It's the final straw but scared about splitting up

[Knackered123]

My OH has not come home after going out last night and promising with all his heart that he would be back at a decent time. He has done this before and convinced me he would never do it again. He goes drinking with his friends and gets too drunk to come home and ends up sleeping on someone's floor. Very mature. Last time he came back at 9.30am and was still drunk. I said I wouldn't put up with it again, and here we are, it's happened again.

He is a good dad and loves our 8month old very much. I want him to have a good relationship with his son, and do feel bad that he will not be able to see him very day, potentially. I am not even angry and don't want a fight, I just want to make positive steps today to move on from him.

This is not the only thing that is wrong with our relationship. He doesn't show any love and can be, quite frankly, a bully quite a lot of the time. And sometimes cruel to me. We argue a lot. It's very stressful and making me unhappy.

I don't want to leave my house or go and live with anyone else for a while - why should I!

Please could anyone suggest how I can go on from here and how I can build the strength to actually go through with it this time? I know in the long run I will be happier. Thank you.

Exercise? Far too tired for that lol

I can imagine but I promise it will give you more energy. Even just stick a 20 minute yoga lesson on you tube.

There is a lot to be said for getting your endorphins going even though it's the last thing you want to do.

A good brisk walk blows the cobwebs away I always think :)

Hello 3pigs and everyone. How are you today 3pigs?
I agree with the others you ARE strong. You can manage without him. Not only that but you will be happier without him. The fact that he has let you down again shows what a total arse he is. He will never change. It's all his fault.

Re: telling your family. I know how you feel. I was very apprehensive about involving mine as they can get quite dramatic and 'blamey' sometimes so I wonder if it is worth it. Thought they would be massively disappointed. However I confided in my mum this week and she was supportive and said she was proud at how adament I was being. I don't want them to pity me because there is no need. I am now taking control of things!
I think she is relieved tbh as could see the pattern and how unhappy he was making me. Your family sound as if they really do care about you and by confiding in them that might actually give you the impetus and support to actually kick this bastard into touch for good this time.

I am still living with my oh at the moment and I can feel his power over me diminishing by the day. I think he feels it too. He isn't being too horrible. Just really moaning and negative and trying to crush my spirit. I am just rising above it. I told him he is abusive and should really sort it out. And now he keeps saying 'was that abusive, what I just said?' Or 'am I being a bully by pointing that out?' So he just doesn't get it. He said he wants to fix things but I'm no way pandering to it this time.
We have agreed to have a break from each other so as soon as I go back to work, which is very soon, he said he will move out and I have both his and my family supporting me in that too which I am grateful for.
We have got financial practicalities to think of. He keeps trying to stall me going back to work though so not sure how it will pan out when push comes to shove.
There has been a really massive fall out between him and his family too over this which is a whole other story!

So where is your oh at the moment, has he buggered off to his parents again?

Btw, when I say 'have a break' that's what I am telling him to get him to bugger off. But in my mind I know it will be for good.

Good for you Knackered123, you probably don't realise this but there is positivity & strength in your posts now, it shows how far you have come already.

Handholding from me too I told my stbexh last night that it was definitely over. He cried and shouted and called me names. The latter was what shows me I am right. If someone left me I would cry but I wouldn't shout at them?

I did this before and then solicitor told me I would lose house and I couldn't go through with it. It's taken me another 6'months to come to terms with that and to the realisation I desperately want to live alone with dd.

Wobbling today as he is being nice but I have logged all his rants over last 6 months in my phone- he has ranted at me on 23 separate occasions - not rows, just me being shouted at sometimes in front of dd.

Yes it's hard to leave. Sigh.

One of the things which keeps me resolute is the determination to regain control over how I feel each day.

Like I can have a good day, maybe dd comes out of school grumpy, I m having a good day so,I try and cheer her up, she doesn't call me names or shout at me in a personal way and so she doesn't bring me down, I am still having a good day.

Maybe another driver cuts me up, i feel momentarily cross but then revert to good day feeling.

Then fw comes home and he's had a bad day, someone's annoyed him or something- bang no longer am I allowed to have a goo day- he won't stop until I am in tears and my day is ruined.

That's why we have to keep on with this! Normal people do not ruin other peoples days, if I had a bad day I might come home, have a glass of wine, moan about my bad day but certainly not be horrible to anyone else?

Hello ladies

Thank you for the support

It's good to hear you are going strong Knackered!

I feel better today

More in control

Really glad to hear that 3pigs :)
Sus14, I really relate to your experience and good for you for keeping positive. It's amazing how these men share so much of the same traits.
Mine will get angry at me at almost any opportunity - whether he is stressed/tired/worried.. Even when I am not well or hurt myself (because I have 'stressed him out') any excuse.. In the past I would have been sympathetic and just thought oh well it is just his way of coping - I should try and be more supportive.
But you are right, we don't do that and why should we put up with it.

Op can I ask why you are still living with him if you decided to split nearly a month ago? Is that not prolonging it More then needed? Thinking of you x

hello Knackered123 and Mumof3xox ( 3pigsinablanketandasausagerole)
it's coming up to a year now since we were all going to make the break from our abusive plonkheads and I am so much better for it since I have. Just wondered how you are doing? This thread and all the women who came to support you Knackered123 ,helped me a lot as well so thanks to you all :)