My wife wants a child I don't

[LancsBlue22]

Hi
My wife and I have been together for 14 years married for 4. I am 49 she is 37. We have discussed having children about 5 years ago and agreed not to, I have two boys from a previous marriage 24 and the eldest is 27 with a daughter of his own. I was a single parent when we met and my wife lived with us before we were married while the boys were at home. They do love her but they are not really close, she is more like a good friend than a mother.
My wife lost her father about 12 months before I met her, her mother passed away at age 57, 3 months ago from a brain tumour.
She has announced this week that she wants a baby to which I have disagreed for a number of reasons. I struggled to bring up my boys as I was not on a good wage – it was a struggle, I feel I am too old and have a grandchild. I am at that time of life things should be getting easier, I could not go through it all again.
I feel she now only wants a child to fill the void left by her parents, she was very close to her mother and loved her dearly, I think she feels having a child would somehow compensate her loss. she has never been particularly broody before or very maternal, she gets on well with children but has never even changed a babies nappy. I have had some discussions with her and she has stated that unfortunately our marriage would have to come to an end in order for her to pursue her need for a baby. She is dreadfully sorry and sad and I can see it is tearing her apart hurting me but says time is not on her side.
This is all a massive shock to me as we are really close, we hardly ever fall out and I love her more than anything, I would normally do anything for her but I can’t do this. We hardly ever argue and we have just come back from a wonderful holiday in NYC She recently joined the police as a pcso but did not finish her training course due to the death of her mum. She starts training again on Monday and as she is a bright intelligent person will do really well in her new career. I don’t think she has fully thought things through, she seems to be risking everything, our marriage, her career, her friendships etc. I’m really close to her family, her brother has lived with us since the loss of their mum. I will be inconsolable if she goes ahead with this, but also feel I cannot stand in her way or find some common ground. I’m getting very depressed about it all my life just seems to be a failure again. I feel she needs to speak to somebody but I don’t know who. (she has not sought any advice but is talking to her aunty today, who she is very close to)
Any advice would be helpful

We were in the reverse situation, we discussed carefully and agreed before we got married that we wouldn't have children, my DH changed his mind 12 years later (I was in my early 40s then, he is a couple of years younger).

I suppose I did go along with his wish to have a child because I loved him and wanted our marriage to work, in all honesty I made the wrong choice. It is not fair on the child and I have not turned into a wonderful, loving mother overnight . I put a brave face on the situation, I would obviously hate my DS to know how I feel, but I am not living the life I wanted. DH is blissfully happy and I have to say (& I know Mumsnet hates this expression ) but he really is a brilliant father and does loads and loads with our DS (and for me I should say).

I genuinely don't think this is a situation where a compromise can be reached.

The fertility idea is bonkers, OP.

For starters, I doubt the NHS would offer any screening or tests unless your both had a history of infertility- ie trying to conceive.

Secondly, fertility testing is not always an accurate science.
There are women who were told they would never conceive and who have, and plenty more who have no possible reason not to- but don't.
Fertility is far more complex than you imagine and it's about the match of two people, not simply the status of each.

Unless your DW has reason to doubt her fertility there is little to be gained. There are tests that can predict age of menopause but they are not always correct and not available on NHS.

And taking it 1 step further if either of you was shown to be sub-fertile it then opens another can of worms such as IVF, donor egg, etc etc.

wtf is the fertility test for? false hope i think.

It's not selfish for you to not want a child.

It would be selfish for you to guilt-trip her into remaining in a relationship with you with talk of how shit your life would be without her and how unfair it is that she has changed her mind. As it would be to play for time with counselling and fertility testing or whatnot.

I absolutely understand where your wife is coming from and while I see your point I think you are being unbelievably selfish to deny your wife the parenting role she longs for. In her position I would leave you I'm afraid :( You are a father would you be without your dc?Would you have missed that experience? You are just wrong. I always try very hard to take a moderate view but I feel so very sad for your wife.

As another poster said, the onus is on her. You had agreed not to have children, she changed her mind. Fair enough, but it's her decision whether to end the marriage or give up her desire to have a child.

I absolutely think that having a child if you don't strongly desire to have one is insane, and harmful to the child in the long run.

Sorry you find yourself in this situation.

It is outrageous emotional blackmail to suggest that he should have a child he doesn't want to prove he loves his wife. What rot.

He already has kids, he's done his time. And I find it odd that op is accused of patronising his wife by suggesting she doesnt know her own feelings, when the same posters are telling him how fab it'll all be with a baby... when he's got a generation of experience of it.

He's been there, done that. Don't blame him one bit for saying no more thanks.

And no, don't go for the fertility test if you are unwilling to have a child. What is the point of it?

The point I imagine is that he hopes she would be proved sub-fertile then the dilemma is solved.

If only....

OP I don't think you should have a child if you don't want any more. But I do think you were naive to marry someone that age and not anticipate her changing her mind. she was 23 when she agreed to no children. That is hardly an age to be making decisions like this - and sticking to them.

I've known 2 men like you who married younger women and said no to children with them, but their wives were in different circumstances- one already had 3 children and the other was early 40s and the DH was almost 50. Your wife is under 40 so she still has time. They agreed no children and their wives accepted it.

Not a good idea. The point is that he won't have children because he doesn't want to have children. Not that he won't have children because she's unable to. That's, well, cowardly and dishonest.

OP, if this is something that you absolutely cannot compromise and you'd rather let your wife go than father a child by her then please let her go. Be firm about it. If you love her, set her free to have a chance at motherhood if that's what her heart desires. And don't have sex with her without a condom. Desperate women will do desperate things. Better yet, book that vasectomy in ASAP!

I agree the fertility test (which won't be available on the NHS) would be pointless. You can't do it with the aim of conveniently finding out she is infertile. That would be disastrous for the relationship. Also it is very possible that if the results weren't good, they still wouldn't be conclusive - many have continued trying to conceive and had lucky surprises. So your wife might well want to try anyway, or go down the route of fertility treatments. If she decides completely independently to have some tests done for her own information, that is different. Also with counselling - what would be the point? Do you think it might change your mind? You certainly shouldn't do it with the aim of changing hers. If you want to do it for yourself, make it 1 or 2 sessions.

I really feel for your wife. I do agree with all those saying you shouldn't have a child you won't want, if you really feel you won't. I'm sorry for both of you, but you have a family, and she is a really scary position of ending up alone. As I said before, you can infer from that risk that she is serious about this.

I don't think anyone should have a child they don't want, but I do think often people who are slightly on the fence will, and should, give the person they love a chance to be a parent if they really want it.

Please consider the fact that if your wife does stay with you, even by her own choice, resentment could destroy the relationship.

I think the only reason to do the fertility test (for her only, and if it could even be done, which I've no real idea about) would be that knowledge of her fertility is potentially useful to her. She can make a more informed decision about whether she wants to lose a husband she loves and take a shot at becoming a mother, or whether her chances of conceiving are so low that she is at grave risk of never getting the child she wants anyway. In which case she might decide to stay in her marriage and try to come to terms with being childless.

Or she might leave anyway. It's her choice. This situation and her grief could be too much for the relationship to survive, but we can't decide that on her behalf, can we?

With not ever having to post on a forum like this before I am amazed with the response. I posted initially from work and I have been traveling since so apologies for not replying.
The reply s seem pretty divided and a lot of sensible reply stand out from the shite. Whatever happens I will always dearly love my wife and she will make the choice she makes. What stands out above all else that makes me know that she truly loves me is that she did mention that sshe could have stopped taking her pill and not told me but she gave me the opportunity to discuss this with her.. Some on here seem to think i am belittling her etc that is not the case. It's difficult to reply off my phone so i will leave it for tonight
thanks again all for your input

As a Catholic you can receive an annulment of your marriage vows if you discover your spouse refuses to have children with you. I know this is a very biased viewpoint but until very recently historically the number one reason to get married was to start a family. Some people are describing having children as if people are brainwashed by society when it is clearly much more simple. We desire children as a biological imperative to perpetuate the human race.

The OP has fulfilled that biological imperative but his wife has not. Also I don't understand this idea that if she is infertile the problem is "solved". Her desire to be a mother will not suddenly go away. Maybe she would then want to adopt or foster which I assume the OP would still not be open to.

As Catholics we have to be open to life to be married. So if both the OP.and his wife feel that they cannot change their minds the marriage should end and she should persue her desire for a child. I believe if the OP was not open to more children he should not have got married, controversial I know but your biological children should not been seen as a curse to be avoided at all cost.

It is a difficult decision, but don't underestimate how blessed you are in your current relationship. You both love each other very much. You have been together some years and built a good life together.

Life chucks all sorts of things at us we aren't expecting, and in the grand scheme of things this might be unexpected, but it isn't a really bad thing. It might change your idea of what the future holds, but no one really knows what is round the corner anyway. Before you make a decision ask yourself if you really want to grow old with this woman and for both of you be happy and fulfilled in your later years. For many people having children gives meaning to our fleeting existence on this planet.

'It is the strongest trees that bend in the wind'

I am child-free, and when I lost DF two and a half years ago I questioned the point of my own existence (DM died 10 years ago). I too became terribly broody, but as my grief began to subside so did my broodiness. It was the need for unconditional love that I craved, not a child. I've not read all of this post so sorry if I've missed something crucial. I think she may be reacting to her grief. Good luck, I hope it works out for you as you clearly love her.

5 years ago you were both of one mind that you didn't want kids, or she was undecided and you not wanting kids help her decide not to as she wanted you as her partner?

Perhaps she would benefit from some grief counselling from CRUSE to work though her feelings following her mother's death. 57 is too young for children to feel anything but cheated, especially as she already lost her father. Does she have siblings and are they close? As someone said she may want unconditional love. If you two were to split up in 5 years time then she has no blood family that's a scary prospect.

At the end of the day if she is resolute that she wants a child and you are resolute that you don't, it is better to split as much as that would hurt. If you know absolutely that you don't want more children then bringing a child into your relationship for fear of losing the relationship may well lead to a split anyway. But maybe not. Maybe in 2 years time you would wonder how you could ever not have 'Little Jimmy' in your life, he brings you so much joy.

If you had a contraceptive fail and she announced she was pregnant tomorrow how would you feel? Would you accept your fate or be saying 'I'll support you whatever you decide' while silently pleading 'please choose abortion, please choose abortion'?

If you love your DW then give her the child she wants ... That the baby might be a void-filler or a career-stopper or whatever else is irrelevant.

Why should the op give in? Why should he bring an unwanted (by one parent) in to this world?

None of it is irrelevant if the op doesn't want it.

Having a child to make someone happy seems to be right up there as a pretty good reason tbh I can't even begin to make sense of this post. I was an unwanted pregnancy, my mum didn't want me & wanted to terminate the pregnancy, but my dad (and her brothers) persuaded her to have me, telling her she would love me etc, in the end she continued the pregnancy to make them all happy. But she didn't ever bond with me & we haven't spoken for over 20yrs now. We had a terrible relationship at home, she failed to show me any positive emotions, resented me & showed it constantly, and treated me very differently to my siblings. It has caused all sorts of issues in my adult life & relationships.

Having a child to 'make someone happy' is bloody terrible advice & can have HUGE repercussions for the child. I am saddened that anyone could advise this, to be honest.

Children bring their own love. What a terribly naive thing to say

I do not imagine you relationship will ever be the same. It won't be the same if the op agrees under duress, to have another child he does not want, either! It is lovely that almost everyone on this thread thinks a baby will fix everything. It's bloody wonderful that no one seems to have the experience of being unwanted & unloved by a parent. It's bloody fairytail like that almost everyone thinks the op should have a baby (he doesn't want) and they will all end up happily ever after. And bloody delusional too. There is a huge chance that if the op has a baby, he will resent it.

What then? A child's life in tatters because the MN majority said he should do it.

I suppose what I find cold about your post is that you have no desire to create a child with your wife. So because he doesn't want a child with his wife, he is what? I don't want anymore with my dh, that doesn't make me cold or any other negative spin you would like to call it. It makes me someone who knows her own mind & is happy with what she has. The op isn't in the wrong here, we need to stop making the op out to be the bad guy!

I don't think you love her as much as you say you do. Why? because he doesn't want anymore children? So that means he doesn't love his wife...OK! Big leap to make there. I don't want anymore children, I had my tubes tied. My dh wasn't sure & did, a couple of times, talk about wanting another (we have 2,). That doesn't mean I don't love him. It means I am done having babies & raising them & at 40, I don't want to start again. As is my right.

And this is the op's right too...he should not feel pressured into having a child he does not want.

You can't try and pressure her into not wanting this. yet you'd quite happily see the OP being pressured into having a child he doesn't want? Your whole post is very disrespectful towards the op. Would you be filled with such vitriol if this was a woman posting that her new dh wanted a child, because he didn't have any & she said no, because she had 2 & wasn't wanting any more?

No, I bet you wouldn't. Yet because this is a male it is ok to completely rip into him & call him unfair, etc.

OP - I think you should have a baby....I've never known anyone who's had a baby and said, "Oh - we don't love the baby. This was a bad idea." My mum did. And the effect on me of not being wanted was/is profound.

Just because you have never met anyone, it doesn't mean they don't exist. Plenty of people regret having babies, they just don't talk about it because that is not something you do, is it? "I regret having children" it's just not something you do.... Yet there is a facebook page called just that....

49 is not too old. If the op feels it is too old for him, it is too old. End of.

I think it was naive of you to marry a woman 12 years younger than you are, and expect her to give up on having a child. I am assuming that the op didn't MAKE her marry him. He said they discussed having children around 5yrs ago & decided not to do so.

I think you are selfish op. For not bringing an unwanted child into this world, really?

she was 23 when she agreed to no children. Except she last agreed 5yrs ago, so she was 32, not 23.

Please don't have a child you don't want.

OP I have 2 children and I am 39. I always wanted 3, but stopping at 2 became an easy decision when I was incredibly ill during my 2nd pregnancy. I won't do it again!

And I really won't. I know that for definite. I'm in a new relationship and I have been open about the fact I won't even consider it. It's not an option for me. People keep telling me that 40 is not too old to start again. I know people who have 2 or 3 children in their mid - late 20s and a couple of pre-schoolers. And this is fine for some people, but it's not for everyone. It's not fair of anyone on here or anywhere else to put pressure on you to have a child. I don't think you can be compared to people in the public eye who, let's face it, don't live the same lives most of us to... I wouldn't want school aged children at 60 either.

I'd be interested to know if the people calling you selfish would tell me I should have a child if a new partner of mine wanted one and I didn't? I hope not.

A child is not a right, nor a gift to bestow upon somebody else. You and you wife made a decision together. She is not wrong for changing her mind, your are not wrong for not having changed yours. It's sad and it would be very sad if an otherwise happy marriage ended because of it, but there is no compromise to be had.

I don't think you should have a child if you don't want to, but I think she should leave if she really wants one.

If I were her, I'd be thinking that chances are, I'd outlive you. And then what? No husband, no children, no grandchildren. For me, I couldn't do it. I love DH beyond reason but I'd have left him to have DC.

If I were her, I'd be thinking that chances are, I'd outlive you. And then what? No husband, no children, no grandchildren. For me, I couldn't do it.

Well, that may not happen that way! What if op decided to go ahead to please his wife? As has been suggested here.

It is very possible that he could outlive her, then he will be left with a child he may resent.

I think unless one of you has an unlikely change of heart the relationship is over.

Your reasons for not wanting another child are perfectly sound and understandable. However your wife's desire to have a child is most likely a strong biological urge that will not be satisfied until she at least tries. (at 37 there are no guarantees).

This is not like buying a new car or getting a dog, you cannot compromise on having a child. You need to talk about this and move things forward quickly, because time is not on her side and you need to give her the chance to see her options.