selfish dh

[exbrummie]

I posted a similar thread in aibu a few months ago and got eaten alive,but thought i'd try here to see if people feel differently.
Dd works about 7 miles away in a place with a crap bus service,the buses are every hour(and that's after she has made her way into the town centre,about 2 miles from where we live).
She starts at 8am but because of the way the buses are the one at 7.50 gets her there too late,so she has to get the one at 6.50.
There are no buses from our house to the town centre that early so she cycles to town then gets the bus.
On saturdays dh refuses to give her a lift which would help her so much(i can't drive) because he has to get up all week and derseves a lie in.
He grudgingly does it on a sunday as the buses don't start until later,but this is on the condition that i get up on a saturday to get his paper so he gets a lie in.
Getting home on a sunday is also a nightmare as the buses are every 2 hours and it usually works out that she just misses one,and by the time she gets to town the buses have stopped running to wherewe live so she ends up walking the
2 miles home.
Again dh refuses to pick her up as he wants to have a drink.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which she is in the process of doing and she is an adult etc but to me it's about hepling someone out and being a nice person not a selfish one.
I have told him he is being selfish and so has his dad but he can't or won't see the problem.
It just annoys me so much when he won't help her out and i feel like he doesn't care.
I don't really know what i'm asking here i suppose i'm just venting.
Congratulations if you got through that!!

OP, I remember your other thread.

I wonder if the transport situation with your DD is REALLY the issue here.

It looks like you yourself have issues with your DH - which I am sure you'll receive support and advice on if you name change and start another thread.

Selfish, not listening, doesn't care....I reckon that's how he is with you, and you're using your DD as the emotional shield because you'd rather focus on the way he feels/doesn't feel about her, rather than the way he feels/doesn't feel about YOU.

And you're projecting them onto this issue (even if your DD hasn't mentioned it's a problem) as you don't feel confident about saying "I" have an issue with my DH for another reason.

I remember my own mother used to project all her emotional states onto her children - she felt upset/rejected, but didn't want to do anything about it.

So she'd stare at her children and say "X is feeling upset/rejected", my father was vile and emotionally abusive - to her and to us, but rather than sorting her life out she'd rather pay attention to the "difficult relationship between him and the CHILDREN".

You need to own your own feelings, not pass them on to your daughter.

this IS relationships, not aibu.

you should tell us what the real situation is, rather than a snapshot.

To add a bit to what I wrote: it's actually not very nice for your DD to be "piggy in the emotional middle", if you're projecting your own feelings onto her? And doing the whole "Daddy doesn't care about you or love you" thing?

I'm an adult commuter cyclist and I love the tough late night rides, the independence amazing legs and eat 3500 calories a day and am still very slim the "alone time" I get - I hate it when people force lifts on me I don't want and do the whole "poor you, you secretly want a drive home don't you?".

I suppose the real situation is he doesn't communicate.
He makes his mind up about something and that is it.
He is a very closed person,we have been married for 24 years and i still don't know how his mind works sometimes.
He never argues as such just says how it's going to be,hard to explain but as i say he just makes his mind up and will not be swayed at all.
So when we disagree on something we quickly reach a stalemate,which i hate as i'm the sort of person who'likes resolution.

I was 10-11 when I travelled the 7 miles into town to my tutor and back. On my own. And my bus was every 1h 20 min. We are talking term time - and snowy winters too!

OP, take a raincheck, please. You are deceiving all off us with this post. Please, lets discuss the real issue in your marriage.

On this issue however he has communicated that he doesn't want to do it. He has compromised by doing the Sunday morning.

It seems that he has reached a reasonable resolution on this issue but you and your dd don't agree with him hence him being 'selfish' and 'not caring'

He sounds quite controlling. There is nothing worse than compromise. It sounds like he rules the roost. Whilst we have all said he deserves a break if he is the sole driver, it does sound like he makes the decisions. How is he if you challenge him?

But on this issue he is entitled to make the decision yet he is apparently 'selfish' for doing so.

OP, if your disagreements are like this, I'm not surprised you think they don't get resolved. Your husband has come up with a reasonable compromise, he isn't being closed-minded, but you can't see that. You (IIRC) conceded that you were being UR on your other thread, and yet you're still stewing over the lift issue and refuse to see his point of view.

He doesn't liked being challenged,but then who does i suppose.

"Nothing worse than lack of compromise" I meant to say!

Is he open to suggestions or decisions you make?
Does he have a job where he has to make major decisions?

I don't really make any major decisions (just realised that)
And yes he does make decisions in his job.

I agree with gobby I'm afraid.

You have been going on about this for ages over two threads. Your DH must feel ground down.

It is coming across that he has to agree with you,

OP can I suggest you either ask MN to close this thread down or just leave/ignore it, and maybe start a new one in Relationships focussing on your relationship with your husband (including details of the work/finances situation). You don't need to do it right away. You can name change. Or I think there's an ongoing thread with lots of posters in what they feel are EA (emotionally abusive) relationships.

The daughter transport just seems to be a single incident which is the "thing" everyone is discussing but I suspect there's a wider picture that is more significant and might be more helpful to get guidance on?

You seem to be at breaking point with this being "the straw thats breaking the camels back".

Even if your marriage isn't abusive, it may be stale, you may be sick of not having any say in it, you might want either a way out or a way of changing the dynamic?

I wish you well

Thanks

Maybe he's in the habit of making major decision in life I.e. at work and at home. Maybe, without realising it, you have enabled him to make all the decisions at home. Challenging him on driving your daughter is just another time when he overrules your decisions. I am inclined to agree in this instance, especially as he is the sole driver. It can be a chore, as I am in a similar position. However, it seems as though perhaps you need to attempt to be more confident at making decisions and sticking to them. Perhaps he might welcome this in time, as being the main decision maker all the time can be exhausting. I do feel for you as it's not easy. It sounds like he needs to work on communicating with you and you both have a chat about the importance of compromise in a relationship. All the best OP as it sounds like you have been together a long time and it's worth working on.

I agree with Etal OP. You might be feeling a bit wounded because two threads have told you that on this issue YABU. There may well be a whole lot more to this story. If this is the case better to accept the way things are on this particular issue and look at anything else that is concerning you. I agree that starting a new thread would be better as no matter what you are discussing from here on in, people will just read the first post and pile in.

Good luck OP.

I will not be giving up all lie ins to take my children to work. No way.

He takes her once a week. He is entitled to a lie in once a week and my family would respect me enough to not even ask me to give them both up if I work hard all week.

If your relationship is troubled then you need to focus on that, not on this situation, because to me it comes across that you hate the fact that he isn't bending over backwards to meet your demands. If it bothers you then you need to learn to drive and take her yourself, you can't expect your husband to give up two lie ins to take a 20 years old to work, when he has already compromised by taking her in on a Sunday.

But like others have said, if there is much more to this it might be an idea to start another thread getting advice and support for that. I don't think this alone could cause so much angst so maybe it would be better to get support for the real problem instead of focusing on this where he isn't being unreasonable at all and has compromised with you.

that is really hard to deal with. essentially it's his road or no road. how can you negotiate?

essentially i think you have to side-step him. this time is limited for your dd because she can get her license soon.

i think you have to think of it like a chess game and find ways around him.

but is this the way you want to live? is what you want to deal with?

you could try telling him that you're at the end of your tether now. it either has to change or...

But why does he have to change?

He has negotiated by taking her in on a Sunday, surely?

Going from this alone, as we have such little else to go on, he hasn't actually done anything wrong and he has compromised.

I am not seeing a man who is saying that it is his road or no road.

Of course OP could come on with more examples that paint him in a bad light, but until she has done so I can't see what the man has done wrong.

OP says she doesn't make major decisions and that needs to change, but we don't know if that was because up until now she never wanted or attempted to, because she was happy that way and now she no longer is. If she wants that to change than of course it should do but I know a few people who quite happily live that way.

OP, I learnt to drive last year at the age of 32 and it was the best thing I ever did. It was great for my self-esteem and independence and as strange as it might sound it really bettered my life.

I strongly suggest you learn if have the money to do so. It is worth every penny and will make a big difference in your life I am sure.

that is really hard to deal with. essentially it's his road or no road. how can you negotiate?

On this issue the OP won't negotiate either. He won't do all the lifts so is selfish.

Why should he be called names because he won't agree to something.

There may be more to it but in this insidence it looks as if it's the OPs road or no road.

The travel was an issue in the DDs first job, then it would appear they have got another job, further away and still not sorted travel.

I'm not sure I understand how this is an instance of him refusing to communicate/compromise? It sounds like he has communicated (that he isn't prepare to do all lifts) and has compromised (by doing some - despite it being inconvenient for him). On the other hand, it sounds like you're very much saying that it's your way or nothing - honestly, would any outcome other than he drives your daughter to and from every shift satisfy you? Have you suggested any compromise at all?

I really don't quite get how the DH is the one being called controlling here - it's the OP who wants to control what her DH does with his leisure time.

exbrummie OMG you are married for 24 years. I am to married to a person who does not communicate and is very selfish (a "bachelor" husband in other words). I fully understand where are you coming from. Though I would expect 20yo DD be able to commute to work by herself, it would be nice if husband was willing to help. It is just important to have that feeling that a family member would go that extra mile to help; that nothing is too hard when it comes to the family. Then you feel you can On the other hand DD should not take it granted; but rather with appreciation and be willing to help in return without being asked.
There should be a dialog between two adults, that is your DH and your DD, of how to work it out best. That's in ideal world.

After reading your thread I really don't want to be married to my H that long!!