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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH left me via an email

746 replies

INeedToEat · 09/08/2014 14:36

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

OP posts:
crabster · 29/08/2014 18:57

Just read your last update. Yes I think it's the right thing to read the email exchanges without your DS being aware of it, for now. It takes the pressure off DS to consider your feelings in his communication with his dad, whilst keeping you informed of any twatbadgery on the part of coward.

Glad you've got your friends around now and rl support. Re the fish tank, what was noisy exactly - filter? air pump? We had this issue in DD's room with the air pump and got a much quieter one, but the filter does make a sort of bubbly water sound. It varies a lot between makes though so don't give up if he'd like it in his room.

LEMmingaround · 29/08/2014 18:58

It's well past wine o vlock here but no wine in house:(

LEMmingaround · 29/08/2014 18:59

We are here i need. It is ok to have a bad day it doesn't mean you arent coping. Just that today is a bad day and tomorrow is a new one.

tribpot · 29/08/2014 19:03

Here and sober to counter-balance crabster Grin Excitement in our house as ds has just lost his second tooth. Thank god the Tooth Fairy happens to have change in her purse.

WellWhoKnew · 29/08/2014 19:03

Have you managed to catch up with friend?

I know it's tough times, if you're anything like I was, you'll have been manically busy but as soon as you stop it's Ka-pow! Eventually the adrenaline wears off and the sadness seeps in.

Don't worry, you won't feel like this forever.

Don't be hard on yourself - weekends are always worse for me, I don't know why. Big day for your boy on Monday, so that'll be bittersweet. How is he doing? How are the fish doing?

Original poster
INeedToEat · 29/08/2014 19:24

Evening all - your messages made me smile.

Not had a beer or wine yet but I do have some in!

Son is doing ok. Still does not want to see coward but is happy to email him. It is one month tomorrow since he saw his son.

I think his indifference about his son has made me feel a little sad - that plus we have done noting today except snuggle under duvets watching films and eating pizza. Which although nice means I haven't been out of the house today.

Friend text at 2am saying she just landed. Hopefully she will call tonight (still 'what if' in the back of my mind i guess).. but she is a FC with 2 disabled kids (plus her own kids) so probably has her hands full.

Fish are great and haven't died yet lol ... I like them being in the front room as it means I get to watch them all evening!

Tonight I feel a bit lonely - the same feeling I used to get when I had no plans over the weekend ... even when coward was at home!

Cheers all

OP posts:
crabster · 29/08/2014 20:20

It sounds like you've got it all under control there Ineed, just feeling the pressure of the total upheaval of routine in suddenly having nobody there to chat to on a Friday evening. If your relationship is crap, then ime there's nothing lonelier than having someone there with you but not having anything to say to them/having no interest in their inane witterings anyway! Grin

One month since coward saw his son, from seeing him every day. That's so sad and such a massive adjustment for your boy. What a fucking idiot he is, and I can guarantee that he will bitterly regret this when he realises what he's done and what he's lost. Angry

I love looking at the fish too, and initially wished that the aquarium was in the living room. DD loves it when I go in and watch them, though, and always plays the same song which I sing along to after wine in an effort to keep me there. Now when I sit there and watch the fishies, even alone, I hear that song in my head. Grin

sailorsgal · 29/08/2014 21:12

Hope you are ok. I think the weekends can be tough and loneliness is always worse in the evening.

I took my ds to an aquarium the other day and have stupidly agreed to him having some fish when the builders have done his playroom.
wine

sailorsgal · 29/08/2014 21:13

obviously that should have shown a glass of wine. wish they had an edit button on here.

Original poster
INeedToEat · 29/08/2014 21:16

Ctab and sail.. thank you! I always feel more lonely on a fri and sat night. As I said even when coward was home.. Could of got a sitter but son doesnt want me to 'leave' him.

OP posts:
crabster · 29/08/2014 21:30

I'd go with staying in for now, watch crap telly/MNing/reading a good trashy novel, until DS is feeling more secure. Wine optional. Wink

Original poster
INeedToEat · 30/08/2014 11:11

Looks like coward paid the full amount of money into my account.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 30/08/2014 11:36

Great news! That must be a relief.

The Odious Little Coward in my life has just lumbered me with a bill for 700 pounds on top of having to pay the car repairs. Bang goes the holiday budget Sad.

Hey ho - divorce is a long game so I'm not going to get upset about it!

What are you plans for this weekend? Anything fun?

Original poster
INeedToEat · 30/08/2014 12:47

Oh great not good wellwho!! But you are right, for you this is the long haul

Out at the moment getting sons hair cut for school and getting him a clock for his bedroom... no otjer plans really.

I text friend last night.. have not heard from her. I feel sick.

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 30/08/2014 17:11

It looks like you are getting great support and advice from this thread OP.

I just wanted to add that my DS was 10 when his father and I split under very acrimonious circumstances.

He also took to occasional co sleeping which I was a bit worried about at the time, but after a while it just petered out as he came to terms with the new situation.

It really sounds like you are doing a brilliant job in a really shitty situation. Stay strong. Thanks

HappySunflower · 30/08/2014 17:46

I have been lurking for a long time and just wanted to say how brilliantly I think you are managing everything to do with your son.
It is so hard to strike that healthy balance between good communication yet protecting them from the detail of everything yet you seem to be doing really well in achieving that.

I'm sensing some anxiety about your best friend.
Do you think she might have something to do with him leaving?

Original poster
INeedToEat · 30/08/2014 18:15

Thank you both.

Glad to hear your son stopped co sleeping of his own accord Hamp.

Happy - it would never have crossed my mind in a million years but since someone wayyy up thread suggested it I can not get it out of my head.

Coward has not emailed son today - i get the feeling he is letting me know 'he is busy' while being an asrehole to his son. I also hate that he asks son what he is up too which means he gets to know what i am up too.

OP posts:
HappySunflower · 30/08/2014 19:10

Hmm. The timing of it all is a bit of coincidence.
Is it out of character for her not to have been in touch after being away?
Have you told her what's happened?

I hope that your fears are unfounded x

Original poster
INeedToEat · 30/08/2014 19:14

She has a busy life and is often crap at calling / returning my calls. She knows what happened briefly ... and did whats app while away but the reception was rubbish ... I would have expected her to call asap on her rtn.

OP posts:
tribpot · 30/08/2014 19:29

Yeah but however busy you are, you make time for a friend in real need. It's not like you've had a minor disagreement with DH, he has abandoned you.

Original poster
INeedToEat · 30/08/2014 19:31

My feelings exactly.

OP posts:
HappySunflower · 30/08/2014 19:37

I can absolutely understand why you are feeling uneasy.

Do you have any mutual friends you could check in with to see if they've heard from her?

I hope that there is an innocent explanation.....

FrontForward · 30/08/2014 19:50

Hmm I have friends whose lives are so busy and pressured that they might keep meaning to contact you but not do so. I wouldn't read anything negative into it just yet. It does suggest she cannot offer you the support you would want from a best friend but maybe only because she is otherwise swamped herself.

For several years after my divorce I felt depleted of empathy and unable to offer support. This is not me at all! I felt quite shocked at my own detachment however there is only so much people can deal with

Original poster
INeedToEat · 30/08/2014 23:00

Just spoke to friend. She is not involved. Phew. Feel a little stupid now. But glad l.

OP posts:
FrontForward · 30/08/2014 23:05

:)