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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Its been 14 years, how do I do this?!

152 replies

HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 19:51

I met my ex 14 years ago. I was 17 and he was 29.

We had two children together but not until my early 20's.
Roll on now, Im 31 and he is 44 and hes had no where to live (a caravan thats tiny and full of work tools and only fits one adult anyway) for 3 years.

A year ago someone reported me to benefit fraud because someone thought he was living with me. It really put me at risk, I reduced how often he saw the the kids (at mine) and even when he did I ask him to take them to soft play or the park.

But I still feel at risk, have never had a weekend/or even day off or a lie in.

He will try to make amends by turning up early occasionally, but Ive always been up an hour with the youngest.

The last year, Ive called housing benefit and found out that he can get help despite the fact he works full time, he can get help with rent and deposit because he is ex army and Ive persuaded him to get on the housing list because he us technically homeless.

Its been a year. (In the whole scheme of things, I feel like its been 14 years but thats another thread)

And tonight we had YET another disagreement about it. Me saying FIND A PLACE TO LIVE yet again and him giving all excuses.

Ive said stop giving me maintenance, forever if needs be, just PLEASE find a place to live so he can take the kids.

Still its not happening.

What the HELL do I do, pleas help me. Other than stopping him seeing the kids which Im totally not willing to do, what is there?

Im really desperate.

OP posts:
MillyDots · 16/08/2014 19:55

It sounds like he doesn't want to get a house really. Is that it?

HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 19:57

No of course he doesnt. Sad

OP posts:
HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 19:57

But he HAS to. How do I make him??

OP posts:
HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 20:21

Ive just left a message to womains aid for a call back, is that too extreme?

Im really, really open to suggestions.

Anyone?

Please?

OP posts:
heyday · 16/08/2014 20:55

He is an adult so you can't make him do anything really. You could perhaps start phoning up places to rent and offer to go with him to view them and help him with all the paperwork. I think some people are just happy to bum about and he very much sounds like one of those types of people.
I'm afraid that you really are unlikely to resolve this one unless you can rent him a room at your place and you can get yourself off of benefits.
You better get used to not having a break from the kids, it's a fact if life for thousands of parents I'm afraid.

HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 20:56

Really?? No one??

PLEASE? Anything. Any suggestions. Any at all, please.

OP posts:
HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 20:58

X posted sorry readin post now

OP posts:
HumblePieMonster · 16/08/2014 20:59

Find another relative or friend who can take your children sometimes and give you a break.

You can't force this man to take on a house.

FreeSpirit89 · 16/08/2014 21:01

You cant make him do anything he doesn't want to do unfortunately. Maybe he is happy living in his caravan, maybe he just doesn't want the kids over night, and is happy to remain in the situation he is in.

Twinklestein · 16/08/2014 21:01

I don't know why you think he can't see. He can see he just doesn't want to get a house or be more involved with the children. He's obviously happy with the amount he sees the children as it is.

So I guess you either accept the status quo or move on.

gamerchick · 16/08/2014 21:01

There really isn't anything you can do.. if he's happy living in a caravan then he'll have to crack on with it.

It won't be like this forever, kids grow up and you get more free time.

HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 21:01

"You better get used to not getting a break from the kids."

Really? Is that really, really what I need to do? Did Feminism just ditch me altogether then? Im fucking crying, this is a shit state of affairs, I cant do this for 18 years, I really fucking cant.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 16/08/2014 21:01

Snap free spirit.

gamerchick · 16/08/2014 21:03

How old are your kids.. I'm to tired to do the math. They aren't littlys are they?

HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 21:04

Wow, fucking hell, good on him, he did alright didnt he? Sly! No bills, control your ex, she gets no freedom, and the okay from the mumsnet lot.

Job done.

Fucking HELL.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 16/08/2014 21:05

Where did he live before the caravan?

If you need a break from the kids, do you have family or friends who could help?

BOFster · 16/08/2014 21:09

Oh love, it's hardly the ok- it's just trying to point out that you are wasting your time trying to force him into permanent housing if he doesn't want it. You can't make him, really you can't.

Women's Aid is a good idea if they can signpost you to some support. I know there have been cuts, but people here might know if organisations like SureStart or HomeStart can help you too.

HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 21:09

He always lived in the caravan.

And promised me the world. And failed to deliver, I was stupid to believe him.

My fault, yes?

OP posts:
butterflybuttons · 16/08/2014 21:09

stop allowing him access to your home - if he wants to see the kids he takes them elsewhere. You need strict boundaries. Where he lives is up to him - you can't make him do anything, but you have to protect yourself.

Twinklestein · 16/08/2014 21:09

Xpost, he's not getting the ok from me I think he's an arse. If he doesn't contribute have you been to the CSA?

BOFster · 16/08/2014 21:11

I can hear how frustrated you are, but nobody is blaming you. There are a LOT of shitty fathers out there, judging by so many posts on mumsnet. I don't believe any woman 'asks for it'- who would?

HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 21:13

Hes not a shit father, hes a clever and controling ex.

OP posts:
momnipotent · 16/08/2014 21:19

My advice would be not to make things so easy for him. He doesn't get to sit in your nice warm kitchen while he visits the kids, he has to take them out. Every single time. He'll soon get tired of the park/soft play/whatever and hopefully that will motivate him to get somewhere a bit more permanent where the kids can just sit and play or watch TV.

If he is ex-army is it possible he is suffering from some kind of PTSD that makes him reluctant to settle down somewhere? Perhaps an organization that helps ex-servicemen could offer advice.

HumblePieMonster · 16/08/2014 21:19

He refuses to be the man you want him to be.
Women have had this problem all around the world, all through time. The vast majority of posts in 'Relationships' are saying the same thing - it all comes down to him wanting different things from them.

He won't do it. You can feel as bad as you like, have a rant here, but ultimately, you have to make the arrangements you need in your life without relying on him.

fruitandbarley · 16/08/2014 21:19

Tell him your swapping x amount of times per week/month, and he stays at yours, and your having his caravan so you can have a break.
It would be very awkward for him to refuse and with any luck he might hate the idea of you taking over his caravan.