selfish dh

[exbrummie]

I posted a similar thread in aibu a few months ago and got eaten alive,but thought i'd try here to see if people feel differently.
Dd works about 7 miles away in a place with a crap bus service,the buses are every hour(and that's after she has made her way into the town centre,about 2 miles from where we live).
She starts at 8am but because of the way the buses are the one at 7.50 gets her there too late,so she has to get the one at 6.50.
There are no buses from our house to the town centre that early so she cycles to town then gets the bus.
On saturdays dh refuses to give her a lift which would help her so much(i can't drive) because he has to get up all week and derseves a lie in.
He grudgingly does it on a sunday as the buses don't start until later,but this is on the condition that i get up on a saturday to get his paper so he gets a lie in.
Getting home on a sunday is also a nightmare as the buses are every 2 hours and it usually works out that she just misses one,and by the time she gets to town the buses have stopped running to wherewe live so she ends up walking the
2 miles home.
Again dh refuses to pick her up as he wants to have a drink.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which she is in the process of doing and she is an adult etc but to me it's about hepling someone out and being a nice person not a selfish one.
I have told him he is being selfish and so has his dad but he can't or won't see the problem.
It just annoys me so much when he won't help her out and i feel like he doesn't care.
I don't really know what i'm asking here i suppose i'm just venting.
Congratulations if you got through that!!

I walked for miles as a teen to my jobs in town untill I learned to drive. It's what you do.

Have you thought about taking driving lessons too? Sometimes it's hard when you are the sole driver in a family. Maybe your husband feels that.

It probably won't help you with the current situation, but this could be a good idea. I learnt to drive quite late when I was around 40. I was terrified of doing it, but our children had got to the age when they needed taking to various activities and socials. It seemed unfair that my husband had to do all the driving even though he didn't seem to mind.

I can see your husbands point of view really. I'm a bit of a soft touch, but taking public transport isn't too much of a hardship.

How old is your daughter? You haven't said.

I just thought i'd try here as i know aibu can be a bit harsh sometimes but as i said fair enough.

I think he's being mean aswell.

I can't imagine DH lying in and not taking DD to work when she's older in those circumstances. Of course once they can drive themselves it's different (or if the bus service was slightly better). We haven't slept in past 7am since we got our dog 8 years ago!! DD is 5 and DH is always up with her at or before 7am every day at the weekend because he starts work at 5am normally so doesn't get to see her every morning like I do.

I do agree though that, if there isn't any over-riding reason, you should learn to drive aswell if he's that lazy that he begrudges giving her a lift to work. At least then he can have his lie-in.

So how old is she???

Sorry I agree it's hard being the only driver in a family.
He needs a lie in.
Do you work?
How do you get to work?
7 mile bike ride is fine in this weather.
When it gets to winter then it's a bit different.

Why aren't you learning to drive?
Are you unable to?

Op I with you. He's being a selfish arse. I would get up to save someone all that hassle. Is dd his bio child?

I can understand that he doesn't want it to be a permanent arrangement but doing it every now and again wouldn't kill him.

I remember your last thread.

I still think he's being mean.

Mumsnet often seems to have this idea that no one in a family should do anything for each other just to help, that there always has to be direct reciprocation. Family members are meant to help each other, even at mild inconvenience to themselves. My parents would give me a ride without question in this situation.

Yes she is his dd,and she is 20(yes i know you are all going to gasp 20!!! Ffs!! Etc but to me it's not about how old she is or even if she's family it's about helping someone if you can)

OP has posted this before in AIBU. DD appears to be 19 and the OP says she doesn't work as she doesn't need too. So the OH shoulders all the driving and all the pressure of being the sole earner and it's still not enough?

No. Sorry. She's 20. Time to sort herself out, I'm afraid! My dd gets places under her own steam and she's 16. You're mollycoddling her - I know it's tempting, mind.

I was cycling 8 miles each way to one of my summer jobs at that age. No way would my parents have given me a lift. That's not entirely true - Dad did drive over and give me and my bike a lift home one evening when an almighty storm broke out - but that counted as exceptional circumstances. As a general rule, no lift; if you couldn't get yourself to the job, you couldn't take the job.

Took me about half an hour after the first week. I used to get there a little early to wash my face and brush my hair.

I remember this in AIBU. Can't believe you're still giving your DH a hard time about this. Its been ages.

When I was that age I walked over an hour to work every morning and evening as there were no buses. I had to bring my clothes in a bag and wash and change in the loos as I was soaked in sweat from the walk in the summer.

Most dads would be glad their DCs work and a percentage would willingly get up early a number of Saturdays a month to drive them. Eg every other Saturday?

I'm not an early bird myself so shall say here and now in his shoes I'd feel fed up giving up one of my two chances to lie in at weekends.

That said even nice towns can have dodgy outskirts so late at night I wouldn't be able to relax thinking a DC was walking home in darkness.

A taxi is a good idea but if DD is on low or minimum wage and pays you some board I don't suppose she can afford late night fares.

In summer it's a lot more bearable for her to get up early than in winter. Hopefully by October she'll have her driving licence. When she does her dad might expect her to do some chauffeuring about in which case he's going to be disappointed.

Would he rather shell out for a deposit on a house share in town so your DD is nearer to public transport?

PS You say you don't drive so it must be quite isolating for you unless there's a lot going on in your immediate neighbourhood. If it's not for medical reasons it might be worth considering tuition for yourself, it's never too late.

I totally agree with letterto. I would do this for my sister or mother or, on occasion, a friend. And no, I wouldn't expect a favour in return. Id do it because I love them and that's what family and friends do

I'm sure the op does plenty for her DH while he "shoulders the responsibility of providing". I'm sure that, elsewhere on mn a man who believes that working means that he is absolved of all family responsibility, would be called all shades of shit.

Working doesn't mean you are the king of the family and everyone has to worship at the shrine of your lie in

Who needs a lie in?

I am perfectly happy to get my DD1 (17) to the stables by 8.00am at weekends so she can either ride or be there to start work. That means not lying in beyond 7.00am any day of the week. She could cycle the 10 miles but it would take a long time and she is so tired at the end of a day on the yard, cycling home would be rather grim for her.

I do it because I take pleasure in helping her and she helps out lots at home because she wants to. She doesn't earn the lifts by helping out or vice versa. We help each other out because we care about each other.

I think it's a shame your DH doesn't want to make life a bit easier for his own DD when it would be so easy for him to do it.

Oh and here we get all the "I walked 57 miles at 12" answers. Great. Good for you. But I wouldn't want my dc to struggle if it were so easily in my power to help. And trust me, I'm a lazy arse who loves lie ins and beer

I even more agree with your DH I'm afraid as harsh as it may seem, if you don't work because you don't need to nor do you drive.

If she has to get there a bit early then so be it.

Maryz is it mean - probably the effect of being moaned at and expected to do it as the only driver in the house. I'm not surprised he's grumpy about it... give him a break.

I'm hoping your DH will help her buy her first car when she passes her test :0)

20....

Oh my god.

You and your DD learn to drive and stop depending on DH.

He is helping her! He takes her on Sunday.

I would do this, and do. DH would do this, and does.
We would not expect anything in return, we are just helping our DD and her boyfriend towards independence.
DD has just bought a moped, and is having driving lessons, so that will help, but very late nights, we will still be the taxi.

However, if your DH is not that sort of person, you cant turn him into the sort of person who WANTS to help, that is who he is :(

I think your DH is being a little unreasonable. When I was 23/24 and moved back in with my parents after a failed relationship, my Dad insisted on picking me up from work every night because he would rather that than worry about me getting home safely (and their house is only 2 miles from the city centre, where I worked). My BIL is the same with my 21 year old niece - he picks her up from work every night too. I think your DH should help your DD until she passes her driving test - its part and parcel of being a parent, isn't it? And its not like it's going to be forever...