Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

selfish dh

231 replies

exbrummie · 07/08/2014 11:41

I posted a similar thread in aibu a few months ago and got eaten alive,but thought i'd try here to see if people feel differently.
Dd works about 7 miles away in a place with a crap bus service,the buses are every hour(and that's after she has made her way into the town centre,about 2 miles from where we live).
She starts at 8am but because of the way the buses are the one at 7.50 gets her there too late,so she has to get the one at 6.50.
There are no buses from our house to the town centre that early so she cycles to town then gets the bus.
On saturdays dh refuses to give her a lift which would help her so much(i can't drive) because he has to get up all week and derseves a lie in.
He grudgingly does it on a sunday as the buses don't start until later,but this is on the condition that i get up on a saturday to get his paper so he gets a lie in.
Getting home on a sunday is also a nightmare as the buses are every 2 hours and it usually works out that she just misses one,and by the time she gets to town the buses have stopped running to wherewe live so she ends up walking the
2 miles home.
Again dh refuses to pick her up as he wants to have a drink.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which she is in the process of doing and she is an adult etc but to me it's about hepling someone out and being a nice person not a selfish one.
I have told him he is being selfish and so has his dad but he can't or won't see the problem.
It just annoys me so much when he won't help her out and i feel like he doesn't care.
I don't really know what i'm asking here i suppose i'm just venting.
Congratulations if you got through that!!

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 07/08/2014 14:17

Yeah, sorry I'm with the husband too.

I was the only driver in my family for a long time whilst my exH was "thinking" about learning to drive.

Really, really fucked me off.

The words "can I have a lift to...?" "can you just drive me to...?"

Now he's living back with his parents and his mother doesn't drive. It fucks him off too. To the point where he's apologised to me for it!

And it's not "funnily enough" that you weren't thinking about the future when you bought your house in the middle of nowhere. That's exactly the sort of thing you should have been considering. Or at least have made it a priority to learn to drive so you husband didn't feel he could never relax in case his services were required. Because, yes, that's how it feel.

petalsandstars · 07/08/2014 14:17

I lived in a place with no bus service as a child and had a part time job a similar distance away along country fast roads and not safe to walk/cycle. My parents took and fetched me from work until I passed my test as they'd chosen to live there.

So if it were me I'd give the lift.

D0oinMeCleanin · 07/08/2014 14:19

I have no teenagers, so can't say for sure what I'd do, but I started working when I was 15 and would walk 2 and half miles to and from work each day.

I'd never have dreamed of asking my full time working parents to get up early on their days off to take me.

There's no reason why a 20yo cannot get buses/cycle to work.

Ivehearditallnow · 07/08/2014 14:20

My parents took and fetched me from work until I passed my test as they'd chosen to live there.

Parents (plural) being the operative word.

Live in the sticks - learn to drive. Easy x

FolkGirl · 07/08/2014 14:20

If I was living with an adult, I would drive them if it only meant a few minutes out of my time or a couple of hours of theirs.

Really? On your days off? When you might want a lie in, or to watch crap telly, or to not get dressed for a while...?

Because this set up would mean it was like another work day, where you're clock watching and can't relax. It's tiring, stressful and hard work being constantly "on call".

I wouldn't do it for my children. Not at 20.

lettertoherms · 07/08/2014 14:24

What if OP had a weekend job with the same hours/transportation issues?

Would you all think it's totally fine for her husband to tell her to suck it up and deal with it and refuse to give her a ride?

SWIMTHECHANNEL · 07/08/2014 14:26

A boyfriend with a car would be a very useful acquisition.

PoppyAmex · 07/08/2014 14:26

"Would you all think it's totally fine for her husband to tell her to suck it up and deal with it and refuse to give her a ride?"

Yep. He gets up and drives her on Sunday, on Saturday he gets a lie in and she gets up earlier. Only fair.

It's also the same arrangement thousands of couples with a SAHP have; one works 5 days, does one morning at the weekend and the SAHP gets the other day.

D0oinMeCleanin · 07/08/2014 14:26

Yes, herms, I do. I'd assume OP/the daughter would have days off at other times. They wouldn't be expected to give up their time off, why should the husband, just because he drives/works different hours?

SWIMTHECHANNEL · 07/08/2014 14:27

Or a moped. My dad would have driven me to the ends of the earth rather than have me ride a donorcycle.

magpiegin · 07/08/2014 14:27

I'm also with the husband. Why should he get up on his weekend off to take another adult to work? If you think your husband is that unreasonable why didn't you take an intensive driving course after you posted before so you could drive her yourself?

I hope she's paying for the petrol etc for the lifts she is getting?

Ivehearditallnow · 07/08/2014 14:30

A boyfriend with a car would be a very useful acquisition.

Argh! (I've turned in to a pirate).

Women shouldn't have to rely on men to drive them around. FFS.

DaisyFlowerChain · 07/08/2014 14:30

"A boyfriend with a car would be a very useful acquisition."

That's the last thing she needs and do we really teach girls that they need a man in their life to do the things they don't want to. I'd live in internal hope that my sons partner chooses him for love not for the size of his wallet or because he comes running when she clicks her fingers.

EarthWindFire · 07/08/2014 14:32

What if OP had a weekend job with the same hours/transportation issues?

Yes I would. Although personally I wouldn't expect him to do it in the first place.

I would also if able learn to drive.

Viviennemary · 07/08/2014 14:37

I think it's quite reasonable for him to want a lie in at the weekend. I don't think your DD should be totally relying on lifts from parents all the time. If you think she should have a lift then my opinion is you should arrange this yourself by getting her a taxi.

lettertoherms · 07/08/2014 14:40

Because it's a kind thing to do. Because the other person does things in their "time off" for really no reason other than being kind and helpful.

I wouldn't never enjoy a lie-in knowing I could be taking a few minutes to save a family member several hours of inconvenience and especially walking alone in the early morning/night.

ZenNudist · 07/08/2014 14:42

ExBrummie I feel like you must have other issues with your marriage and so don't want to come across as harsh BUT feel your dh is right, not selfish.

He deserves a lie in on a Saturday and a drink on a Sunday evening. Your dd is way too old to be relying on parental lifts. At 20 she should be driving by now or happy to accept the inconveniences not driving brings.

Think you need to learn to drive. Thinking about it is an excuse. I think you may be fazed by starting now but you will relish the freedom and you really can't rely on your dh forever. At some point you're going to have emergency or adverse circs where you'll be glad you can.

Also I think your dd may have picked up your antipathy to driving. Set an example she can follow. My mum is funny about driving and it rubbed off on me and my dsis. It took me ages to learn, I lacked confidence to park & go on motorways, my dsis still won't learn at 33! You and your dd can learn together. It takes time and practice to build confidence.

Even if you do learn please don't ferry your dd around. So many people I know (& quite a few on here!) give their dc endless lifts, rather than encourage independence. I see spoilt mollycoddled young people everywhere with unpleasant entitled attitudes. I'm sure your dd isn't like that. (She's working and getting herself there by bus and bike). Your dh's attitude has helped in that respect!

Heyho111 · 07/08/2014 14:42

I totally understand where your coming from. Yes welcome to the working world but come on !!!! Who wouldn't help their child out. Tbh any member of our close family. I would help my child or partner and feel horrid for not.
It's not for ever as she's learning to drive. We have kids to support and help them. Yes make them independant too.
I hate this 'welcome to the real world' stuff. Great she's got a job and sticking at it. It would be nice if he had some pride and support for her.
I just know we would help ours - but may be we're too soft. But I'd rather be that way.

notinagreatplace · 07/08/2014 14:43

"Because the other person does things in their "time off" for really no reason other than being kind and helpful."

Is that the case, though? Maybe it is but based on the OP's attitude, I rather doubt that the daughter is particularly appreciative of the lifts that she does get and that she does nice things for her dad routinely.

GarlicAugustus · 07/08/2014 14:43

Yeah, he's not being unreasonable but he is being mean-spirited. IME people are rarely mean in just one aspect of their lives, so perhaps there are wider issues to discuss.

FWIW, I grew up never knowing that family members just do things to help one another out. It's rather sad to discover this later in adult life, I can tell you. Sorry to see so many fellow posters have also missed out on this important quality of family life.

OneSkinnyChip · 07/08/2014 14:44

Look, I think after the years of sacrifice involved in having small children (including no lie ins ever) I would expect to be able to enjoy one lie a week without guilt by the time they're 20. FFS! This is madness. Lots of us were living away from home at University / working abroad at this age and having to make our own way in the world. What is with this current obsession with infantilising adults?

OneSkinnyChip · 07/08/2014 14:46

And Garlic we really don't know if OP's Dh is mean-spirited or not. We know he goes out to work all week, takes DD to work on a Sunday. Honestly, how awful is it to ask for ONE LIE IN A WEEK?! That doesn't make him mean-spirited in the slightest, it just means that he wants one measly lie in a week

FolkGirl · 07/08/2014 14:48

Absolutely Skinny.

When I was 20 I'd lived away from home for 2 years and caught 2 buses (and had a walk either end and between )to work every day on my own in all weathers.

I survived.

And yes, it was a similarly rural location to the one the OP describes.

ThisIsLID · 07/08/2014 14:49

Imagine if it was the DH that needed lift at the weekend (but NOT during the week) so he could go to work. Would it be reasonable of his DW to take him as she can drive?
Of course it would!
So why is it different for him and his dd?

IMO not driving carries a lot if issue and yes it means that the one who is driving is ending up doing lifts that they might not want to do.
But this idea that because your dc is over 18yo then you shouldn't feel like helping them at all because they are adults .
That's not how I see family.

I'm wondering, what if in a few years the DH can't drive anymore and need a lift from his dd. shall she say 'no you are adult. Just deal with it' too?? Because that's surely what that sort of attitude will bring.

ThisIsLID · 07/08/2014 14:51

'Sacrifice for looking after your own children' ???

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10