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Original poster

Its been 14 years, how do I do this?!

152 replies

HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 19:51

I met my ex 14 years ago. I was 17 and he was 29.

We had two children together but not until my early 20's.
Roll on now, Im 31 and he is 44 and hes had no where to live (a caravan thats tiny and full of work tools and only fits one adult anyway) for 3 years.

A year ago someone reported me to benefit fraud because someone thought he was living with me. It really put me at risk, I reduced how often he saw the the kids (at mine) and even when he did I ask him to take them to soft play or the park.

But I still feel at risk, have never had a weekend/or even day off or a lie in.

He will try to make amends by turning up early occasionally, but Ive always been up an hour with the youngest.

The last year, Ive called housing benefit and found out that he can get help despite the fact he works full time, he can get help with rent and deposit because he is ex army and Ive persuaded him to get on the housing list because he us technically homeless.

Its been a year. (In the whole scheme of things, I feel like its been 14 years but thats another thread)

And tonight we had YET another disagreement about it. Me saying FIND A PLACE TO LIVE yet again and him giving all excuses.

Ive said stop giving me maintenance, forever if needs be, just PLEASE find a place to live so he can take the kids.

Still its not happening.

What the HELL do I do, pleas help me. Other than stopping him seeing the kids which Im totally not willing to do, what is there?

Im really desperate.

OP posts:
theendoftheendoftheend · 16/08/2014 21:20

My ex stays over at mine when I'm on lates or earlies to provide childcare, to keep in consistant for the children, and because although he doesn't in a caravan he has lodgers, random people in and out etc so his place isn't as suitable as their home (IMO) is that not allowed then?

gamerchick · 16/08/2014 21:20

Chill your beans a minute.. how is he controlling you? Nobody is saying that he's got the ok from any of us. If he was living with you and you wanted him out then you would get detailed advice on how to do that.

I do agree it's time to stop him coming in your house full stop. How old are your kids?

Original poster
HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 21:22

Yes. An organisation absolutely will help him. In fact, they agreed to pay his first months rent and deposit.

Did he take it up? Nope.

Because once he lives somewhere, it means having the kids there and he cant be here having control, and making sure Im back by a certain time.

He would never admit it, deny it in fact and act the total opposite if he was challenged, but it took me 13 long years to realise that he is controlling in a really sly way and Ive spent the last year trying and failing to break out.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 16/08/2014 21:24

Because once he lives somewhere, it means having the kids there and he cant be here having control, and making sure Im back by a certain time.

Stop letting him see the kids at yours.

Does he pay maintenance? Can you use that to pay for childcare and get some time off?

momnipotent · 16/08/2014 21:26

You need to get your boundaries in place. He doesn't come in to see the kids, he takes them out. He brings them back at a pre-arranged time and you do not let them back in until that time - go out if you can't ignore the doorbell.

Take back control!

gamerchick · 16/08/2014 21:26

Yes the first step is to stop letting him in the house. Why does he have to be in the house anyway?

Original poster
HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 21:26

He has full control on me since I was 17 years old and he is 12 years older.

Im not going into detail, Im not willing to drag up the past to prove to you that he has been controlling, Im not willing to repeat what he has said and done over all those years to show you that it isnt ME that needs to 'chill my beans.'

Im not continuing this thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 21:27

TO SEE THE FUCKING KIDS.

JESUS.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 16/08/2014 21:29

Erm...not sure why you are so mad at us?

We haven't got a magic wand love.

Original poster
HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 21:29

I tried a contact centre, before gamerchick suggests it. I filled out the forms, I made the calls.

They said they couldnt continue without his forms.

Guess what he did?

OP posts:
butterflybuttons · 16/08/2014 21:29

So it is up to you to take back that control and stop letting him into your house.

What do you want us to say to you? Nothing we can say or do is going to make him change is it. I don't understand why you are furious with us but not him.

Original poster
HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 21:29

Fuck all.

OP posts:
momnipotent · 16/08/2014 21:29

People are only making suggestions to try and help.. Not sure what your problem is?

gamerchick · 16/08/2014 21:30

Nobody is asking you to prove anything.. from the exasperation you're displaying it's obvious you feel backed into a corner. My ex was a complete and utter cunt who still reckons he's coming back 5 years after finally getting rid of him. Despite being married to somebody else now. These kinds of men are very hard to get rid of.

You can't make him do something but that doesn't mean you don't have any control over anything at all. Ban the twat from the house and make him take the kids out and be back at a certain time or he doesn't see them. You don't have to let him in.

momnipotent · 16/08/2014 21:31

When he comes to see the kids you are outside with them, coats on, all ready to go. The door does not open while he is there so he can't push his way in or whatever. If he wants to see them he takes them away.

Original poster
HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 21:31

I dont want you to say anything.

I just dont want to be blamed or told I have to chill my beans, patronised further or told I have to deal with situation because he chooses to live in a caravan.

Or worse still that I have to "better get used to not having a break from the kids."

I mean, its no wonder Im angry.

OP posts:
butterflybuttons · 16/08/2014 21:32

And if he doesn't fill in the forms for the contact centre then he doesn't see the kids. Why are you letting him into your home or near the kids if he is bad enough to warrant a contact centre?

You need to stop engaging with him on any level, get official child maintenance sorted out and official contact. If he refuses to man up and be a father then quite frankly that is his problem.

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/08/2014 21:33

I hate to say 'calm down' but perhaps walk away from the computer and come back after a break and maybe people can help you to start making changes that will help you. At the moment this is just going to end in one pulled thread and nobody helping you at all.

gamerchick · 16/08/2014 21:37

I'm sorry I use chill the beans a minute in place of calm down right now. Just ignore it I didn't mean to upset you.

I agree, take a little break from the computer and maybe we can help you come up with a battle plan.

Fairylea · 16/08/2014 21:40

To turn this on its head, why would you want someone who clearly has no interest or desire to play a proper role in the lives of your dc to have them? I understand that you need a break but he isn't the man for the job. So you need to explore other options - childcare, home start, widen your friendship circles so you can share babysitting etc etc.

I think you have to accept, for your own sanity, that he is an arse and isn't going to change. It doesn't make it right but surely you wouldn't want your dc to spend time with someone who clearly doesn't want to spend time with them.

Original poster
HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 21:42

Yes, you are right.

This isnt working at all. I will wake up tomorrow morning and continue as usual. I cant wait.

OP posts:
BringMeSunshine2014 · 16/08/2014 21:43

It's no wonder you are angry - I'm just puzzled why you are angry with people trying to help you? It's HIM you should be angry with.

He doesn't need to come into your house to see the kids.

Unfortunately you can't make someone else behave in a certain way. He's behaving like a controlling prick, you can't change that, but you can change what you do about it. Make him take the kids away from the house when he wants to see them and get a babysitter (swap with friends if you can't afford to pay someone) when you want to go out.

It's not 'fair' that he's a wanker, but you aren't alone in having an ex that's a controlling wanker - but YOU are the only one who can change your reaction to him.

Original poster
HowToMakeHimSEE · 16/08/2014 21:44

I never once said he didnt have an interest or desire to play a proper role in the kids lives.

He adores them.

(3 and 7 to answer a much earlier question)

He is an excellent father and treats them as a good father should.
He just doesnt want to lose control of me. And that is NOT me being Full of myself, believe me I am very much the opposite.

OP posts:
MillyDots · 16/08/2014 21:45

There have been some suggestions on the thread for you to explore for help with kids.
You cant change your ex, only the way you deal with him. That is what you need to change here, the way you deal with him.

Fairylea · 16/08/2014 21:47

But you don't need to say it - his actions show it. If he really wanted to be a proper parent, to share in the role of being a parent as you want him to, then he would have re homed himself by now. But he hasn't. It's easy to come to the conclusion that he isn't the great parent you think he is simply from that.

So all you are doing is expecting better from someone who isn't capable of better.

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