My wife wants a child I don't

[LancsBlue22]

Hi
My wife and I have been together for 14 years married for 4. I am 49 she is 37. We have discussed having children about 5 years ago and agreed not to, I have two boys from a previous marriage 24 and the eldest is 27 with a daughter of his own. I was a single parent when we met and my wife lived with us before we were married while the boys were at home. They do love her but they are not really close, she is more like a good friend than a mother.
My wife lost her father about 12 months before I met her, her mother passed away at age 57, 3 months ago from a brain tumour.
She has announced this week that she wants a baby to which I have disagreed for a number of reasons. I struggled to bring up my boys as I was not on a good wage – it was a struggle, I feel I am too old and have a grandchild. I am at that time of life things should be getting easier, I could not go through it all again.
I feel she now only wants a child to fill the void left by her parents, she was very close to her mother and loved her dearly, I think she feels having a child would somehow compensate her loss. she has never been particularly broody before or very maternal, she gets on well with children but has never even changed a babies nappy. I have had some discussions with her and she has stated that unfortunately our marriage would have to come to an end in order for her to pursue her need for a baby. She is dreadfully sorry and sad and I can see it is tearing her apart hurting me but says time is not on her side.
This is all a massive shock to me as we are really close, we hardly ever fall out and I love her more than anything, I would normally do anything for her but I can’t do this. We hardly ever argue and we have just come back from a wonderful holiday in NYC She recently joined the police as a pcso but did not finish her training course due to the death of her mum. She starts training again on Monday and as she is a bright intelligent person will do really well in her new career. I don’t think she has fully thought things through, she seems to be risking everything, our marriage, her career, her friendships etc. I’m really close to her family, her brother has lived with us since the loss of their mum. I will be inconsolable if she goes ahead with this, but also feel I cannot stand in her way or find some common ground. I’m getting very depressed about it all my life just seems to be a failure again. I feel she needs to speak to somebody but I don’t know who. (she has not sought any advice but is talking to her aunty today, who she is very close to)
Any advice would be helpful

[Bunbaker]

But her needs don't trump his.

[Hailtherain]

OP I don't really see how counselling will help tbh. This isn't really a communication issue or anything. You just want different things.
Unless you think you might change your mind, why mention fertility tests otherwise! Unless you are hoping she will be infertile and the problem will go away?!?

[notnowImreading]

You could always shag someone much younger and leave her while making her feel it's her fault. That's what my husband did.

[TapWellies]

LancsBlue22 I think that we could do with a bit more input from you.

[expatinscotland]

I do agree you need to let her go now.

[notnowImreading]

Sorry, that was mean - nothing to do with you at all. It is very hard to be the one who is unable to have the children one longs for because the man one loves has already done so. In my case, we had always agreed that we would have children and my husband changed his mind but didn't want to tell me so brought things to a head by having an affair just as we were due to start ivf. I, on the other hand, have been left childless at an age where meeting someone new is difficult at the best of times and meeting someone new who is willing to have an immediate go at ivf with no guarantee of success is very unlikely, particularly what with the broken heart and all.

My feeling now, 18 months later, is that if my husband had not had the affair and had offered me a very good life full of adventures and love instead of children, I might have come round to the idea. At the time, all I could feel was devastating anger and loss and emptiness.

As it is, I have a new house and a good job and a nice cat and family close and lots of friends and No husband and no children and I can only bear it by never, ever letting myself think about it. It makes me feel like an utterly pointless person. Crying now.

You're dealing her a devastating wound. It doesn't mean that her wishes should automatically come before yours but you need to know how much healing will need to happen and effort you will need to put into helping her to be happy in another way.

[SoonToBeSix]

I think you are selfish op.

[MaryWestmacott]

I don't think it's shocking she's telling him she'll leave if he won't have a baby with her, it's being honest if that's what she'll do. There's no point not telling him the choice, if she said she'd stay with him no matter what, he might think the choice was between having another DC with her or them continuing as they are. If the 'continuing as they are' really isn't an option for her, then it's only fair to give him the real choice.

OP - you say she wasn't maternal - but she started dating a single father with a 13 year old and a 10 year old. She was happy to sacrifice the 'commitment free' lifestyle that most childless 20-somethings have to be with you. You had DCs at a similar age so perhaps you don't realise what she was giving up, but her contemporaries will have had a lot more big holidays, freedom, the chance to just go "sod it, I'll take this 6 month contract in Hong Kong and see what happens" without thinking "can we relocate the DCs? What about schools?". She might have left the parenting to you, but being with a man with DCs will have limited her life options.

Not saying you 'owe' her a baby for this, but you do owe her a little respect that she's not just saying she wants a baby on a whim and that because (after already having your own DCs) you think what she's giving up wouldn't be worth a 3rd DC to you, she might think it's worth it for her 1st.

I suggested fertility tests because if she can't have DCs then while she might need councelling to get over that, she won't be chosing between you and a child.

[Bowlersarm]

I don't think the ops being selfish at all.

He's trying to find a way to move forward. What's wrong with that?

[MillyMollyMandy78]

OP - i have experienced the same dilemna as your wife. Been with my husband for 10 years and love him deeply. We have a very, however around 5 years ago I felt the strong need to have children. It was all consuming, all i could think about, and I did consider if leaving my husband was an option. For me it wasn't, but I can understand completely why others may choose to go.

You seem to be getting a bit of a bad rap here for being selfish by not giving your wife what she wants. I don't think you are being selfish, its just unfortunate that you don't want the same things in life, and there is no compromise to this - you can't have half a child! It is no one's fault!

But your attitude may be pushing her further away - you do sound very patronising when you are trying to suggest why she wants to be a mum. It is unkind of you to belittle your wifes feelings in this way. Perhaps you don't mean to, maybe it helps you to feel less guilty for not wanting the same things. My husband reacted in a similar way initailly, trying to suggest that my reasons were foolish, or not good enough. That is not your judgement to make, and will not change he mind. You both need to come at this from a non-blaming stance, neither of you are wrong in your feelings, you are just alienating her even more. You neede to just accept that she wants children, regardless of the reasons why. When my DH was able to take this stance, then we were able to talk things through rationally and work through our feelings together. It does sound as though your wife will probably leave anyway, but you owe it to each other to talk about things properly, Both showing sympathy and understanding to the other, not focusing on trying to change he mind.

If she did end up staying, or you agreed to have kids, it will not all be roses from here. Me and DH have had our moments, but for me the decision to stay with my loving husband was much more important than a possible child, and all that entails. I didn't want him to feel brow-beaten into having a child, because I believe that would be damaging to the child, and the marriage. I also ignored all the advice about having an 'accident'. i felt strongly that deceiving my DH in that way was a prertty disgusting thing to do. Mostly, things for us are really good, and i am happy with my choice, but only because we both show respect for the other's wishes and do not attribute blame or try to diminish each other's feelings... Only then can we support each other when things get bad.

I wish you and your wife well, and hope you can work things out. But whatever happens, you need to be honest and open about your feelings and really listen to her. Stop trying to get her to change her mind - just try to understand. If you can't show rspect for her views, your marriage is a good as dead anyway

[AnyFucker]

â?¢Notnowâ?¢ I am very sorry

[AnyFucker]

What the hell are those symbols ??

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Don't belittle her feelings and try and explain them away.

Either have a baby with her or let her go so she has a chance to create a family with someone else.

Your needs and hers differ. You either deal with it or leave, but I don't think you should be putting pressure on her to go back rogue way she felt before, as it's not the way she feels now.

[notnowImreading]

Thank you anyfucker - sorry for the pity party. I really am alright day-to-day.

[specialsubject]

dear oh dear. I agree that there is some shocking sexism here.

the OP is being honest about his reasons for not wanting a child. But it doesn't matter what those reasons are; he doesn't want a child and that's it.

if she does that badly then sadly they have to split. Neither of them are right or wrong, but what they want is incompatible.

[aprilanne]

OP this is a hard one with little room for comprimise .but it looks like u are saying well i have had my family .but is that really fair in your wife .you have admited they are not close .and the urge to be a mother is a strong one .although i must admit .14 years is a long time to wait then change your mind .there will probably be no winners here .

[flappityfanjos]

But is there much point in him having a fertility check if he doesn't want a child anyway? That's a bit like rubbing her nose in it, surely, if it turns out he definitely could but still doesn't want to. I agree it'd be an idea for her to make sure she can have children before ending her marriage to try for one.

[MostWicked]

If you love your DW then give her the child she wants.

A child isn't a gift that you give to someone because you love them, a child is a person that you create with someone and you have a lifelong responsibility for.

There is no compromise here. There is no middle ground. If this is a deal breaker for her, then you will have to let her go.

[flappityfanjos]

(Sorry to double post, this is a totally separate comment from my previous)

You know what I think really would be selfish? Bringing a child into the world purely to keep another adult happy and keep a marriage intact.

The OP is not hurting his wife by maintaining his position on not having more children, which she has always known about. Life is hurting her, her sudden desire for something she had never previously planned for is hurting her. She arranged her life with the intention of not having children. Now she wants a child, and it must hurt like absolute hell, but no one is to blame for her childlessness. It's one of those shitty things that life sometimes throws at us. She has to find her way through it as best she can, but all this stuff about the OP being selfish for denying her children is total bollocks.

The only way it would be selfish is if he'd strung her along with the promise of children while never really meaning it. He has not done that. Neither of them wanted children, they talked about this five years ago, they did what they could to make sure they were on the same page. He's not wrong for not changing his mind just because she has.

[GnomeDePlume]

MillyMollyMandy78 very wise words.

[Hailtherain]

I'm not at all sure tests showing Dw is infertile will solve anything. It will be so obvious OP is delighted and relieved whilst DW is devastated. Hardly a great basis for moving on in a relationship.

[eddielizzard]

if you don't want a child, don't have a child. you cannot make this sacrifice.

my friend had a child when her husband didn't want one. he doesn't lift a finger to help or spend much time with the dd. consequently the dd has very low self esteem, my friend is soothingly resentful of him and feels like a single parent anyway. a very unhealthy situation.

[eddielizzard]

also, i speak as someone who had a third child to keep dh happy. it has worked out for me, but it was really tough. and i already had 2 small children so i was 'in the zone'.

[Hailtherain]

The more I think about the fertility test thing the more I think it is a disastrous idea. Either your wife will think you have changed your mind, in which case she will expect you to want to concei e if all is okay or go down fertility treatment route if not, or she will suspect you only want to try to find out she is infertile so things can get back to normal. I would be disgusted with dh if I thought the latter. To think he is pinning his hopes on my devastation would be appalling. Please don't do this OP. it really shows no respect or understanding of your wife.