It's the final straw but scared about splitting up

[Knackered123]

My OH has not come home after going out last night and promising with all his heart that he would be back at a decent time. He has done this before and convinced me he would never do it again. He goes drinking with his friends and gets too drunk to come home and ends up sleeping on someone's floor. Very mature. Last time he came back at 9.30am and was still drunk. I said I wouldn't put up with it again, and here we are, it's happened again.

He is a good dad and loves our 8month old very much. I want him to have a good relationship with his son, and do feel bad that he will not be able to see him very day, potentially. I am not even angry and don't want a fight, I just want to make positive steps today to move on from him.

This is not the only thing that is wrong with our relationship. He doesn't show any love and can be, quite frankly, a bully quite a lot of the time. And sometimes cruel to me. We argue a lot. It's very stressful and making me unhappy.

I don't want to leave my house or go and live with anyone else for a while - why should I!

Please could anyone suggest how I can go on from here and how I can build the strength to actually go through with it this time? I know in the long run I will be happier. Thank you.

In a way Knackered123 you should be grateful to him because he is showing you exactly who he is. He can't even keep up the nice act for more than a day. Take a long hard look at him today, this will be the rest of your life if you stay.

Sounds exactly like the kind of thing my exp would have done Knackered

I am doing good. Exp calling daily to see dc but I am just keeping out of the way when he comes. No creeping and begging yet anyway

Very good point holdthepage and that is how I feel. I don't even feel angry annoyed, upset, and desparate to try and reason with him and see what he is doing. How I can make it better for him/us. Which is how I usually feel while he lies there feeling sorry for himself having a hangover. Actually that's probably not true I am usually just seething tbh.

That Lundy Bancroft book I am reading is amazing. It's like suddenly being able to see the truth.

He moans about how he never sees ds because he is at work. But he has just missed a morning of him and playing before his nap.

He is thinking 'poor me, everything is crumbling apart and she doesn't feel sorry for me, she is being such a bitch. Even though I look really sad. I hope this makes her feel bad. I have got a drink/depression problem and my job is so stressful and hard and I am so hard done by. Look at me, with all these pressures and responsibilities, it's so unfair. And because she does not sympathise and care anymore I am just going to self destruct and get even more drunk and wallow in my own pity. When is she going to get me a cup of tea and some paracetamal?'

Sorry to keep harping on but this really helps to clarify things and when I read back it helps. It's amazing what you forget.

Well done mumof3, I really hope he stays away for good this time but stay strong if he doesn't.
I was thinking, when he said things like 'I am nothing without you', it's such a selfish thing to say. All is is thinking about is how HE feels. How about, 'I hate seeing you upset and I am sorry, and want to be there for you and to be a good father to my kids..etc'

Oh, knackered, don't worry about the WA post, you were spot on in your analysis. I actually did go to see WA a few weeks ago because the school nurse asked me to. She told me I'm in an abusive relationship, the first time I'd heard it from a professional. I'm waiting to make contact with an outreach person, as I'm a bit of a softie and all the suicide threats totally freak me out.

I did actually book DH a GP appointment at Xmas, as he announced he was having suicidal thoughts ( this was a calculated move to ruin a lovely day out with my parents and DCs - he actually told me before we went that it 'wasn't fair' he wasn't invited) my poor DM has had chest pains caused by the anxiety of seeing what he's put me and DCs through, and he's surprised he wasn't invited?

I'm relaxing on sofa with a cuppa and a homemade brownie, wallowing in the relaxing feeling that he's taken DCs camping for the week and I won't see his sorry arse til next Friday.

On the subject if calling women fat, I should mention that DH has a far more subtle technique; he's constantly pointing out gorgeous female celebrities on the telly and saying 'what a dog she is' or she's so fat and ugly. Does wonders for making me feel insecure. He is of course balding, overweight and average looking, but still feels he has a right to judge. In fact his constant pleas of 'I'm so hairy, fat and balding that no

Sorry posted too soon!

Anyway, this blinded me for years to the fact that he was spending a large part of his spare time pursuing other women on dating sites, at work and via Facebook.

This week I'm going to be doing everything I can to put a plan together of how I'm going to leave him me fore he is sacked again/loses his driving licence/both ...

Doesntaddup that's great that you are going to finally make the break from this man and this weeks sounds like an Ideal week to get your plan together as you have a bit of space.
He sounds so manipulative and selfish - do you know what, even if he did do something to himself (which I am sure he will not) it will never ever be your fault.
How do you feel about making the break?

For the first time in my life I feel so ready to leave. We just have to get this family occasion out of the way next weekend and then it's full steam ahead.

In a way I suppose it has been made easier for me in that he has been completely unpleasant and not nice in any way, so there is no emotional blackmail tactics to get me to stay and I am glad for that.

He is such a prat.

My plan is to get him to leave (he does want us to split up too, as we both know it's over and I think he is looking forward to being free from it too), and for me to get a part time job ASAP so that I can afford to stay in this house with my ds without him. Then get on with my life.

He will not stay if I make his life unpleasant enough and I am being totally intolerant to him at the moment. He has got his head around that now and in a way I think he seems happy about it too.

He can then go out and get drunk and have his fun as much as he wants and I will be free from all that nonsense.

Yours sounds awful and he does not deserve your caring attention in any way. You and your do deserve much better than that.

X

Oh god, now I am getting the 'I've turned over a new leaf' bollocks.

I'm just sneering at him.

Knackered you sound like you feel strong and empowered!

Well done you!

Mine sometimes plays the "I never see the dc" card. But then like yours always passes up the chance in favour of bed, or pub

Well done knackered. By writing things down on this thread you can re read in times of weakness. Though to be honest it sounds like you are seeing through him now.

You do need the checklist I mentioned earlier! Makes listening to the whining so much more tolerable.

Stay strong knackered, he says he's turned over a new leaf but has he actually demonstrated it in any way, who got up with your child this morning, and every other morning for example?
You're making good baby steps, make your that you continue to disengage in practical ways, washing and meals etc to ensure he gets the message

"I'm just sneering at him." That made me laugh . You are so ready to kick him out. Good on you. He deserves it!

Keep rereading this thread so you remember what he's done when you waver (which is likely to happen at some point!).

Good luck!

Tx knackered, I wish I felt as strong as you :-( I'm feeling a bit wobbly about the break, I still feel he has such am emotional hold on me and know he will pile on the emotional pressure. I told my Mum today that I don't know if I'll have the strength to leave if he loses his job again and she was upset. She can't believe how many chances I've given him.

Been reading Lundy Bancroft, the section on abusive man as a parent and will try to focus on that. If I cant put myself first, I must at least stop him causing any more damage to DCs, who are all displaying varying degrees of disturbed behaviour.

Thanks ladies

Doesntaddup, I'm so sorry you are feeling down, I completely know how you feel and have been there so many times too, what with my pnd and everything, and am prepared to have wobbley times still.

I am still living with him too so I know there is still a way to go.

I think you are completely right to now just focus on yourself and your dc. Goodness knows, he doesn't put any effort into that because all he is thinking about is himself. Put yourself forward for a change. Treat yourself. Plan something positive and happy for your dcs and focus on that, while he wallows in his self pity.

I have to keep reminding myself that there is nothing I can do about his behaviour. He is a grown man and can look after himself, just as all the other supportive ladies on here have said.

This morning I have been making apple and sultana pancakes with the radio on with my ds and just having fun with that. He is expecting to come downstairs to a sad quiet person who is still pissed off from the night before so I think it's bamboozling him a bit. He is currently lying in bed missing out on another morning with ds and not helping . For me I find even small things like that help me to keep positive.

As hilly hilly says, it's all about baby steps I think..
X

Well done knackered. You should read the whole thread through at some point to see how far you've come. Amazing.

Xxx

Progress can be slow but determined. Please hold on to what you have recently realised- that he is not worthy of you,your time,love and energy. He is the fool for throwing it all away-not you. You are capable of respectful mutual love and understanding. Tbey are not. You are not their keeper, their mother or their servant. Yiu are not responsible for their wrllbeing. This is what I am.focusing on.

Little shaky day today as I remembered how he used to be while I watched him pkay with our daughter. I know that he is not consistent and caring anymore and just thinks of himself and how he is being wronged so that remjnds me that I need to look after myself and my daughter,cannot stay in this situation any longer as it is wearjng me diwn and getting dangerous and that I need to leave him for these reasons.
I hope you are all doing ok out there

Stay strong Suzuki. You're doing well. It's great that you do have some nice memories of him with your daughterbut just keep in mind the bigger picture. My best advice if you're feeling shaky is to keep yourself busy even if the last thing you want to do. Take your dc out for the day or something.

Have you heard from your OH?

Hi everyone :)

Mumof3, Suziki and doesntaddup, hope you are ok?

I'm ok, still managing to detach myself from oh and almost everything he says/does has a more simple explanation now. Ie. he is selfish and entitled.

X

Hello ladies
How are we all?
I am good. Nearly two weeks since the split although I think the begging for forgiveness may begin soon as I had a hint in a text
Must be strong
If he's hurting he only hAs himself to blame

Hey mumof3, yes stay strong. If you know he will just slip into his old patterns again you have to keep reminding yourself of that. It's hard when they make you feel sorry for them.
I'm ok. I feel very distant now from oh and mainly irritated by him now. Feel so tired today. This staying strong thing is tiring.

He has a copy of men are from mars women are from Venus (!) Think someone lent it to him. I am sure he won't read it but he had the nerve to advise that I should read it too.
Again, I just sneered at him.

When is your family event Knackered is it tho weekend? So you are looking at making the split happen after that?
I think it will do you good to have some space from him tbh
After mine sent a text last night being nice, which I sense is the start of his creeping I thought id have a quick nosey on his twitter. Glad I did as it reminded me of what a twat he is!

Yeah, this weekend, and then after that focus will be on splitting up. We definitely need space from each other. It's a horrible atmosphere.
Good idea to keep reminding yourself of his twatishness. That's always been my mistake.. I kind of forget, or think it was just a one off and then go back to normal. Only for him to behave like an arsehole again.
This time that ain't happening.

That's good! Whenever you feel yourself caving maybe come on here and have a read of this thread!

He said this morning he has got his head around splitting up and is being and is being all happy around me - there is a coldness about it and although I am not rising to it it does hurt.
He has a day off but he is choosing to play golf with his friend rather than spend it with his family. He just left the house and said 'see ya'.
Feel so tired today.

Sometimes feel confused as keep reading that abusers usually try and be nice and say sorry to get their partners back. So I don't really understand, it doesn't fit into what I am reading about domestic abuse.
I really do feel today like he is treating me like a piece of poo on the pavement.