My wife wants a child I don't

[LancsBlue22]

Hi
My wife and I have been together for 14 years married for 4. I am 49 she is 37. We have discussed having children about 5 years ago and agreed not to, I have two boys from a previous marriage 24 and the eldest is 27 with a daughter of his own. I was a single parent when we met and my wife lived with us before we were married while the boys were at home. They do love her but they are not really close, she is more like a good friend than a mother.
My wife lost her father about 12 months before I met her, her mother passed away at age 57, 3 months ago from a brain tumour.
She has announced this week that she wants a baby to which I have disagreed for a number of reasons. I struggled to bring up my boys as I was not on a good wage – it was a struggle, I feel I am too old and have a grandchild. I am at that time of life things should be getting easier, I could not go through it all again.
I feel she now only wants a child to fill the void left by her parents, she was very close to her mother and loved her dearly, I think she feels having a child would somehow compensate her loss. she has never been particularly broody before or very maternal, she gets on well with children but has never even changed a babies nappy. I have had some discussions with her and she has stated that unfortunately our marriage would have to come to an end in order for her to pursue her need for a baby. She is dreadfully sorry and sad and I can see it is tearing her apart hurting me but says time is not on her side.
This is all a massive shock to me as we are really close, we hardly ever fall out and I love her more than anything, I would normally do anything for her but I can’t do this. We hardly ever argue and we have just come back from a wonderful holiday in NYC She recently joined the police as a pcso but did not finish her training course due to the death of her mum. She starts training again on Monday and as she is a bright intelligent person will do really well in her new career. I don’t think she has fully thought things through, she seems to be risking everything, our marriage, her career, her friendships etc. I’m really close to her family, her brother has lived with us since the loss of their mum. I will be inconsolable if she goes ahead with this, but also feel I cannot stand in her way or find some common ground. I’m getting very depressed about it all my life just seems to be a failure again. I feel she needs to speak to somebody but I don’t know who. (she has not sought any advice but is talking to her aunty today, who she is very close to)
Any advice would be helpful

Let her go.

Everyone has more than one 'love'. She has time to find the next.

And obviously pinkfrocks I do want children around as I've already said I'm a foster carer (and now too old to have bio children)

Maybe counselling and both of us having a fertility test is the way forward?

Oh OP, I feel for you and it's the one area that means one person will have to compromise.

I have had maternal urges and they do pass. However I'm currently experiencing this from the 'other side'. I really, really don't want any more children. DH has only one child ( I have more from a previous marriage). I know DH would love another child but I can't bring myself to physically and mentally have another child.

It hasn't separated us, but unfortunately it has meant that DH will give up his wish of another child. He wouldn't leave a perfectly good relationship for the desire to have another child. It is slightly different in that we already have children though.

Please don't have a child to keep the relationship though, as that will only cause tension between you and your wife and any potential children.

FWIW women who post from your wife's situation are normally told to leave the relationship or accept that you can't have a child in that relationship as the one that doesn't want a child overrules the one that does. This applies to your situation too regardless of gender.

Ditto Mistlethrush. I think for some people it's only when they're nearing the biological cut off point that the reality kicks in.

You have to talk but accept that she might not change her mind and you may not also. How will you feel ? Could you do it all again for her ?

OK - so you now waste a few months (a year) having counselling and then fertility tests.
The test results come back that you are both fine and can conceive a child.
What then? Will you suddenly change your mind?
What if the tests say you can't and she can?
You are still in the same situation. She wants a baby, you don't want to and now can't father a child and she leaves.
I don't think there is anything to be gained here unless you are having counselling and tests so you can have a baby together???

If you don't want children Penis then why are you adding an opinion? How can you possibly understand the OP's wife?

It is a forum anyone can post if they want to. Or are you only supposed to post if you understand the OPs wife.

And, another point is that you became a father at 22- hardly the best age as you were no more than a child yourself then. Maybe at 49 you'd make a better one?

How do you know the OP isn't a fantastic father?

I suppose what I find cold about your post is that you have no desire to create a child with your wife.

I don't understand this? There are many reasons why people don't want children/any more children. Does that make all of them 'cold'

IMO I can see both sides and I don't think it is something that either if you can make the other compromise on.

I don't think you love her as much as you say you do. If I loved someone this much I would do anything to make them happy (illegal and abusive things aside). The sacrifice to you is about lifestyle, the sacrifice to her is the a fundamental part of life that you have already had the privilege to experience.

If you don't want to take a transactional part of the babies life like night feeds / changing nappies I have no issues with that as long as you are clear before hand.

Love makes life worthwhile. Not an easy retirement. Don't through the love you have away over the possibility of making her happy and adding more love with a new child.

There is no compromise here. Either she agrees to forget the idea and you carry on with resentment building up inside her or you agree to try and you then resent get for sleepless nights and priorities changing etc. In all honesty I think either way you'd marriage is looking doomed; sorry.

Please, please don't have a vasectomy without telling her. That would be an unforgivable thing to do. You are perfectly entitled to have one but you must discuss it with her first.

Oh and I'd never even held a baby let alone changed a nappy when I had my 1st. At 30 I couldn't even contemplate a baby but by my late 30s something just clicked. It could be that her mother's death has been a catalyst for get to reexamine her own mortality and reassess what she wants in life rather than causing her to make an irrational decision.

There is no answer, you are not being unreasonable to say you absolutely cannot do this but nor is she being unreasonable for insisting she must.
Oh and fwiw, DH and I decided on 3 but I would have comprised and stopped at 2. However, my urge for a second was so strong that despite being totally and utterly in love with my husband, if he'd refused to have a 2nd then I would have ended our (still) very happy marriage. My urge was so overwhelming that I know I would have been unable to carry in knowing he was denying me something I so desperately wanted. Good luck

But you could equally say that about her, that she doesn't love him enough to stay without a child

neither are true IMO

Earth looks like you've gone through my posts and picked out the bits you don't agree with !

I think you've missed the nuances somewhat.
I didn't say everyone who doesn't want a child is cold. What I meant was that the OP seemed to lack any empathy with his wife that they might have a child together- his reasoning being that he has 2 already.

Love for a child is not a cake that is divided up- it's a river where any child who stands in it receives that love.

I also found the OP's posts a bit patronising towards his wife as if he had always done the right thing- this is the impression he gave. Whereas I'd consider it foolish to be a father at 22 and even being a grandparent at 49 is young these days.

He seems old before his time.

There are plenty of people on here who became parents at 22 or younger. Guess they are all fools

The vitriol on this thread towards the OP is astounding. Posters generally aren't tough on women posting that they want a child - why be so harsh. He's been accused of being a young father therefore presumably a bad thing, of not loving his partner enough, being selfish etc

He is expressing his opinion for not wanting a further child - to which it was discussed and agreed. His wife is the one moving the goal posts which must be hard enough but seeking advice on this issue (from a parenting forum) results in insults - all those posters flinging insults should be ashamed of themselves.

Many women find themselves in this position. Some decide they want a child more than they want to stay in the relationship; some that they want the relationship more, thus give up on having a child.

Your wife has made the former decision and you have to respect that.

I don't see what the issue even is here.

She wants a child - for whatever reason - and it's frankly fucking patronising of you to try and find reasons why that's illogical. She wants one. Deal with it.

If you don't want to have another child (and I do find it infuriating when someone WITH children denies that opportunity to their partner but hey ho), then you're obviously not compelled to conceive one with her.

It just means that you two split up.

That's it.

You can't try and pressure her into not wanting this. It sounds like she isn't particularly pressuring you - she recognises that you two might need to split for this.

She wants a child. You already have yours. So you guys break up.

End of.

OP, stick to your guns on this one. Having a baby is something nobody should intentionally do if they don't want to. Having a 10 year old at the age of 60 is going to be tough and who knows if she'll get over the urge after one?

Make it clear to her this isn't going to change and it's up to her what she wants to do. Support her either way, it's all you can do.

I was your wife. My urge kicked in at 36/37 and I needed a child. We had never wanted them at all. The difference is that it never occured to me to leave my husband. There was no way I'd ever meet someone as wonderful. I was bloody lucky that my husband (who had never had children) changed his mind, and now we're having a baby. He now sees it as an exciting adventure. But if he were 49 and a grandad? I think its highly unlikely he'd have said yes!

And in that situation I'd have been sad, and yes, probably tried counselling. But if I couldn't get a baby I'd have stayed....and not being trite, but I'd have gotten a couple of small dogs that I could pour all my cuddling needs into.

So from my point of view I'm genuinely shocked she's telling you she'll leave. I think you need counselling from that point of view alone. It is quite a massive risk - leaving a marriage for nothing more than a chance with some random guy.

Plenty of people do feel ready to have babies at 22. As for the grandfather bit, we can't control when our children reproduce once they are past a certain age. His son may be 27, hardly a schoolboy father.

So from my point of view I'm genuinely shocked she's telling you she'll leave

Really? The women I've seen in this situation, some stay some go. I don't think either choice is shocking.

Dogs and cats are a fairly rubbish alternative to children.

Wow Kaykayblue, so logical, good job there's no emotions involved here.
Oh wait...

oh come on. I'm entitled to any opinion and IMO 22 is too young for a lad to be a parent. Most are still at uni at that age. The OP may have been a great dad but I still stand by my case that 22 is far too young for a lad to be a father, cos they haven't really grown up themselves.

OP, there is a small chance that your wife - if she has really been certain before now about not wanting a child - may change her mind, ie. go back to not wanting children. I think that chance is slim to zero though. I agree with above posters that a reaction to grief is a valid reason - that is the stuff of life. Bringing family and love into your life where it has been lost is valid too. Maybe this has made her focus on what is missing in her life. Also, I doubt it is solely that - she is at an age where people do suddenly decide they want to try to conceive, and in fact she may have been uncertain about remaining childless for some time.

I don't think you should underestimate how serious she is - a woman of 37 does not leave a long term, good relationship in the hope of getting pregnant lightly. She will know that she would be risking having neither you or a baby.

I agree that her needs don't trump yours and if you really don't feel you want to have another child then you should not, and I'm very sorry that you may lose her over this. I know you'll consider seriously what your best decision is, and please alongside that give her credit for considering things clearly. Don't try to dismiss her feelings as passing or a temporary reaction. Good luck with things.