DH left me via an email

[INeedToEat]

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

lookingforsunshine with the best will in the world, RTFT!

OK, maybe not unannounced, but at short notice, so it is not something he has to fear for days, and not making it a decision which he has to take - if he actively refuses, fair enough, but maybe he really could do with the adults just deciding things and making him do stuff, without responsibility.

Obviously you don't have to let the man in your home if that is too disgusting; I was just thinking that your son clearly wants his dad to see his room, and the familiarity of the setting might make it a little less formal and weird. My kids say that it is weird "going out" with their dad all the time; something they never used to do that much before. And you never know if they want an activity where they don't have to talk, or if maybe they actually want to be in a private situation where they can have a heart to heart. I guess you just have to give them the chance for a bit of both.

I am happy for coward.to come and see sons room and suggested it to him, i also spoke about that maybe the decision was too big for him to make and that i would be happy to make it for him. Son also knows that i fully support him seeing dad and that i think sooner rather than later.
. However he just says no or i dont know.... i feel that all this has happened to him and i do not want to do more stuff to him where he has no say in the matter. Son went to school this morning.

That is such a tricky age - old enough for it not to go over their heads but young enough that they don't yet have the tools to cope with it. I don't know about where you are, but here all the "parents divorcing" groups and advice are aimed at under-12s for some reason. I wonder if there are any good children's novels on the subject?

My friend thinks i should be the better person and email coward giving him a way in to see his son .. what you think ?

You mean that you should try to arrange a meeting, as your son hasn't wanted to go to a meeting his dad arranges?

I would encourage a meeting. The sooner they have a regular contact arrangement set up the better. I can't see how all of this holding off is helping your son. He might be angry at what his father did but as his dad is no danger to him etc IMO the sooner they get back on track the better.

How about arranging for his dad to come round after work? You could then just say to your DS 'Dad is coming over, you can show him your room'. Matter of fact. If your son reacts strongly against this, then you can cancel H's visit. Even if he is angry and upset with his father, it will be better for him to have the opportunity to express this.

This break up is between you and your H, not between father and son, and this needs to be made clear to DS, even though obviously the way he left has affected your DS. You could explain to DS that people make mistakes and sometimes adults don't handle things the right way, like how your dad has behaved, but Dad loves you and nothing has changed between you two, this is between us.

I have said all of the above to son many times. He knows i think he should have contact, that i will support him, this is not his fault and dad loves him but every time dad suggests meeting son refuses to respond. I could email coward...and arrange something but that would mean breaking the now 2 weeks no contact.

I think FantasticButtocks is probably the best suggestion just to break the circle between ds and his dad. But I would make it clear to your ex that he can come between 6 - 7pm to see ds and you will make yourself scares while he is in your home and you will not talk about anything he has done to you as he is their to build bridges between them and you will not contact him again unless your ds asks you to.

I agree with your friend and I think she was brave to raise it with you given how angry and hurt you understandably are.

I appreciate you want your son to make the choices but he's a child and needs his parents to help him with things he doesn't have the emotional capacity to deal with.

At the end of the day, your ex left you in the wrong way, unfortunately nowt can be done to change that and you are understandably hurt (understatement of the year) by it. However, it's best for your son to find a way for you and partner to put your personal differences aside and to find the best way to co-parent despite not being together as partners.

One thing I would warn about is that the first time you clap eyes on your ex shouldn't be done with your son there. I suspect he'll be watching you both like hawks and however much you try, your hurt, anger and worry will be plain for all to see.

As always, I wish you every strength. It's hard to be there for your children when you have your own challenges to face too.

Please go back and read the Enabler. It's no longer your job to make arrangements for your ex when he is too lazy or selfish to make them properly himself. Give your son support to help cope with his father's behavior, but trying to compensate for his father is really not helpful to him.

SofiaAmes

It's not about a selfish or lazy ex partner, ex has been trying to reach out to son so it's not even about compensating.

What's best for the boy is 2 parents co-parenting and if that means helping things along a little because the OP holds all the power and the ex has none, so be it if the son benefits from it.

I wouldn't start labelling the OP as the 'enabler' nor the 'power holder' such terms are just misleading.

INeed has a dilemma - and has to make a decision of which there is not necessarily a 'best' outcome, and whatever decision she makes, for whatever motivation, the outcome can only be assessed afterwards.

There is only one shot to get it 'right'.

Personally, I can see the friend's point of view, and in principle agree with it. I think, that whilst it breaks the NC, it is a reasonable reason to do so: to facilitate re-communication between Dad and Son. NC can be resumed afterwards since if it works: good, if it doesn't - don't do it again.

Unfortunately, practical matters (even between divorcing spouses in an acrimonious divorce) means that breaking NC from time to time has to be done. The risk is, that it creates further havoc and misunderstanding. However, doing the 'right' thing means I sometimes you have to set yourself for further distress.

Keep any communication to the minimum facts, neutral language and tone, and when you should expect a reply. No name calling, no provocative statements, careful wording that can't be misconstrued. Not easy, but doable.

The only question, INeed, is do you think your son would be okay with you arranging this on his behalf and without his consent? And if he's not, then how would you deal with it?

got my pronouns all over the shop there!

phew thanks for the advice.

I emailed him 'We need to talk about son*'

He replied 1/2 later with :

I have in interim I have set up a monthly payment of £250. I paid £250 and the extra £100 for his uniform at the end of August, I assume you got this?

I have been exchanging emails with Son* on a day to day level. When I touch the subject of us seeing each other at some point very soon, I get no response, which I fully understand. I miss him terribly and was devastated that I missed his first day at school amongst other things - all of which I know was because of the upset and hurt caused. I cannot undo what happened, but I do want to try and rebuild my relationship with him desperately. I am truly sorry for all I have done wrong.

I'd be very happy to see him as soon as he is ready - anyday, anytime.

Again, in the interim, with regard to seeing son*, Wednesday evenings and alternate weekends is okay with me.

I hope you are all as well as can be expected under the circumstances.

Is there anything else we need to discuss?

Hour* later.

So how do I go about replying. I have drafted an very long winded but not angry email which I dont think you will like.

Son seems to be doing marvellously at school and comes home every day with stories about what he has done, seen, learnt and talked too. He has had some homework and I think the amount is worrying him a little. It seems he has made some friends and talks regularly of a boy called *. He genuinely seems happy and excited by school.

I had set him lunch limit to £3 per day but it seems that this is not enough so I upped the amount to £4 today. He is doing cooking lessons and will be making a fruit salad on Wednesday.

He is going *on school holiday from the 1-3 Oct. I will be paying for this later. I think the cost was something like £180 but I will let you know after I have paid. I also only brought him limited amount of uniform before he started as he was very much in the middle of two sizes (one jacket, one trousers, two shirts - Full PE kits x2). We will go back to the shop again in Oct and purchase more trousers/shirts and a PE bag. I will let you know the cost. I received your maintenance payment on the 29th Aug 2014 - thank you.

If you would like to see a list of the teachers names, the lunch menu or special dates at school you can look them all up on the school web site without needing to signing in.

FYI - I am planning on taking him away for 7 days during October half term. I am also considering allowing him away with my parents to the USA in April for 2 weeks.

I have some pictures I took of him on his first day of school. I could email you one if you would like? I too am sorry you missed it.

I am aware of your email exchange with *Son - he has either shown them to me or read them out to me. We discussed his feelings whenever you have suggested meeting with him.

You are right you can not change the decisions you have made. I am still at a loss of why you chose to do it this way though. I actually understand that you do not like confrontation but do not understand why you thought any confrontation would take place??? All that was needed was a conversation … a simple conversation could have avoided all this. Did you not think through what would happen next after leaving the way you did?? Did you not think that you would never have to talk to me ever again ?? What about hand overs? School meetings? Birthdays? Christmas?? I can not work out what you thought would happen with all that. What would have been wrong with having a civil 'friendship' for Son?? Yes -I still have a lot of questions but am no longer feeling angry. Whatever you may think I do want you to have a wonderful relationship with son and think you both deserve that.

We are all very well. *older son (and it seems others) are disappointed in your behaviour, but his work is going well. Son is sleeping in my bed less regularly. I am good and have moved on. I hope you are well too. I have worried about you.

I do not think Son is withholding contact out of some loyalty towards me as I have told him several times that I would like him to have contact and will support him, I have told him you love him and miss him very much. I understandably think he is still hurting. I am at a loss of what to do now. The only thing I can think of is to tell him you are coming here to see me and sign something and when you are here ask if you can see his room as a way in… however to date it seems you are not willing to talk/see me so am not sure how this could happen.

(not sent)
I am not longer angry .. just sad for son. I am aware that some parts seem like i am a walk over - i am aware that some parts he could throw back in my face... i just want this over with for son.

thoughts? as i need to email him back fairly soon.

Any email back needs to be one line. No emotion / mention of his actions / your feelings / DS1's feelings. Nothing. Just one, factual sentence.

"I will suggest to DS that you come round after school on Wednesday and let you know what he says"

Or something like that.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you're trying to make him feel bad, don't bother. He won't. All it will do is churn you up again.

Short. Factual. About your DS.

Joysmum. Friend wasn't brave - we have a great relationship and can speak about anything... I also do not go around biting people's head off, what ever you may think.

No definitely not trying to make him feel bad ... was more like trying to tell him i am no longer angry and that I really do support him!! God does it really read like that ?

I think you need to sit down with your son.
Make the suggestion that his dad come round on Sunday for 2 hours.
You will be there to support him for as long he needs you to be there.
See what he says about that.

It may be a no go in which case you will just have to tell coward that your son is not ready yet. You will let him know when he is.

If he is OK with the arrangement then just let coward know the plan is he comes round on Sunday from XX time to XX time.

That email is just very long and not necessary.
Once your son is OK with his dad again then you can have discussions with coward about all the things mentioned in the email.

Wow! That reads to me as a very contrite email - did you read it the same?

Message to coward received loud and clear: that his actions have been reprehensible. And he is asking not insisting, which is good.

At this point a factual email that splits the problem might be best?

I too have noted our son's unwillingness to have face to face contact with you. It is something that needs to be addressed, I agree, but at this point I am uncertain as to how best to proceed in a way that does not cause him further distress. I do wish for the two of you to have a positive relationship again.

As you are aware, our son has just commenced secondary school, which is a big event in his life. My primary objective at this time, is to ensure that he adjusts to this change in his life. Any intervention I can make between you and our son, must bear in mind this other recent change in our son's life.

I agree that we should be working up to the schedule of W Eve, and Alt. W/E, but given the circumstances I would like your thoughts as to how we build up to that, or facilitate that as our current approaches have not yet overcome this unwillingness.

Yes it does read like that sorry INeed - otherwise why the comments how everyone is feeling about his actions?

WellWho's first para would work as a reply: "I too have noted our son's unwillingness to have face to face contact with you. It is something that needs to be addressed, I agree, but at this point I am uncertain as to how best to proceed in a way that does not cause him further distress. I do wish for the two of you to have a positive relationship again.!

Don't bother addressing his excuses about his behaviour. He is looking for you to say "there there it'll all be OK" and frankly, if I were you, I would not want to even go there

I thought it sounded okay!

I told him how we are all doing because he ' hoped we are all as well as can be expected under the circumstances'.

I will re write it later with advice taken on board from here.