP has been known to make inappropriate jokes at times, stuff that lots of people would probably be offended by ... but I honestly can't ever imagine him saying this. Or even something with a similar implication. He would certainly never use the word cunt like that, and he wouldn't in a million years have said it on our second date. Not bigging up my DP - just comparing him as someone who sometimes makes very dodgy jokes, but would draw the line at this.

In answer to your question, no, I wouldn't see him again.

NewEraNewMindset · 20/08/2014 22:32

To be honest I would be so disturbed by a comment like that that I wouldn't have to ask a bunch of strangers on the internet their opinion. I would get him out the door, have three showers to scrub him off me, change the bedding and boil wash it then get the MAP immediately. Block his number and delete all communication.

freemanbatch · 20/08/2014 22:36

I told my fiance that I had once been sexually assaulted by a past partner and his response was 'it must be weird knowing i could do that any time I liked' I didn't take notice of the warning and spent 10 years being abused, sexually assaulted and raped by him.

The lesson I learned was if they give you a warning do what's best for you and get out!!

BringMeSunshine2014 · 20/08/2014 22:52

freemanbatch :( Flowers You poor love, that's

velouria · 20/08/2014 23:01

Eeeew run like the wind

velouria · 20/08/2014 23:03

Oh and my ex told me outright he was a mysoginist, and after spying on me through a mumsnet thread, found out that I was once raped, then proceeded to have a go at me about it Hmm. Proper charmer, take any hints, well not hints more hammer blows like this and ignore him and don't look back, nothing good will come of it.

Oneeyedbloke · 20/08/2014 23:07

YANBU. Revolting. But only you can tell if he meant it as a - totally unacceptable and puerile - joke. You say he immediately backed down. How old is he?

IF under about 21, and/or very inexperienced in relationships, then maybe, just maybe this is a sad attempt at humour that you should tell him is the unfunniest thing he's probably ever said. Some guys are THAT stupid. Minimum, you should give him the cold shoulder for weeks.

If not, then don't take the risk. Back on the internet, find a guy with a real sense of humour.

RainbowB7 · 20/08/2014 23:07

Disgusting.

I agree its actually not the language that is the main problem. It's the violence and want to exert control over your body, your decisions and any possible pregnancy.

Just vile.

Flossiex2 · 20/08/2014 23:08

That's not my idea of a second 'date' and I'm sure it's not yours either.

weebleknievel · 20/08/2014 23:10

That is a really creepy thing to say and would make me feel un-nerved at the very least! With him passing it off as a joke it seems as if he could turn out to be one of those who appears normal to the outside world but is abusive to his partner. Did you watch the recent drama (based on a true story) "The Widower"? Just made me think of that type of situation. GET OUT OP!

MexicanSpringtime · 20/08/2014 23:14

Oops, sorry to be the dissenting voice here, just read page 1, but my friends and I used to have a really black sense of humour and though written baldly like that it sounds awful, it reminds me of the sort of things we used to say.

mustardtomango · 20/08/2014 23:21

Trust yourself... Yes, it's disgusting. You've no ties after 2 dates, get out now. Hideous.

JustTheRightBullets · 20/08/2014 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TapWellies · 20/08/2014 23:32

MexicanSpringtime How old were you when you used to say this sort of thing?

Zazzles007 · 20/08/2014 23:33

I've hung around these threads to learn more about how to protect myself in relationships and have learnt so much. The OP sent alarm bells ringing through my head. I would take this as a warning to get the fuck out of this relationship. This man has a seriously violent streak about him. Don't wait to find out if this transpires in real life.

AlpacaYourThings · 20/08/2014 23:35

Oh dear god, YANBU. That is a revolting thing to say, on so many levels.

Do you really need to ask about seeing him again?!

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 20/08/2014 23:35

Nothing to do with the word 'cunt', just the fact that he joked he would have to kick you in the cunt if you got pregnant and wanted to keep it would send me running. It's completely unbelievable. Even if he was the most amazing man in the world, I would run run run...........

HavanaSlife · 20/08/2014 23:36

You tell him you wouldn't have a termination and he tells you he'd have to kick you in the cunt.

Just fuck him off

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 20/08/2014 23:50

*You tell him you wouldn't have a termination and he tells you he'd have to kick you in the cunt.

Just fuck him off

...*

This. Times 1000

HavanaSlife · 20/08/2014 23:58

Thing is they are all sweethearts, lovely, real gents in the beginning. It's how they suck you in, then you find these sorts of little comments start to come out after a while, but by then you really like them; and it's just a joke right? Because he's lovely the rest of the time.

Two dates in a just wouldn't bother after that comment, it's not worth the it.

Oneeyedbloke · 21/08/2014 01:49

Right then, if you know for sure that his comment wasn't said as a bad joke then that's that. PedantMarina's comment seems particularly sensible. Plus, are 100 women gonna be wrong on something like this? Get out while you can.

PedantMarina · 21/08/2014 05:59

In fairness, oneeyed, it was DP's comment - he's had some experience if sociopaths.

My comment would have been more non-verbal, like kicking his balls up to the roof of his mouth showing him the door.