Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Also what does KD stand for?

It's never easy WIU, wobbles are to be expected. I'm 6 months separated and he's climbing the walls trying to find a way to get me back. It's difficult because you see the glimpses of the man you fell for, and you want it to be workable..but it isn't.

Oh, KD stands for Kid's Dad

over a year separated here, still have some wobbles. KD made an almighty push just last week for a reconciliation which I had to be quite blunt (and still didn't manage to get the message through to him at the time) that it Was. Not. Happening.

Thankfully he's seen the light now and up to some other mischief.

I am regularly appalled at his lack of concern for how his actions affect everyone around him.

the latest -

ex's tactic now is acting "reasonable". left me a voicemail, can still get them apparently though hes blocked, all polite and requesting i return any things of his via my mum

argh.

texting my mum as he cant text me

and apparently putting wanky poetry on fb, with a heavy dose of blaming me. i haven't seen it, but i asked the friend who told me to screenshot it so i can look when i'm ready.

he's nearly 40 ffs. it'd almost be funny if i wasnt so

sadie has he been told not to harass you? because texting your mum in lieu of texting you can still land him in hot water with the police, as can leaving you a voicemail. Ring the police and tell them about this - they will warn him off.

Ignore FB. Trust me on this one. My KD put some vile vile stuff on FB about me, and I had people contacting me to tell me about it and I had to stay "look, we're not together any more. I don't want to KNOW what he's posting. It's irrelevant. Unless he's making direct threats to harm me in some way (in which case you can notify the police), it just doesn't matter." Those who know you will know better, and those who don't know you - well, who cares what they think?

My KD is 49, so believe me when I say maturity often is not there no matter what age!

And do NOT be fooled by the reasonable act... it often is their way of throwing you off balance or lulling you into a false sense of security in order to get you alone and then you are in a very dangerous position.

And tell your mum she can ring police as well about him harassing her.

the sick part is all i really want right now is his shoulder to cry on.

and i think he created that. isolated me from friends/family, ended my friendships

was always there, of course, to comfort me, even when it was him doing the hurting

whenever i had a crisis, i turned to him. as my partner. and he could be great at that. to the point, of course, where are relationship seemed best if i was unhappy - he got off on that rescuer thing, i think. was kind and lovely when i was going through a difficult time, as long as it was something he could be the good guy in.

but it worked. i just want to be held in his arms right now. want to hear his voice. want him to comfort me. it's fucking sick.

It is dreadful sometimes. But this is where you will find your inner strength. Every day it will get a little bit better, honestly. I am so so much better out of it - I recognise that even now he can mess with my head, but I feel much stronger now and I know that I do not need him. It takes time, but you'll get there. Do not allow him to bully you though. (and yes, I know it is so much easier said than done!!)

police think i should file a restraining order. i dont really want to attempt the courts again as it went so badly last time, and at least this time i am completely away from him, he doesnt know where i am and wont. they've told me to ring if i see him, if he leaves any threats, etc.

its complicated with my mum, as they actually have a business relationship. she can't cut him out. she also just doesn't get his patterns. he texted her to please bring him X and Y off me. i told her to tell him straigth away not to contact her regarding anything but the business. she said she would, but instead replied 'ok', thinking, of course, that his request was reasonable. and he's using that as 'ah, see, sadie's mum is on my side'. a line he used many a time, 'sadie, your mum agrees your behavior is unreasonable, she's said this to me...' of course, she doesn't. but he'll take anything and use it in an attempt to manipulate me.

so the next day he's calling me asking for Z and texting her asking for Z in addition to X and Y. and she finally gets that oh, yes, it's not about XYZ, it's about control and keeping this going. finally tells him not to contact her other than the business and he kept going, 'oh, i just thought as you agreed about X and Y you coudl help with Z'. ugh!

Yes I think you should file a restraining order. First of all, it shows you're willing to follow police advice and want this problem resolved. It's a good paper tool for the police to use. It allows them to arrest him every time he violates it, it builds up a case history and will help you in court. And it also means that he cannot contact you through a third party (generally) and this means that if he contacts your mum in a harassing manner or regarding you, that he can get in trouble too.

The thing your mum needs to understand is that it is NOT her right to decide if his requests regarding you are reasonable. A restraining order will sort that right out. Any texts from him that are not business related can go straight to the police.

Just a general question -

do you still feel in love with these men? did you when it ended? did it ever fade, or does it come and go in waves?

I think i am really very heartbroken. But I feel like i shouldnt be, because he was abusive, like i shouldn't love him or should be able to just not love him. but i love him so dearly and i'm heartbroken, and i feel physically sick, like i could vomit, and my body aches.

Comes and goes in waves for quite awhile. I miss the relationship we USED to have, when we first were together. But I recognise that what we had when we separated was dramatically different and in no way healthy or safe.

You can't just shut the love off, I know. It takes a long time for that to fade somewhat. And you will feel heartbroken. I did - I couldn't understand how someone could claim to love me (and the dcs) and still treat us so poorly.

Unfortunately, how we feel about the abuser is how they keep up hooked. The love you feel is simply a tool they use to keep you pulled in and compliant. The way you're feeling right now is normal in what is a very awkward and stressful situation. It will get better, honestly. As the "spaghetti head" clears, you will gain confidence and start to see him as he really is, and that will help immensely.

keep US hooked, not "up".

can you explain what you mean by spaghetti head?

that's such a big part of it - i loved this person. they claimed to love me. they treated me like shit. treated me in ways i wouldnt treat my worst enemy. logically, they never loved me, because you just cant do that to someone you love or have loved. and that hurts like hell.

sadie I don't think I will ever not love him. That's how he got away with so much for so long. Sad but true. I'm 6 months separated and he's dying for a reconcilliation. Just can't let that happen.

"spaghetti head" is a term we often use on here. It's like when you're subjected to their behaviour and you just are focused on getting through it - you're not thinking about "this is wrong" or "how dare he treat me like that?" but just muddling through to survive. The fog in your brain because he's messing with your head.

prime example. My KD did a massive push for a reconciliation just over a week ago, after I'd spent the day with him (contact visit for the dcs). He spent the whole day working on my head - good behaviour, taking care to point out his good behaviour, saying the things he thought I wanted to hear, lying to me (on numerous points), basically trying to be the "nice guy" he was when we were first together. I was confused, struggling to reorient, and broke a few of my own rules because I had "spaghetti head." I let him into my house (one rule broken), I discussed our relationship (another rule broken). I did tell him I wasn't interested in a reconciliation, but that insidious whispering in my brain was already at work - why not? maybe he could fix his behaviour? maybe he's not so bad? maybe he's realised what a prat he was....

It took a day or two (and some blunt reassurance from the people on here - thank you to everyone!!) but once the fog cleared, I sat down and totted up the situation. He lied - about numerous very important things. He was using me - he is tired of living with his mum and just wanted to go back to the life that meant he had his "status" back. When I examined his behaviour back at my house, he was slowly reverting back to his "abusive" line of discussion - ignoring the dcs, questioning me, and so on. His mask slipped a bit when I told him that SS was well aware of his behaviour as it had been reported to them. He was NOT happy about that, as it threw a definite wrench in his "reconciliation" idea.

A week later and he has said he doesn't want to reconcile after all, and he is going away for a few weeks and may miss some contact visits with the dcs. He is right back to "me me me" and ignoring the dcs. He only paid them attention in an effort to win me back onside.

It's helpful to know it's ok to feel this way, even to hear that it might not go away. i notice i seem to be analysing every emotion im having this way. like a little aibu for my feelings - AIBU to love him deeply even after the way he treated me? no, YANBU, sadie.

Curt and Alice both, you seem miles from where I am now, i keep reminding myself that you haven't been separated from your KD's for years already. Six months, even a year, seems so short a time, yet immensely far from where i am now.

Ah, thank you, that makes a lot of sense.

Sadie I do feel stronger now than I did when we first separated. I was a bundle of nerves and sadness and upset. But that situation I mentioned just above?? That was LAST WEEK!! It takes a long time to get past a lot of this, especially because when you leave, it still continues for awhile. Getting out is really only the first step in breaking the relationship sometimes. And of course, we have children, so he has ongoing opportunity to mess with my head.

Don't feel badly that your emotions are all over the place. It takes time. I made arrangements for counselling (through a local charity, so I'm only paying £5 per session) to help me work through it and have a place to vent safely without judgement. It's something I do recommend to people to at least consider, as I know how much it has helped me.

It will get better eventually, little by little. The conditioning in the relationship didn't happen overnight, it took ages - this will too. And no YANBU.

sadie I was a complete mess in january when I finally moved out with out DC. Guilty for breaking up the family, guilty for taking DC away from their dad, guilty because I knew he'd mess up financially (and he did..big style!), and very, very sad that I had 'lost' my husband who (despite everything he put me through), will always be the absolute love of my life. And then I felt guilty for feeling like that! How could I still be in love with him?! It hasn't gone away, but I do deal with it better.

This weekend there was no contact visit as I've had 3 very poorly toddlers, sky high temps, ambulance up to a&e, very little sleep. I thought at one point, around 3am this morning, when I finally went to bed, how it's so much easier managing on my own. Without worrying about disturbing KD, having him grumping about because DC being ill spoiled his plans or whatever. Instead I had all 3 little people in bed with me where I could keep an eye on their temps etc, and thankfully today they're all over the worst.

KD has, to his credit, called and text quite a bit over the weekend to see how they are, but despite living only two mins up the street, he hasn't visited. Which I find I'm really not bothered about. He has sent me this text this afternoon.
'Give me 6 months curt, I will show you I'm different. I don't expect anything from you, only to acknowledge a difference in me if you see it. In 6 months I will ask you for another chance to be your husband, the one you deserve. It's up to you if you decide that's what you want.'

I'm too tired to respond.

That should read with our DC, not with out DC!!!!!

Curt so glad your little ones are feeling better. Sounds like an exhausting weekend!! Interesting to note that even when he knows you're exhausted and have other concerns, he still has to push the boundaries.

Curt this is what KD sent me last week....

"Ok cards on the table I still love you and I'm quitting fags and taking whatever help I need to win you back no matter how long it takes"

and "I'm going to do it for the boys me and you I want to be the person you fell in love with again don't worry am going to concentrate on being good dad and better person will work on winning your trust back as things move along won't pressure you wouldn't do that need to make things right and I know that won't happen overnight"

this week he's decided (thank goodness) that he's not interested in a reconciliation. He lost interest pretty quickly.

alice thanks, they've certainly started to bounce back at last but all left with nasty coughs bless em. And yes, it was a shocker of a weekend and he still couldn't resist making sure he got some attention .

Strange how your KD went in all gung ho! about a reconciliation then backtracked so swiftly. Any ideas (OW again, perhaps?) or are you just so relieved he's given in you haven't given it much headspace?

I didn't respond to KD's text so he sent 'it's ok, you don't need to say anything, just watch this space...' [sceptical].

don't you see a similarity between our KD's messages?? both have to draw attention to how they're going to change...they want praise for even saying they're going to try...