Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

[BluebellTuesday]

Thanks, Alice, yes, I am working on reclaiming the space. The bed has gone and have a new one, which I bought because I like it, new units and cleared out, but I still can't sleep there. I am slowly painting the rest of the house, so will get to my room, it is just time as I also work full-time and have the DC 95% of the remaining time.

I am making progress, but it is slow. I think I will have to do some kind of woo cleansing ceremony. I have largely stopped feeling/seeing him in other parts of the house, it is just there, I have intrusive thoughts. It will get better in time, I hope.

[WeighingItUp]

Hi,

Just marking my place right now. I'm contemplating leaving my husband, and a lot of the posts here resonate (sp?) with me :( Been at this point a few times before, but I always loose strength and resolve. I'll post more when I'm able.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

WeighingItUp welcome.

[WeighingItUp]

Thank you Alice

I have to say that the thread about the day when the older kids and friends came over, and the atmosphere which was created - I can see this being me with our daughters if I stay in a few years. Already the atmosphere when we have guests are visit people is painfully tense :(

[WeighingItUp]

Wish I had support in real life and someone I could tell

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

So sorry you don't have RL support. Feel free to vent here or talk about any of it that you feel comfortable with.

[Bizkit]

Thanks curt, you were lucky! I suppose it's word of mouth aswell.

I feel an argument brewing here, it's horrible just knowing a big row is inevitable every few weeks.

[maybesadie]

i did it.

i talked to police

im in a safe place now

feeling sorry for myself, that i have to go through this. but not sorry im out.

[maybesadie]

i was tired of the fear.

there was a point when i was walking with him and the cars were zooming by that i started fantasising about stepping in front of one. Not that I want to die or hurt myself whatsoever, but i wanted to be away from him that badly. for it to end. stepping into traffic seemed better than another minute with him.

i kept imaging what mn would say if i started a thread about how unhappy i was, how afraid i am with him.

i think im happy but i dont know how to get through the day.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

sadie you're out? I know you may not think so right now, but this is a good thing!! (and a much much better option than stepping into traffic!!)

It will take some adjustment, but little by little the spaghetti head will clear and you will feel the weight drop away from your shoulders. I think freedom can sometimes seem a bit scary. There's a reason people say "the devil you know...." because even though it was awful with him, the unknown can seem even more scary. But it really really isn't! Your confidence will come back and you will eventually wonder why you didn't do it sooner. (and that is NOT to judge you in any way, I've just noticed that we all say it sooner or later here)

So pleased that you're safe! It took courage to speak to the police - well done!!

[CharlotteCollins]

Strong lady, Sadie!

(I hate the word lady used for women usually, but had to use it cos of the rhyme! :o)

Well done, you. I knew that desperation to be away from him - in my case I used to hope he would have an accident while travelling for work. I hated feeling like that and felt really guilty, but I don't wish him harm any more. I'm mostly indifferent to him these days. It was just wanting an escape, like you say.

Enjoy your place of safety.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Interesting development. KD has now advised me that he agrees with me that we should not be together again. (quite a 180 from telling me he would win me back no matter how long it takes) I am thankful that he has dropped the idea of getting back together, however, I have found that good news with him always seems to be followed by disaster. He did state he would be away for a couple weeks and it may affect his contact visits. I can only imagine. Last time he said that, he moved away for months and deserted the dcs.

Does this rollercoaster nonsense ever end?? Why can't he just get a job and be a normal person? Why??

[maybesadie]

emotions keep swinging around.

mostly i feel fine. i wish i could describe it, not happy, not yet relieved, but i do feel good that its all over

i feel cheated out of a few years of my life. sad especially that i have to start from square one, having wanted a marriage and family - but that would have been a nightmare with him, and i know it.

my experience with police in the past has been bad, but the officers tonight were fab. one a bit harsh, i think he thought i needed some sense, but hes probably right. he kept repeating our ages (big gap) along the lines of "right, hes X, and youre Y, theres obviously something wrong with him, and you mustnt go back."

and there was an amazingly kind stranger, who witnessed it, she spoke like she had training in DV, she sat with me and rubbed my back and hugged me, asked me questions, made sure i had a safety plan, asked about his abuse, stayed with me through all the aftermath and until i was able to leave.

it helped me be sure, too. so many in my life havent understood it. sometimes its hard to believe. sometimes i'd worry that i read too much on mumsnet, that it was warping my perception, that his behaviors were not as bad as i blieved. but strangers recognised it, in the real world, and urged me to leave

i keep bawling. i'm not sad its over, but i'm sad. i wish i didnt have thoughts of him and how hes doing. i wish it could end like a normal, adult, relationship, two people coming to the conclusion it isnt working, not with dramatic explosiveness and having to hide. i believe in ending things on good notes. that's something that always hits me - the desire to just have a normal break-up. be able to chat politely, have a vague idea of how the other is doing. in the past, hes always been full on, if we broke up, he was either harassing me, sweetness and please forgive me, or saying we could never talk again ever and i would never know what became of him. that's not normal, right? breaking up with someone you cared deeply about, no matter how angry you are, you want them to be ok too, you cant shut off the part that cared for another being so long, right? he's wished me dead. it's just words, but something i would never do - no matter how horribly he treated me i would never wish him dead, (i did somtimes had the same thought of him just not returning from work, but i think it's a different thing to imagine that escape than truly wish them dead after) and i still care about him as a person, i want him living - yet i do believe he wants me dead.

im just rambling on and probably will a lot here. what i keep coming back to, what im truly sad about, is the unfairness of it all. which sounds horribly immature, such is life and all, but i just feel cheated out of so much, ive been treated as no one should be, i do think i deserve better and its unfair these things happened, it makes me sad and angry and disappointed with myself and all sorts

and thank you all. im sure i cant say it enough. these threads and all of mumsnet have given me courage. and i value so much the responses to my posts and reading others' experiences.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

How lovely that a stranger stepped up and was there for you. So glad she was there for you. It's normal to grieve for the relationship, to grieve for the future you hoped to have. Allow yourself to be sad, but then push yourself to be positive and see the benefits of this development. Ending things on a good note relies on both people being mature adults. He is obviously not this, and you cannot control how he reacts. It might be ugly, but that is his issue, not yours. Just make sure you do not go meet him somewhere to discuss it all, in an effort to end it on a good note. This is a dangerous time, and you need to stay safe.

[CharlotteCollins]

It's so true about the sadness of the end of the relationship. How many of us have lingered when we should've walked away not looking back, because we wanted to let them have closure, we felt we should explain - and there they were still not understanding.

It's just so hard to believe that someone will repeatedly take advantage of your humanity. Very sad.

[WeighingItUp]

Hay, just popping in while I have a few mins. Today H suggested we go out to the beach for a day out, and we had a really nice time. I was pleasantly surprised that he was engaging and playing with our eldest DD (3.5). On the way home he got talking about the future, I mention something about not wanting to wait forever to get a pet dog (I've wanted one for our entire relationship - he's always said later, later, later etc) he then says he's happy to consider it next year. I am more responsive round him today that I have been lately as he's been nicer probably - however he then goes on to say he's been feeling like I'm planning on leaving him or having and affair etc, so it's obvious why this week he's been all sweetness and making an effort. It'll stop now, I know it. Also when we were going out he again proved that he actually doesn't think about me, how to help etc or even be an equel partner. He walked round the car to the drivers side and just gets in while I was getting our eldest DD in, completly walks past our other DD in her car seat outside the passenger driver side door, doesn't get her in, just leaves it for me...

Sorry for the rant. I keep finding myself thinking today that maybe I should stay, maybe things are ok etc, then I remind myself that while he may be on good form with the kids, offering me the future things I want, his behaviour and general attitude to life are not what I want. So hard to stay strong and convicted at times.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

WIU are you documenting his behaviour? Maybe a password protected online journal? It will allow you to go back and reread previous behaviour to remind yourself. It's always more difficult to think about leaving when they're in the "nice" phase. Do you think it's kind of telling that he says that about the dog, right around the same time as he asks about you leaving him or having an affair??

[WeighingItUp]

I have thought about doing that, however by the time I get chance to record it I have forgotten 50% of it (I have an awful memory, probably from some head injury I suffered in a car crash).

Yes I think it is very telling that he has brought it up when he feels he is 'loosing me', just like with the nice behaviour, talking of moving to a bigger house, better jobs etc... It's always 'in the future it'll be better' etc

[CharlotteCollins]

I have an awful memory, too, WIU. When I first turned up here, I knew that what people were posting sounded familiar and I knew that I wanted to believe that I belonged here. More than that, I couldn't remember any specific incident. I got so good at sweeping it under the carpet.

It's ok to make plans to leave while he's being nice. It's also ok while he's saying, "I think you're making plans to leave"! I left mainly on a feeling. I'm so glad I did. Clarity comes after you leave (and even then it comes and goes!).

[maybesadie]

i woke up from a dream about him, and it's made me go all wobbly

tell me it's ok to miss them sometimes?

i blocked him from contacting me, on police advice. it's what i wanted, as well. but i keep checking my phone like i could possibly have something from him.

i dont want to go back, but i want everything to be normal. i wish thats something i could have.

[maybesadie]

exhibit A about clarity coming and going!

i had a joyous moment today too - getting dressed to go out, and realizing that i could wear anything i want, without risking a snide comment or a full on kicking off (calling me a whore for anything low-cut, etc.) it was my happiest moment since it's happened.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

With KD's comment the other day that from now on he will be more open and honest with me, I'm pretty sure he's lying. lol There's a shock, eh? I have my suspicions but tbh I rather suspect as I refused to reconcile with him, I think he's now decided to go after OW again. I'm not fussed, but I have to wonder about his mental stability here. And I'm concerned about his willingness to drop the dcs again. He's stated he may be away for a few weeks and that it may affect his contact with the dcs. If he abandons them again, I will seriously consider cutting contact.

I did tell him last week that SS was aware of his behaviour towards the boys. He was not happy about it, and I was very clear at the time that not only was I not interested in getting back together, but SS would have an opinion on it as well. He was REALLY displeased with that. I suspect that while he felt he could win me around, that winning around SS might be a harder sell.

[maybesadie]

another thing i'm having a hard time with now -

my mum mentioned something, i was having a wobble to her and asking if i did the right thing - she said yes of course, but then she said something about how i did want to end it, i wanted it to end

i ended it and it was the right thign to do, i know what he was, i know i wasn't happy, i know it was the best thing, i'd been living in fear. but i didn't want to end it, what i wanted was to have a normal healthy relationship with him, for him to be all the time the lovely DP he coudl be in those times he chose to nice. i don't want to be single, without my partner, i don't even want to be without him, but i want him to be a normal healthy bloke, not an abuser. as hes the latter, i cant be with him. but i do want to be. im such a mess. i think i'm angry and grieving the relationship i wished i had more than anything. or the one i seemed to have, at times. i've never been happier or more in love at any time of my life than in the brief good times we had. i'm afraid of never having that again

i should probably start my own thread, i feel like i'm talking about myself too much, but im afraid of him finding my posts if it's out in the open on a new thread.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

don't feel bad about posting on here. We all do, that's the nature of a support thread, the ebb and flow of it.

You did the right thing, but it doesn't mean you're not going to be sad about it. I absolutely knew I was making the right choice in separating from my KD, however, I was still sad about the whole situation. All those "if only" thoughts... if only he'd been a decent man, if only he wasn't abusive, if only he was willing to actually change (he talked a good game, but had no intention of changing)... it's perfectly normal to wobble back and forth for a while.

The thing I use to remind myself is to think "how would I feel if I went back to him, when he started the abuse again?" That sick, scared, stressful feeling that floods back in is a stark reminder of why I left.

[WeighingItUp]

I hate the wobbels, it makes it so much harder. H is being on his best behaviour at the moment, and I am feeling so suffocated by it...I just want to be left alone by him... you'd think that'd make me realise I want to end it, instead of feeling torn in two. H is going away over night for business for the first time in October, so I am hoping that will help clarify things for me, and then to go from there. I remember about 4 1/2 years ago when we were both at uni. I came down to stay with my mum for Easter while H stayed at uni to finish his dissertation. The whole week I was down with family, I didn't miss him. He on the other hand would ring me and then start a fight, made sure I was aware how badly he was coping, how he couldn't manage without me etc. A part of me didn't want to go back.

I've been with him since I was 16. He was my first ever relationship and all I've ever known really... perhaps that is partly why I am finding making a decision so hard as well... I've never actually been through a break up.