It's the final straw but scared about splitting up

[Knackered123]

My OH has not come home after going out last night and promising with all his heart that he would be back at a decent time. He has done this before and convinced me he would never do it again. He goes drinking with his friends and gets too drunk to come home and ends up sleeping on someone's floor. Very mature. Last time he came back at 9.30am and was still drunk. I said I wouldn't put up with it again, and here we are, it's happened again.

He is a good dad and loves our 8month old very much. I want him to have a good relationship with his son, and do feel bad that he will not be able to see him very day, potentially. I am not even angry and don't want a fight, I just want to make positive steps today to move on from him.

This is not the only thing that is wrong with our relationship. He doesn't show any love and can be, quite frankly, a bully quite a lot of the time. And sometimes cruel to me. We argue a lot. It's very stressful and making me unhappy.

I don't want to leave my house or go and live with anyone else for a while - why should I!

Please could anyone suggest how I can go on from here and how I can build the strength to actually go through with it this time? I know in the long run I will be happier. Thank you.

He says his whole family knows about this now (because I confided in family member) and now his name is mud because of me. So his mum apparently want him to go home and tell him his side of the story. Because she thinks that there are two sides, it can't just be all him.

So basically that means he is going to go to his family this weekend and slag me off like you wouldn't believe.

Thanks holdthepage x

He says I am not understanding the pressures that he is under, it's been the hardest 8 months of his life and it's been very hard for him. I am not taking this into account, he says.
He has had to deal with me and my pnd, responsible financially for us, extremely stressful job etc etc and it's very tough for him. He said I haven't made an effort to loose weight and he feels he has to put up with that I am not making an effort for him. (Btw I have never been skinny but I am not that bad I don't think. At the moment a need to loose baby weight admittedly)
Maybe this is true and I am being a bitch to him, a part of me make me think this. If I just carried on as normal this would not be happening..

It is abuse, just him shouting at you.
Did the violence get reported to the police/on your GP file? Are you worried about him being physically violent?

Don't worry about his family thinking badly of you - that was kind of inevitable if they are the kind to take sides. However long term his Mum is going to have to be civil to you if she wants access to your children, or much access.

If you need to do call Women's aid for advice. However try to get to see a Solicitor ASAP, they will not laugh at you. I have a friend who works in family law and they are very well aware of who is being unreasonable.

You do not have to stay in a relationship with anyone. You will still have to stay in contact as you have a shared child, but that is all.

Thanks mummytime, feeling really bad today it's hard x

The other days our ds accidentally fell from his highchair under my watch and I felt so so so bad about it. Still do. I took him to the doctor and he was fine without a scratch on him thank goodness but he made me feel like I was a really bad mother and he whisked him upstairs and told me to stay away from his son. Made me cry.

Last night he said that it was 'disgusting' and I was 'neglegent' for allowing that to happen and that he would never do that himself.

My DC have all done things like fall from their highchair (at least one did and had a huge egg bump). They still tease me about how I slipped on the front steps and dropped the youngest into a bush as a baby - which of course "explains" everything.

He is being abusive - your son will get hurt on his watch - it happens to everyone. Please do talk to Women's aid - he is getting inside your head and sounds worse and worse.

Any sensible health professional/social worker would tell you that an incident like that is not "neglect" but normal family life. Keeping a child from their mother is not normal!

Knackered that sounds tough. He is escalating the abuse because it isn't working. He is out of control because you won't get back 'to normal'.

You need to get to see the solicitor soon so that you know how to approach keeping your house and getting him to move out.

If you feel that you are in any danger or that his anger may turn violent then have a chat with the domestic violence unit at your local police station. They will put a note on your address and if you need to call 999 they will respond quickly. Don't take any chances with your safety of that of your DS.

This abuse in not going to stop and it will get more and more unkind as he tries to find the words that strike through your strength and get you back where he wants you.

You need to see a solicitor soon.

The solicitor will not laugh at you or think that you are stupid. They will understand. Let them help you. Do you think you could call and make an appointment today?

Mumof3 and Suziki you both sound stronger than you probably feel right now.

Keep on keeping on.

Knackered. Please stop engaging in conversation with him. You will most definitely not be laughed out of a solicitors office. Please go and see one today.

If you reported it to anyone when he hit you then you would be entitled to legal aid.

This man is just awful. Please get you and your dc away from him as soon as possible.
Who cares what his family think. You don't need to see them ever again. And you know the truth. That is all that matters.

He is an abusive, violent, controlling bully. You do not owe him a relationship. A partner is supposed to be loving and supportive.

If a stranger called you names or hit you. You wouldn't try to find a way to work it out or listen to ridiculous excuses as to why it could be your fault. So why take it from your OH. Which is worse, because on one hand he tells you he loves you. The longer you stay with him, the more psychologically damaging it will be. As is evident because you are still listening to him as if anything he might say is valid. IT IS NOT!!!!

Don't worry about your ds falling. Things like that have happened to the best of us. You took him to the doctor to get him checked out and he's fine. You didn't inflict it on him. It was an accident. Your OH is in absolutely no position to judge parenting skills.

Please speak to a solicitor today. Maybe call women's aid again.

But PLEASE stop listening to him. Do not engage in conversation.

If he wants to tslk to you, let him text or email you. Then you might have proof of your abuse as grounds for receiving legal aid.

This for all you amazingly strong women.

When they insist we're just not good enough
Well we know better, just look 'em in the eyes and say
We're gonna do it anyway
Because there's
Something inside so strong
I know that I can make it
Though you're doing me wrong, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone, oh no
Something inside so strong

Well accidents are rather more likely to happen on your watch - because he only does about 1% of the childcare by the sounds of things. Children do have the occasional accident unfortunately that's perfectly normal. Read some of the "fallen down the stairs" threads! My DC has fallen off the bed a couple of times and once down the stairs. I think your partner is playing on your fears about custody if you do split. Don't let him - see a solicitor and you will get reassurance.

I was in your position not too long ago. I completely understand your dilemma and how trapped you must feel. I know it's not easy to end a relationship like this, particularly where there are children and shared property involved. I can't tell you any magic solution to take you to where you need to go. For me it was just a gradual journey and I eventually turned the corner with a lot of help from mumsnet, and from reading the websites and books the kind ladies on here recommended. One day it was just like a switch was flicked.

I left the family home with a carload of stuff one day when I knew my ex was going to be out. My life and DC's transformed immediately. We are still living with family but we've never been happier. Looking after DC is so much easier away from that horrible atmosphere and free from the need to give so much of my energy to ex.

The advice to give it another 3 months is not good advice. These men don't change. Get your DC out of there as soon as you possibly can. I promise your life will turn around the minute you cut loose this abusive man.

Listen to ilovelamp, wise words.

You have to stop listening. Everything he says is calculated to hurt, upset or confuse you. All he cares about is getting you back to where he wants you to be. It's all a pile of shit, the opinions of an abusive arsehole. None of it is fact.

Please don't waste your energy on going over and over every word he says. Look into that part of you that KNOWS what he really is and wants to get away from him. However small that part of you becomes at times, cling to it with all your might and know that you will be better without him.

Use your energy to move yourself forward.

The most important thing is to get some distance from him so you need to speak to a solicitor to see how you can make that happen.

Thank you everyone I appreciate your messages a lot. I need to stop talking to him as he keeps banging on about how we need to talk about this and I should realise that I am as fault as much as him. He says it is mainly his fault, admittedly, but I need to understand that I have made things hard for him too. I still don't know what that is, he won't explain it properly. I think it's mainly about the way I am being now.
I think that's why it's hard, because he is calling me saying things like 'let's talk and work it out' which is what you would do in a normal relationship, but I am being extreme in my response.
I am going to call a solicitor this afternoon..
Everything seems so weird right now.

Well done knackered. Just ignore him. Like you say, that's what you would do in a normal relationship. One where there is mutual respect. That is not the case here.

Stay strong. Things will be so much better when you get away from him I promise.

Oh op, who care what he thinks? He says you're fat-who cares?
He says he's stressed-who cares?
He says you are as much to blame in the break up-who cares?
He's going to slag you off to his family - again, who cares?
NOT YOU!
Stop communicating with him. Literally. No contact. Let him say/do what he likes. Not your problem any more, you have enough to do.
Hope the solicitor is helpful, and give you proper advice. Laughed out of the office? You should laugh at him, suggesting that! Arse.
And don't worry about ds fall-they all do it. My ds fell down the stairs at age about 1- rolled down, really. If the stair gate had been open at the bottom he'd have just rolled into the hall. Massive crash into the gate, lots of tears. He's 17 now and just got great AS level results (stealth boast!) So it hasn't harmed him!

Oh and he won't explain it properly because he can't explain it properly. You haven't done anything. He just wants you t I take some of the blame so you'll stay.

He has nothing to back it up, so he calls you fat. That's what a 5 year old does.

Just don't engage. You don't owe him explanations. You have told him you are no longer together therefore he is no konger entitled to anything from you.

You are doing great knackered.

When he says 'let's talk and work things out' don't tie yourself in knots trying to explain why you don't want to work things out or trying to justify yourself. Don't get dragged into it at all. He still believes that he can talk you round. But you know, deep inside you that this time he can't.

When you stop engaging with him he is going to start saying that he is trying to save your relationship and you are the one who won't make the effort to work things out. The breakup is all your fault. This won't be true.

You have to remain strong through this and remember that you (along with everyone here on this thread) know that your relationship is unhealthy and therefore not worth saving.

There are tough times ahead but once you get him out of that house it will get much, much easier.

Focus, focus, focus on what you need to do to get that house for you and your DS.

Thank you everyone I really mean that xxx

Having a better afternoon compared to this morning as I had my pedicure (shellac!) and having fun with my beautiful baby. He is being such a lovely boy today.
I am prepared for all these things that he is going to stay and going to be strong.
Read the first bit of that Lundy book and I can recognise a bit of him in pretty much every one apart from the Seargent major. But he is not all of one of them if you know what I mean x

Strong and focus focus on positive things!

Sorry your still having such a tough time Knackered.

The things he has said to you are cruel.

All children have accident by the way! And as another poster pointed out yes they are more likely to happen on your watch if you have him the majority of the time!

Did you phone a solicitor?

Thank you for all your support mumof3 knackdred ilovelamp and everyone else. Typi al isn't it saying but you did this that and the other zillipns of years ago. Knackered I used to be a domestic violencevsupport worker and it has happened to me before in another relationship so if you had any visible injuries when he hit you before and you saw your dr for e.g. that would count as evidence from a professional. However,not that I am at all anti-social workers,if you do report to police gp etc. They will make a referral tk social srtvices. This can be a good thing if you are aware of your rights and domestic violence procedure with social setvices as it will be supportive . It can br difgicult to as would mean that you will have a stauitory agency looking into your life wuth detail and you will be required to accommodate them with meetings and reports and carry out their recommendations. I have sern a lot of families get good help from social services but ehat I really would recommend is to grt in touch wigh your lical dv outreach service . You can find iut from the womensaid wrbsite or refuge.org.uk . It may vbe pissible for you to obtain a non-molestation order ( for him to keep away from you and your children anywhere) and occupation order ( for him to leave the house) once you have got advice relevant to your situation from a dv support worker ( IDVA for short these days I think) and reported incidents to the police. My previous experience of dv was more obvious and I didn't love him like I used to love my husband. I have been grueving the loss of my husband as I once knew him for the last year as things stRted changing for the worse sloely slowly and I have found it so hard to accept that this is actually hapoenningbut I am past the heartbreak. I still ferl betrayed deeply disappointed and sad that this is how it has ended up turning into and that he does not care fir mr anymore but I knos I csn make it and I don't need him or want him in my life. The old vrrsion of my husband would kill ghis onr for treating me like this. But the old vrrsion is gonr and he is not coming back so on I go without this cureent version.

Can I just say finding a group of ladies going through similar experiences has helped me lots!

Knackered he is trying to draw you in like evetyone else has said. If he does not like you the way you are,why does he hang around? These men are controlling insecure idiots that want make you like them. Keep cool stay detached. You deserve the best not this wishywashy half baked rotten treatment. You can be sure he will fall apart without you. But don't let that deter you or maje you feel guilty. He is -supposed to be-a grown up adult man so he can and should deal with the consequences of his actions amd not come crying back to you. They are toxic. Free your mind and you will be so much happier. Pleasr stay safe of course. Check out safety plan tips on womrns aid wrbsite. Stay strong you are stronger than you know.

Same here mumof3. This is what I call sistahood! Thank you for sharing your personal experiences everyone and for all of your support !

Definitely agree with that too mumof3!! Thanks for sharing that Suziki x it's so hard admitting that it's actually true, that is the bit I have struggled with the last few days. I am in shock, actually. Hope you are both ok, it's a bit of a roller coaster isn't it to say the least.

So tonight he got back at about 10.30pm and we did not speak. Then he retreated to the lounge while I stayed in the kitchen finishing clearing up. V awkward. Then I went into the lounge and he was looking extremely forlorn (still is) lying there with his head in his hands. I left it for a bit but then I couldn't help it, my heart strings went and I went in and asked him what was wrong - was it work? Can he tell me? He just said I don't want to talk to you and I said fine and walked out. Then I still felt bad and later on I asked him again, and he ignored me so I repeated myself and he just said 'I am very tired'. I know I shouldn't, but I feel so bad and I want to give him a hug and make everything ok. But I know he is horrible so that would not work.
Don't worry I am not going to do that!

I am defo going to call solicitors tomorrow. Promise.
Must go to bed now, goodnight x