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Original poster

My wife wants a child I don't

197 replies

LancsBlue22 · 15/08/2014 15:07

Hi
My wife and I have been together for 14 years married for 4. I am 49 she is 37. We have discussed having children about 5 years ago and agreed not to, I have two boys from a previous marriage 24 and the eldest is 27 with a daughter of his own. I was a single parent when we met and my wife lived with us before we were married while the boys were at home. They do love her but they are not really close, she is more like a good friend than a mother.
My wife lost her father about 12 months before I met her, her mother passed away at age 57, 3 months ago from a brain tumour.
She has announced this week that she wants a baby to which I have disagreed for a number of reasons. I struggled to bring up my boys as I was not on a good wage – it was a struggle, I feel I am too old and have a grandchild. I am at that time of life things should be getting easier, I could not go through it all again.
I feel she now only wants a child to fill the void left by her parents, she was very close to her mother and loved her dearly, I think she feels having a child would somehow compensate her loss. she has never been particularly broody before or very maternal, she gets on well with children but has never even changed a babies nappy. I have had some discussions with her and she has stated that unfortunately our marriage would have to come to an end in order for her to pursue her need for a baby. She is dreadfully sorry and sad and I can see it is tearing her apart hurting me but says time is not on her side.
This is all a massive shock to me as we are really close, we hardly ever fall out and I love her more than anything, I would normally do anything for her but I can’t do this. We hardly ever argue and we have just come back from a wonderful holiday in NYC She recently joined the police as a pcso but did not finish her training course due to the death of her mum. She starts training again on Monday and as she is a bright intelligent person will do really well in her new career. I don’t think she has fully thought things through, she seems to be risking everything, our marriage, her career, her friendships etc. I’m really close to her family, her brother has lived with us since the loss of their mum. I will be inconsolable if she goes ahead with this, but also feel I cannot stand in her way or find some common ground. I’m getting very depressed about it all my life just seems to be a failure again. I feel she needs to speak to somebody but I don’t know who. (she has not sought any advice but is talking to her aunty today, who she is very close to)
Any advice would be helpful

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 15/08/2014 15:30

I am assuming your wife came into the relationship with no children of her own? my sil is with an older man who did not want any children but for her that was okay as she already had a child.

I feel sorry for both of you. It is sad you couldn't have agreed to have a child 14 years ago! Any chance you may agree to just have the one child to compromise? one child is less draining than two.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 15/08/2014 15:32

You dont want a child and she does. So......a compromise or a split is needed. You either want to stay with her forever and so compromise by having a child or she decides that staying with you is more important so compromises on having a child.

Or you split. She may never have a child, but that will be a risk only she can decide if she wants to take.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 15/08/2014 15:33

Agree why she now wants a child doesn't really matter. She does.

At the same time, I can understand the almost equally strong feeling of being done with all that, and just not wanting to go through the baby years again.

It's not about right or wrong, only really about whether either of you can bear to move position, without resentment, for the other. And if not, saying goodbye without rancour.

expatinscotland · 15/08/2014 15:33

I love how sexist MN always is on this issue. Not more than a few days ago, there was a similar OP, but from a woman who wanted children and her spouse, with a similar age gap, did not. Cue hundreds of posts telling her to leave (including mine. Male or female, I advise moving on rather than having a child with someone who does not want them). But when it comes from a man, it's all, give her a child, you will love being an older parent, it will all work out etc.

Bant · 15/08/2014 15:34

I agree with some on here - a vasectomy is the only way you can control things. You have a right to not father another child if you so choose. Her needs do not outweigh yours on this.

As it is, there are threads on MN about whether a woman should 'forget' to take the pill as she wants a child and her husband doesn't. How would you feel if she agreed not to have a child after all, and then got pregnant three months from now? Would you always have a sneaking suspicion? Would you stay with her feeling that she may have betrayed your trust on something so important?

A vasectomy is your only way of guaranteeing - or pretty much guaranteeing - that she won't get pregnant.

But, she has the right to have a child if she wants one. You have the right to not have one if you don't. You can't have a snip without telling her, you've got to be honest about it.

If she won't stay with you because her biological/emotional need for a child outweigh her need to be with you, then I'm sorry but it looks like the two of you would have to split.

It's a difficult situation you're in - you have my sympathies

expatinscotland · 15/08/2014 15:35

And 'one child isn't a lot of work' is always thrown out. My last one had autism and ADHD. He is more work than the other two put together.

gamerchick · 15/08/2014 15:36

It's one of those stalemate and there is no easy solution unless one of you caves and the one who does may end up feeling very resentful which Is nails in a coffin anyway.

You have the right to say no and she has the right to end things and carry on with her life having babies.

My husbands in his 50s and I'm In my 30s we have no kids together but he had the snip a long long time ago so it was a wide eyes open job before we even got together.

If you're sure then I would get the op tbh so you can't be oopsed.

I'm sorry.

scallopsrgreat · 15/08/2014 15:37

She is allowed to leave you over this LancsBlue. In addition, it is an area you can't compromise over. There isn't any common ground. If she wants a baby and you don't and aren't going to move from that stance, why are you wanting her to move from her stance?

Why don't you think she has thought this through? That is pretty patronising. Just because she has never changed a nappy (how many of us have before we become parents) does not mean she doesn't know her own mind. I would say that the death of her mother has probably focused her mind. Your post is all about changing her mind when, quite frankly she seems to be clear of thought in that area. If you don't want to change your mind why do you think you should try and change hers?

DaisyFlowerChain · 15/08/2014 15:37

I couldn't force another human into having a child they didn't want just because I did. Neither would I have one for somebody else just to keep them.

Don't be forced into it just because of the ultimatum, she can be selfish and follow her desires if she so chooses.

Bunbaker · 15/08/2014 15:38

I have only one child and I found having a child extremely hard work.

Merinda · 15/08/2014 15:38

I have a very strong opinion on this. Your position seems selfish to me. You have your own kids, she does not. She has a strong desire to have kids and a right to fulfil it. You will have to make a choice, I do not imagine you relationship will ever be the same.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/08/2014 15:39

Of course MN is sexist Hmm

Bunbaker · 15/08/2014 15:39

I think wanting or not wanting a child are equally selfish.

Merinda · 15/08/2014 15:39

Oh, and the assumptions that having a baby means career suicide is rubbish. I know a lot of very successful accomplished professional women who have kids. It is not easy, but not impossible either.

PenisesAreNotPink · 15/08/2014 15:40

Yes, it is definitely sexist expat

I've often wanted to start a post on the feminist board about it. I'm unsure about this biological 'drive' and question it's existence. (I do realise that sounds horribly contentious).

There are many great reasons to have children but this 'drive' often could be explained by something else, societal pressure, something to love, relationship going wrong and needing 'fixed', career not going well.

I'm not sure I've met someone who's drive was so strong, where there were no other factors, that would leave a happy marriage just to have kids Confused

expatinscotland · 15/08/2014 15:41

She doesn't need to meet someone else, either. She can use a sperm donor.

I don't think it's at all selfish to not want more kids with another partner, as long as you have been honest about it from the get go. The onus is on the one who changes his or her mind, as anyone is free to do, to stay or go, not on the one who said NO from the get go to change his or her mind.

LadyLuck10 · 15/08/2014 15:41

Very sexist responses.
Agree with expat.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/08/2014 15:42

I knew a couple in a similar situation. He struck a deal with her that she could have a baby as long as he had nothing whatsoever to do with it. He stuck by that arrangement to the letter and she went along with it. It wasn't a compromise, it just marked him out as an arsehole and her as desperate.

OP.... if you really don't want children, end the marriage rather than humming and hawing for too long. She hasn't got the time to waste.

naturalbaby · 15/08/2014 15:43

"I don’t think she has fully thought things through, she seems to be risking everything, our marriage, her career, her friendships etc" The only thing she risks loosing is your marriage.

If she really wants a baby that much then it does seem strange that she's waited 14yrs, but whatever the reason it's obviously a strong enough feeling for her to give you the ultimatum about your marriage.

It doesn't really matter that it's a baby she wants - you both want different things from the relationship now and it's obviously not something either of you can compromise on.

cailindana · 15/08/2014 15:44

Poor you, what a sad situation to be in. There are no rights and wrongs in this, you just don't see eye to eye on what is an important life-changing issue, and your wife I think is justified in considering leaving you because of it. Not having children of her own will affect her till she dies. She could theoretically choose to live with the risk of regret but you can't blame her for not taking that risk.
Equally you are totally justified in saying you don't want any other children.

There is no real solution. Talk it through as much as you can but when it comes to it the relationship might not survive :(

expatinscotland · 15/08/2014 15:44

I left an otherwise happy marriage to have kids. He was honest, and, at 34, sure of it, so we split.

That was 13 years ago we divorced.

I went on to remarry and have 3 children. He had a vasectomy, remarried a woman who never wanted children, either, and he and she are now in their late 40s happily childfree.

Primadonnagirl · 15/08/2014 15:47

cogito really shocked at your advice even with your caveat about not being even handed! I usually agree with you 100 percent but not this time. OP - sadly this is a no compromise situation but " giving" someone a child ( I hate that phrase) is NOT a token of your love. Anyone who has a child has to be prepared to be responsible for creating a whole new person...not just about cute babies. I don't think you can necessarily say she hasn't thought it through though.Her past behaviour and views about children don't necessarily have any bearing on the feelings she has now, and she is quite right about time being of the essence.Ulitimately only you can decide but it sounds as if the only way you can be together is if you agree that children might be part of your future.At least she is being honest with you. But if you really can't do this you have to walk away.

Terrierterror · 15/08/2014 15:47

'I'm not sure I've met someone who's drive was so strong, where there were no other factors, that would leave a happy marriage just to have kids'

Really? I can think of dozens of people who would. When you know you want children, whether that's something you've known for years or something you've recently realised, that comes first. I a couple of women who have settled and not had children when they really wanted them because of what their DHs wanted. One can barely stand to be around children because it hurts so much and the other was left by her delightful husband when she was 45 and now can't have any.

HygieneFreak · 15/08/2014 15:49

I understand your situation.

Ive been given a time limit if i want another child. I need to be pregnant within 4 years if i want another child.

Dh is 36 and doesnt want another child after 40 years old. He feels he doesnt want to be 60 and still have school aged children, he wants to retire early and not have child responsibilities. I can understand this.

However im only 26. Almost 27. We have one dd whos 22 months. I had an horrendous pregnancy and birth and have been advised to wait a fair few years before i have another to minimise the pregnancy problem being really bad if i was to have another.

I feel really sad that i cant have any more children after 30 with dh.

But on the other hand i can understand were dh is coming from.

helpmesolveaproblem · 15/08/2014 15:49

I understand the need for a baby, coming out of nowhere and knocking you off your feet.

imagine not being hungry...then all of a sudden you are, famished, shaking with hunger.

it is possible for it to come out of the blue.

it did with me....you feel like you have loads of time, and then you have none at all, and she is right time is not on her side.

if you really dont want to have any more kids, i think you should step aside and let her. this feeling wont go away...it will just turn into hatred and it will be directed at you because you are the person that prevented her from having a child.

good luck...its not a good position for either of you to be in