My wife wants a child I don't

[LancsBlue22]

Hi
My wife and I have been together for 14 years married for 4. I am 49 she is 37. We have discussed having children about 5 years ago and agreed not to, I have two boys from a previous marriage 24 and the eldest is 27 with a daughter of his own. I was a single parent when we met and my wife lived with us before we were married while the boys were at home. They do love her but they are not really close, she is more like a good friend than a mother.
My wife lost her father about 12 months before I met her, her mother passed away at age 57, 3 months ago from a brain tumour.
She has announced this week that she wants a baby to which I have disagreed for a number of reasons. I struggled to bring up my boys as I was not on a good wage – it was a struggle, I feel I am too old and have a grandchild. I am at that time of life things should be getting easier, I could not go through it all again.
I feel she now only wants a child to fill the void left by her parents, she was very close to her mother and loved her dearly, I think she feels having a child would somehow compensate her loss. she has never been particularly broody before or very maternal, she gets on well with children but has never even changed a babies nappy. I have had some discussions with her and she has stated that unfortunately our marriage would have to come to an end in order for her to pursue her need for a baby. She is dreadfully sorry and sad and I can see it is tearing her apart hurting me but says time is not on her side.
This is all a massive shock to me as we are really close, we hardly ever fall out and I love her more than anything, I would normally do anything for her but I can’t do this. We hardly ever argue and we have just come back from a wonderful holiday in NYC She recently joined the police as a pcso but did not finish her training course due to the death of her mum. She starts training again on Monday and as she is a bright intelligent person will do really well in her new career. I don’t think she has fully thought things through, she seems to be risking everything, our marriage, her career, her friendships etc. I’m really close to her family, her brother has lived with us since the loss of their mum. I will be inconsolable if she goes ahead with this, but also feel I cannot stand in her way or find some common ground. I’m getting very depressed about it all my life just seems to be a failure again. I feel she needs to speak to somebody but I don’t know who. (she has not sought any advice but is talking to her aunty today, who she is very close to)
Any advice would be helpful

Dogs and cats? Seriously? How can one even compare?

OP this is a desperately sad situation you find yourself in. I think it could benefit your wife to talk through her situation with someone, but ultimately her feelings about having a baby may well be to strong for her to put aside, even for the sake of an otherwise happy marriage.

Having a child isn't about night feeds and nappy changes. Those are easy enough to check out of, but homework, lessons, dealing with hormones and emotions, young adults in the home, etc, it's from just a lifestyle preference, it is your life. I wouldn't want to start it again at 43, much less 49, and that's valid.

So is her need.

I would split up.

And if I were the one in your position, I wouldn't want her to stay with me and forgo what had given me so much joy in life, but wouldn't have another child, tbh.

You're at different stages in life.

You've had kids and done it all and now as a grandad want things to get easier.

She has never had kids and now has a biological desire so strong that she will risk the marriage.

Either you split or have a baby, it doesn't sound as though you can carry on as you are.

Off topic but I'd have loved to be a mum at 22 and I think I'd have made a good one (then!). Yes, there are trade offs, but there are pros and cons at every age. It's an individual thing too. 49 is quite young to be a grandfather though, so I don't see the relevance of that as a reason not to have a child. If you feel too old at 49, fair enough, but it isn't because you're a grandfather surely?

I'm afraid I don't think I've ever known a man as desperate to have a child as a woman. The biological yearning isn't the same. I'm sure there'll be people on here who will rush to contradict this statement but I think the fact that there are few fewer men rushing out to become single fathers if they haven't met "the right woman" than single women going it alone says something about biology.

OP - I think you should have a baby. I'm with Cogito on this one. You either lose the woman you love, which you say devastates you, or, you make the woman you love happy and gain additional love as a family unit by having a baby. I've never known anyone who's had a baby and said, "Oh - we don't love the baby. This was a bad idea."

If not, then don't prolong the agony for your wife. Let her go. Counselling etc will simply raise her hopes and drag things out further.

You don't need me to tell you this is really tough. You are each right - as individuals.

Question is, is either of you willing to take the risk of placing your own wants and needs second to the other person's? Or are you willing, despite how very sad it would be, to split up in order to let each other flourish?

Ending the relationship will be very painful, but it might be the right thing to do.

If you do find it in yourself to stay with her and try to have a baby, just make sure you don't resent any child that is born.

Good luck.

So it's de menz who are still titty babies at 22 then, just lads? This is the reason there are so many fuckwit menchildren lurking about.

It's possible to study and parent at the same time. A lot of young adults on here even do it! Imagine!

DH was 23 when we married.

We are bringing up our son to be an adult by 22, not some silly manchild, and our daughter not to waste time on men who behave like kids.

Freckled whilst I agree with your point in general you have to admit it is quite a lot harder to go it alone as a man. You can't just buy a womb and a turkey baster on the Internet can you?

Lots of people regret having children, several of whom have name changed and posted about it on here.

I think 49 is too old, stick to your guns and sadly you will have to let the relationship go.

Absolute shite.

49 is not too old. Dh was 48 when ds1 was born, 50 when ds2 arrived and 59 when we had ds3. He doesnt regret any of them. I know several fathers who are younger but much less active. Age is not the issue. If OP doesn't want another child. That is his choice and if he is certain then his wife will need to make her choice hard as it is.

If OP doesn't want a child it's up to him. However, I'd advise his partner to leave him if that's the case and the kindest thing OP can do in this position is to let her go. Surely you suspected this day might come anyway...not all women want to have children but the majority do.

OP, there is no compromise here

You are at a crossroads with 2 choices and 2 choices only

1. put your own feelings aside and try for a baby with your wife

2. let her go with your blessing

there is no option 3) stay with her and waste more of her precious fertile years yapping about counselling, going to and fro, telling her you might think about it etc

I say have a vasectomy if you really want one but do it very very soon as it will force the issue for both of you.

What anyfucker said

I can't believe some people are struggling with the concept of not wanting any more children. It is perfectly valid, male or female, children or no children, to feel that you do not want to have a(nother) child at this time or ever. Having a child, being its parent, is a huge fucking deal. What is this "give her a baby" shite? Like it's a birthday present or something, an easy thing that won't be impacting on him for the rest of his life?

No one has the right to demand that their partner actively try for a child that they do not want. Deal with the results of an accident? Sure, that's a risk a man accepts when he has sex with a woman - he can't demand she terminate a pregnancy. But he can expect that they will decide, honestly and mutually, what contraception they're going to use. No one has to take more risk of pregnancy than they want to. Lots of people end up dealing with things they didn't entirely want - that doesn't mean they have no right to manage the odds as best they can.

OP, take a long, hard look at what you want. Consider what having a child would be like. Make sure you are certain of how you feel. Decide with reasonable speed, don't keep her waiting around while her clock is ticking. And then tell her whether you feel you can have a child with her or not. If she needs to leave in order to try for a child, ultimately that's what she'll do. It is hard and awful for both of you. But please stop trying to psychoanalyse her reasons - who knows why she wants a child now, she is an adult who can make her own choices.

OP, I think you are right in that this sudden urge to have a baby could be linked to her mum's death. I experienced exactly the same thing immediately after I lost my mum and I left the relationship I was in because my partner didn't feel the same. I was only 21 so it was definitely the wrong time for me and I waited over a decade to actually have a baby - I recognised that the urge was a response to losing my mum and wanting to feel that mother-child bond in some way to replace what I had lost

It may pass but it may not and your wife is right to consider leaving the relationship if you are adamant that you don't want a baby - if it's that important to her then she needs to move fast because she is right, time is not on her side. I would suggest that she needs to talk her feelings through very thoroughly with a bereavement counsellor because a 14 year marriage is not something to be thrown away lightly

In response to your comments about her not being the maternal type and never having changed a nappy - both were true of me until I had my son. They are in no way relevant

I'm sorry for what you're going through but I think you need to throw everything you have into supporting your wife at the moment, she's going through possibly the most devastating event of her life and the way you deal with it will shape the way she feels about you forever

My DH will be 46 when our second child is born. It's not too old at all. He hadn't had children before we met though, so I can see that you feel 'done' with it all. Could you try some form of counselling together, to talk through both of your feelings/reasons etc? Perhaps she is feeling the void that her mother left, or perhaps her biological clock has well and truly gone off. If it is the latter reason, I'm afraid it's have a child or lose her. Mine went off at 30, and it's a driving need that consumes you - no way would your relationship survive that.

I think OP is being condescending in the reasons he proposes for his wife's sudden broodiness, tbh. Has he actually asked her or it it a male assumption he is making...the little woman needs a replacement for her mummy/daddy ? Yuk.

OP, your wife has decided she wants a baby. Go with it or don't but stop pissing around trying to "manage" it.

OP I dont think that you should look at fertility testing for yourself. In many ways that is irrelevant. Confirming that you are still fertile wont make you want to have a baby (unless it will in which case the question is different).

I do think that your wife should look into fertility testing. To throw away a good marriage only to discover that what is wanted is not possible would cause huge grief probably for you both.

I wish you all the best. This is a terrible position to be in. There is no opportunity for compromise for either of you. Your desire to not have more children is not more selfish than your wife's desire to have children. You are both right.

Whether the OP is too old or not is for him to decide. Not for others to show that other people made different decisions.

Could be AF, or it could be lack of communication making him draw conclusions that fit the facts he has. We're not all misogynistic wankers!

OP have you talked to her?

I feel sorry for you but I think it was naive of you to marry a woman 12 years younger than you are, and expect her to give up on having a child.

I had a friend in a similar position although her husband is only 10 years older and they agreed on ONE child. My friend would have liked more.

There's an awful lot of assumptions on this thread. Probably due to the lack of response from the op.

We don't know an awful lot about their situation so why theorise

Agree ChanelNo19

Don't try and talk her round. Let her go immediately so that she has the chance to be a mother.

YOU are a father. YOu have family, grandchildren. It's really unfair to just talk her out of what she wants