Its been 14 years, how do I do this?!

[HowToMakeHimSEE]

I met my ex 14 years ago. I was 17 and he was 29.

We had two children together but not until my early 20's.
Roll on now, Im 31 and he is 44 and hes had no where to live (a caravan thats tiny and full of work tools and only fits one adult anyway) for 3 years.

A year ago someone reported me to benefit fraud because someone thought he was living with me. It really put me at risk, I reduced how often he saw the the kids (at mine) and even when he did I ask him to take them to soft play or the park.

But I still feel at risk, have never had a weekend/or even day off or a lie in.

He will try to make amends by turning up early occasionally, but Ive always been up an hour with the youngest.

The last year, Ive called housing benefit and found out that he can get help despite the fact he works full time, he can get help with rent and deposit because he is ex army and Ive persuaded him to get on the housing list because he us technically homeless.

Its been a year. (In the whole scheme of things, I feel like its been 14 years but thats another thread)

And tonight we had YET another disagreement about it. Me saying FIND A PLACE TO LIVE yet again and him giving all excuses.

Ive said stop giving me maintenance, forever if needs be, just PLEASE find a place to live so he can take the kids.

Still its not happening.

What the HELL do I do, pleas help me. Other than stopping him seeing the kids which Im totally not willing to do, what is there?

Im really desperate.

But you are letting him have control of you by letting him set the terms and conditions by which he sees the kids - at yours, on his schedule, etc.

You can take back control of that by YOU setting the schedule, not letting him into the house, you tell hm when he can take the kids out and when he brings them back. And then you stick to it.

YOU can take the power back.

He took them to soft play today, which killed an hour. Then he took them to the park which killed 1.5 hours.

Is that it then? Is that what I really have to do? Accept 2.5 hours each weekend of a break?

Theres no family near by, not mine, nor his. I really, really wish there was.

Accept it for now, and hope he tires quickly of soft play and the park and realizes that he needs to get his act together.

2.5 hours break better than no break, right?

Please. Ive accepted this for well over a year. Im desperate.

I agree with not letting him in your house. And don't reply to texts etc etc unless it is solely about contact. If he truly cares about the kids he will make the effort to step up and find somewhere proper to take them. If it's all about you then it's harassment and needs to stop.

Please, please dont tell me I should be grateful for 2.5 hours a week for the next 15 years.

By the way, just to give you a massive laugh. He helped me out a lot more a year ago. THEN someone reported me for benefit fraud!

Gaffaaw!

As IF he lived with me! So I had to reduce the 'visits' down to as little as possible. I thought him putting me at risk would make him find a place but no.

I couldnt prove my 'innocence' because I couldnt prove his address. What with him living in 'no fixed abode'

I don't quite get why you need a break from your DCs?

I have no family here either and my ex never looked after them and could not be trusted with them anyway, but why are you so desperate to get a break?

Does your three year old go to nursery? And the seven year old surely goes to school? Are you working when they are at school / nursery so you get no free time?

Kids are 3 and 7 it won't be for 15 years, more like 5 or 6 then they'll be off with friends.

Seriously, there is nothing anybody here can do to help you, you have to do this yourself, you've been told how to take back the control and put up the boundaries and by and large you are ignoring those suggestions and choosing instead to get all pissy with people that are trying to help you.

He DIDNT live with me, and I didnt get prosecuted.

Did he report you?

Move. Get yourself nearer some help.

"i dont quite get why you need a break from your DC's"

Not sure what you want people to say. You can't make him live anywhere just as he can't you.

I really still don't get why you need a break from your DCs.

NO my three year old doesnt go to nursery.

When he was born, he wasnt quite as well as your child. I wish he was, but he bloody well wasnt.

And as it is, even if he WAS a well and healthy child, Id be very much within my rights as a single mother to expect a break.

Dont be a martyr, it makes you look very ugly.

I believe you trust me, been there and done that and it's exhausting I agree. It took me getting in another relationship for him to explode and spend years coming to terms with it. Horrible horrible time. He's now cocklodging at his girlfriends keeping a beady eye out for my marriage failing, mucking me about with contact and laughing when i ask him for maintenance. I've learned to always have a plan b for the many times he drops me in it. I refused to be bothered by him anymore.

Littleuns grow up and as time passes his hold will loosen as his kids start to question why he lives the way he does.. no help to you in the mean time but it gets there nonetheless.

For now it's time to work out a way to keep him out of the house.. as said upthread, arrange for him to collect the kids and have them ready to leave. He is to take them out for a few hours and return them. It might be hard to keep him out at first but you need to stand firm with him, be cold and detached. Your youngest is starting nursery in september right and your youngest goes back to school? Things will get a lot easier.

The more you're consistent with him might make things a bit fed up on his part about having to consistently take the kids places.

When they go to school you will have hours and hours to yourself and what about nursery, that will give you lots more time too.

*eldest

I mean it's not that you have ten children, or so.

Unless you work all the hours when they are at school and you never get any time for yourself.

"Move get yourself nearer some help."

What help?
Theres no paternal nor maternal grandparent that would help, make no assumptions, I could move anywhere and Im very much alone. He knows this.

You are obviously struggling and I empathise but you really need to stop having a go at people that are trying to help.

Posters are trying to understand but calling people martyrs etc is going to put peoples backs up.

Am confused. You said in the opening post he has lived in the caravan for past three years, then further down you say he's always lived in it?

Did he live with you while you were having the kids then move out?

I don't blame you for wanting a break from your kids. I only have one but I need time on my own or I'd go mad.

Unfortunately, this guy isn't the answer. He has shown you who he is, repeatedly, for years. I'm sorry but he isn't a wonderful father and if he 'adores' your kids it is in the same way a fond uncle does, not an involved and responsible father.

As others have said, you need to look elsewhere for your support. Friends, family, your kids friends etc. Paid childcare etc.

You can't change the past or your decision to have kids with this guy, and you can't change him. You just have to work with what you have. MN is great for support for lone parents, anybody struggling with parenthood etc.

I appreciate your frank advice gamerchick.

Its made me ball but hell...... Ive got nothing else to put.