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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread 79

999 replies

louby44 · 13/08/2014 16:47

Wow! 79 already...

Welcome to all daters, new, experienced or tearing your hair out at the frustration!

OP posts:
UrsulaBuffay · 23/08/2014 11:38

Don't listen to your friend, that's really not the impression we've got and a gaggle of pissed off women can't be wrong

dontcallmehon22 · 23/08/2014 11:39

Grin Ursula you are right!

lottieandmia · 23/08/2014 11:40

Well I'm a strong believer in trusting your gut instinct. If something feels off then it often is. But otoh your friend doesn't know this man does he? If you're worried he's after sex just don't go there yet and if he's really interested he will wait IMO.

lottieandmia · 23/08/2014 11:40

Do you think it's possible you're stressing because of previous situations or not?

dontcallmehon22 · 23/08/2014 11:46

I think so. I didn't realise it, but after a relationship with a man who was falling for me by date 2, loved me by date 5, was planning weekends away by date 6, was talking about babies and loved me more than anyone he'd ever known before by date 7...then dumped me and cut me dead, as if I'd never existed...I don't know how to trust.

I feel very vulnerable now. Blondegeeky hasn't texted back and I never double message usually!

dontcallmehon22 · 23/08/2014 11:50

Realistically, sending a 'hey I'm free Monday actually if you still are?' isn't going to put him off. But I'll just wait now, hopefully he'll reply. My insecurities mean I'm either cold or desperate! But I'll never let a man hurt me like geeky dis again.

lottieandmia · 23/08/2014 11:57

Gosh, that's awful Dontcallme - how cruel to just cut someone off. Well no wonder you're feeling vulnerable.

UrsulaBuffay · 23/08/2014 12:07

You can overthink this stuff, I know it's hard to put yourself in a vulnerable place but you could also miss out on someone great who ends up feeling unimportant to you or played.

UrsulaBuffay · 23/08/2014 12:08

But I'm on the other end of the spectrum- have been known to text someone hey fancy meeting up I'm free Monday Tuesday Friday Saturday Sunday - the shame!!

dontcallmehon22 · 23/08/2014 12:11

I know. It took me five months to get over it. I almost don't want to carry on this thing with blondegeeky now, because I can't stand it.

Two weeks after we got back from Paris, where we'd had a romantic weekend, he dumped me by text. He then agreed to think about it and reassess in a month. Then just ignored me. When I asked him if we were still meeting, he just said 'no. We don't work.' He did agree to meeting for sex, once at my house. Then he said that could continue, but only in hotels as he wasn't comfortable at my house.

I said 'no, I'm not a prostitute.' It got a bit nasty. He blocked me on all social networks, hid his public FB page, blocked my number and I never saw or heard from him again.

I spent months sobbing. I could barely get out of bed. It was horrific. Absolutely horrific. I've had a lot of counselling and I'm doing ok. I value myself now. But I'm absolutely fucking terrified of getting into a relationship again. Even though that's what I really want.

lottieandmia · 23/08/2014 12:16

Oh my goodness, you poor thing. Have a hug from me xx I really think it's quite understandable that you are feeling this way now about anything new.

UrsulaBuffay · 23/08/2014 12:18

Don't I've had a similar horrible horrible experience, I'll tell you about sometime as I'm very ashamed, and it is probably what I'm still not over. The fact that someone can be that nasty to you makes you feel somehow responsible and very guarded and afraid for the future. For me it is very confusing that someone can find you at once sexually attractive and also seem to despise you. Which is why I don't think the casual sex is helping me- I wind up thinking they probably despise me too.

lottieandmia · 23/08/2014 12:18

See, this is why online dating bothers me. There are so many people on there who have serious issues that we know nothing about and that's why these things can happen as they have to you don't - what that man did to you was his problem and nothing to do with you. I'm sure you already know that. But it doesn't inspire confidence in others does it?

UrsulaBuffay · 23/08/2014 12:20

It's abusive behaviour essentially and what we've got to remember is it wasn't us, it was them. And take time to trust the next people I suppose, I'm very very wary of anyone spending too much time texting and persuading me now. Which is probably why I feel more comfortable with these non contact boys.

UrsulaBuffay · 23/08/2014 12:21

It is very difficult lottie not to tar them all with the same brush. I think there are quite a lot of abusive people men and women attracted to OD because it's so easy to pick people up to manipulate.

lottieandmia · 23/08/2014 12:25

Exactly, Ursula. All the people I have met so far have a lot of baggage.

dontcallmehon22 · 23/08/2014 12:34

Aw he said 'I'd love to see you on Monday.'

dontcallmehon22 · 23/08/2014 12:35

Maybe he is a good guy? And thank you all for being so so lovely. Ursula I'm sorry you had to suffer a similar experience.

UrsulaBuffay · 23/08/2014 12:38

Of old I find being ignored and 'cut out' the most frustrating hurtful thing, it sends me nuts. So I think it's easier for me to keep my distance then I can't tell the difference if they pull away. Rejection is the worst. Dating is such a risk & I didn't appreciate how not ready for it I was last year, just thought it was something to keep me occupied.

UrsulaBuffay · 23/08/2014 12:44

There is always the chance they're a good guy- innocent until proven guilty! Actions, not words.

FolkGirl · 23/08/2014 12:48

I think there are quite a lot of abusive people men and women attracted to OD because it's so easy to pick people up to manipulate.

Or people who aren't abusive intentionally, but who end up being so because they are damaged themselves and end up just being so.

I'm worried about being emotionally abusive because of how I feel about myself. That's part of the issue I have. I don't think I am, and I deliberately don't do things that I know are EA, but I still worry about it.

And the more contact I have with other people (men) the more I worry about it.

That and having shit boundaries.

UrsulaBuffay · 23/08/2014 12:52

Yes Folk I have to admit I've hurt some people in my time OD because I just wasn't strong enough to say hey I'm sorry I'm just not feeling it and just cut them out Confused I feel terribly guilty for some of my behaviour tbh

Thewaterinmajorca · 23/08/2014 12:53

Ok, I'm very new to this online dating. But there's some things I just don't get. Why do men like your profile, message you and then go quiet when you message back? It's happened twice to me in a couple of days and I swear I didn't say anything that could have offended them or put them off! Both messages I sent back were just brief chatty ones along the lines of 'I've been up to this and this, how's your day/weekend going?' I've seen very few men I've been attracted to(it's slim pickings out there when you are in your late 30s) and I really liked the look of one of these men so I'm a bit disappointed that nothing came of it. I only decided to try OD as a bit of fun and distraction but I think I've only seen 2 men that I'm attracted to that are ok with women having kids and don't want someone in their 20s so it's depressing me a bit to be honest.

FolkGirl · 23/08/2014 13:05

ursula

Yes, I did that Sad

And, on reflection, I've probably hurt people because I didn't think I had the capacity to hurt them so it didn't really matter what I did. Sad

BeforeAndAfter · 23/08/2014 13:05

I really don't think OD blokes are better or worse than the ones you meet in RL once you've sifted out the tossers. I left XH mid-2011 and since then I've dated about 15 or so blokes, some just for an hour or so over coffee! Three were RL meets. One I met in RL doing something we loved - lasted nearly a year. He would never do OD. I moved in - turns out he had baggage galore which was not compatible with my baggage galore. I left him.

Another RL one (met at a dating drinks evening that guaranteed equal numbers of men and women) lasted about 3 months. He was clingy and needy beyond belief. I dumped him (very nicely) and we parted with him sobbing his heart out... I was just relieved as I walked away knowing that that sense of suffocation had lifted.

Another one I met the 'old fashioned way' at a club. We dated a few weeks then he turned up at my place two hours late claiming to have lost his phone Hmm We arranged to meet the next day but he never showed up and obviously couldn't contact me because of the lost phone story even though he'd taken my number on a bit of paper. Miraculously he was able to text me several months later - presumably because he felt horny. He got short shrift by text.

The men were all mid-40s plus and divorced. It's a baggage thing to my mind. A freshly separated 40-something male likely wants to play the field, just like I did, irrespective of how you meet. Your twat radar needs to be working just as well for RL encounters as for OD encounters; the only difference is that with OD you have sooo many unsuitables to sift through that it can be draining which is where some of the advice on this thread helps. I guess my point is that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the RL side of the dating fence.