DH left me via an email

[INeedToEat]

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

Hey - when the world is upturned, as yours has just been, even the nonsensical become sensible. 'Tis normal.

Glad that you haven't had to contend with that horror but don't beat yourself up that your mind has gone into a little overdrive.

How are you feeling anyway? How's your son?

Hi there,
Having read your thread I'd like to congratulate you on how well you have handled events over the last month. There are those that believe that we should completely shelter our children from events in the our families...my own mother being one of those, but its isn't something I feel works.

I have spent the last two and half years attempting to build a relationship between my DC and their father, often to no avail. But I continue to do so as I believe that my DC need him in their lives. When he left our DS was just 8 and our DD approaching 7. I told them that their father loved them and he had left me not them but when a man fails to provide or make attempts to see his DC then they quickly see him for what he is.

When my XH left he wanted either for me to tell the children he had gone away for a few days to see a friend........live in a hotel with the OW was nearer the mark, or he met them in a pub for him to tell them he had left. Obviously I didn't want the latter to occur and the former was a lie, so I told the truth....he had left me to live with someone else. What they said next floored me initially and looking back maybe they were more aware of what was happening in our home that I was. My DD said thank goodness for that. Can we have a dog now? and my DS, after initially crying, said does that mean we can be happy now?

My DC do see their father, but it is usually the case of when it suits him. he calls most days but they are often with friends or don't want to talk. I try and encourage them to talk but they lack interest in the conversations because its always about him......but they listen and sometimes get to explain what they have been doing.

I don't want my DC to miss spending time with their father, but as they grow older the choice is theirs. They have experienced no shows, early returns and the boring walking around the shopping centre visits for 2 hours on a winter's night - all because he doesn't know what to do with them! But all I can do is continue to encourage their relationship because at the end of it all it has to be their decision and not mine.

You are doing all the right things in trying to continue your son's relationship with his father. As mothers we don't want to see our DC hurt by someone who should put them first unconditionally, but we can only stand back and be ready for whatever happens next.

Good luck

Thank you for sharing red - That is so sad for your DC - but yes I believe too that you are doing the right thing...and that I am, even though at times I am secretly happy when son doesnt want contact. Serves coward right - but I know in the long term son will need him in his life.

well I am feeling like I need to be back at work - however like FF suggests, I worry how I will cope 'looking after' others as my role requires. Some good supervision is needed I think.

Son is ok for now - excited that the last delivery of stuff for his room arrives on Monday but a little anxious about starting school on Tuesday. He had his cousin stay last night to keep his mind off things.

Still no email from coward. It has been a week now ...surprise surprise.

Good news is that I have not sent an email for 6 days either.

You're doing great, and lucky lovely son to have a Mum so strong in supporting him x

Almost finished sons bedroom today... couldnt put shelves or his blind up though... going to have to borrpw a drill !

And then

Gosh that's lovely...all grown up ready for the start of Secondary School!

I always find the cleaning and decorating thing excellent at clearing the mind!

I would buy a drill if I were you. Its something you are obviously going to use in the future and just another example of how independent you are!

Looks great - hope it all goes well for ds tomorrow! If it helps, my ds' new teacher appears to be 15 years old (he is in fact about 28) so I will have to resist the urge to pat him on the head and ask what A-levels he's thinking about doing.

Tribpot

The room looks great INeed! Hope he got off to school ok this morning.

Second day of internet secondary school for my girl, so she's in a science lesson in her office alcove downstairs and I'm listening in MNing from up here. Easier than having to organise a school run!

I almost cried watching him walk down the path this morning wearing his smart blazer (which looks too big for him)... he arrived home this afternoon full of chat about his day and is now face timing his cousin.

He had a 'please please' email from his dad last night begging to tell him how school went today.

Went back to work today .. was nice to be back.

Felt a little sad today thinking about how much coward is missing out on - almost emailed him a picture of son in his uniform. If only he had spoken to me I think we could have remained friends (ish).

3rd tescos shop arrived today when I got home - lovely !!

ooo internet schooling??

Trib LOL - we are just getting old !!

Glad his first day went well!

Yey! Good to read that you're all making positive steps to finding a new normal. It's good your son is full of the joys of school - must be a relief for you.

It is sad about coward but only from the perspective of you and your son. As it is, because of his cowardly way of going about things, he now has to beg.

In time, you may be able to become friends but that's on your terms and in your own time.

In other news - my husband is about to get the NC message from my solicitor. I am delighted as that's what I hoped she would do (but you can never be sure, can you?) I can only imagine what that will compel him do to him next...

Let him wait for a photo til he asks, INeedToEat. The 'please, please' email tone - WTF. Trying to play up the 'sad needy father' routine, can't imagine ds has any truck with that. Fantastic that ds has had such a positive first day.

Son emailed coward 'school was good'

Coward emailed him back saying I really want to see you - how about Wed, fri or saturday - for as long or short as you want (son came down stairs and showed me and seemed upset). He said he does not know what he wants...I suggested some idea's of what he could do or say and son decided that he would just ignore the question.

20 minutes later son was throwing up and crying his eyes out. I soo want to email coward and tell him to fucking leave him alone. ARGHH

Stop me emailing him !!

Totally self-absorbed, isn't he?

I'm torn about you emailing him. The cynic in me thinks you'll just lay yourself open to the allegation that you're making it all up 'to get at him' (I don't believe you are for a minute) but would you want that allegation thrown at you because the truth doesn't suit?

The pragmatic in me says these early days don't last - you do adjust and settle down, and your son will too - but you do have to get used to dealing with all of it on your own. It really sucks - especially when he's caused all this.

And the hard-hearted in me thinks that coward will just have to learn to cope with begging for morsals of his son's time right now. After all, that's the realism of the consequences of the decision he imposed.

Honestly, I used to believe the best in people. I guess I'm just a little jaded right now.

None of that helps you calm down your son or feel his pain any less right now. It's so sad that this so awful for you son right now.

Half of me thinks ds needs to get this first meeting over with, so he doesn't build it up in his head to something far more difficult than it actually is. Half of me thinks that if your DH can unilaterally decide when to withdraw from contact and only resume when it suits him, your ds deserves at least that much courtesy and he should tell his dad to back off until he lets him know he's ready to consider it.

What about a half way solution - he says he will meet him once. He specifies exactly what he will and won't discuss, and will walk away if his dad does not stick to the agreed topics. And then his dad is not to beg or ask or in any way hassle him about further contact until he is ready?

argh i could scream .. Wellwho .. my feelings exactly ! I just want his pain to go away.

Trib - part of me thinks that would be best for son .. but I also do not want to push him in to it. He has built it up in his head. Son had sent his dad a video of his room (with no sound) .. he showed it to me after he had sent it... when he 'panned' the room he moved out of line of the mirror so his dad could not see him. Says a lot to me. So lost as what is the best thing to do.

Oh poor lad. What a fucking self-absorbed wankshite the coward is.

I know it must be so difficult but please try to eat something, anything. A little bit of soup or a jelly might be a good start. Do this for your son and for you. Sometimes when I have been very upset and couldn't eat, I've found a little ice cream is okay. You have enough to deal with without hunger too.

Ideally try and have a few mouthfuls every now and again. Well done for having water. Good luck.

Crikey - it's just so sad. Why oh, why oh, why could he just not have sucked up the reality of breaking up responsibly. The coward's way out is so much harder for everyone to deal with (including the fucking coward!)

His pain will go away, or will ease considerably in time at best: but these early days are just so freaking hard because I suspect in your son's head he'll be blaming himself, after all - and I'm sure you're doing everything you can to tell him otherwise, the 'not having it explained by the two people he trusts unconditionally' means he, like the rest of us, can only explain it by looking inwards.

Trying to wrack my head for some practical solution, I'm thinking 'postponement', e.g. suggest to your son that he agrees to meeting him but at a time that your son would find it good and in a way that he'd like. E.g. a school night, and a trip to the cinema.

A film of his choice would be motivating to him, a school night means he can't be home too late, and the cinema means he doesn't need to have deep and meaningful convos with dad - but can just learn to be comfortable in his presence.

And not necessarily this week, but next week 'when he's more settled in school'.

I don't know if that's an utterly ridiculous idea?

Don't shoot me down in flames but please be careful that your son's reluctance to see his dad isn't in any way down to feeling like he's betraying you by wanting too.

It's been a pretty intense time for the two of you and, because of the holidays and you being off work, you've been in each other's pockets a bit (this is not a criticism. It's just been a function of the time of year).

If I were you I'd try and downplay the drama of the first meeting a bit. Arrange it for a specified time, in a public place, with an escape route for ds. But most of all, I'd be making it very very clear that you do want them to meet.

I'm sure you're doing all this but sometimes kids can get these ideas in their heads and it's hard to shake them

I think you need to help your son get this first meeting out of the way. Be no nonsense about it and just help him organise a cup of tea/milkshake at a cafe or a cinema trip but I think it needs to be sooner rather than later.

Coward has betrayed his family but he's still your DS's father and sooner or later they will have to meet up. This anxiety phase sounds like it's the worry and anticipaction - I wouldn't want to drag that out.

Horrible situation for you though. :(

Poor chick. As Bees said, it sounds like anxiety, building it up in his head. I'd also be inclined to get it over and done with, make it less of a drama. Maybe he has too much choice: constantly thinking about whether or not he is going to answer, that means he is constantly having to decide (put very simply) how much / whether or not he loves his dad, every time he gets a text. Maybe you could stop saying it's up to him? How about if you take over the decision from him, simultaneously showing his dad that you are a bigger person than him, by telling dad to come round after school, unannounced, and come and look at his son's room? Just something banal, undramatic, everyday, so that your son can see his dad is still the same old boring guy he was before, not a stranger. And his dad can get some inkling of what a shit he has been, instead of seeing it as all about his own pain and you supposedly cutting him off from his son.

INeed I really didn't know what the best thing to advise you was, but I agree with the last few posts that he's probably building up seeing his dad into an anxiety-provoking big deal, and that the burden of choice might be making things worse. This is such a tricky situation. I don't agree, however, that you should feel you have to let Coward into your home at the moment, especially not unannounced to DS - that's really not fair imo.

The idea of the cinema sounds like a good one to me actually - something where they don't have to immediately have a big heart to heart talk, which DS probably doesn't feel ready for, and could just be in each others company with no pressure. Could you say to DS that you will arrange a date with his dad and he can pick an activity... then give him a few choices - cinema, sporty thing, leisure activity like skating or whatever he's into. That way he still has choice but you've taken the really massive and scary decision (whether and when to see the parent whom he feels abandoned you both) away. If he really doesn't want to see him, this will probably crystallise it for him and he'll realise that for sure.

He's still only little, really (same age as my DD), and this is a huge responsibility on his shoulders, especially when twatwanker is making him (DS) feel responsible for his (coward's) feelings by begging and pleading. I think you have to be the grown up here and take control for your DS.