Its been 14 years, how do I do this?!

[HowToMakeHimSEE]

I met my ex 14 years ago. I was 17 and he was 29.

We had two children together but not until my early 20's.
Roll on now, Im 31 and he is 44 and hes had no where to live (a caravan thats tiny and full of work tools and only fits one adult anyway) for 3 years.

A year ago someone reported me to benefit fraud because someone thought he was living with me. It really put me at risk, I reduced how often he saw the the kids (at mine) and even when he did I ask him to take them to soft play or the park.

But I still feel at risk, have never had a weekend/or even day off or a lie in.

He will try to make amends by turning up early occasionally, but Ive always been up an hour with the youngest.

The last year, Ive called housing benefit and found out that he can get help despite the fact he works full time, he can get help with rent and deposit because he is ex army and Ive persuaded him to get on the housing list because he us technically homeless.

Its been a year. (In the whole scheme of things, I feel like its been 14 years but thats another thread)

And tonight we had YET another disagreement about it. Me saying FIND A PLACE TO LIVE yet again and him giving all excuses.

Ive said stop giving me maintenance, forever if needs be, just PLEASE find a place to live so he can take the kids.

Still its not happening.

What the HELL do I do, pleas help me. Other than stopping him seeing the kids which Im totally not willing to do, what is there?

Im really desperate.

No one has said anything to deserve your behaviour. No one.

Im not even sorry for being defensive, if I said I was sorry I would be lying.

Im bitter, Im broken and I need a break.

Stop with the snide remarks. You don't know what is going on in other peoples lives so don't assume.

Your situation is obviously difficult but you are taking it out on the wrong people.

Yes, you are entitled to a break

But it's madness to expect your ex to change, you need to come up with some other ideas to get yourself some time

Stop being so angry with anonymous MN people and get angry with your ex and put some proper boundaries in place. He is NOT a good father. A good father gets himself a decent place to live so he can have his kids all to himself for as many days as he can possibly have.

This thread reminds me so much of this one...

& - wish I could do it in person for you. You sound bitter, broken and exhausted by it all :(

Do you think their Dad is too scared to have DS overnight? How does he cope with his meds when he has him?

Hello,

You've come to a great place to vent and get good ideas, that could be workable for you, and some that won't be.

So let's start again, and you correct me if I've misunderstood anything - and we'll see if anyone has any good ideas.

Just put T for True and F for False in front of the following statements.

You have two children. One aged 3, not in childcare, and one aged 7.
The 7 year old is in school but you are homebound with the three-year-old.
The father of the children is available to assist with some childcare.
The father of the children does minimal childcare.
You were investigated for Benefit fraud.
The outcome of the investigation did not prove Benefit fraud.
The consequence of the investigation has left you feeling that he must have minimal childcare involvement.
The consdquence of the investigation has left him feeling that he must have minimal childcare involvement.
He doesn't want more childcare involvement.
He does not have a home suitable for childcare.
You feel exhausted by the responsibilities of single parenthood.
You resent his minimal childcaring activities.

That may help us understand where you are coming from. And people may be able to help you from there.

At the moment, you have one solution: him moving to a better house. But it's just that - one solution requiring someone else to do something.

You sound like you're at the end of your tether. People will help but they need you to let them. They can't solve your problems but they can tell you about what works for them.

It's best to look for solutions that you can do to make yourself feel better. And that's where a lot of people really do make a difference as they've learnt from others, learnt for themselves and they like to share.

So let's start again...

Is this post genuine? Or is it just to wind everyone up because it is surely doing that.

Thank you all of you for speaking up for me.

OP I think you have posted this thread the wrong way round.

Everybody was just trying to understand what your problem was about being so desperate for a break from your children which sounds unusual.

At least be gracious enough to appreciate the time we took to find out why you find things so hard, as, in all fairness to all of us, you did not explain things very well.

Im bitter, Im broken and I need a break.

Close the computer down and come back tomorrow. You are going to just piss off people who are actually trying to help you. One of them might just have the words to help you.

Enough!

You really have got to stop name calling. There is no excuse for it.

You have reached the end of your tether but you are coming across as rude and nasty.

If you are this belligerent to folk in real life I can understand why you may struggle to get support. Lose the attitude and people (not your ex) will help you.

Can you explain why 3 year old isn't in childcare?
Is it because you can't get him there or is because of his medical needs?

I help place children with high needs in nursery settings so it can be done but it takes quite a bit of work. Would you take a place for him if one were available?

Devere RTFT.

If your child is in such a way that no one will take him have you asked social services for respite care?

Can you really not see what you are posting? These are your first posts on MN.

There are a vast number of people that could help you, but keep going like this and people won't want to post in case you come back with a venemous attack

Devere I wouldn't bother actually. Op are you pissed?

Wow.

Good luck OP. No need for all this palaver to be honest.

So rude and horrid name calling - I'm out.

People here have a wealth of kindness and support - treat them like muck on your shoe and they won't offer it.

Ok
WTF do I know about looking after sick and disabled kids and managing without a break anyway?

Good luck OP.

You need it.

This is not what I posted. Please quote me correctly, if you must quote me.

Hi WWK