Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

whenever KD told me "you don't have to say anything..>" it almost always meant he expected me to say something... usually something positive about his motives and such...

[CurtWild]

alice ..absolutely! KD wants a pat on the back for even having the idea of changing. Even though they say they don't want or expect us to do something, you only have to look at the wording of their messages to see we sure as hell have something expected of us.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

and it's the same thing as when we were together... he'd make it this big grand gesture. "I know I've been awful and I feel so bad about it, I'm going to make it right, just you wait and see...." uh huh.

[CurtWild]

Ah 'the grand gesture'..KD was fond of those. And if I didn't respond in a way he thought was befitting of it's grandness, he withdrew it. For example: He'd tell me we were going for a meal for him to apologise for xyz. I'd say oh wow, that's lovely, thank you etc. Once I was actually almost ready to go, all dolled up for a change, parents waiting for DC to be dropped off..and he'd still on his laptop. I asked if he was going to get ready as we werr setting off anytime and he said casual as you like 'oh I cancelled the table hours ago, I thought I'd get more than just a 'that's lovely, thanks, for my efforts'.

It's reminding myself of those instances that steels my conviction that I was 100% right to leave and 100% right to expect he still has it in him to be that cruel again.

Gah that brought a lump to my throat.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Sorry. It's staggering how alike they all are, isn't it. The parallels are unbelievable. I'm convinced that KD withdrew from the reconciliation because I didn't show appropriate levels of enthusiasm (could be my comment that it wasn't going to happen ). It's either that or he's now going after the OW, offering a reconciliation to her. He seems desperate to be back in a relationship, and quite frankly I don't think he cares with who. Which is weird when he sent me that message saying he still loved me (I assume that's why he got engaged to that other woman lol).

[WeighingItUp]

Just popping in as H is on his way home from work. I just wanted to ask, how did you find the strength and convictions to leave when you still love(d) your partners/husbands? Everything I am reading on this thread I am nodding along and going 'yup, H does that' etc, but I have no idea how to make the push and leave. I feel I just keep going round in circles in my mind.

The whole big gestures, promising the world, that he'll change, we'll try harder is so familiar to me :( promising he understands why I feel the way I do, how he'll do anything to show me, just wait for X, Y and Z...it'll be better.

Also the drawing attention to any little thing he does, like I should be so grateful. He did our youngest's bottles one morning and goes to me "I'm doing the bottles to help you out" I asked him what he meant, that he should be responsible for them to and he replies that he was just trying to be nice and that I'm in 'one of those' moods again.

Another example is today I went round my mum's for a quick visit. Our youngest got a small scratch on her nose as I was (Stupidly) changing her on the floor and my eldest blew bubbles for the dog to catch...right over our youngest. My mum says that "luckily it looks like a minor scratch, otherwise your (my) husband won;t 'let' me round again". I also stress the whole of the afternoon wondering how I can minimise the shit storm. Luckily he's late home, so she's already in bed...

I hate to admit it, but him saying we can get a dog in a year has got my mind realing back in to him. I've been thinking maybe I'm over reacting. He's working 2 jobs to support us and to build up some money for me returning to uni. However it's probably because it gives him an excuse to excuse himself from family life all weekend. I have been thinking that maybe he's started to listen to my point of view, care about my feelings etc

I feel like I am going insane, just going round in circles of deciding to leave, thinking maybe I should give it another chance, wondering how he would be without me. I find myself wishing he would have an affair, or hit me again so that I have a reason to leave.

Anyway gotta go for the moment. Think I've heard H pull up.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Or maybe he thinks you're getting ready to leave him, and he realises it will be much more difficult for you to leave with a dog.

[WeighingItUp]

I think he is at the stage in the cycle where he promises me the earth tbh to try and real me back in, but my stupid heart still falls for it because I remember the man he used to be, how we used to be :(

Do you know another ridiculous thing... I've got myself cheese and frenchstick for dinner as a treat (done the weekly shop). I am lactose intolerant, and have had problems from eating cheese in the past, but sometimes I think sod it! Well I am dreading the drama which will play out when we have dinner, so much so I am debating not eating it for dinner as I know he will go on and on and on about it.

[CurtWild]

See, you're questioning yourself wiu because you know what his reaction will be to your food choice. He shouldn't have more than a passing 'ooh that might not agree with you' but you say he'll go on and on. Does that strike you as 'normal'?

For me, the leaving had to become a very real thing when he started verbally abusing me in front of our very small DC, who were terrified of his rages, slamming doors to purposefully wake them with the satisfaction of knowing I'd get little sleep as I'd have to BF and settle them again. I couldn't let them grow up thinking that was ok, and I couldn't let their memories of childhood be filled with imagesof their dad screaming 'mummy's an effing bitch' in my face. Amongst other atrocious things.


It was my duty and responsibility as a mummy that overruled my status as a wife that finally made me say no more ..and I gathered up my DC and very little else, and left.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Yes, for me it was the dcs as well. Protecting them, as he was verbally and already had been physically abusive. The moment that happened, I was planning to leave. It was just getting up the nerve and the right timing (and getting everything organised). But once the physical abuse happened (to our 3yo), I knew I HAD to leave. Looking back, I admit that I should have left sooner. The verbal abuse was already damaging them, was already making them afraid - but it took the physical abuse to shake me fully awake I think. I was horrified - not only by what he'd done but by the fact that he was not remorseful at ALL by it. That scared me senseless.

[CurtWild]

He also got very destructive and aggressive towards the back end of last year, smashing things up in front of our DC. One destructive act in particular involved DD1's stroller when we were out. She still remembers that, and will occasionally talk about it and ask why daddy did that to her stroller. Thank god she wasn't in it. If I could've left at that moment, I would have. That was the day I realised the enormity of damage he could do to our DC (emotionally and mentally), if we stayed much longer.

[CurtWild]

And a resounding yes to the lack of remorse. Chilling.

[maybesadie]

Little slap needed - realized if I unblock him i can view the texts sent when he was blocked. hes been restrained, just sent a few. all oh so reasonable, asking questions like hes trying to understand the split. I KNOW theyre designed to make me engage, but of course, it works! i want to! i won't, but the urge is there. before him, i had nice, healthy relationships. when they ended, exes and i had been able to discuss them and remain friends. it's just part of how shitty an EA relationship is. it also helps to know that while he's being nice, polite, and reasonable in texts, he's going around slating me on fb. obviously youre a two faced bastard and not really interested in the problems in our relationship.

it helps to recognize his pattern, as well. his last texts were about why i talked about wanting to marry him if i was unhappy. um, because i did, even though i was - for a long time i wanted to marry him, and all i hoped for was an engagement and to be married and things to be better and happier. i had that hope to the end. but i know his pattern now, and if i say that, he'll tell me how he was going to propose, oh, this weekend, and then i broke up with him. twice hes done this, told me i'd just missed a proposal, and now obviously that couldnt happen now even if we got back together, at least not until things were "better" and he "trusted me". no matter that none of these proposals ever came during the happy times, that he never bought a ring (you know, he was going to buy it the next day, and propose the same evening, but I broke up with him first.) or that many times at great times i'd asked him to elope. no, no sadie, we couldn't, your mum would be so upset ("no she wouldnt") and my mum would be so upset, we cant do that to them. no, no, we cant just have a tiny wedding with our parents in attendance, a big wedding is important to me, and right now is just a bad time to get married, we need to do X and Y first...

the proposal thing was a control thing the whole time, but i did fall for it a few times.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

sadie my KD is the same way - insists to me that he's never felt ill will towards me, but I've SEEN the dreadful things he said about me on FB. When I confronted him, he initially denied it, then said he couldn't remember putting that. Bollocks.

On a separate note... anyone ever get this gut feeling that you shouldn't do something? Hit me really really hard this evening... re contact this week.

[WeighingItUp]

I've had the awful gut feeling before Alice, I try to listen to it, as nearly always its right.

My H has been on top form tonight. He's been wanting to cuddled which he never does normally, and has been all upset that I don't. Also apparently I've been so down lately that all the 'fun' has gone from me...Que the.suffocating affection. It's funny how when I still cared about the relationship, gave a damn and his actions and lack of affection still hurt me he didn't want to change anything. Yet now when I'm distant and apathetic all if a sudden he's Mr caring. He does this every time I distant myself and the.spaghetti head starts clearing.

He told me today when he got home that he has a tight deadline at work to fix.a problem and that it means he may have to work late all this week, and you know what I felt....relief that I will have a few peaceful bedtimes with our daughters and evenings. I'm actually hoping he will be working late, and will be quite disappointed if he doesn't. That is so fucked up... god I wish I was in a relationship where we mutually love being round each other. I'm stopping myself from ever finding a proper loving partner while I stay aren't I?

Another thing that's been in my mind today is my wedding/engagement rings. I took then off during my pregnancy due to swelling, and 3 months now after having our DD I can't bring myself to put them back on, they feel weird and wrong and make me feel uncomfortable... on top of that I've been wearing them only round him and his family (as they actually ask where my rings are ) for the last couple of years because of these feelings.

[WeighingItUp]

Sorry for the awful grammar and spelling. I'm on my phone while doing a night feed. something H has never done .. help he's never even fed it changed a nappy or got her dressed or bathed our youngest

[WeighingItUp]

hell not help!

and 'or changed a nappy', not it

[maybesadie]

i can't keep it together. i care so much, and love him so much. i hate what he's done to me. all i wish is for him to be a normal, non-abusive person. us to have the stupid nice life we planned.

but the man I love isnt even real. just a construct of this man that did this to me, and i dont think ever loved me.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Feeling ill today. Stomach not holding food down. I don't know if it's stress or a bug. Ds2 was complaining of a tummy ache yesterday, so keeping a close eye on him as well.

[maybesadie]

sorry, Alice, that's rough.

definitely feeling the physical effects of the stress myself.

[CurtWild]

Sorry alice, hope you and ds2 are ok

Got a 'goodnight, sweet dreams' text from KD last night. What I wouldn't have given for one of those when he worked away for weeks at a time. You know, when it actually mattered.

I didn't reply.

I know at some point I'll have to tackle the issue of him wanting a reconciliation. Right now I'm too wiped out to face it, and I think he's using that to his advantage, sending the 'caring' texts to try and find the chink in my armour. Very underhand tactics but also very like him.

Cannot be bothered to engage right now, but I know it will have to be addressed sooner rather than later or he'll somehow turn my lack of response into a positive reaction

[maybesadie]

trying to be good about leaving ex blocked. I'm dreading the sweet texts, because i think i want them, too. good for you not replying.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Curt I understand that mindset. Some days I just detach from contact because I just cannot dredge up the energy to care about it. I just want it all to stop for awhile. I'm tired of all the drama and nonsense. If he can't be an adult, I just don't want to hear from him.

sadie it is difficult to just block everything, because you wonder what they're sending, but that's what they're counting on - "she'll look, I know she will, and in a moment of weakness, I'm in..." Be strong. Detach. Keep it blocked.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

I've cancelled the visit. I've now got fever and chills, so there's no way I'm going anywhere for a few days. Ds2 seems okay at the moment, if a bit quiet.

I've talked to a solicitor this morning and sorted out how I'm going to handle the contact stuff for now. But that's used what little energy reserve I had, so now I'm just sitting here browsing Pinterest and doing some shredding, and trying not to breathe on the dcs so they don't catch it.

At least it's not during school term, so I don't have to worry about them missing school if they do get ill (or if I'm too ill to take them!).

[CurtWild]

Sorry you're feeling ill alice, fingers crossed your DC don't get it. My 3 are brighter but it's still sleepsuits and cartoons and jelly for dinner as their throats are still so sore. DD2 is calpol intolerant and I've just run out of nurofen, so I may have to rely on KD to pick some up for me. The thought of togging grumpy toddlers up and dragging them to the chemist doesn't fill me with joy. Come to think of it, neither does 'relying' on KD!