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Original poster

Its been 14 years, how do I do this?!

152 replies

HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 19:51

I met my ex 14 years ago. I was 17 and he was 29.

We had two children together but not until my early 20's.
Roll on now, Im 31 and he is 44 and hes had no where to live (a caravan thats tiny and full of work tools and only fits one adult anyway) for 3 years.

A year ago someone reported me to benefit fraud because someone thought he was living with me. It really put me at risk, I reduced how often he saw the the kids (at mine) and even when he did I ask him to take them to soft play or the park.

But I still feel at risk, have never had a weekend/or even day off or a lie in.

He will try to make amends by turning up early occasionally, but Ive always been up an hour with the youngest.

The last year, Ive called housing benefit and found out that he can get help despite the fact he works full time, he can get help with rent and deposit because he is ex army and Ive persuaded him to get on the housing list because he us technically homeless.

Its been a year. (In the whole scheme of things, I feel like its been 14 years but thats another thread)

And tonight we had YET another disagreement about it. Me saying FIND A PLACE TO LIVE yet again and him giving all excuses.

Ive said stop giving me maintenance, forever if needs be, just PLEASE find a place to live so he can take the kids.

Still its not happening.

What the HELL do I do, pleas help me. Other than stopping him seeing the kids which Im totally not willing to do, what is there?

Im really desperate.

OP posts:
BringMeSunshine2014 · 16/08/2014 22:02

He is not a good father.

He does not adore them.

He is not playing a proper role in their lives.

That is HIS CHOICE.

You need to accept that and stop making out he's Dad of the Year. He is controlling and manipulating you into that way of thinking. He's a waste of space. He has everyone trying to help him and he's CHOOSING not to get a house in which would give him a shot at being a decent father.

Your children are 3 & 7. What time do they go to bed? Do they sleep well? Are they in a good routine? Well behaved etc or a 'bit of a challenge'?

Original poster
HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 22:02

*bawl ffs

OP posts:
MillyDots · 16/08/2014 22:03

Do you home educate? If your child goes to school then you will have time on your own wont you?Confused

zzzzz · 16/08/2014 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Karenthetoadslayer · 16/08/2014 22:04

I am not a martyr, I really enjoy being with my children, and my DD was a sickly baby too and needed care round the clock. I still did not "need a break".

As MillyDots suggested, they will be back at school soon and your three year old may be getting a space in nursery.

Do you work?

BringMeSunshine2014 · 16/08/2014 22:06

I've just read your post about your DS not 'being well' when he was born, how does that manifest itself now? What help do you need with him now?

Karenthetoadslayer · 16/08/2014 22:07

I am sure you are entitled to free nursery care when they are three? Has that changed? Your local council should know. I think people are even encouraged to take up these spaces so the children can go to preschool.

Original poster
HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 22:08

No he hasnt always lived in a caravan, Im not sure where I said that, I will have to read back. But thanks for pointing out the important bits and helping me. Hmm

bringmesunshine apt usenamer Smile they go to bed before 7.45 excellent routine, and the eldest behaves lovelym but answers back as much as id expect a child his age to. Less than I did at his age! The youngest is a nightmare but the poor might is in an out of hospital and on so many different drugs it doesnt bare thinking about. A lot of which have a detrimental effect of behaviour.

They sleep through now, most nights.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 22:08

mill of my 7 yo goes to school, why would I be home alone?

Who has my 3 year old?

OP posts:
MillyDots · 16/08/2014 22:09

Ok you are just plain rude.

gamerchick · 16/08/2014 22:10

I don't want to upset you though.. I just want you to realise that you're not totally powerless. He's a manipulative prick who cosys up to his tools in a single caravan for one.. his whole life is existing and seeing his kids and from what i've gleaned his world will stay that small for a long time. You on the other hand will get to a point where life will get easier as your kids grow up and the things he does will matter less and less.. I can guarantee that i think.

I understand the place you're in, start small to make changes.

HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 22:11

Millydots not before you. Smile

OP posts:
MillyDots · 16/08/2014 22:11

People have suggested things to you but you keep coming back with negative responses to every single thing.
You need to change your attitude to your ex and see if you can get a place for your little one in nursery. Little one will be in school soon anyway.

gamerchick · 16/08/2014 22:12

I'm sure younglings are entitled to some sort of respite when they have medical needs aren't they?

BringMeSunshine2014 · 16/08/2014 22:12

I think if you had mentioned your DS's health issues in your first post you would have got less people asking you why you need a break from your children. It is really, really draining when you have children with additional needs of any kind, especially though, when it involves hospital stays.

Do you think he's scared of having DS overnight?

If it were me, I'd start by getting them in bed earlier (probably as the nights get darker) - but I'm an old fashioned dragon who values her evenings!

Do you need help finding funding/care/assistance due to your DS's needs?

zzzzz · 16/08/2014 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhMyArsingGodInABox · 16/08/2014 22:13

Wow.

You are very angry, and not at the right people.

Did you used to be Milkmonster, by any chance?

Original poster
HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 22:14

Thank you gamerchick. There are no answers there but you have no idea how much I appreciate reading that.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 16/08/2014 22:14

You sound totally overwhelmed. Do try not to be so defensive. Being a parent is bloody hard work. Especially if your child has additional needs (you don't say what they are).

I am not sure I have the full picture of what is going on. You are allowed to have people in your hone. Your ex included. So I can't see why he has felt the need to reduce contact time.

What does he do when he visits the children? Does he just stay at your house? How long for?
Surely they WANT to go out with daddy. What happens when he there does he eat at your house?

As to your ds. You say he is poorly. Are you getting any support from social services? He should be able to go to some sort of out of the hime nursery care which he is entitled to 15 hours free per week. If he isnt able for this then maybe look into respite care. Talk to your gp maybe?

I do understand the need for a break but honestly. Many many parents don't have a break ftom the kids. Its the summer holidays just now and I can tell you I am desperate for five bloody minutes to myself and im nor even a single parent.

EarthWindFire · 16/08/2014 22:14

Karen no I do not work, I am a carer for my youngest child. He gets higher rate DLA. Did your 'sickly child'?

Were you considered a carer? Or just a patronising cunt?

You really are being rude OP. People are trying to help.

(And before you say anthing I am on higher rate mobility and care, have a degenerative condition that is only going to get worse and I have a carer)

MillyDots · 16/08/2014 22:15

Did you really just call someone a cunt??

perfumedlife · 16/08/2014 22:16

You said he always lived in the caravan at 21.09. I only asked for clarification as I thought it odd if he'd always lived apart from you, and in the caravan, why it was suddenly a problem now.

Not that it matters now, I won't engage with such a rude person further. Good luck.

Original poster
HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 22:17

gamerchick indeed they are.

Unfortunately its a very very long road to go down. One we are on, thank God.
However it isnt as easy as just finding your infant or toddler a nursery place. Even if your child is 'sickly' as a poster put it. Its way, way beyond that. I had nurseries point blank refusing to take him on despite it being quite literally illegal to discriminate.

millydots and karen may you two, lovely, open minded individuals never, ever step a day in my shoes.

OP posts:
Deverethemuzzler · 16/08/2014 22:18

Come on OP.
Its so clear you are at the end of your tether but you are getting angry at the wrong people here.

It sounds a nightmare. You sound knackered and distressed. I think everyone wants to help.

But there really isn't anything we can do except listen and make some suggestions.

I know you say he is a great father but he really isn't. Loving his kids doesn't make him a great dad. Dads are supposed to love their kids. He is not putting himself out. He is not providing a stable and safe home for them to visit him in.

He is doing fuck all and getting away with it.

Is your youngest in nursery yet? You should be eligible for 15 hours (sorry if I have missed any posts).

Concentrate on you and your kids. You just can't make him do anything. If you could it would have happened by now.

This is all part of his controlling. Imagine his glee if he knew you were having a meltdown on line and defending him to a load of strangers telling you he was a crap dad.

I hope you find a way.