My wife wants a child I don't

[LancsBlue22]

Hi
My wife and I have been together for 14 years married for 4. I am 49 she is 37. We have discussed having children about 5 years ago and agreed not to, I have two boys from a previous marriage 24 and the eldest is 27 with a daughter of his own. I was a single parent when we met and my wife lived with us before we were married while the boys were at home. They do love her but they are not really close, she is more like a good friend than a mother.
My wife lost her father about 12 months before I met her, her mother passed away at age 57, 3 months ago from a brain tumour.
She has announced this week that she wants a baby to which I have disagreed for a number of reasons. I struggled to bring up my boys as I was not on a good wage – it was a struggle, I feel I am too old and have a grandchild. I am at that time of life things should be getting easier, I could not go through it all again.
I feel she now only wants a child to fill the void left by her parents, she was very close to her mother and loved her dearly, I think she feels having a child would somehow compensate her loss. she has never been particularly broody before or very maternal, she gets on well with children but has never even changed a babies nappy. I have had some discussions with her and she has stated that unfortunately our marriage would have to come to an end in order for her to pursue her need for a baby. She is dreadfully sorry and sad and I can see it is tearing her apart hurting me but says time is not on her side.
This is all a massive shock to me as we are really close, we hardly ever fall out and I love her more than anything, I would normally do anything for her but I can’t do this. We hardly ever argue and we have just come back from a wonderful holiday in NYC She recently joined the police as a pcso but did not finish her training course due to the death of her mum. She starts training again on Monday and as she is a bright intelligent person will do really well in her new career. I don’t think she has fully thought things through, she seems to be risking everything, our marriage, her career, her friendships etc. I’m really close to her family, her brother has lived with us since the loss of their mum. I will be inconsolable if she goes ahead with this, but also feel I cannot stand in her way or find some common ground. I’m getting very depressed about it all my life just seems to be a failure again. I feel she needs to speak to somebody but I don’t know who. (she has not sought any advice but is talking to her aunty today, who she is very close to)
Any advice would be helpful

[PenisesAreNotPink]

What you've just described though terrier weren't really happy marriages if the dh just pissed off

[CaptChaos]

I think you're just going to have to split up then. You seem to believe that at the age of 37 she is incapable of knowing her own mind, which is more than a little patronising.

If you really don't want children, that's fine, if she does, that's also fine, you'll just have to split up and move on. There is no compromise here, do it sooner rather than later though, to give her good time to either sort out donor sperm, or find someone who does want to have a child with her.

I wish you both the best of luck.

[Merinda]

I do not think it is selfish not to want kids.
I think it is selfish to expect the person you love to give up on something they desperately want because that is your preference.
Particularly grating are the statements that she did not think it through properly and somehow does not know what it means because she never changed a nappy.

[Pinkfrocks]

you might like to read this dilemma from the other side which someone posted a few days ago...

I want a child and my DH doesn't

The advice there was that she should leave him or at least have counselling , allow him to see how much it meant to her, then give him the chance to change his mind.

Your wife has a few years left to have a child. there is no guarantee she will meet anyone else in time. would she use a sperm donor?

Did you ever discuss this before you married? I suppose what I find incredulous is that in 14 years she never once said she wanted her own child as well as being a stepmum. Did she and did you ignore it?

You are not too old at 49.Many men become fathers at that age especially if they have a wife 10 or 15 years younger. There are some men in the public eye- the Dimbleby brothers for instance- who each became fathers again in the 60s with 'younger model' wives.


I suppose what I find cold about your post is that you have no desire to create a child with your wife. Children aren't a commodity like a car- ie 'I've got one already so don't want another'. They are something you create out of love for each other - or should be.

You are not wrong and she is not right- it's just you have different goals on life. If you are 100% sure that you don't want another child you may well lose her. But she is being foolish is she thinks that finding a new partner who will give her a child is guaranteed- she may end up on her own with no man and no baby.

[Terrierterror]

Ah, so you get to decide what happy is. The DH fucked off after 15 years of marriage for someone else. Can you say that wan't a happy marriage for the first 10 years? The first 12? The first 14?

If you'd asked her she would have said it was happy and I think he would too until the met the OW.

[twizzleship]

I'm sure if there was a contraceptive failure tomorrow......be careful of this op! desperate women will resort to desperate measures!

what she needs is to see a counsellor and get some professional help dealing with her grief, THEN if she still wants children then you will just have to let her go.

it isn't fair or right to expect you to 'give in' to her....i mean would anyone here think it was ok to force a woman to become a mother against her will?!

[PenisesAreNotPink]

Not me, no. Just that surely you're not happy if you break up?

[Flossiex2]

I never wanted children but at the age of 37 I started to change my mind. I think it's the age where women know it's now or never.

[Terrierterror]

And the other couple are still together. She still mourns the children she could have had.

[Pinkfrocks]

terrier are you on the right thread- you've lost me.

OP I don't think her parents' deaths have created a void she wants to fill.

But what they may have done is remind her we are all mortal.
When people lose their last parent they often say they feel 'grown up' at last. It brings a stark reminder of how our time here is finite.

Her mum died at an age younger than I am now. That's tough for any daughter to bear.

The only way any of us can have our bit of immortality is to have a child and ( we hope) pass on our DNA which will survive us.

Maybe this is why she is so eager now- to call it a 'void' is to minimise it.

And, another point is that you became a father at 22- hardly the best age as you were no more than a child yourself then. Maybe at 49 you'd make a better one?

[MaryWestmacott]

Thing is OP, you think she only wants a baby to fill the void left by her parents, or could it be more that her parents' death has made her focus on what's important to her, and that actually, you don't have all the time in the world. And if children are something she sort of wants, she really doesn't have much time.

You talk about it being hard to have small children, but do you regret having them? Do you wish you didn't or no matter how tough it was, you look back with fondness for those early years? (even if you don't fancy repeating it) Do you love your children? Have they brought you happiness? You called it a struggle, what did you give up for them - do you think it was worth it?

Can you really not see why someone else might want children? You say she hasn't really thought it through what she's risking, or could it be that she has finally thought it through about what she's risking, to not have a child in order to have you. It might well be that she's finally thought about what being with you will cost her.

You've had this life experience of parenthood, she hasn't. While she was younger and possibly not thinking about it, that was fine. But now she's thought about it, and suddenly as much as she loves you, perhaps you're not worth the 'cost'.

First things first for you both, before she does walk away, can you suggest she goes for fertility testing, if she can't have DCs anyway, there's little point breaking up your marriage over it.

Then I think you need to be prepared to start separating your lives. If you really won't have another DC and she really wants one, then your marriage is over. Even if not over now, it won't survive long term if you're the reason she's unhappy.

[PenisesAreNotPink]

Well, we're all different and I wouldn't want to impose my views about how people 'should' be. I can only say what it's like for me.

It's an interesting question for me as I'm missing that drive to have a baby and am perfectly happy looking after others children as a foster carer.

It mostly looks irrational to me from outside it, or to be about something else, some other sort of unhappiness.

However, I can absolutely see that since there are people on this thread who do have it that we are all (thankfully) different.

[Pinkfrocks]

If you don't want children Penis then why are you adding an opinion? How can you possibly understand the OP's wife?

[MrsPixieMoo]

I was in your wife's position. I was married for ten years to a lovely man, who was older than I was and who had two daughters. When we met I was in my early 20s and didn't want children. He didn't want any more. It was a condition of being together.

After turning 30 I wanted a baby. We talked and both had strong reasons not to compromise and after a lot of heartache and tears, we amicably divorced.

I'm remarried and have two daughters. I don't regret the decisions I made at all. My ex-husband now lives abroad in a new relationship with a woman closer to his age who also has grow up children. We don't regret the years we were together and are both glad we didn't stay together as I know I would have resented him and that the relationship would probably have broken down through bitterness by which time it may have been too late for me to have children.

It's a horrible decision to have to make, but your happily ever after might be found apart rather than together.

[thisisnow]

I think 49 is too old, stick to your guns and sadly you will have to let the relationship go.

[MaryWestmacott]

oh and Expat - I don't think it's sexist - we weren't able to give that other man advice as it was just his DW posting, and she was told if he said no to a baby to leave. But here, there's the chance to say to the DH, are you prepared to lose her because a baby would be the cost to keep her, and you know it might not be that bad being an older parent.

Theres no 3rd option of making her not want a baby if she does. It's have one or end the relationship. Same advice as the woman posting the other week was given (her DH said yes to a baby in the end)

[TapWellies]

My daughter and her partner have just split up over this issue. She feels that living on your own and being childless is preferable to being with the person you love, who would make you childless.

[Pinkfrocks]

How old is your DD Tap?

[Terrierterror]

Penises has every right to add an opinion. Not everyone has a strong urge to have children.

[CaptChaos]

Looking at this from the other side though, the wife might be better off having a child with a younger man. It's not just eggs that start to deteriorate with age.

[Terrierterror]

Your daughter must be very strong TapWellies

[expatinscotland]

When and if you feel too old, then you are. I would find it patronising if someone told me, a 43-year-old woman, I wasn't too old to have children. I wouldn't say that to a woman my age who does feel she is not too old, I'd tell her to go for it. I know myself, my body and my energy levels and feel too old. This man does, too. He is an adult who knows himself.

[mistlethrush]

I have a friend who didn't want a baby - her husband was fine with that decision. However, when she turned 40 she realised she did - luckily she managed to get pregnant and had a child at 41. Very luckily her husband was quite happy with the change in plans. And she hadn't felt broody at all, and had made it quite clear that she didn't want a child before that point.

[PenisesAreNotPink]

Pinkfrocks - I'm not trying to understand the OP's wife, she's not posting

The OP is posting and we 're just having a general discussion - if that's ok with you?

[prettywhiteguitar]

Op doesn't seem to have much to say on the matter