Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's the final straw but scared about splitting up

337 replies

Knackered123 · 09/08/2014 07:35

My OH has not come home after going out last night and promising with all his heart that he would be back at a decent time. He has done this before and convinced me he would never do it again. He goes drinking with his friends and gets too drunk to come home and ends up sleeping on someone's floor. Very mature. Last time he came back at 9.30am and was still drunk. I said I wouldn't put up with it again, and here we are, it's happened again.

He is a good dad and loves our 8month old very much. I want him to have a good relationship with his son, and do feel bad that he will not be able to see him very day, potentially. I am not even angry and don't want a fight, I just want to make positive steps today to move on from him.

This is not the only thing that is wrong with our relationship. He doesn't show any love and can be, quite frankly, a bully quite a lot of the time. And sometimes cruel to me. We argue a lot. It's very stressful and making me unhappy.

I don't want to leave my house or go and live with anyone else for a while - why should I!

Please could anyone suggest how I can go on from here and how I can build the strength to actually go through with it this time? I know in the long run I will be happier. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Knackered123 · 10/08/2014 08:49

What are you going to do mumof3?

Didn't sleep in other room last night as bed not set up but will do that today.

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 10/08/2014 08:57

Sad though it is splitting from the father of your children because they only have one dad. Living with resentment because they aren't being rhe husband/father, they should be is so much harder.

The idea of splitting from my husband was so unfathomable to me ( I grew up in a Catholic household, none od my relatives have divorced). I always thought I could fix him. He had a loving wife and 2 gorgeous ds and some day he would just get it and step up and be a good Dad and husband but there comes a point in time when something happens when you just realise enough is enough and you are doing ALL the work and they are never going to change however much you want them too.

They know they can get away with this crap because we don't leave, so there's never any consequences for their actions so they know they can get away with it.

Ultimately we stick around for the man they should be, the man we want them to be, the man they have the potential to be, not the man they actually show us they are.

It's the hardest decision in the world but it's the right one. I eventually left because I realised by staying, I'm showing my dc this example of a relationship. I don't want 2 women on here in 20 years time talking about my dc because of the way they believe a relationship should be.

It's sad that I made rhe decision for my kids rather than myself, because it's sad to show what I would put up with. I'd obviously had my self respect grouns down so much by this man to think that it was acceptable enough to stick around. But I would do anything to ensure my kids habe rhe best life that I can possibly provide and sadly that is a life seperated from their details father.

I know now it is not my fault. I did EVERYTHING I could. But I couldn't change him. It really is his loss. And he knows it. But even though I am now looking after his baby and toddler by myself, with no family support (what in my head seemed like an unmanageable task) I realised I was doing it all by myself anyway, just now I'm not filled with resentment and therefore a happier and better mother dor my gorgeous dc.

Saddest decision I have ever made but the right one. I know now, he will never change. He is too selfish and entitled.

Mumof3xox · 10/08/2014 08:57

Carry on with my life

He's a dick and not worth my time

ilovelamp82 · 10/08/2014 08:59

Sorry for all the mistakes

penguinplease · 10/08/2014 09:08

Knackered, I was you 10 yrs ago. I also never saw it through and wasted a further 5 yrs putting up with being treated badly as I loved my house etc.
Don't sleep in the same bed or sit around rolling your eyes. Make a change, you will regret it if you don't.

Original poster
Knackered123 · 10/08/2014 09:12

Thank you for sharing that ilovelamp. Sorry you had to go through that but you are absolutely right to do what you did and you are clearly a strong intelligent person. It rings true with me aswell in so many ways.

Ultimately I think we can't rely on anyone to make us happy. If we do we only end up being disappointed and I think we should try and be more selfish (ie. do things that make US happy), so that we are happier mums for our kids sake, and if anyone does do something to make us feel happy then it is merely a bonus rather than something we should expect. Just realised that sounded a bit harsh!

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 10/08/2014 09:22

Not harsh at all!! Incredibly insightful. It took me until after I split to realise that I had spent the last 10 years letting him occupy all my head space. My h wasn't nasty all the time. But I didn't realise I was spending all my time avoiding and negotiating his moods. Doing or not doing things with him in mind in order to make sure the time we spent together was happy family time. ( if only he'd put in half that effort we would have had an amazing marriage.

You're one step ahead of where I was when I left. It had been 10 years since I got to decide exactly what I wanted to do for ME. I spent so long putting him first it took a while to get into the swing of things. It made it all the more apparent what I had put up with. When he met me I was so strong willed, independent, fun and outgoing. All things he just sapped out of me. But I'm gaining it back bit by bit.

Honestly the amount of head space these 'manchilds' take up is unreal. Shame they don't give us 10% of the same headspace. We are the mothers of their children. It's awful. And sadly more common than I was even remotely aware of.

Original poster
Knackered123 · 10/08/2014 09:47

I identify with this completely. I have spent a lot of time thinking it's my fault, I need to try harder to be a good partner so that he will appreciate me and things will be happy between us. Why the f** should I! I will work on being a better happier person but certainly not for him.
God knows, they (not all, I know there are men out there who are not like this) are so selfish themselves. The difference is, if we do decide to be a bit selfish it would not be to the detriment to anyone else's happiness because we are sensitive to that. In fact making other people happy makes us happy. Unlike them.

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 10/08/2014 10:07

Exactly!!! It's a sad life lesson. Because we are nice normal people we see the best in everyone. It's hard to realise that not only is everyone not like that but that there are people that tell us they love us that actually take advantage of that. Horrible.

Be good to yourself. Book yourself a hair cut, a massage. Whatever your tipple. Get a girl's night out organised or a weekend away. Anything for you. Don't feel guilty about it. You are due!!!!

I'm sure he would do any of those things without a second thought. We just need to learn to to as well. (Although I still feel pangs of guilt when doing anything for me - especially if it's without the kids) but I realise that a break away from responsibility whether it be for an hour to get my hair cut, have a long bath or a night out are a necessity to making me a better mother. Again a hard thought to gety head around but so incredibly true.

Be good to yourself. You deserve it!!

ilovelamp82 · 10/08/2014 10:10

Also read Lundy Bancrofts "why does he do that?" I think you'll read all about your OH in there. It's quite an eye opener.

Well done OP. Not to sound cliché but today is the first day of the rest of your life. What do YOU want to do with it?

Original poster
Knackered123 · 10/08/2014 10:19

So so true. Going to book that pedicure today! We definitely shouldn't feel guilty at all for treating ourselves because, you are right, at the end of the day it makes us feel happier and stronger not just for ourselves but for our children. I want ds to draw inspiration from me, not worry about me (like I did about my mum when I was younger). God listen to me do I sound really over the top.

Just read about that book on amazon it looks excellent, thank you. Just wish they had it as a kindle version too! Lol

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 10/08/2014 10:23

Good for you. You definitely don't sound over the top! You sound like a very intelligent woman. You are taking experience from your past to understand the effect that it had on you to ensure your children have the best life you can provide for them. Good for you. You sound like a great mother and your children are lucky to have you.

ilovelamp82 · 10/08/2014 10:27

How are you Mumof3?

Original poster
Knackered123 · 10/08/2014 10:27

Flipping heck now I am getting emotional. Lol. Thank you!

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 10/08/2014 10:28

Ilovelamp...your post sounds exactly like my experience. So well articulated.

Glad you're happier now, me too. Life was much harder before.

ilovelamp82 · 10/08/2014 10:38

That's great to hear mammadiggingdeep. I'm so glad a place like Mumsnet exsists. It's sad to think of how many women out there dealing with so much shit from their partners and just accepting it out of some sense of duty or misguided hope that things will get better.

It's great that Mumsnet is a platform for real women with real life experiences are there to let each other know that actually "that's not right, you deserve better".

It's so hard to see when dealing with it by yourself. Often we minimise things and don't tell people the day to day things in real life because we want to present a different front to the people around us.

We deserve better ladies, as do our children. If our OH's won't do it for us, we'll do it ourselves. And if somewhere down the line we meet someone else who wants to treat us the way we should be treated then that's lovely, but not necessary.

Llareggub · 10/08/2014 10:40

At the start you mentioned something about being on your own and being worried about that.

I'm a single parent with two children. Our lives haven't changed that much - my exH is an alcoholic and pretty absent. I'm 2.5 years post separation and I am so much happier. Life gets easier as the DCs get older too - my eldest is 7 and he made us breakfast this morning and I even get the odd lie in if I put on the play station (it's in my room!)

Financially obviously you have to budget hard, but because I am solely responsible for this I actually find we are better off. I am much, much happier.

Mumof3xox · 10/08/2014 10:49

Im not too bad

I am kept busy by 3 dc and a messy house!

mammadiggingdeep · 10/08/2014 10:52

Ilovelamp...

So true. I often encourage rl friends to look here. I wish I'd had it in my life sooner to be honest. I've had such great inspiration and advice here.

ilovelamp82 · 10/08/2014 11:21

Have you heard from him at all mumof3? Have you definitely decided it's over? Do you have family close by? Will he try to come back to the house do you think?

Mumof3xox · 10/08/2014 11:26

Not heard from him no

Pretty sure it's over

My family are good but haven't spoken to anyone in rl about it all yet

I imagine he will come around briefly later to see kids briefly and get more clothes

mammadiggingdeep · 10/08/2014 11:27

Mumof3...
Is there a good mate that could come over and be with you today? Just talk about it for a bit?

Hugs x

Mumof3xox · 10/08/2014 11:29

Honestly I'm alright

Been here so many times it's not even bothering me much now tbh

Original poster
Knackered123 · 10/08/2014 11:57

Do you feel that this is a turning point for you now though mumof3? I hope so.

OP posts:
Mumof3xox · 10/08/2014 12:05

I do

But I have before tbh

And then I have felt so sorry for him I have agreed to try again and he's made loads of effort for a while ........ and then back to this

Swipe left for the next trending thread