selfish dh

[exbrummie]

I posted a similar thread in aibu a few months ago and got eaten alive,but thought i'd try here to see if people feel differently.
Dd works about 7 miles away in a place with a crap bus service,the buses are every hour(and that's after she has made her way into the town centre,about 2 miles from where we live).
She starts at 8am but because of the way the buses are the one at 7.50 gets her there too late,so she has to get the one at 6.50.
There are no buses from our house to the town centre that early so she cycles to town then gets the bus.
On saturdays dh refuses to give her a lift which would help her so much(i can't drive) because he has to get up all week and derseves a lie in.
He grudgingly does it on a sunday as the buses don't start until later,but this is on the condition that i get up on a saturday to get his paper so he gets a lie in.
Getting home on a sunday is also a nightmare as the buses are every 2 hours and it usually works out that she just misses one,and by the time she gets to town the buses have stopped running to wherewe live so she ends up walking the
2 miles home.
Again dh refuses to pick her up as he wants to have a drink.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which she is in the process of doing and she is an adult etc but to me it's about hepling someone out and being a nice person not a selfish one.
I have told him he is being selfish and so has his dad but he can't or won't see the problem.
It just annoys me so much when he won't help her out and i feel like he doesn't care.
I don't really know what i'm asking here i suppose i'm just venting.
Congratulations if you got through that!!

I'm not an older driver basher-I'm only just learning now, in my 40s. I don't think you can infer enjoying helplessness from not driving.

I do think non-drivers can easily underestimate what a pain ferrying other people can be though, very easily indeed.

Is there no way your daughter can find a colleague or someone who'll give her a lift at least on some days, for petrol money?

I did this with someone all one summer. We hated each other, but both needed the cash from job and lift respectively, so we gritted our teeth.

I remember, she punished me by playing that bloody Waterboys 'Dark of the Moon' crap song EVERY SINGLE MORNING. Still can't bear to listen to it.

Sorry, I'm not selling it to you, am I?

If you wanted to drive you would have started lessons after you posted your last thread. You don't work so if you have the money you have the time to do an intensive driving course, then you could drive your daughter every day if you wish!

I don't think I've ever seen a thread with such overwhelming support for a poster's husband!

I'm not an older-driver basher either, it's not the not driving that makes me think the OP enjoys feeling helpless, it's the "I would but I can't" stuff which is rubbish - she could if she wanted to, she is choosing not to. My mother is like this too - somehow, it's ok for her to "volunteer" other people to do things and get upset with them for not doing them but these same things are impossibly difficult for her to do.

exbrummie there is a solution to the problem of your DD walking home on her own on a Sunday: you go and meet her and walk back with her. Easy-peasy, simple-pimple.

Or is it only your DH who should put himself out to assist DD with her travel issues?

I'm with you there notin

I agree that the "I would if I could but I can't" mentalilty is the problem.

She can. Or rather she could. She hasn't said anything to suggest she would be incapable of learning to drive. She just hasn't bothered and now expects to be able to make demands of other people she isn't prepared to meet herself.

She could if she wanted to. But she doesn't want to. She doesn't see why she should. I'm sure that with an adult daughter and a husband out at work all day, there would be some time to take driving lessons. It would be, what? An hour a week?

I would live to be able to drive again to help my DP out but I actually can't.

I understand the pressure it puts him under because he has to do it all.

IMO OP you need to let this go. Your DD already gets a lift for one of the days I really don't see the issue with her having to sort herself out for the other.

In fact, given that the husband already gives up one of his weekend lie ins/relaxing afternoons to pick the daughter up. And the OP does none of them and has done nothing to improve this situation, I can see that there is only one person here who is monumentally selfish.

And it aint the husband...

I can imagine learning how to drive is daunting if you've been putting it off for so long. Rome wasn't built in a day. If you can afford it OP go for it - my mam learnt in her 30's and had big issues with cars/driving (was nearly killed in an accident as a child).

Do this for yourself and as much for your DD - you can help each other with theory tests etc.

And yes I'm in agreement with other posters that your DH is already being very fair by driving her to/from work one day of the weekend. If it matters to you enough then you need to learn yourself.

Also notinagreatplace is your DM my MIL?

It was 4 miles away in the other thread, OP. I remember thinking that would be around a fiver in a taxi (non-London prices here.)

Different job now.

Team DH.

So your DD had a job where she was reliant on your reluctant DH for transport, which she has now changed for a job where she is reliant on your reluctant DH for transport?

On the plus side, I think I finally managed to raise just the one eyebrow at that. I've been wanting to be able to pull that face for years.

I think he's being a bit mean about the Sunday night, I'd be worried about her safety too. My dad picked us up/dropped us off at that age. That said, it's not going to change, can you/she not afford the money for a taxi?

I was coming round to thinking your DH is wanting to encourage the independence of his DCs so they don't end up relying on a man for everything.

Have now read your other thread exbrummie did you go back to the doctor to see about anti-d's?

You said there that DH asks to see receipts when you go shopping and expects the change back. Because you don't earn you don't get a say in anything. DD's grandfather is paying for her driving lessons. DH wouldn't teach her (and I presume you) because she might damage the car. He had offered a regular lift when she got her previous job but withdrew the offer after she'd accepted it.

Being the sole earner is a strain and living with someone who's depressed can take it out of a person, I absolutely agree.

But I really hope you are in a position to look at working and learning to drive because if you can find the strength to make changes now I think that living apart must be better for all of you.

My dad wouldn't teach us to drive either

Maybe he felt ganged up on to say he would help with lifts (which he is doing) it does come across as he is being told he is uncaring and selfish if he doesn't.

Your DD has swapped one job (which she hadn't been in for long) for another with the same issues?

Nor mine

My dad picked us up/dropped us off at that age.

What? At 20?

I was at living on my own in at the other end of the country when I was 20!

OP - why don't you learn to drive?

I'm on your Hs side on this I'm afraid.....

Exactly what notinagreatplace said, Thu 07-Aug-14 17:44:14

(Well, first 2 paragraphs anyway. Quite possibly the OP does get up and cook the daughter's breakfast.)

20 is plenty old enough to be responsible for yourself. Getting the DCs to be independent and responsible is doing them a favour. Going through a little hardship can be extremely beneficial in the long run. Giving them lifts everywhere, just like giving them money every time they want something they can't afford, isn't actually doing them a favour at all, it's just teaching them to be dependent.

7 miles is not too far to cycle. If DD cycled all the way, surely she could leave home after 7am, instead of having to get up in time to cycle 2 miles to catch the 06:50 bus. So why doesn't she cycle all the way?

It's unreasonable of any of us to make a judgement as to the OP's lifestyle. How is it any of our business if she works or not? She does all the housework and has done all the childcare over the years so I don't see that's at issue here. Or are those of you telling her to get a job saying that "woman's work" in the home has no value? Yikes!

However, the OP has repeatedly failed to explain why she doesn't drive, despite being asked several times, so it is fair to assume it is through choice. Therefore it is totally unreasonable for her to criticise DH for failing to do something she won't do herself.

DH already forgoes a lie-in on Sunday, in order to take DD to work. I'm with the others who say give him a break! Let him have his one lie-in, just once a week. If he didn't do it on Sundays either, I might think the OP had a teensy tiny point, but he does.

And wanting to have a drink before 8pm on a Sunday doesn't make him an alcoholic - whoever said that is just ridiculous. Putting alcohol before his daughter? If he missed her wedding or her graduation or wouldn't go to the hospital when she was ill because he would rather stay home and have a drink - now that would be serious. But expecting her to make her own way home from work... get real, people.

OP, if there are other problems in your marriage then seriously, concentrate on those. You are making yourself look silly with this one.

Whoops, sorry, didn't realise that was so long!

My dad wouldn't teach us to drive either
Some people aren't cut out to be amateur driving instructors. Sometimes the family car isn't suitable for a learner (our reasonably new 3 litre auto people carrier certainly isn't). Sometimes the insurance for a learner is unaffordable. It isn't something a parent has to do for their DC.

Sorry, not being snippy to the quoted poster, just awkwardly agreeing!

Also team DH

Do you have young children also, and this is the reason looking after the house so well is a full time job? Maybe it's a gigantic house with annexes?

Sorry if that sounds unhelpful, but not knowing the rest of your life I think he should be given a break.