It's the final straw but scared about splitting up

[Knackered123]

My OH has not come home after going out last night and promising with all his heart that he would be back at a decent time. He has done this before and convinced me he would never do it again. He goes drinking with his friends and gets too drunk to come home and ends up sleeping on someone's floor. Very mature. Last time he came back at 9.30am and was still drunk. I said I wouldn't put up with it again, and here we are, it's happened again.

He is a good dad and loves our 8month old very much. I want him to have a good relationship with his son, and do feel bad that he will not be able to see him very day, potentially. I am not even angry and don't want a fight, I just want to make positive steps today to move on from him.

This is not the only thing that is wrong with our relationship. He doesn't show any love and can be, quite frankly, a bully quite a lot of the time. And sometimes cruel to me. We argue a lot. It's very stressful and making me unhappy.

I don't want to leave my house or go and live with anyone else for a while - why should I!

Please could anyone suggest how I can go on from here and how I can build the strength to actually go through with it this time? I know in the long run I will be happier. Thank you.

Just because it comes out of his mouth doesn't mean it's the truth. Just because it comes out of his mouth doesn't mean it's fact. Just because it comes out of his mouth doesn't mean it's right, fully or partially.

What is coming out of his mouth is one biased perspective - his. He's narrating the situation in his own warped, way .. and by listening to it you are allowing him to undermine you, erode your confidence, make you doubt yourself, make yourself wonder if perhaps there is some truth in what he says, and so on.

But all that is coming out of his mouth are words. That's all they are. Words designed to hurt, destabilise, and undermine you. Words designed to make you doubt yourself. Words designed to sap your resolve and strength. You pay far too much attention to what he says and you give him far more credence than he deserves .. and in doing so you handing him power on a plate. He uses his words (and mannerisms, expressions, behaviours etc) to have power over you. That's how he's always done it and he's doing it still and you my love, are letting him.

By refusing to engage, by refusing to discuss and most importantly by refusing to listen ... you are denying him that power. Close your ears, walk away, don't respond, don't discuss, don't engage.

Can I just ask also .. are you still sharing a bed with him? If so, please stop immediately.

It sounds as if you had a nice day until he opened his mouth.

Again, he is using tactics to punish you and to keep you under his control. Anything that you do that is outside of those boundaries will get a host of different reactions designed to punish you or keep you under his control.

You need to end this relationship and soon.

Everyone enjoyed the party, you achieved this, it made you feel good. Happy. You're not supposed to feel good or happy, especially at the moment. As that means he is losing control. He can control you though fear. Make you doubt your parenting skills. Doubt that your family can provide the support you will need. Doubt your ability to achieve anything, no matter if it's organising a party, or making a better life for yourself with out him.

Gaslighting or gas-lighting[1] is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.[2] Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

Sound familiar? It might sound extreme, but make no mistake. This is what he has done to you over this party.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

Everyone did enjoy the party and your initial reaction was correct. He was deliberately trying to make you doubt yourself because he is a nasty person who wants to make you feel unhappy. All these moments he made are aimed at manipulating you.

I hope you can leave soon now. You need to get away from this man. He is playing with your mental health for his own benefit.

Hello Knackered and others

It's me mumof3

I fell weak and let him back. Two weeks later same again. Why am I just not strong?

You're not weak love. You're a decent person who loves him. You are making a mistake though. You're making the same mistake I did for 8 years. You keep expecting him to act in a decent way. Some people do not have the same heart as you. They have different standards, different morals. He won't treat you the way you want to be treated. He's incapable.

Do you want to be feeling the same in a years time? 5 years? Only you can change it. Please dig deep. The idea of itus worse than the reality.

You are strong. I'm actually of the opionion that it takes a strong person to be with men like this cos I can assure you life without them is a million times easier.

I learnt on the Freedom programme that it takes abused women on average 7 times to leave before the successfully do, so don't beat yourself up about it. You are sadly far from alone on that point.

Don't be hard on yourself. You tried again. You know now once and for all that things will never change so you can make a more informed decision this time.

What are your plans now?

mumof3 I don't believe it makes you weak either.
You just want so much for him to realise and change and you think if you give him enough chances that he will.
Well.... now you know he won't!
But this is YOUR normal. Everyone has a different 'normal'.
You've put up with so much over so many years.
Maybe this is now the final straw, maybe not.
This is your life and you have to play it out as you see fit.
If it's another 2 chances after this, then that's OK as well.
You know from your journey and that of many others that they absolutely WON'T change.
They just can't.
You will realise eventually that you are worth so much more than what he is giving you.
And you will end it. And you WILL be happier and calmer. And life will be good for you.
But only YOU can draw that line and only YOU can end it properly.

I don't even think I do love him .....

I think I take him back through convenience and routine ......

What is 'convenient' about this man?

Not having to share dc
Not having to deal with the crap I will get if we ever make the full and complete separation

Maybe convenient isn't the right word

I just read the whole thread from my first comment.

It would be nicer to know how you ladies are doing. I have to say, it's so depressing in a way reading about the behaviour of your "D"h's. Their behaviour is just so atrocious, so unbelievably entitled and selfish, and just generally outrageous. If I saw any member of my family treating their wife like this I would probably slap them in the face.

Mumof3 - I find it strange that you can cope for weeks on end without him, and not miss him at all, but then still be taken in by a few nice words. I don't think it's weakness, but with that amount of separation, what makes you decide to take him back?

Would it be better if you simply moved, and gave him contact with the children through a third party? That way he wouldn't be able to contact you.

I can't imagine what he has been saying to you so that he could justify completely abandoning his family for weeks.

You can obviously manage without this man - but you need to actively throw him out rather than just waiting for him to decide to go off on one of his "holidays". And you really, really need to tell people that it's over and get legal help very quickly. That way you can tell him to send any communication to your solicitor and not to you. If he contacts you then you can set up an anti harassment order.

Me moving isn't really an option at the moment

I think part of me doesn't want to face telling family etc that it's over

Cba with pity or judgement

We were meant to get married next year

If you're not married. That should make it easier. I understand that you don't want to tell family because that will make it all real.

Living with someone like this saps all your energy and confidence. I know how hard it is but when you make the decision to actually get away from him I promise the energy and confidence will come back quicker than you think.

Think of the person you were before you met him. That's the person you could be again and your dc would get to have that person as their mother.

Life is so short. It's not worth spending it with a man that you don't love that treays you and your dc badly. It really isn't.

Would it have to be you that moved? Can you not ask him to leave?

Hi 3pigs - Is there a reason why you wouldn't want to tell your family that it's over? Are they particularly traditional?

What is your relationship with your parents like? If it's a good relationship, then think about your own children. How would you feel in one of them was staying in relationship like yours simply because they were too ashamed to tell you that it was over? Wouldn't that be absolutely heartbreaking?

And if you have a bad relationship with your parents - well if a vase has already got great big chunks missing out of it and is falling apart, it's not going to matter if the damn thing just shatters. It's not like it was functioning to begin with!!

If the problem really is opening up to your family, perhaps you could take a bandage approach. Rather than waiting for the next cycle to happen and for him to disappear, just take the children to your family and just tell them everything. Blurt it out. Don't give yourself a chance to think about it.

If they are even remotely decent people they will be horrified, and will do everything they can to help you. And I think that's what you're missing at the moment - some sense of approval from your family that it's okay to want to be treated better than this.

I won't be leaving. It will be him. Everything is in my name. He also couldn't afford to live here without me.
They aren't traditional I just cba with the pity party.

3pigs - I'm really trying to understand. So you take this pathetic excuse of a man back into your life each time, purely because you want to avoid a pity party from your family?

You have everything in your name, it sounds like your family would be supportive, albeit a little ott in their support, and would be able to give your dc's much more stability than a life where their father just comes and goes as he pleases.

So...what on earth is stopping you?

God only knows

Honestly- tell your family. Their reactions will surprise you. I dreaded telling mine but they were fantastic. No pity and no judgement.

Feel the fear and do it anyway!!

If you can't find the strength to do it for youself. Do it for your kids. By growing up in this environment, this is what you are teaching them a relationship is supposed to be and they will end up in similar relationships.

You and your dc deserve to be happy. Justkick him out.

If you dont want a pity party, just tell everyone that and you don't want to talk about it. You don't have to.

Just move on to a better life. Surely anything is better than the idea of being in this same position in a year or two. And in the meantime your dc have to live with it too.

I agree about the kids angle. I couldn't bear it when my ex came in at 6am, pissed after my 2 year old had been up for twenty minutes. When they saw him ignoring me...etc etc.

Come on- you can do it, you owe it to your dc to find the strength.

I know I owe it to my dc and to myself

I'm really going to try

The best thing you can do is keep busy. Just kick him out and then make plans for yourself and the dc that keep you busy.

Then by the time you've stopped being busy you'll be used to him not being there and will be able to look back at how much better life has been without him.

Plan some days out with the kids. Book a hair cut or a massage. If you've got the funds try and book a last minute holiday. Anight out wiwith the girls. Go visit relatives you've not seen on a while. Book a ticket to see a band or a comedian. Give yourself things to look forward to that don't include him. Anything that will make you think about yourself and your dc instead of him.

The best thing you can do is exercise. A pain to make time to do but will 100% make you feel better.

Can we help?

3pigs - I mean this kindly, but this I think it might be helpful to change your mindset. If you think "I am going to try" that implies the strong potential for failure. As if from the beginning you acknowledge that you will probably back down.

It would be more helpful to think of it along the lines of "I am going to do this". With that there is no get out clause in your brain. There is no get out clause for when it gets a bit hard. There is a stupid tag line for one of my workout videos, but I think it gets the point across well.

Decide

Commit

SUCCEED.

There is no "try". There is "doing".