My wife wants a child I don't

[LancsBlue22]

Hi
My wife and I have been together for 14 years married for 4. I am 49 she is 37. We have discussed having children about 5 years ago and agreed not to, I have two boys from a previous marriage 24 and the eldest is 27 with a daughter of his own. I was a single parent when we met and my wife lived with us before we were married while the boys were at home. They do love her but they are not really close, she is more like a good friend than a mother.
My wife lost her father about 12 months before I met her, her mother passed away at age 57, 3 months ago from a brain tumour.
She has announced this week that she wants a baby to which I have disagreed for a number of reasons. I struggled to bring up my boys as I was not on a good wage – it was a struggle, I feel I am too old and have a grandchild. I am at that time of life things should be getting easier, I could not go through it all again.
I feel she now only wants a child to fill the void left by her parents, she was very close to her mother and loved her dearly, I think she feels having a child would somehow compensate her loss. she has never been particularly broody before or very maternal, she gets on well with children but has never even changed a babies nappy. I have had some discussions with her and she has stated that unfortunately our marriage would have to come to an end in order for her to pursue her need for a baby. She is dreadfully sorry and sad and I can see it is tearing her apart hurting me but says time is not on her side.
This is all a massive shock to me as we are really close, we hardly ever fall out and I love her more than anything, I would normally do anything for her but I can’t do this. We hardly ever argue and we have just come back from a wonderful holiday in NYC She recently joined the police as a pcso but did not finish her training course due to the death of her mum. She starts training again on Monday and as she is a bright intelligent person will do really well in her new career. I don’t think she has fully thought things through, she seems to be risking everything, our marriage, her career, her friendships etc. I’m really close to her family, her brother has lived with us since the loss of their mum. I will be inconsolable if she goes ahead with this, but also feel I cannot stand in her way or find some common ground. I’m getting very depressed about it all my life just seems to be a failure again. I feel she needs to speak to somebody but I don’t know who. (she has not sought any advice but is talking to her aunty today, who she is very close to)
Any advice would be helpful

[MostWicked]

As a Catholic you can receive an annulment of your marriage vows if you discover your spouse refuses to have children with you.
Which is an argument for how ridiculous the Catholic church is. It is up to every couple to decide together if they want children. They had discussed this matter before and chosen not to.

The OP has fulfilled that biological imperative but his wife has not.
It is not a biological imperative. It wasn't her wish before, now it is. A wish is not an imperative.

I believe if the OP was not open to more children he should not have got married, controversial I know but your biological children should not been seen as a curse to be avoided at all cost.
His wife didn't want children and this was mutually agreed at the time of marriage. No-one has been deceitful here, it is a change of heart by his wife, he is not responsible for that.
It is incredibly rude and ignorant to suggest that he views his biological children as a curse to be avoided at all cost.

Religion has no place in this discussion.

[MaryWestmacott]

OP - if you are still reading, the most important thing is to accept that she's probably being honest that she wants a child, apart from anything else, having agreed 5 years ago not to have children, it is unlikely it was easy to say to you that she'd changed her mind.

Ultimately, I don't believe you should have a baby to keep her happy if you are 100% certain you don't want a 3rd. The people suggesting it on here probably mean well, but I've met adults who were unwanted babies, even if materially they are provided for, emotionally they are fucked up and it's not fair on anyone to do that.

If you really don't want a baby with her, then you should forget counselling, and see solicitors instead. The need for a baby rarely goes away, woman who can't have children can make peace with it if it's noone else's fault, in your case, it'll be your fault she does'nt have DCs and that will be poision for your marriage.

Your choice is a baby with her (or at least trying for a baby with her) or divorce - either now or some point down the line. There's no "things going back to how they were" option. No magic words to take the need for children away.

Crap situation to be in, but best you face it rather than think she's being silly and 'will get over it'.

[CheerfulYank]

DifferentName I was in no way suggesting that the OP have a child to appease his wife. I said that in my first sentence.

Of course it may not happen that way! No one knows how much time they have. I was just saying that if I were the OP, it's something I would think about.

[specialsubject]

children are not 'void-fillers', bereavement therapy, rights from marriage or anything else. They are individual human beings that should be brought into a relationship where they are wanted by BOTH partners.

and there are people who regret their children - search on here and you will find them saying what is unsayable in real life.

OP, if this spells the end of your marriage then I am really sorry. But that is better than producing a child that one parent does not want. Your wife needs to recognise this too.

[scallopsrgreat]

I think his wife does recognise that specialsubject, that's why she is prepared to leave the relationship. She isn't trying to change his mind. She isn't saying that he doesn't know his own mind or maybe needs counselling. She has accepted his decision for what it is and has said she can't stay in the relationship under those circumstances. She is allowed to do that.

She is also allowed to change her mind. People evolve. We don't stay static.

[doziedoozie]

The OP had financial problems when bringing up his DCs.

I wonder if that is no longer an issue. I wonder about the DW's wish for a career, is it full time or will she give up to look after her DC?

Also there is no guarantee she will become pregnant. Will they already have split up?

What will happen to the DB, is there room for him and DC? Might he be the childminder????

I think counselling (regarding the OP's and DW's feelings about another Dc) and discussion to look at these issues would be helpful. Perhaps if there is ample finances and support the OP might find fatherhood very different this time.

[TheLeftovermonster]

I think the op is selfish too, and the relationship with his wife is mostly about meeting his needs.

[Ragwort]

Why is the Op being selfish - - you can just as easily say his wife is being selfish.

Neither of them is selfish, they just have different opinions.

Personally I think it is just as 'selfish' to want a baby if your partner doesn't as happened to me.

[Bowlersarm]

The OP isn't selfish at all.

He and his wife are at a stage where they both want different things.

If anything, you could say his wife was being selfish to now change the agreed path they were following together.

IMO, no one is being selfish; time has gone by and goals have changed. Thats life.

Many couples find a compromise over issues of conflict. Unfortunately having a child cant be subject to compromise; you either have a child or you don't.

[TheLeftovermonster]

He's had his children, she helped him bring them up, now he wants a quiet life and she has to go along with that because he couldn't possibly change his plans. Now he is hoping she has fertility problems so the whole issue of her wanting children would just go away. I bet she has been unhappy about this for a while but he blamed it on other things and pretended not to notice. All very me, me, me. He is perfectly entitled to not want children, obviously, but if I was his wife, I'd be wondering why I wasted so many years with him.

[wafflyversatile]

She doesn't have to go along with that. She can find someone who does want children. You could just as easily ask why she wasted his time saying she didn't want kids only to change her mind.

He didn't want kids
She didn't want kids
Now she wants kids
He still doesn't want kids.

Neither of them is wrong. time passed. things changed. That's all.

[TheLeftovermonster]

I'm not saying he is wrong. I just think he sounds like a selfish person. He probably can't help that.

[OwlCapone]

I just think he sounds like a selfish person.

No more selfish than his wife for changing her mind and wanting a child.

This is one of the most difficult things to overcome as there really is no compromise. Both sides are entitled to their feelings on the subject but, at the end of the day, not wanting a child trumps wanting one IMO. No child should be brought into this world with one resentful parent.

[Minifingers]

The desire to have a child is on a level with the desire for companionship and love, or a desire for an education - it's a fundamental part of being human. (And yes, not everyone wants a child, in the same way that not everyone wants a partner or an education - but most do, powerfully). It is not the same as the desire for a quiet and easy life.

The OP's and his wife's desires are not on par with each other. His IS selfish. Hers is not - it is a normal part of being a woman.

[Ragwort]

Why do people keep saying it is 'selfish' to not want children - it's not like wanting a few sweeties is it? . Having a child is a life changing decision (yes, even if you already have children) and should only happen after very, very careful thought, discussion and total agreement.

It is sad that these two now have different opinions, but just to have a child 'to avoid been seen as selfish' is absolutely ridiculous.

[Ragwort]

Mini - are you honestly saying that if a woman does not want to have a child she is not 'normal' ?

[Minifingers]

In one sense it's not 'normal' as most people don't feel that way. But that's not a judgement - I don't see it as a marker of a dysfunctional personality.

[OwlCapone]

The OP's and his wife's desires are not on par with each other. His IS selfish. Hers is not - it is a normal part of being a woman.

Nonsense. Bringing a child into this world is perhaps one of the most selfish things possible.

[FolkGirl]

I agree with Owl

Having a child is one of the most selfish things we do. Many people don't give it due thought or consideration beforehand. It is purely a "this is what I want".

It is incredibly selfish of us to have children. They have no say, we do it because we want to and for no other reason.

I am really pleased I don't know any women who think a woman who doesn't want children isn't 'normal' or a man who doesn't want children is 'selfish'. I know lots of people who have made lots of different life choices, but I wouldn't impose my own views on them to decide whether they are selfish/normal or not!

[Bunbaker]

I agree with both of your posts Ragwort. I never had that overwhelming desire to have a child, so I admit that I find it difficult to fully understand the wife's position. (Therefore I am not normal in some people's opinion)

"Nonsense. Bringing a child into this world is perhaps one of the most selfish things possible."

I agree

[FolkGirl]

I'm with you, too, Bunbaker.

I have 2 children but have never really 'desired' a child. I've never felt 'broody' and I think that if I'd never had any, I'd have been quite comfortable with that. After I had my first, I had no real desire to have a second. I did it so that my first wasn't an only child in our tiny family.

I must not be 'normal' too...

[Pinkfrocks]

I don't think he's coming back, somehow....