It's the final straw but scared about splitting up

[Knackered123]

My OH has not come home after going out last night and promising with all his heart that he would be back at a decent time. He has done this before and convinced me he would never do it again. He goes drinking with his friends and gets too drunk to come home and ends up sleeping on someone's floor. Very mature. Last time he came back at 9.30am and was still drunk. I said I wouldn't put up with it again, and here we are, it's happened again.

He is a good dad and loves our 8month old very much. I want him to have a good relationship with his son, and do feel bad that he will not be able to see him very day, potentially. I am not even angry and don't want a fight, I just want to make positive steps today to move on from him.

This is not the only thing that is wrong with our relationship. He doesn't show any love and can be, quite frankly, a bully quite a lot of the time. And sometimes cruel to me. We argue a lot. It's very stressful and making me unhappy.

I don't want to leave my house or go and live with anyone else for a while - why should I!

Please could anyone suggest how I can go on from here and how I can build the strength to actually go through with it this time? I know in the long run I will be happier. Thank you.

It's part of your punishment for daring to have an opinion love. Don't be hurt - focus on the new you.

It's all part of the script.
Pretend he doesn't care.
Punishing you.
Then will come the anger.
Then the tears and begging.
Stay resolute you are doing amazingly well.

Hi Knackered
Have been feeling a bit low today too. While he was round seeing the kids he was on the phone at one point planning a night out laughing and everything.
Just feel like what a selfish fucker!

He's trying to wind you up. Until you actually leave he won't believe it. There's nothing he can say that will make you feel better. I wanted a sorry from my ex. I wanted him to acknowledge that this was all his doing and that he had done me wrong and I deserved an apology. When it finally came which was just recently, it didn't really mean anything. He is lonely, he has no friends and when he comes to visit the kids, he comes in to see a happy home and me happy. It's only just hit him what he has thrown away. I still feel sorry for him but it was all his doing and I know in my heart that even though he knows this, if I took him back he would never change and I don't want to put myself or more importantly my kids through that.

Stay strong. He knows that you are stewing over this because you are a normal nice person. He is not. I promise with all my heart that once you are rid of him life will only get better and better.

When he is not around to occupy any of your headspace, you'll be amazed at what you can achieve and the freedom of occupying your headspace entirely with you and your dc.

Mumof3 that scenario sounds so familiar it sounds just like something mine would do. It's like stupid playground tactics. And so childish.
Apart from that, has he started creeping back yet?

Hope you are feeling ok today. I was feeling low yesterday but also very tired so think that might have had something to do with it. Feel a bit less tired today. Up with ds as usual and got told by oh moodily to shut the door so that he could continue to sleep. Bastard.

Thanks ilovelamp, that's very encouraging and I can see how that would be true as already I feel much better when he is not around me with his negative aura.

So pleased you are happier now. Out of interest does your ex know that he is abusive? Has he realised that is why he lost everything?

I found out that there is a freedom programme being held locally to me starting soon, and very interested in that - I wondered if anyone had any experience of that?
I wondered if my experiences were bad enough to warrant going to something like that?
X

Yes, I went to the freedom programme and would definitely recommend it. I too wondered if my experience was bad enough but there is such a huge range of experiences there. You definitely won't feelout of place.

I pepersonally just appreciated being in a room full of people that just got it without having to explain anything. I had kept everything so hidden from my friends that when I did split with him everyone was so shocked because they thought he was "such a nice guy". I didn't want to spend my time justifying my decision or listen to them try and play devils advocate (as if I made the decision to kick my husband out and become a single mum to a 2 year old and a 5 week old on a whim). It's nice to be in a room full of women who understand. It also helped me to support other people in the same situation and has made me realise that I want a career change. I intend to become a qualified counsellor and hopefully volunteer with women's aid.

With regard to my OH understanding he's abusive. He is always insistent that he's not intentionally. I believe this in his case to a certain extent. I don't believe he wakes up in the morning and thinks "how can I piss off ilovelamp" I just believe he is selfish and entitled and will use whatever tried and tested methods he has for me to do what he wants.
I've explained to him that it doesn't matter whether he believes he is abusive. But his actions are abusive and how I feel as a result of his actions are abusive. He's starting to get his head around that.

Ilovelamp that's brilliant that you are planning to be a counsellor good for you and you will be so good that I know you will!!
I think that, like you, I will have people wondering why on earth I would leave oh when he seems like an ok person. But omg he is so horrible.

We had our family occasion and I felt very positive about it on the way home, thinking it had gone well and I pretty much single handedly organised the whole thing and put so much effort into it.

By the time I got home I felt so depressed. He picked and picked and picked about anything he could that was 'bad' about the whole thing. The main thing was he is annoyed about something my dad said that was out of turn and seemed to want to stick the knife in, even though I agreed with him earlier on that he should not have said that, and asked my dad not to bring it up today. Can we talk about it another time.
He knows I feel bad about that but it isn't my fault!!

My oh said he ruined the whole day and pretty much everyone knew about it and he had depressed him. I didn't think that it was that bad personally. I thought that everyone seemed to be having a nice time and we all left on good terms I felt happy.

Why why why is he such a miserable depressing negative critical bastard??
X

He just wants to drag you down Knackered, put you in your place. Ignore, ignore, ignore, you will soon be rid of this dead weight.

Thanks holdthepage, I just feel so upset and depressed now. He is calling my dad a c* and saying him and me and my whole family are weird and screwed up and he needs to get away.
He said he doesn't understand what he has done wrong. Even though he is saying the most upsetting things to me.
In he eyes HE is the hard done by one and he is giving me upmost grief for it. Why is he doing this?

I just feel so depressed he is so horrible

Because he is selfish and is not capable of thinking of anyone but himself. Don't let him bring you down. You said yourself that everyone had a good time. That is reality. Him telling you everyone didn't is his little warped world that he wants to drag you into. Don't let him. If he wants to moan, let him. Don't let it bother you. Don't antagonise him but let him see that it doesn't bother you.

In this one instance you can see how powerful emotional abuse is. They become the voice in your head. You thought everyobe had a nice time, he told you they didn't. You've spent so long listening to him that you doubt your own opinion in favour of his.

You know he's an emotional bully so believe and hold on to your own thoughts and let him play games with himself.

If he says he wants to leave, let him. Help him pack.

And thank you by the way :)

Thank you x I know you are right. He is blaming me and making me feel bad for my families actions. And feeling sorry for himself.
He says he doesn't know why I thought everyone had a good time, they clearly didn't.
He wants to know what he has done wrong, and why I am getting upset. He is very very confused and he has just said I am 'fucking messed up'.
I used to feel like this when I was a teenager. Just so confused and not worthy of anything good.

He says he is just being honest and that i should have sympathy for him

He says a lot of shit, doesn't he?

Yes. But does he?
Maybe he is right.
He is very good at putting his point across.
I think that he is possibly right, the day was ruined and everyone felt bad.
Now he is asking if I am ok.
I can't be doing with this anymore.

Just say that out loud to yourself. The person who is supposed to love you most in the world has called you a c*nt, fucking messed up and he is making you feel confused and worthless. This, not from your worst enemy, but from the man you were supposed to live the rest of your life with.

Do not listen to him. Just do not listen. Nothing, absolutely not one single thing that will come out of his mouth will be rational, reasonable or remotely repectful. Do not listen. Completely disengage. Nothing you say to him will make him default from his own twisted story line in which the world has done him wrong and you need to suffer the consequences.

You need to take all the energy that you are using trying to understand him and get him to understand you and use it to get the wheels in motion to get away from him.

He wants you to have sympathy for him????? I know how difficult it is for you being in the middle of it but from an outside perspective that is laughable. Has he shown you any sympathy for any of the things that he has ACTUALLY inflicted on you? Not some random thing that your Dad said that you have to now pay for.

What is your plan?

Trust us! He is NOT right. Do not trust this man with your emotional well being.

A normal decent person wouldn't tell you that people didn't have a nice time even if that was the case.

He is trying to confuse you and get you to feel sorry for him.

Please listen, he is not a good person. Please don't take anything that comes out of his mouth as worth listening to. Please stop listening to him.

Think of it this way. If he wasn't there today, would the day have been ruined? If he wasn't there now, would you be sitting there at 23:30 on a Sunday night wondering if the man that called the mother of his dc a c*nt is right and you are fucking messed up. No!!!!!!

One day soon you will be able to just go to bed at night, put your head on a pillow and go to sleep without having to go through your day trying to figure out your life through the eyes of someone so negative and damaging. I promise!!
I've suffered severe back and shoulder pain for 10 years. Constant chiropractors, physios and massages. The day after he left, the pain went and has not come back. It's unbelievable the impact living with someone like this can have on you. In ways that you're not even aware of and won't be until you leave him and start to rediscover your old self again. The person you were before you started listening to him.

He is saying that my dad is a wanker, he worries about our son, being brought up by me. He is going to be damaged apparently. He is expressing concern.
He says how dare my dad say those things.
He wants to know what my problem is. Why am I shouting at him?
I am not shouting at him btw. I am just getting upset at his nastiness.

The thing is, he seems genuinely hard done by himself,and says that i am the one with the problem.
I thought everyone had a nice time. Apparently they didn't. He wants me to get my head around that and is making out I am fucked up in the head.

I know I need to get away and leave this person. That is blatantly clear and now I can go full steam ahead.
I did feel very positive about this in the last few days as I don't care about him anymore.

I am just genuinely upset that he is saying that the day was shit when I tried so hard to make it nice for everyone and it meant to much to me that everyone enjoyed themselves.

I don't know what to do next. My gut reaction is to just leave, go, get away from him and never live with him again. I know I have to see him in the future because of ds.

But how? I was actually thinking about going to a refuge. I know it sounds extreme. But he did raise his fist the other day in an argument in order to frighten me.

I have to go to a solicitors as soon as I can. I need to get him to fuck off.

Thank yo ilovelamp x just seen your message and feel better x going to go to bed now and try and be positive. Hopefully will feel better tomorrow.

That's amazing that your back and shoulder pain went after leaving him. That says a lot!

I don't know what happened today but I would bet that everyone did have a nice time.

A refuge is not extreme in the slightest. It is there for people precisely in your position. If he raised his fist to you, call 101 and let them know that this has happened. Tell them that this is a volatile point in your relationship, that you are suffering from domestic abuse and would like them on stand by. They may even take him away and not let him in the house or near you and your dc. (Domestic abuse is all over the news at the moment because the police are starting to understand that emotional abuse is as damaging as physical abuse)

For tonight, can you get away from him to call 101? Call women's aid in the morning and they will give you all the information you need about a refuge. As I say though ifyou have been threatened inyour own home they may remove him. Having reported him will also likely give you entitlement to legal aid.

Do not listen to him about your dc. You are a brilliant mother. The only psychological damage that can be done is from him and your relationship. You are saving your dc from that. That makes you the best Mum there is. I wish I lived near you OP. Where in the country are you? Feel free to PM me if you don't want to put it on here.

Knackered,

Just read the whole thread and despite so many respondents telling you not to continue communicating verbally with this man, you keep on doing so. Honestly ... I can't stress this enough ... you have to stop engaging with him.

He says this, he said that, he says, he said, he says, he said .... that's what so many of your posts comprise of. Read them back if you don't believe me. I don't want to sound harsh I really don't but you have to stop this - you have to stop providing him with opportunities to hurt and undermine you, and by engaging with him in the way you are, you are doing precisely that.

WHO GIVES A FUCK what he said/says? it is bollocks. Twisted, manipulative, cruel, controlling, confidence shattering bollocks. And you are not only listening to it, you are taking it on board and even crediting him with making a good case:

'He is very good at putting his point across'

No he isn't very good at all. In fact he's as predictable as shit.

Please, please, please - stop listening, stop engaging, stop conversing, stop discussing, stop rising to his bait. You have to disengage and detach - stop allowing him to do this to you.

Fontella, thanks for your message and no you are definitely not being harsh.
It is helping me see through the fog which is definitely coming down again and making me doubt myself.
Last night I woke up in the night feeling like I was loosing the plot.
But going to be resolute and continue with plan a.
X