DH left me via an email

[INeedToEat]

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

Ah! I got distracted writing my last post and missed yours INeed.

You can already guess my comments on your email, I think it's quite 'venting' (and I really, really, really, don't blame you for doing that - your feelings (and the management of your son) are very real so on the one hand shouldn't be denied. And at times, a bit defensive.

On the other hand, I'm all for business-like. The risk with your email (in my eyes) is he'll answer the questions you pose of 'Why did you do that?' in a blaming, inflammatory or weak way that make you do more WTF?. The same reality here as two weeks ago.

He does, however, ask is there anything else we need to discuss - so getting his approval in for your holiday plans is a good time to do this, and ditto the on-going costs of your soon help him understand that his 250 pounds doesn't stretch very far in real terms, so he may not be adverse to upping it a little if you need it.

Thanks as always WellWho.. Really did not see it a venting or blaming but have read it through again with different eyes. I continue to think !!

It's too conciliatory. You can't move directly from NC to cosy co-parenting as a divorced couple (if for no other reason than it will confuse the crap out of ds, and mainly because there is no evidence whatsoever that your ex is now going to step up to the mark and attempt to regularise his relationship with his child again). And the paragraph about 'why did you do what you did' - either you are over it or you aren't. (And obviously you aren't).

Don't appear to open the door to let him step back into ds' life merely for having sent a few emails. He's done nothing to demonstrate he's able to do this in a way that won't ultimately devastate ds more (i.e. when your ex finds it 'all too much' and breaks contact again).

Just keep it totally to business. If he wants to know the details of ds' first few days at school he can ask ds himself when they meet.

I admire you for writing an email that aims to keep him informed. This is the sort of parenting that many divorced parents could hope for. However I agree with tribpot that it's early days and protecting yourself is good and also not falling into a trap of him and you expecting all the work to come from you.

His mail sounded conciliatory to me. What's done is done. It was shoddy and he has a lot of making good to do.

I would avoid any comment about your own feelings mainly because if he doesn't join in the dialogue (frankly what can he say because he is the cause) you may feel hurt.

I think giving him info about his son is great.

You are not obliged to tell him a single damn thing about "how you all are" (apart from his DS). He lost the right to that insight into your life when he did a moonlit flit. The fact that he is devestated and sorry is not your problem, worry, concern or fault. That's his bed. He needs to lie in it all alone. Disengage.

Sorry if I'm being too blunt. I'm just worried that a big outpouring like your first emial will
a. churn you up
b. feed his little mid-life drama ego
c. achieve nothing useful

Short. Businesslike. Factual.

Thanks Tri. I am not over the way he has done this but I no longer feel anger towards him. More confusion then anything else. I do feel as though I moved on a lot since a month ago.

I am really crap at this no contact or business lark. Just seems so formal and unnecessary - but I am listening and reading.

Thank you all

To me it sounds like the main issue is not the fact that the relationship has ended but about the way he ended it. Cruel and cowardly.

Get past that and you could have a good co parenting relationship.

Absolutely FF. I am relieved the relationship is over, I am excited it is over and really looking forward to the future. It is just the way he did this.

Go with what works for you, our opinions about your situation are just that. If it doesn't work for you, don't force it to.

We're not here to make you feel crap, you don't need that!

Joysmum I have to say quite vehemently that I believe that you are wrong. It isn't always best for the child to "co-parent." I did my children a huge disservice by following that advice for far too long. But that's for another thread.
I do think INeed's ex is being lazy. There are a dozen different ways to reach out to a child and overcome a wrong you have done to them. Her ex has barely tried one or two and now that they haven't worked, he's putting all the responsibility on INeed to fix it. And if she takes on that responsibility, then she is "enabling" his behavior. And if she chooses to do that (which I don't think she does), she should be aware that that's the choice she's making and what the consequences of that will be for everyone involved.
(INeed my heart goes out to you. I know how painful it can be for a child to have a parent that isn't meeting their emotional needs and to be the parent who has to help that child.)

I actually think your email is absolutely fine as it is.

You will need the relationship between you to be like this for your son's sake anyway. You are glad the relationship is over. The way it was done was badly, and you are understandably concerned about how that has affected your son, which you have addressed to the Ex in your reply. If you don't want to keep up the NC, why do you need to? The sooner you get things nice and civilised between you, the sooner your son will be able to resume his relationship with his father.

If it takes you to facilitate things at first, so what? You are his mother and if the ex is not managing to achieve what is best for your son and you can step in and help, why shouldn't you?

It is only helpful to be NC with him if that is what you want to do. If you are glad it is over and looking forward to your new future, no longer angry etc, then perhaps it is not necessary to be NC, which would be about self-protection if it was needed. NC is certainly not helpful for your son.

Thanks Fantasic.

I have sent a much shorter and more professional email but still included how son is feeling and my idea about how he can have contact with son. I do understand I am opening myself up (again) and am prepared for that.

My dh told me he wanted to leave me when I was 7 months pregnant with dc2, three days before Xmas.

It was an appalling shock and the timing was fucking awful!

He did stay living in our home for nine months, finally leaving in September, because I desperately hoped that having a newborn daughter would change his mind. Sadly, it didn't.

I never went NC with him. I just couldn't. The dc were so young that I decided, no matter how or when he had done what he had done, I was not willing to take the risk that not talking to him would sour our inevitably long term relationship.

I absolutely know that going NC with him, even for just a short time in the early days, would have meant that we would not have the relationship we have today. My friends comment about how 'amicable' we are, considering, and how, despite everything, we are actually friends.

I could not, and would not, ever put my children in a position where they thought we hated each other. I am not bitter. I moved on pretty swiftly (as it seems the OP is doing). It made me a bloody strong person actually.

If you are feeling strong and happy, the fact that you have 'outpoured' your feelings to him, will probably mean that it won't 'churn you up' if he doesn't respond in the way you would like.

I totally agree with FantasticButtocks last post.

A quote from one of your posts today - 'It just seems so formal and unnecessary' - it really doesn't have to be this way you know. It doesn't make you weak, emailing him you know

Seriously, go with your gut. Do what you think is right for you, your son, and to a certain extent, your ex.

I wish you luck

x

Thank you Pas. Luckily I do not want him back. But I do want him to have a relationship with son. Glad it worked out well for you.

I have a response to my email:

I am so relieved that he seems to be enjoying school and hopefully he will soon get used to amount of homework that is expected of him. I would really like to see the pictures of him on his first day - thank you.

I will transfer the Holiday* money tonight and be happy to pay 1/2 of his uniform/PE costs.
I did see the list of extra curricular activities, is he going to try any of them?

What were Son's* feelings when I discussed meeting with him?

The way I went leaving was the wrong way - for that I am full of remorse and am genuinely sorry. Over at least the 6 months prior to this I found it harder and harder to even talk to you in any way. I was so consumed by the whole situation that I put barriers up in my head to defend myself. I did not talk to anyone about my feelings and this made matters worse. Every decision I took, good or bad, was solely my decision. I started to blank out all feelings - sadly, not just my own. My anxiety got so completely out of control at the end that I felt I just had to get away, I had not planned to do that. My thoughtlessness at the time has caused everyone pain that could have been avoided if I thought more clearly. I accept how I left was wrong, I am not making excuses, or seeking sympathy - I have to accept the consequences of my decisions and what it has caused. I do not sleep well.

I am fully prepared to be Civil at all times including his birthday, school meetings etc etc.

I will continue with email exchanges with son* for the time being, I would not like to "force" a meeting with him, but as you are there, I would ask you to continue encouraging him to see me.

I think he's been honest. You don't have to like or excuse his actions just because he has been honest and might draw pity. You don't have to pity him either.

I would personally just acknowledge the explanation albeit late and make it brief then move on

I think you emotionally split up with him ages ago so are possibly better placed to have a relationship with him that is clearly not 'a relationship'. For many, the sort of close contact, sharing of emotions and feelings would be confusing and emotional destabilising. You might be able to do this. Be careful though.

Sums up the adage: you can't run away from your problems.

There's a bridge in there. Well done, INeed, you've managed to get your feelings across, offer the olive branch, and elicit the acknowledgement of responsibility he must accept, rather than the overwhelming self-pity and blame that he could have chosen to focus on.

There's a change there from his first 'explanatory email'. Your son adopted NC on his own accord: It is a very effective way of forcing reflection on one's actions - even though for him, it was never a conscious strategy, but a way of communicating: you have behaved unacceptably.

Whatever it is you wrote, you have accomplished your goal: Son has to come first.

It does mean your son is coming first now. Not his Dad. You've avoided this being a tit-for-tat fight over feelings, but a strong emphasis on working together to put Son's needs first.

Well done, love. Be very proud of yourself.

I do think you really need to tell him exactly what sons reaction was as it was heart breaking to read your reports of how well he was doing to be so quickly pulled down to that response. This is not about guilt tripping but equally you shouldn't protect his father either - he asked so tell him. The reality is son is traumatised by losing his dad over night so no amount of cheerful chit chat is going to over come that. His father needs to help him heal from what he did (not you cos you didn't do it) the man has asked so tell him clearly, it was kind of you not to hit him with it in your last email. FWIW he does seem to be showing some insight into his behaviour, I cant think what possesses any person to think doing what he did wasn't going to cause carnage but if you really want to move on and have a responsible approach to this - then that is not your problem its his. You have shown him you are trying to get past it and move on. However you cannot guarantee son is going to do the same - boys are so very different with this sort of thing so father will need to work out how he is going to deal with it - he needs to know.

You do sound to be going in the right direction with everything else and it is good hes financially supporting I know he should anyway but the amount that don't is absolutely astounding and compounds an already stressful situation. Good luck

father needs to help him heal from what he did (not you cos you didn't do it) See, I disagree with that bit in brackets. You are both his parents and you both need to help your son. If someone mugged your son in the street you wouldn't say the mugger is the only one who can help him get over it.

Fantastic of course mum needs to help her son but its the father who needs to deal with what he did, until the boy gets that from his father he cannot begin to know if he can build trust again with his dad. Even in crimes such as mugging to use your example, it has been shown that restorative work is the most effective where it can be done. Not every mugger is willing to meet their victim or show remorse but this is the boys father who says he knows what he did was wrong and wants a relationship with his son - then part of that is starting with the hurt caused.

I found his email ... just so sad. I almost feel sorry for him. He has made a massive mistake ... i am not going to punish him for ever about it. Although son might.

The whole thing is just so sad. I feel a lot more sorry for you and your son because you've suffered the consequences of his decision. He too has to suffer the consequences - but he made the decision.

Agreed not to punish him for ever, in a way, it's not necessary as he has to live with himself and the damage he's inflicted every day for the rest of his life. Knowing that he did that.

Whereas, you and son, can agree that it was a horrible thing to happen, but focus on accepting it was not your fault.

That relationships breakdown is okay - people change, make mistakes, whatever it is the causes the split, and we can all accept our responsibilities for a relationship breakdown. It can be sad enough - but how they move out of the relationship is the key issue - it can be incredibly destructive.

Joysmum. Friend wasn't brave - we have a great relationship and can speak about anything... I also do not go around biting people's head off, what ever you may think

I think she was brave to raise her concerns and risk hurting a friend by possibly opening a wound that's beginning to heal, not because I think you'll bite her head off.

I'm so glad you got the acknowledgement you deserve that he hurt you both more unnecessarily by leaving in such a cowardly way.

Ineedtoeat, you really are a remarkable women.

And if it's of any consolation to you, I think your husband is acknowledging how absolutely awful his departure was and is sorry for the way he did things.

It's all very very sad.

Car - thanks. Do not feel remarkable.

Home tonight chilling with son.

Sent a few emails back and forth with coward.

I hope you had a nice evening with your son. :)