It's the final straw but scared about splitting up

[Knackered123]

My OH has not come home after going out last night and promising with all his heart that he would be back at a decent time. He has done this before and convinced me he would never do it again. He goes drinking with his friends and gets too drunk to come home and ends up sleeping on someone's floor. Very mature. Last time he came back at 9.30am and was still drunk. I said I wouldn't put up with it again, and here we are, it's happened again.

He is a good dad and loves our 8month old very much. I want him to have a good relationship with his son, and do feel bad that he will not be able to see him very day, potentially. I am not even angry and don't want a fight, I just want to make positive steps today to move on from him.

This is not the only thing that is wrong with our relationship. He doesn't show any love and can be, quite frankly, a bully quite a lot of the time. And sometimes cruel to me. We argue a lot. It's very stressful and making me unhappy.

I don't want to leave my house or go and live with anyone else for a while - why should I!

Please could anyone suggest how I can go on from here and how I can build the strength to actually go through with it this time? I know in the long run I will be happier. Thank you.

He needs to move out, get counselling and his shit together and control his drinking before he engages in a relationship with you or anyone.

He will NEVER change. You will always be in this situation. Always. Fucking hell, I am so angry on your behalf.

DO NOT put up with his selfish prick entitled behaviour! Be strong OP - he will never change. Ever.

I have experience!

You say that he isn't always like this and is nice sometimes but you also seem to have been on the brink of splitting up many, many times before.

That isn't how a good, healthy, loving relationship should be. Of course no relationship is perfect but it really shouldn't be this hard. You deserve much, much better and your DS deserves to grow up in a much healthier atmosphere without these constant threats of break up.

You sound so unhappy with him and it seems like the only reason that you stay is fear of leaving after having been together for years. But if you stay you know it isn't going to get any better. It might improve for a week or maybe a month but you know deep down that it isn't really going to get better.

He is bound to say that it isn't all him and start listing things that you have done that have made life difficult for him. He will rewrite history to make himself look better and pass the blame onto you. Don't let him make you doubt yourself or feel that you owe him another chance. You owe yourself another chance at a happier life.

He is in panic mode, lashing out one minute and promising to get help the next. None of it is genuine or a sign of love and respect for you, it's all damage limitation and shifting the blame.

Hello Knackered, sorry your having such a rough day. Did you sort out the spare room to sleep in?

Just imagine another 15 years with him? How would that feel? If you had to answer 'yes' or 'no' to staying with him forever what would the answer be? These are the questions my friend asked me and I knew in my heart I couldn't stay with him.

He is making you doubt yourself. Detach from him if you really want out. Find out what tax credits, maintenance and benefits you would be entitled to as a single claimant. He probably won't leave so you might have to look into you leaving. It seems a massive step but take a bit at a time and if you want help you have friends here who will guide you through it.

Stay strong.

Thank you everyone for all your comments x in the past I would have just succumbed and carried on with all the crap but I feel this is giving me ammunition now that I haven't had before.
The thing is, it is easier to stay and get on with it but in the long run I will continue to be unhappy. It's true he will never ever change because he doesn't understand what he has done wrong.
We have reached a stalemate - he doesn't understand me and I don't understand him. There is nothing more to say.
He bought me a little present today - something that would have been so lovely if it was in nice circumstances, but the only time I ever get anything from him is if he has fucked up in some way. So I don't even want it.
Everything feels so different now, Its so sad that it's going to be over.
Have had a bad day today but going to make some progress tomorrow and call solicitors etc.

Mumof3, how are you? Any news from your oh?

He has had the children to day while I was at work. We have said about ten words to each other and that is all

Did you talk about the situation or was it just general?

General

How were kids? Etc

The way you're feeling now ladies is probably the worst you will feel. Once you take some control of the situation, I promise, things are easier.

Hugs if you want them.

or for you x

If my situation continued like this I would be fine

It will be when the begging starts I loose it

It's easier when they are not around isn't it. Stay strong too mumof3. Like mine, he has a chance to make amends but he is choosing not too. Thanks Mammadigging and everyone else. I've got my !

No wine for me

Off to bed!

Shattered and going to starfish!

Night all x hope you have a better day tomorrow mumof3. And thanks for your message about woman's aid ilovelamp, going to give them a call tomorrow.

You can't reason with an arsehole

I wish if left my alcohol ex sooner
It just got worse. In the end I kicked him out when I had a 3 yr old and a 6 month old. The sense of relief was immense.
I think that resenting him was so emotionally draining that I hadn't realised, so yes it was hard work on my own with two little ones, but I knew it was just me.

You are all doing so well, don't drag it out. You might meet someone who truly cares about you, or you might spend a while enjoying being on your own. Whichever, you'll be happier than now

Morning all

So morning number 4 and still no begging for forgiveness texts. Maybe he has lost the will too. Maybe he knows it's the final straw.

I'm glad of it anyway. Cba with the upset.

Planning a busy day today lots of things to sort around the house and may take dc to the park if it stays dry!

Yeah it's a blessing he is leaving you alone I think. Does that mean that he's going to let you stay in the house do you think?

Hope you have a great day with the kids :)

He has no choice re the house

He will know that for sure

Pleased you are staying positive mumof3 and sounds like you are starting to feel a bit happier anyway?
Mine is still about and it's really awful. He is making me feel so guilty. Said he is very depressed and not getting any support for this, and said he gave lots of support to me. So now starting to worry about him.
Said that our ds life is going to be ruined by this, and wait until I go back to work and I will feel more myself and things will be better.
He said what with this and pressures of work he is loosing the plot and admits he is lashing out at me.

He definitely seems to be loosing the plot.

Sounds like he needs to see his gp. You cannot cure his depression.

As for your little one, it would cause much more damage to him for him to grow up watching you be miserable and his father be a twat

I have realised recently that by having my dcs father show me so little respect, by him doing fuck all to help out I am setting my children an awful example of how a relationship should be

I don't want my daughter to grow up and end up like this

And I don't want my boys growing up and putting a woman through this

I know, you are right. Good for you for being strong that is definitely the right attitude. You are a great mum you have got 3 lovely kids in your life and the rest of your life to look forward too!

For the first time ever I think I know for sure that there is only one real solution and that is to leave the relationship.

I just can't get through to him - he doesn't get it. He doesn't understand why I am reacting like this and he is really making me feel bad about myself. He feels very hard done by and my softer side feels guilty.

It will be hell when we split up, I know it will, and I will feel really bad.

I am strong now

While he keep his distance

In the next few days he will start creeping

When do you plan to separate?

He is trying to blame you. Having depression or dealing with someone with depression does not make you abusive.

You have depression. Are you abusive to him. No! The rwo are not related. He's telling you he has depression. Are you being abusive to him. No! You are feeling sorry for him. The normal reaction. And he knows he can pull on your emotions to get you to stay.

You really need to stop communicating with him. He's really not telling tou anything for your own good.

Trying the use children to get you to stay is standard and awful. If he cared so much about his dc he wouldn't be abusive to their mother and want them to grow up walking on eggshells to avoid Daddy's moods.

I think you reallu need to detatch from this man.

If he was really concerned about having depression, he would go to the doctor and sort something out regardless of this situation. Not use it to keep you around.

He is not even addressing HIS awful behaviour. He is blaming you. And you being the nice normal person you are, are trying to sympathise and figure out a way to help him so you can stay together and be happy.

He will not change. Why would he. He gets his way.

Hey op, I just thought I'd reply. Your relationship sounds very similar to mine (I've NC for this). I'm actually just a week on from splitting up and I'm feeling so so awesome! I was devastated for a couple of days because it's such an upheaval. But, being honest with myself, now I've thought long and hard, I'm thinking woo hoo! I can do what I like now. I'm excited about the future. Each day I wake up it feels like Christmas.

It sounds horrible but I'm so happy. Our relationship has gotten so much better too. Now there's no pressure to pretend we love each other we just can talk. Much nicer.