It's the final straw but scared about splitting up

[Knackered123]

My OH has not come home after going out last night and promising with all his heart that he would be back at a decent time. He has done this before and convinced me he would never do it again. He goes drinking with his friends and gets too drunk to come home and ends up sleeping on someone's floor. Very mature. Last time he came back at 9.30am and was still drunk. I said I wouldn't put up with it again, and here we are, it's happened again.

He is a good dad and loves our 8month old very much. I want him to have a good relationship with his son, and do feel bad that he will not be able to see him very day, potentially. I am not even angry and don't want a fight, I just want to make positive steps today to move on from him.

This is not the only thing that is wrong with our relationship. He doesn't show any love and can be, quite frankly, a bully quite a lot of the time. And sometimes cruel to me. We argue a lot. It's very stressful and making me unhappy.

I don't want to leave my house or go and live with anyone else for a while - why should I!

Please could anyone suggest how I can go on from here and how I can build the strength to actually go through with it this time? I know in the long run I will be happier. Thank you.

It's true. It was so useful once I knew it had to end. He'd come in through the door at 7am pissed and I'd let it wash right over me. I'd seen the light and the end was nigh. His phone would get texts at random times and he's grab it defensively- I didn't care. I knew what he was and I knew it wasn't for me anymore. He could go and be a fickwit somewhere else on somebody else's time.

Big hugs to you ladies at the start of the end of the chapter...a calmer, happier future awaits you

Very wise words. What's the point in wasting any more time it it soul destroying. What is it with these men and why do they want to destroy the things that are precious, just for the sake of 'having a good time'? (How getting pissed and behaving like a moron at their age is considered a good time is beyond me).

So, me and oh starting talking about the situation and he said he has no excuses for what he did and can't defend himself. He is not sure why he did it. He understands that I want to end it and says he can't stop me so has to accept it even though it will be painful.
He said just get on with it but let's try to not make it unpleasant and not argue in front of ds.
It's really bizarre because we have agreed that I will start looking into practicalities of splitting up, but also being pleasant to each other. Neither of us can be bothered to argue anymore.
Not sure why this is happening its weird.

Thanks for words of support ladies x

Of course he wants you to 'be pleasant'. He wasn't being pleasant to you when he made you feel worthless. Detach, detach, detach. If you're serious you'll make it easier on yourself if you stop eating together, sharing a room, washing/ironing etc etc. it sounds dramatic but if you can do this bit by bit it means you start living individual lives...it eases you into the split gently.

Hugs and good luck!

Probably because he doesn't actually think you will go through with it. I would be prepared for him to react differently when you actually get the wheels in motion.

I'm sure he thinks if he acts all reasonable now you won't go through with it and he can potentially blame you.

Hopefully not, but I'd be prepared.

I hate him for doing this. I am exhausted enough looking after my 8 month old. It's going to be so hard but one step at a time I guess.

You should be angry. Use that to get through the practicalities you need to.

I threw mine out when my ds were 2yo and 5 weeks old. I didn't know how I was going to manage but I can honestly that the moment he left it was easier. He created work and resentment for me when he was here.I got to just enjoy my children when he left. I ddidn't have to negotiate his moods anymore. When I walked into a room it would be the way I left it, not with crap that he'd left lying about for the presumed tidying up fairy to clean up.

Resentment is a powerful thing. Resentment and exhaustion is unbearable. I swear once he's gone things will be easier. I'd put money on it.

I can imagine it will be as I usually feel more positive when he is not around. Would love to get him to leave but not sure how to go about that as he has very right to stay as we own the house jointly.
It just annoys me that I am now going to have to do all this stuff in order to work it all out on top of everything else just because he has screwed it all up and thrown it all away.
Must have been so hard for you ilovelamp, when your babies were that age. We moved house when ds was 4 weeks and that was hellish. But you got through it, and you are happier for it.

He really doesn't think you will follow through though does he? If he did he would be making all sorts of promises to make you reconsider.
Start living now as if you are a single parent. DO not consider his wants and needs any more. You are not his OH you are his ex. Do nothing for him, no washing, cooking anything. No discussion on what you do with your day, you are not answerable to him. Be prepared for him to become less co operative when you get the ball rolling.
Good luck

I don't know what advice to give you with regards to thehouse. Have you asked him to leave? IIf he is being 'reasonable' at the moment. Then a reasonable man would let his wife and child stay in the family home. If not you really know what you're dealing with and can go from there. I have a feeling if you ask him tou will probably find out whether he believed you woukd follow through from his response.. But I would go get your free half hour at a solicitors and ask them about that.

Do either of you havr somewhere else you can stay in the interim? Preferably him.

So I asked him to leave this morning and he said flatly, no, why should he. So he saw me looking at citizens advice/solicitors on internet and tried to rubbish it, saying I can find out all I need to know online these days rather than go and see them. And to be careful with solicitors they will fleece me. He also said they would laugh in my face when I tell them the reason why we are parting. But then he was also trying to give me advice on what I should do, with regards to leaving. He said I should go and live with my parents (3 hours away from where we live) until I have to go back to work. I don't want to do that at all, why should I, and don't really want to involve them in this.

He said it's been hard for him aswell, living with a depressive (me, I have been suffering from pnd and on medication, but feeling much stronger these days, rather than necessarily happier if you know what I mean), with all the stresses he has at work then has me to contend with. He implied he doesn't know what I am 'moaning about'. I have got the best job in the world and he wishes he could do it. I said its hard living with a man who is negative and grumpy pretty much all the time and it doesn't help me one bit.

In the early days of having ds he was cruel about how the house was a mess, dinner wasn't on the table, phone calls hadn't been made etc etc, and he said it was appalling as if I had been sitting on my arse all day. Although that did get better once it dawned on him that looking after a baby is actually hard work.

He said I was a psycho with mental imbalances and a mouth on me, and that I was the bully rather than him.

It's all getting rather nasty now, and I am fully aware that he is notching up his own nastiness levels as a defence mechanism. This is what he tends to do. If things are bad he will add petrol to the flames and really really stick the knife in even more. It's like he is on self destruct and knows it's screwed so let's make it really really bad. He knows he does this aswell. He will admit to it.

This is so hard. Sorry for ranting like this I feel like it's all crumbling and it's scary. We have been together for 15 years.

Knackered, stay strong.
If your DH is being horrible and ranting at you, make records of what he says. If he is saying things like "psycho" then this is outrageous and will make him look terrible if / when it comes to mediation / legal proceedings.

No of course you don't have to go to your parents. Do not leave the family home and leave it to him.

This is horribly predictable. He didn't think you'd go through with it and now he can see you are he is turning nasty and blaming you. Do not listen to him. He does not have your best interests at heart. Don't worry abouthim. He is not worried about you, hhe's only botherwd abouy himself.

These things can escalate when you try to leave OP so please stay safe. I would ring women's aid again and ask what they would advise about him refusing to leave the house. They may suggest that you go into a shelter.

I know how scary that sounds but it is a means to an end.

Don't listen to him. Get an appointment at citizens advice and an appointment with a solicitor as soon as possible.

I would just stop communicating with him. He will only try to manipulate you. This is not a nice man. You needto be careful and get away from him.

And I can assure you a solicitor will not laugh in your face. Far from it!

Are you ok OP?

Just catching up.

Yes- the nastiness thing is what they do. Believe me!

Right-

1. keep your cards close to your chest from now on. Do it all in secret.
2. detach from him. Do not have those conversations with him which allow him to verbally abuse you. Took me a long time to learn that one. Finally realised it once I'd been called every name under the sun, lazy, good for nothing, slag, frigid (yeah spot the contradiction) blah blah blah. Protect yourself now. Seriously.
3. hide babies birth certificate and passport. You don't know how petty he'll get.
4. if its a joint account, start watching finances tightly. If he access to your accounts, change passwords etc.
5. talk to yourself and remind yourself why you want this to end. Do not be bullied. Stay strong.

My ex wouldn't leave the house at one point. I had to look into an order of sale act...pain in the arse. We weren't married though. The solicitor will tell you all you need up know.

Book the appointment!!!!

Hope you're ok
Xx

Are you married?? This will make a difference to the house etc.

Thank you for your replies all it is helping me to stay strong x I am starting to feel depressed again so it is difficult and sometimes I feel very overwhelmed by it all.
No we are not married - that is another issue that we had. We always used to lock horns about it because he didn't want too, and I did. We even agreed to split over it. And then I found out I was pregnant out of the blue so the situation changed..
He half heartedley agreed to get engaged, and we went ring shopping a few times. Never bought anything though. He said today on the phone that he thought I was being a 'greedy pig' and he was appalled at how I was expecting him to spend so much money. Apparently I also 'dragged' him around the shops and I should be grateful for all the time he took out of his day as it did his head in. I was speechless is is so hurtful.
It's weird because part of me is in denial. He said that I am being really harsh and that he is not as bad as I am making out. He said that he has had to put up with a lot from me too with my pnd and that I am not being understanding towards him as it has been hard for him too.
He said that I will move out 'over his dead body', and I am not giving him a chance. He said we can go to councilling, do you think we should consider that? I don't know. He also now admitted that he thinks he has a drink problem and wants to get help for that.
God, sorry I am really rambling x

You may be wondering why I have put up with this for so long, but he is not always like this, he can be nice sometimes, which is why it's continued like it has x

He's scared shitless that you're going to leave so is making desperate suggestions. Do you honestly think counselling will help...I don't. Get rid before you regret it

Not at all. I've been on the freedom programme and met women who have just left their partners after 35 years. Their kids had grown up and left and now they were stuck on the house on their own with their abusive partners thinking they don't have any options.

Others figure it out quicker but one thing that every woman I have met in this position univerally say, they wish they had left sooner.

It's up to you whether you want to consider counselling but I personally wouldn't advise it. Please read Lundy Bancrofts book. Counsellors won't see couples if there is abuse within the relationship as it is a platform in which the abuser can use against you. And no matter what your charming OH says. He is most definitely abusive.

Please think od yourself. This man only has his own interests in mind.

If you are suffering from depression, a loving partber would be supportive, not abusive and using it against you to blame for his faults.

I have suffered depression also. It wasn't until after I split from my husband that I realised thatnit was probably him that got me into that state and kept me there. It's such subtle abuse that any one instance doesn't seem big enough to leave or even tell people about, so you minimise it and tell yourself if it happens again you'll leave. And repeat and repeat. Its no wonder you're depressedm the person that tells you they love you portrays the exact opposite. It's so emotionally abusive.. Eventually you come to a point where you realise all of these little things although individually might feel drastic to leave a relationship, collectively have an unbelievably profound affect on you as aperson. And ultimately you realise at some point they are not going to change.

At a time that he should be grovelling (although even if he were, I would still leave) he is being awful to you.

Please believe that you are worth more than this. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now. He's ground you down to the point where you've accepted some awful behaviour as normal.

You and your dc deserve better thab this. Did you speak to Women's aid?

You are right. He is making me feel like I am being a bitch and I feel sorry for him. This is what happens every time. And then it will happen again. I do think he ends counselling though - he has got issues.

Sorry, meant 'needs counselling'

He does, you dont

He does need it. You don't. He will tell you he's going to get some. He won't. Despite what he says, he genuinely doesn't think he needs it.

Although it is against everything you know how to do (I understand, I really do) you need to stop thinking about how he is affected. HE has caused this. Not you.And he doesnt give you the courtesy. Why waste your love and energy and empathy on someone that doesn't do the same for you.

I know how it feels, I do. I still feel sorry for my ex. But he caused it. He knew how to fix it and didn't. This is because he is not the man that he gives you glimpses of to keep you there. He is the abusive bully that he is showing you.