It's the final straw but scared about splitting up

[Knackered123]

My OH has not come home after going out last night and promising with all his heart that he would be back at a decent time. He has done this before and convinced me he would never do it again. He goes drinking with his friends and gets too drunk to come home and ends up sleeping on someone's floor. Very mature. Last time he came back at 9.30am and was still drunk. I said I wouldn't put up with it again, and here we are, it's happened again.

He is a good dad and loves our 8month old very much. I want him to have a good relationship with his son, and do feel bad that he will not be able to see him very day, potentially. I am not even angry and don't want a fight, I just want to make positive steps today to move on from him.

This is not the only thing that is wrong with our relationship. He doesn't show any love and can be, quite frankly, a bully quite a lot of the time. And sometimes cruel to me. We argue a lot. It's very stressful and making me unhappy.

I don't want to leave my house or go and live with anyone else for a while - why should I!

Please could anyone suggest how I can go on from here and how I can build the strength to actually go through with it this time? I know in the long run I will be happier. Thank you.

I remember that feeling. In the end you have no more tears and no more anger to give. You just feel pissed off and sad. You deserve better.

mumof3, about doing things for yourself. I live in the netherlands now and there are people in extreme poverty here. But the agencies that help actually arrange every so often, once or twice a year, for these very hard-pressed women to go to an all day massage / beuaty / pampering thing

They do this because they've found that actually, they are better and stronger mothers for this tiny little pampering break every so often. Being the NL, I think they've actually done studies on it.

So looking after yoruself is a really good idea because it directly affects your children too!

It's the typical vicious circle isn't it. The main obstacle is trying not to give up when they try to make you feel sorry for them. I know that's what is happening right now in my situation.

But do you know what, they are grown men who have made their own bed and can look after themselves. They knew the consequences and we have given SO many chances, for years. And if they really want us back, they can bloody well try a lot lot harder (if that ever happens), as we deserve much better and appreciate what we have. I have given him so much of my time, love, care and attention and all I get is grief so I am sorry but I can't be arsed any more.

I have found that it really helping to have other stuff in my life to look forward too, and focus on that so that I don't feel like my head is full of the issues with oh.

Mammadigging I am really glad that you found happiness after your experiences and meerkat that's really interesting I had no idea.

How are things today Knackered?

It's a sorry state of affairs to be honest. He knows he has fucked up and probably regrets it. But he hasn't addressed it with me and and is trying to be nice to me and pretend that everything is normal. There is a sad feeling in the air.

I said I wanted to split up and that I was going to get some advice about how to go about this, (financially etc) and he said that I should just tell him about it when I had done it, rather than go on about it to him now, as I am always threatening him with this. Which is true, to be fair.

Have you heard from yours yet?

No nothing

Do you think yours thinks you are making empty threats?

I'm sensing a 'woe is me' vibe from oh aswell, I think.

Not sure, we both know that a line has been crossed this weekend, like there is no turning back from this.

This is like the straw that broke the camels back. He knows things are very rocky which is why to do something like this is like pressing the self destruct button. I'm starting to wonder if he did it deliberately. He knew it would cause fireworks.

Has yours ever done this before? Do you think he will be back at some point?

Hello knackered and mumof3. I just wanted to give you both my support. I am in a very similar situation too. At moment DP is doing the woe is me routine after coming home and verbally abusing me again and taking himself off to the sofa again. What an idiot, but I'm the fool.

He's done it before yes

He will be back if I allow it

I am certain he will try. Although may take a few days. He is clearly enjoying being young free and single despite the fact he actually has 3 dc

Daisee how long have you been with your dp? Do you have any dc?

Thanks for your message daisy, I hope you are ok?

Think I am going to go to my local citizens advice tomorrow, as a first step to trying to work out where I go from here, financially etc.

Mumof3, your are not thinking about letting him back are you?

I'm not no

But it has happened before

Laugh of the week though has to be him retweeting about how women should not use children as weapons

What a joke, and how immature. It's like playground stuff. He doesn't sound very nice. Are you going to say anything?

My oh has just sighed said to me, 'oh well, I fucked up, but I didn't exactly kill anyone did I'

I don't know where to start with that comment.

This is what he does, makes out I am being a totally unreasonable cow, which makes me feel bad. Which then in the past has weakened me so that I put up with further crap.

Having said that I could sense my feeling sorry for him side creeping in so that comment has now kicked that into touch -good.

No I am not after getting into an argument with him. Not worth it

Sounds like he wants one but you are definitely doing the right thing by not rising to it!

Yep

He is an idiot if he thinks I will

You'll know when you're really done with it all. For me it was when I stopped caring that he didnt 'get it'. For instance knackered, your convo with your oh about 'I didn't kill anyone'...I simply stopped having those convo's, stopped trying to make him see, stopped expecting him to see it all through my eyes and stopped expecting reasonable behaviour. They're not capable. It's so liberating coming to the point where you just don't want to put up with it or engage with their fuck-wittery anymore.

Basically, bottom line is they're very unreasonable people who think its acceptable to behave in an unreasonable manner time and time again. Stop trying to reason with them, seriously.

Ps- citizens advice was ok but I found a free consultation with a family solicitor much more useful.

Mammadiggingdeep has it spot on. These men have norespect for you. It takes some longer than others but at some point we all come to the realisation that actually no matter what we do they will NEVER change.

We hope, we try changing ourselves in some way or other. But ultimately they play with your emotions and fill you with false promises until they do it all again.

In Bancroft's book, he says something along the lines of he'll be up to his old tricks before your bunch of sorry flowers from the last episode have wilted.

I just hope you get out before too much damage to yourself esteem has been done.

CItizens advice are great to let you know what you might be entitled to etc, but I agree that half an hour with a solicitor would be better.

Threats don't work with these abusive bullies. Has anything else??

They are inherently not good people. They're not going to change. You're not even receiving a proper apology. Such a sad lack of any respect for the person they are supposed to love and are bringing up their children. Who do they think they are? They should not be so lucky to have you.

Their loss and THEIR fault!!

Exactly this ^ well put.

OP it's worth trying to analyse that feeling a little so you can get to the bottom of why it's worked on you in the past. Why is it you feel sorry for him when he says these things? What feeling of guilt or 'how things should be' is it setting off?

Re the 'didn't exactly kill anyone' comment, How immediate reaction would be 'Is that the standard you want to live by, no one died so it's ok? I want to aim a bit higher than that' - however I can see that leading to sighs about how he tries but just can't meet your impossibly high standards . So I think for any 'I fucked up, BUT..' comment I would just respond to the first bit and say 'Yeah, you fucked up' and then nothing.

Hello everybody, it's all very familiar. I have 3 dcs , we've been together 15 years. So yes, he will keep doing it if you let him. Mamma I'm at that point today, what is the point in even mentioning his twattish behaviour last night. He just keeps trying to do things, makes me sick.

Yep. If you're truly at that point then the next thing you'll probably start doing is putting the energy/emotion/time you would put into the relationship and him into you and your possible exit. I told him it was over and then spent every evening for a few weeks in my bedroom thinking and reflecting in it. I discussed it with a few friends, then I went to see the solicitor. It was so refreshing to be thinking purely about me and not the relationship and him/his needs/his moods. Haha, quite ironic, must be what it's like to be an arse like them- only thinking of themselves. Even now, over a year down the line I sometimes try to discuss things about the kids etc and he'll be the most unreasonable arse. I just leave the convo, detach again and remind myself of my mantra "you can't be reasonable with an arsehole. Waste of breath."

That will be my fluckwittery defence mantra. When I see that look, smell that alcohol or bizarrely see him wringing his hands I will think "you cant reason with an arsehole" lol