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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

selfish dh

231 replies

exbrummie · 07/08/2014 11:41

I posted a similar thread in aibu a few months ago and got eaten alive,but thought i'd try here to see if people feel differently.
Dd works about 7 miles away in a place with a crap bus service,the buses are every hour(and that's after she has made her way into the town centre,about 2 miles from where we live).
She starts at 8am but because of the way the buses are the one at 7.50 gets her there too late,so she has to get the one at 6.50.
There are no buses from our house to the town centre that early so she cycles to town then gets the bus.
On saturdays dh refuses to give her a lift which would help her so much(i can't drive) because he has to get up all week and derseves a lie in.
He grudgingly does it on a sunday as the buses don't start until later,but this is on the condition that i get up on a saturday to get his paper so he gets a lie in.
Getting home on a sunday is also a nightmare as the buses are every 2 hours and it usually works out that she just misses one,and by the time she gets to town the buses have stopped running to wherewe live so she ends up walking the
2 miles home.
Again dh refuses to pick her up as he wants to have a drink.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which she is in the process of doing and she is an adult etc but to me it's about hepling someone out and being a nice person not a selfish one.
I have told him he is being selfish and so has his dad but he can't or won't see the problem.
It just annoys me so much when he won't help her out and i feel like he doesn't care.
I don't really know what i'm asking here i suppose i'm just venting.
Congratulations if you got through that!!

OP posts:
Heels99 · 07/08/2014 16:04

Yabu to expect your dh to be responsible for doing all driving for 3 adults when there are other options available I am afraid.

hamptoncourt · 07/08/2014 16:17

"He's probably trying to avoid his daughter turning out like her mother."
I think folkgirl hit the nail on the head.

Neverknowingly · 07/08/2014 16:48

I think I recall from your previous thread that your DH is a bit of an arsenal generally and (iirc) has this resulted in some depression issues for you? if I do remember correctly then there are deeper issues but on this issue alone your DH is not unreasonBle and you seem like a dog with a bone, deliberately protracting fights and choosing the wrong battles too. you come across as a little exhausting OP.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/08/2014 16:58

As a wohp I am horrified by some if the comments here about a Sahm and her "value" to the family. Just horrible!

Ivehearditallnow · 07/08/2014 17:14

NO ONE has said anything about her 'value'.

My word, stop being so dramatic. She's the one being 'horrible', and doesn't seem to realise/appreciate how lucky she is!

OP is whingeing. Her DH is grumpy (and many of us can see why). Simple as... IMO.

PoppyAmex · 07/08/2014 17:19

Right...

  • OP presumably can sleep in/relax/do whatever every day, as she doesn't work and has no young children
  • OP's DD presumably can sleep in/relax/do whatever on her days off
  • Why would the DH not be entitled to one morning to himself, since he drives her on Sunday anyway? Confused

Also, a lot of posters seem to forget that DD can get to work without a lift, she just has to get up a little earlier!

So why is it ok for everyone in the family to have a lie in, except for the DH?

Odd.

Ivehearditallnow · 07/08/2014 17:20

Yep! I agree Poppy.

OP is sucking her thumb sulking in a corner somewhere.

I'm off - hope the DH sticks to his guns and resists the urge to drive away in to the night away from this ungrateful diva.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 07/08/2014 17:26

Insisting on a once-weekly lie-in is not selfish or unreasonable.

It's tedious, but your DD is old enough to organise getting herself to work and I don't think it's unkind or unfair to expect that of her. She is like any number of commuters (including me when I was only a couple of years older)-she has to get up at the crack to get to work on time.

She could save up some money and buy a moped-or you could lend her the money for one.

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 07/08/2014 17:35

20? Bugger that, the poor bloke deserves one lie in and a few drinks when he chooses.

He's an adult, he gets to make choices about when he does and doesn't do favours. Dd is an adult too.

The poster who said parents should be glad their kids are working - why?? That's just an expected part of life - not something for parents to show gratitude for!

Wondering why you needed another thread about the same thing? ?

Original poster
exbrummie · 07/08/2014 17:40

I already explained why i posted here.

OP posts:
BobPatandIgglePiggle · 07/08/2014 17:43

Same problem, same posters, same forum...

notinagreatplace · 07/08/2014 17:44

I don't think anyone questioned the OP's contribution to the household. I think the point that people were trying to make was that it's unfair for her to demand that her DH do her adult daughter a massive favour indefinitely, when she isn't prepared to it herself.

The OP has started two threads on this and in the multiple pages in each one hasn't (that I recall) once explained why she doesn't drive so I think it's probably fair to assume that the OP doesn't drive because she doesn't want to. It seems unfair for her to criticise her DH for not driving their daughter every Saturday as well as every Sunday because he doesn't want to when she doesn't do any driving at all herself, out of choice.

It comes across as though the OP a) takes for granted her DH's contributions to the household and b) can't cope with him disagreeing with her on something. Perhaps a comparison might help the OP see why some of us think she's being unfair to her DH - assuming that food shopping/cooking is all the OP's responsibility, how would she feel if her DH decided that she was being unfair to their DD by not getting up every morning to cook their DD breakfast? If she said that she didn't think that was necessary and her DD could make her own breakfast and her DH called her selfish? And argued with her about it for months on end?

Original poster
exbrummie · 07/08/2014 17:53

The reason i have never learned to drive is i never needed to before now,i lived in a big city with a great bus service,then when we moved here i could either walk cycle or get the bus to where i needed to go.
It's only now that this has happened that i realise i should have learned years ago but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

OP posts:
BobPatandIgglePiggle · 07/08/2014 17:56

'This' hasn't just happened - if she's 20 she's had 3 years to learn to drive.

Original poster
exbrummie · 07/08/2014 18:01

But it has only become an issuesince she started working at this place.

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 07/08/2014 18:02

You moved there 10 years ago. It didn't occur to you at any point that you might benefit from driving?

That's fine, you felt you didn't need to. But you can't now have expectations of your husband that you don't have of yourself. And you didn't make preparations to drive your 20 year old daughter to and from work, so why should your husband?

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 07/08/2014 18:02

So:
-Dd works about 7 miles away
-She starts at 8am but because of the way the buses are the one at 7.50 gets her there too late,so she has to get the one at 6.50.
-There are no buses from our house to the town centre that early so she cycles to town then gets the bus.
-On saturdays dh refuses to give her a lift
-He grudgingly does it on a sunday
-Getting home on a sunday is also a nightmare as the buses are every 2 hours and it usually works out that she just misses one,and by the time she gets to town the buses have stopped running to where we live so she ends up walking the 2 miles home.

It's not nice, sure, especially in the winter. But the thing is none of this is actually any particular hardship. Thousands of people have this kind of commute.

Be honest-if you could drive, would you drive her to work every day, or even most days, and pick her up? Is it only Saturdays that are the issue?

FolkGirl · 07/08/2014 18:03

Still not your husband/her dad's problem.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/08/2014 18:04

It would do wonders for your confidence and be a big plus when job-hunting.

FolkGirl · 07/08/2014 18:04

And you are still only "thinking" about having driving lessons yourself.

If it is that important to you, why are you not taking lessons yourself?

notinagreatplace · 07/08/2014 18:05

I don't think most people learn to drive because they have a particular reason to. I think people learn to drive because they know that they may need to at some point in the future and it's not that easy to learn and pass a test quickly.

I learned as soon as I was old enough - have had a license for almost 20 years without owning a car or ever using a car regularly for a commute but I don't regret learning because, every now and then, it comes in useful. Sometimes, you want to go somewhere on holiday that isn't public transport accessible, sometimes you need to pick someone up from the airport, and it's just plain nice to know that I can if I need to.

I don't want to be mean but you come across as someone who kind of enjoys being helpless.

Original poster
exbrummie · 07/08/2014 18:06

Yes i would drive her if i could.

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 07/08/2014 18:07

But you can't. So it's a moot point.

You're not even having lessons so that you can do at some point in the foreseeable future.

I'd fly to the moon if I had wings. But I don't. So it's irrelevant.

gobbynorthernbird · 07/08/2014 18:08

But you can't. And if you would, you'd be learning to drive already.

notinagreatplace · 07/08/2014 18:08

But it's not that you can't, it's that you've chosen not to. If you'd started taking lessons when you first started to be annoyed with your husband over this, you could have a license by now.

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