Its been 14 years, how do I do this?!

[HowToMakeHimSEE]

I met my ex 14 years ago. I was 17 and he was 29.

We had two children together but not until my early 20's.
Roll on now, Im 31 and he is 44 and hes had no where to live (a caravan thats tiny and full of work tools and only fits one adult anyway) for 3 years.

A year ago someone reported me to benefit fraud because someone thought he was living with me. It really put me at risk, I reduced how often he saw the the kids (at mine) and even when he did I ask him to take them to soft play or the park.

But I still feel at risk, have never had a weekend/or even day off or a lie in.

He will try to make amends by turning up early occasionally, but Ive always been up an hour with the youngest.

The last year, Ive called housing benefit and found out that he can get help despite the fact he works full time, he can get help with rent and deposit because he is ex army and Ive persuaded him to get on the housing list because he us technically homeless.

Its been a year. (In the whole scheme of things, I feel like its been 14 years but thats another thread)

And tonight we had YET another disagreement about it. Me saying FIND A PLACE TO LIVE yet again and him giving all excuses.

Ive said stop giving me maintenance, forever if needs be, just PLEASE find a place to live so he can take the kids.

Still its not happening.

What the HELL do I do, pleas help me. Other than stopping him seeing the kids which Im totally not willing to do, what is there?

Im really desperate.

My genuine post to help, and get you help, is ignored in order to abuse other posters - many of whom are regulars and experts at dealing with difficult situations. Some of whom have accepted a wealth of help and now taking their turn to give something back.

Kind of tells you what the real problem is here.

Over and out.

Ribbit, Ribbit, Karen!

I'm going to approach this from a slightly different tack as I have clients who live in caravans. Caravans are classed as temporary accommodation but they are still liable for council tax. If your ex pays council tax or is on the electoral register then he shouldn't be classed as 'no fixed abode'. That means he can prove where he lives and at least go back to giving you the extra support he gave you before the 'benefit fraud' accusation.

Karen "I don't quite get why you need a break from your DCs?"

Karen "I really still don't get why you need a break from your DCs."

Despite me explaining my circumstances.

Karen "I mean it's not that you have ten children, or so.

Unless you work all the hours when they are at school and you never get any time for yourself."

Karen "I don't quite get why you need a break from your DCs?

I have no family here either and my ex never looked after them and could not be trusted with them anyway, but why are you so desperate to get a break?

Does your three year old go to nursery? And the seven year old surely goes to school? Are you working when they are at school / nursery so you get no free time?"

So I explained that I have a child that wasnt born that well, and isnt as lucky as hers.

Karen "I really enjoy being with my children, and my DD was a sickly baby too and needed care round the clock. I still did not "need a break"

This is why I was a little defensive to the lovely Karen.

Zzzzzz yes that is it.

Its me.
Im the problem.

Reading that, just reading that...

Are you absolutely sure you're not Farmgirls/Milkmonster?

Because you really do post like she did, except her ex lived in a hoarded junk shop not a caravan.

She was a belligerent old fishwife as well.

You must have never been in a controlling relationship zzz

Im sorry for making this thread, but im not sorry for my defensiveness,

Do you actually want mumsnet to help? Because if you do, being rude to posters doesn't encourage a good outcome for you. To be frank, it is looking like you just want a fight. That might be out of frustration with your ex, but it isn't fair to people here.

You don't know what other people circumstances are as has been said. They may be better than yours or a million times worse. It doesn't matter as they are trying to help you.

You are now bullying and being abusive which is against MN guidelines.

Ive reported the thread myself, in hope that MNHQ show that its not a troll. Im going to hide the thread now.

Go girl power, eh.

Time for this thread to go 'poof'...

'Girl power' doesn't come into it!

Nomen est omen.

Its already been reported OP by a few people.

To be honest, from what you have said OP your ex comes doesn't come across as controlling. He pays maintenance, takes the kids out, comes early to help you. This is a very odd thread.

Yikes...

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your reports. We have no reason to believe the OP is hairy-handed so we'd appreciate it if you could avoid troll hunting.

Thanks MNHQ and again, sorry.

Thanks again to gamerchick you were alright despite the fact I was being a frustrated and angry twat last night.

I could let the thread drop, since it already has, except its been hanging over my head today and whilst all of you would have let this drop and forgotten it, I couldnt.

Im not usually such a mouth imbocile. I am however, guilty if burying things and whacking on a smile until it eventually explodes (ALWAYS in the wrong direction at the wrong people) and very guilty of being defensive.

I would never, ever blow up and my RL friends like I did here. I would dream of it. Perhaps it was easier, more cowardly to take the pent up feelings and let them rage over strangers on the internet. Not that thisnis something I do often.

I have posted about this before and it was mumsnet that told me ex was controlling. I denied it for years and eventually they made me realise. Whilst I drip fed a small amount last night, I didnt divuldge the whole caboodle clearly didnt do me any favours as it made me look even more of a petulant arse and him the angle.

Im sorry for using bad language and calling a certain person a cunt, that was ridiculously over the top of me. I am still a little frustrated by their responses though, but it certainly isnt something that is worth arguing over again.

Another fault of mine is not being able to 'let things go', accepting things havent run smoothly and having an absolutely insessant need to fix things. Which is exactly why I have come back to this thread. When Ive screwed up I need to make ammends.

Ive always been very envious of people who can screw up and let time smooth it out and everyone forgets it. I wish I could do that, I wish I could tell myself that last night was a blip (it was) and let is go, but I cant.

I hope this doesnt fuel the thread further as this is the exact opposite of my intentions.

Major typos, posted and didnt proof read. Another flaw.

I was wondering how you were feeling today, but didn't want to post incase you wanted to let it fade away.

Why didn't you post under your old user name? Maybe people would have recognised you and been able to help more - especially if they had advised you to leave him.

I hope you can get some help - in your situation I'd want some too.

I don't think there's any point rehashing the old username. I would start from here OP and try and set out the whole story so we can understand.

I agree; tell it all [minus any identifying features] and lets see if we can help somehow. Before you do that though, can I make you a cuppa?

It was good of you to come back and post that op.

We all get to the end of our rope sometimes and although its just "words on a screen thing's said on here can hurt so don't feel bad that you couldn't shake it off.

It seems to me that your ex is still pulling your strings. You say your ds has additional needs and from what you post you arent getting adequate support. I think this is making you more vulnerable to stand up to your ex. Do you have any support packages in place? A social worker? sorry. Don't know if you have one? It may be an idea to go and make a bit of a noise. You are struggling to cope. I note you say you wouldnt rant irl as you have hear but I can't help but wondering if you you go and do just that to the right people. So they can see that you need help. If you don't make a fuss you could slip through the net. Once you are getting adequate support you will be able to impose sensible access wiyh your ex.

Go and see your gp tomorrow channel done of the ire from this thread and don't be fobbed off.

I've just read this thread for the first time. Kudos for coming back, How.

I don't think anyone here thought he was an angel. I think everyone thinks he's a complete and utter prick, and yes, that he is trying to control you.

But what they were trying to make you see was that the only way to do anything about it was from YOUR angle. You can't make him do anything - BECAUSE he is exactly that, a controlling prick.

He isn't a good father, because he only 'takes care of them' for a smidgen of time, and in ways which keep you under control.

He may not be an arsehole to the DC, but please don't equate 'not being an arsehole to the DC' with 'being a good father'!

And in all fairness, I can see why you got stroppy with posters badgering you about why you needed a break. That was unkind of them. I sure as shit need a break from my DC, and they have no additional needs. I'm fortunate that I have the ability - you are unfortunate that as of yet you really haven't had that ability.

Have you investigated the possibility of getting funding for a childminder to have your 3 year old for a period of time during the week? A possible alternative to a nursery.

I am glad you were able to come back.
It was pretty clear to everyone that you were at the end of your tether last night.
You did the right thing by leaving it then. It is great that you could come back and clear things up.