It's the final straw but scared about splitting up

[Knackered123]

My OH has not come home after going out last night and promising with all his heart that he would be back at a decent time. He has done this before and convinced me he would never do it again. He goes drinking with his friends and gets too drunk to come home and ends up sleeping on someone's floor. Very mature. Last time he came back at 9.30am and was still drunk. I said I wouldn't put up with it again, and here we are, it's happened again.

He is a good dad and loves our 8month old very much. I want him to have a good relationship with his son, and do feel bad that he will not be able to see him very day, potentially. I am not even angry and don't want a fight, I just want to make positive steps today to move on from him.

This is not the only thing that is wrong with our relationship. He doesn't show any love and can be, quite frankly, a bully quite a lot of the time. And sometimes cruel to me. We argue a lot. It's very stressful and making me unhappy.

I don't want to leave my house or go and live with anyone else for a while - why should I!

Please could anyone suggest how I can go on from here and how I can build the strength to actually go through with it this time? I know in the long run I will be happier. Thank you.

Sorry, just something that has crossed my mind. I know his behaviour is a typical way of trying to manipulate me and get me to stay and be put in my place, as if it's some kind of cunning plot.

But the thing that confuses me is I really don't think he thinks that deeply enough. I think he just acts on his angry emotions. Is it possible for it to be as simple as that I wondered?

It's like he has reached breaking point and I am worried about him. He seems desperate - what with work pressures as well. Don't think I have seen him like this before. He is sleeping on the sofa.

I do want him to be happy, even though it will not be together.

He is just acting on his angry emotions. His anger that you are not just doing what he wants. That you're straying fron his control. He's not even contemplating things from your perspective. He doesn't have the capacity to care about anyone but himself.

He doesn't need to be a horrible person all the time. I'm certain that he isn't. But you will never be his priority. Your dc will never be his priority. He is.

We spend all this time wondering how to make it better for him. Or thinkibg if he could only see what he was doing, we could fix it and be happy. Or even worry about how he will be if you split up.

At no point his he worried about any of those things for you. The idea of living the rest of your life being spent with a man that doesn't care about you is heartbreaking

He will not change.

This is his own making. Don't get drawn in.

He is a big boy and can look after himself . Don't worry about him. He's not worried about you. You worry about you!

A toddler or just a bit older can manipulate like that, all the thinking it involves is thinking only of how you feel. So if person A makes you feel bad, then when they are around instead of apologising or in any way hiding your feeling you express them, so mope around. Now if person A isn't there, and especially if you aren't in the same place that you were naughty/told off, you forget all that and can run around happy.
It doesn't require much deep thinking.

Well done for getting through the evening.

Oh Knackered he really is tugging on your heart strings isn't he

This is what I dread although with mine it won't be about how hard he works etc it will be "I have nothing without you"

I hope it doesn't happen this time but think it will

I think you need to make the break and either get away or get him away.

It's all just different techniques to get you to behave.

You just have to remember if they have nothing without you then 1) you have to question, why is that and 2):they should have thought about that and treated you better.

HE HAS CAUSED THIS AND HE WILL NOT CHANGE!

I have just actually thought

If he has nothing without me, what has he got to give to the relationship!

I have just read the entire thread. I will bullet point.

He is going from nice, to nasty to forlorn, to blaming etc because he is trying to find a way to stop you going through with it. I believe he would be best off guilt tripping you as I feel that it may work. So don't let it work!

Bad mother, very very tedious. I was told be by non maintenance paying, non seeing every week, non school report reading/non parent evening attending ex that I was a bad mum. Listen out for bad mother, check it off the list.

Fat, I too at size 8 was told I was fat. Size 8 I still wore hot pants and cut off tea shirts! But the fat line got rolled out. Again tedious, roll your eyes and look bored. It's a very easy cheap dig at a woman as most men know the word fat hurts. It's about as meaningful and tedious as saying you have a small cock. Listen out for fat, check it off your daily checklist.

He took your baby upstairs and said for his mother to stay away. Tedious and cruel. I promise you he will do this more if you stay with him. It is getting you to tow the line by hurting you through your baby.

Depression, woe is me, my life sucks. Yep damn right as you have just realised you may have to cook, clean, wash your own pants, have you ds every other weekend and pay maintenance plus your house will be sold. Damn fucking right he's depressed! Tick off the Daily check list.

He is concerned that everyone knows. Ahh bet you haven't done this before, telling people is new.

Now he hasn't mentioned being fleeced for maintenance, but he has mentioned you spending too much money. Half a tick for that one.

He is unhappy, you have flaws, you are fat etc etc. therefore I am sure he is very happy that you are splitting up. Oh but he isn't how confusing. Surely now you are splitting up he can find the skinny, house work mad, sex crazed, 100k a year earning, perfect mother to his children that he feels he deserves!

Start seeing him as the tedious man that he is. Yes you may love the glimmer of goodness that appears sporadically, but that is your fake oh. The pretend one. The real one is the tedious one not wanting to maintain status quo.

I really hope you find happiness. I once lived with a tosser, it appears he is still a miserable drinks too much unhappy with his life type of person. Now I have a wonderful caring amazing husband, life can be amazing!

Ps write a checklist. See how many gems he comes up with every day. Smiling and humour will get you through the dark times and make you realise he is not the man you so wanted him to bexxx

Sorry that was long!

Ah and the sit around on your lazy arse all day line. While he works hard blah blah blah. Check off the list!

Fwiw my dh is a sahd dad, i work ft in a stressful job. His job is tough, I get loo breaks! Bet if your oh was a sahd his job would be tough and you would get to sit your fat arse at a desk all day, chatting to people and drinking coffee. Op can you imagine him saying that?

43% is right, op. He certainly likes to moan!

He doesn't like to do anything about it. He doesn't want to split, otherwise he'd be happy and co-operative about it. He just wants you to STFUUUUUU and carry on with the status quo, and you to put up with whatever he likes.
It has been a great life for him up to now, doing what he wants and getting you to do all the shitty RL stuff. Now it's slipping away and he wants it back waaaaa!!!! (What can I do to get it back? I know! I'll call her fat! Tell her she's not perfect - so she is now on the back foot - and just refuse to go! )
Treat him like the toddler his is being. Ignore the bad behaviour. Talk when he is calm, not being manipulative and moody.

And talk to a solicitor for proper, legal, on-your-side advice!

I left it for a bit but then I couldn't help it, my heart strings went and I went in and asked him what was wrong

You already know this but you have to stop doing this. Otherwise you will send mixed messages that will cause him to believe that what he is doing could maybe change things. He will then escalate his behaviour to get more of this from you.

You need to send a clear and unambiguous message to him at all times that your relationship is over. You will continue to co-parent with him but that is all. Of course you can be pleasant and polite but you must at least appear to remain distant and detatched from him, even if you feel far from that inside.

If he is feeling low and needs support then he must turn to his family and friends or contact his GP. You are no longer available to give him that support. This must be clear at all times.

I know it is very, very difficult to walk away when you feel someone is in pain and you want to make it better. It is horrible. But in the end it is actually much kinder to both of you to remain consistent in your decision to withdraw from the relationship and let him work out his problems for himself and with support from others.

I've posted previously about my relationship under a different name, but became worried that my name could 'out' me if DH ever looked on thread. I tried to leave last year after 10 years of repeated emotional affairs, changing jobs, reckless spending. Final straw was he lost his job due to sexually harassing a junior colleague. I was subjected first to 'I'm angry', then 'I'll move away and never see the DCs again' to 'I can't live without you, I'm depressed, I'm having suicidal thoughts'. Like you, I still have feelings for him, want him to be happy and couldn't cope with the worry of him 'doing something stupid' so took him back. First he stayed in the spare room, but he 'couldn't cope' with that either and so now he's back in my bed, but behaving worse to me than before. I agree that a lot of the behaviour is not conscious abuse. I've read Lundy Bancroft too and it says that the goal of these men is control, not abuse, and abusive behaviour is what they resort to to regain control. Either way, the effect on you and I and many, many abused women is the same. We lose self confidence, become isolated (my friends and family don't come round now because of him) and feel that it's easier to stay and take the abuse because it is just so bloody hard to get away from these men. I told people in RL for the first time last year, and it's given me strength. But I still haven't left, despite the fact that my eldest DC has developed OCD and my youngest is angry and aggressive because the atmosphere at home is so terrible. I am told off daily; you'd think that I was the one at fault to hear to my DH: I 'don't listen, 'never consider his feelings', 'never tell him anything' and 'make him feel used' . When I shouted at him for pushing my youngest DC (again), he said 'how dare you speak to me like that'. I've already been to see a solicitor but I'm still stalling, even though he has recently clocked 12 points on his licence (again) and may well get a driving ban. I'm supposed to be supportive and not blame; I feel like shouting from the rooftops 'you are a selfish and irresponsible'' but I don't have the guts.

Don't make my mistake, once you know you've reached the end of your tether, go and don't look back at his weeping and self-pity, or just like Eurydice you will be swept back into the underworld....

Wow these messages are really really helping and hitting home, thank you.

So sorry that you other ladies have been/ or are going through the same thing. We often think that (well I do anyway) that OUR oh is not that bad, and because he is nice a lot of the time he not like the violent abusive partners that you read about because he is different. Sometimes he flies off the handle and can be unreasonable but, hey, can't we all, and he has reason too. I need to be more understanding etc etc. I brush it under the carpet, and I sometimes even humour him when he belittles me!

But the thing is, yes, they are all different in their individual ways. But there is a common theme in all of them, in that they are selfish and want to be in control. They don't care about us and they are chipping away bit by bit by bit and we need to believe in ourselves that we deserve better. Ultimately I think they feel bad about themselves, so to make us feel bad makes them feel superior.
But that isn't our problem!

Even though it's hard, things seem so much clearer and simpler today, and it's a relief trying not to spend my days dissecting everything and wondering what it is that I have done wrong/ what's wrong with him/ what can I do to make things better. I already have one child to look after. I don't need a man child too. As you say, relationships are about love and support, they should be there so help, not hinder.

I can actually put my energies into things I can actually change. How refreshing.

It's brilliant that we are all here to support each other.

Doesntaddup, I am sorry you are going through this he sounds really awful. Are you thinking about leaving though? I really hope so.

Last night my oh eventually left the sofa and came to bed at about 3ish (I know, we are still in the same bed, don't see why I should give up my nice bed), and we had a sleepy but not unpleasant talk. Sorry, I know I said I would not talk to him but he was being ok with me and I was half asleep.

He said he has got his head around that it is over now, and I said yes so have I. He said there 'is nothing that I can do is there'. I said there was always something that you could have done, but you have to work that out for yourself. He said he was worried that I was going to find someone else. I said, that is the last thing on my mind.
He was worried that he is about to lose everything.

I said that whatever happens he is always the father to our baby boy and no one can take that away from him. I would never ever stop him from seeing him and having a relationship with him. He has two choices - he can either try to be a good father or a bad father, it's up to him.

He then said, 'fair enough.. I agree' then we went to sleep.

So this morning we have been exchanging very small pleasantries, eg. 'Eg. Good morning, have a good day, the umbrella is hanging up by the coats etc etc' but he kKNOWS I am not the same anymore. But I am definitely still sticking to my guns, now more than ever.

The thing is, a hostile environment makes me feel stressed out, and depressed. I feel a bit more positive if the air is not poisonous and creating an atmosphere around ds. I find it easier to get on with making changes, you know?

We have a big family occasion coming up at the end of the month which really must go ahead, for the sake of our ds. I don't want to cancel months of planning so we have to be at least civil to each other until after that.
I am still very much on guard and am not taking ANY bullshit. And will call the solicitors today.

Flipping heck, sorry this is so long!!

Mumof3 and Suziki, hope you are ok today?
X

Do you know what, you can apply this knowledge to any relationship couldn't you, not just partner. For example, parents/ other family members.
Once you know the signs, you can tell yourself it is not your fault that they cannot rationalise and respect your views, feelings and opinions.
So just DON'T feel guilty and don't bother wasting time analysing it/feeling annoyed/feeling bad about yourself/wasting your energy.

Know in yourself that you are a good, strong person and get on with doing what you know is right.

Bloody hell I know I'm on a role, sorry to bang on. Hopefully this afternoon I won't be saying that I feel down again..
Suppose we have to be prepared for that at times.

Of course it is easier if things are not hostile and I'm glad that he has (for now) accepted that it really is over.

Please think carefully though about the mixed messages that you are sending though.

He accepts that it's over and says 'there is nothing I can do is there?' and instead of agreeing that there is nothing to be done you say that there is always something that could have been done. It doesn't matter - could have, should have, would have. It's over. Don't confuse it by trying to make a point.

I know, we are still in the same bed, don't see why I should give up my nice bed
Again this could be sending mixed messages. At the beginning of the thread you said you were going to move into the spare room. It seems at odds with how you say you feel about him that you are happy to sleep with him. I find this a bit confusing tbh so I'm sure he does too.

If things are more pleasant between you, remember to keep your distance. Don't let it slip back to how it was and then pull away suddenly. Be consistent.

I realise that my last post was quite harsh.

I think it's best that I step away from the thread now. I know there are plenty of you to support each other.

I hope everyone gets to where they want to be. Good luck and strength to you all

No not harsh at all legionofboom I really do appreciate your input.

I am definitely going to keep more distant and keep consistent. I am probably still being too nice, you are right.
He called me twice today and I have not answered or called back.
Minimum communication to just essentials and just being polite if we do speak.

Mustn't let him just weasel back in as if nothing has happened.

It's over and that's that.
X

Small thing, but I washed and hung up towels yesterday, and this morning saw that he moved mine aside that was not dry so that he could hand something of his up. So my towel is still wet and in a heap.

I wouldn't do that, I would have found somewhere else to hang my item or found a way around it.
Example of selfish attitude.

Think of all this types of behaviour as a spectrum physical and sexual violence and murddr at the worst and blaminv ignori g sulking egc. Name calling at ghe oghef... it is all tbe same knzdcure immature controlling resenftul toxic crap you do not want in any ki d of relationship espdcially intimate ones.... levionofboom gbat was nog harsh nudt xirect but I knos shat you mean you are tryk gto hdlp and zupport. Being lear and consistent about your decision is very important for your emotional health as they are not and fhey will refuse to accept it if yiu are frie dly even. I am avoidjng hkm as much as posdible and keeping conversation to an absolute minimum. Strength and clarity and peace to you all

Hi Knackered, hope you're doing ok. Yes, I am thinking of leaving, but I need to be 'doing'. Like you, I'm scared though, of his reaction mainly. Last time he bombarded me with texts/calls and came round to the house every day to 'see the children' but really to maintain his foothold. I even had to phone the police one evening after veiled suicide threats. I shudder to remember it. I did call WA today, though. I know they can offer me support to get through it, but I can't help feeling like a but of a time waster and don't like to make a fuss by pushing for an appointment, I got in touch with them a few weeks ago and still haven't heard anything. I also got in touch with Relate; 2 weeks ago I had to go to a session alone as DH forgot ( my fault, apparently, for not reminding him). I told her what was actually going on at home, not DHs heavily edited version and she said it was an abusive relationship, not suitable for joint counselling and she would raise this at our next appointment. However, she didn't mention anything and seemed to be falling under the influence of DHs charming persona, as other counsellors have done. I came away feeling that she perceived me as a bit neurotic for worrying about potential loss of DHs driving licence, whereas he was more pragmatic! Told Relate head office I was not happy with this and want to know why she changed her tune about the individual counselling.

Don't beat yourself up about the mixed messages, I'm really guilty of it. It's so hard to break a long habit of caring for someone and it causes me pain not to support him, although I know that through supporting him I am neglecting other family members, people who do deserve my love and attention .

Hi ladies

Hope all are ok today

Well done for ignoring the calls Knackered

Thanks doesntaddup, and your oh really does sound like an arse, very similar in ways to mine. Childish in their attitude that nothing is really down to them ultimately and the woe is me attitude, I have had a hard life so I'm going to take it out on you. But you better bloody well stick around and put up with me, otherwise you are a total bitch, actually, a fat bitch.
I have had the suicide threats aswell. Ignore it.

You are NOT being a time waster by calling WA!! Just do it and make a break from this man. That is what I am going to do and it is liberating.

The organising the relate meeting is something I would have done aswell. I have bought books on the subject of 'how to stop the arguing' and tried to read them through with him, but felt frustrated that I was trying to do all I could to make it work but he wasn't interested in the slightest.
Earlier on in this thread I said that I booked a doctors appointment for this morning because he said he is very depressed and 'loosing it'.

Has he gone? No. Because he got home last night at about 3.30am, phoned me on my mobile asking me to let him in. He wasn't stupidly drunk, but definitely drunk. Then I heard him on the phone to the bank asking for his cards to be cancelled because someone had stolen his wallet. This has happened before, someone stole his phone because they took advantage of his drunkeness.

He was waking ds with his loud voice so I asked him to go to the other room as he was waking the baby. So he did.
So this morning I am downstairs as usual sorting out ds, and he is in bed nursing a hangover.
Do you know, I think he still feels sorry for himself?
Anyway, who cares, I am going out today.

Hope you are ok mumof3? And Suziki? and everyone else..
Xx

Sorry doesntaddup, just realised I sounded really harsh about calling women's aid..
Xxx