selfish dh

[exbrummie]

I posted a similar thread in aibu a few months ago and got eaten alive,but thought i'd try here to see if people feel differently.
Dd works about 7 miles away in a place with a crap bus service,the buses are every hour(and that's after she has made her way into the town centre,about 2 miles from where we live).
She starts at 8am but because of the way the buses are the one at 7.50 gets her there too late,so she has to get the one at 6.50.
There are no buses from our house to the town centre that early so she cycles to town then gets the bus.
On saturdays dh refuses to give her a lift which would help her so much(i can't drive) because he has to get up all week and derseves a lie in.
He grudgingly does it on a sunday as the buses don't start until later,but this is on the condition that i get up on a saturday to get his paper so he gets a lie in.
Getting home on a sunday is also a nightmare as the buses are every 2 hours and it usually works out that she just misses one,and by the time she gets to town the buses have stopped running to wherewe live so she ends up walking the
2 miles home.
Again dh refuses to pick her up as he wants to have a drink.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which she is in the process of doing and she is an adult etc but to me it's about hepling someone out and being a nice person not a selfish one.
I have told him he is being selfish and so has his dad but he can't or won't see the problem.
It just annoys me so much when he won't help her out and i feel like he doesn't care.
I don't really know what i'm asking here i suppose i'm just venting.
Congratulations if you got through that!!

But the husband, in this scenario, LID is responsible for transporting himself and his wife everywhere, already. Adding another adult into the mix is unfair.

By the time I got to 16, my bike was my main mode of transport. That, by foot and the bus, were how I got everywhere. My parents very rarely gave me lifts by then. And I wouldn't have expected them to.

I doubt the DH is mean, from the sounds of it the OP hasn't worked for many many years and still expects not to now her children are adults. Sadly for the DH, it's a luxury he can't have if he wishes to keep a roof over his head and food on the table.

Maybe he's just sick of being taken for granted and has finally put his foot down or perhaps he hopes his daughter will learn to fend for herself rather than simply find a man willing to do it all.

Anyway, the OP could easily resolve this situation by learning to drive herself. Then she can drive her daughter anywhere she likes.

Unfortunately, she currently expects someone else to do something she is unwilling to do herself. And yes, she is unwilling, or she would have learned to drive by now...

No his DW is looking after herself using the bus. She doesn't need him.
As for the rest where they are both going somewhere together, well they are together.

And it's not unfair to help your own dcs.

It really doesn't matter who is giving lifts to who or when or why.

No adult is entitled to be taxi'd around by any other adult, related to them or not for any reason.

In my world adults are responsible for getting themselves to work.

I'd get OP's point if he was up already and happened to be doing nothing, but she is expecting him to give up his lie in and the few drinks he has on Sunday.

Right
I hope your husband realise that he showing child how he want to treated when he cant drive ( this might happen if he has a injury or when he get old )

He is showing her that a lie in in more important that a lift.
And drinking is most important thing in his life .

I would OP learn to drive buy a car share with your child till she can afford to get her own and insure it.

Nobody should be putting drinking 1st . Your husband has problem with drink .

She doesn't NEED him...? she NEEDS a bus - if the buses aren't running she asks DH and probably whines if it's inconvenient.

She needs a bloody car. And a job.

It is unreasonable to expect someone to do something you are unwilling to do yourself. Which, I imagine, is the crux of it for the husband.

His wife (the OP) could have learned to drive at any point over the last 10 years. Then she could have driven the daughter herself. But she didn't. She just expects to be able to instruct someone else to do it.

On reflection, I think this is the part that would irk me if I was the husband. He's probably trying to avoid his daughter turning out like her mother.

A drink problem?

FFS.

I put alcohol above letting my children have endless weekends of sleepovers once or twice a month.

You know why? I work damn hard to provide them with all the popcorn, sofa beds, spare duvets etc their sleepovers require. I deserve a break.

As does OPs husband. He's spent 20 years providing for his wife and daughter. He's earned a few pints on a sunday night without it making him a raging alcoholic.

And tbh we have no idea what us the family situation with the OP and her DH.

It's far from unusual that SAHM never go back to work when their dcs are adults, starting with the fact that finding a job when you haven't worked for 15~20 years is nearly impossible.
It might be that the OP can't work for whatever reason.
It can be that she is finding it very hard to learn to drive (I know a friend if mine who gave up after trying about 10 times).
It might be that this is the first time that her needing to drive would really make a difference.

I love how posters know nothing about what happens around but make assumptions that fit their theory or rather the fact they couldn't be bothered to get up for their nearly adult dc.

Bloody Hell, Long I don't have problem with drinking, but if I could never have a drink and relax at the weekend because I was always clockwatching for the time I had to go out and pick someone up from work, it would annoy me too.

It's not about alcohol being a priority, it's about being able to relax on your days off and have some autonomy in how you spend that time!

Well it's an internet forum, LID. No one can go on anything other than is given. And if the OP has factors she's not willing to disclose, that's fair enough, but we can't be expected to account for every hypothetical possiblity in our responses.

I'm pretty sure the OP would be delighted to give her dd a lift if she could drive though.
And where on earth did she say she instructed her DH to do so? They probably just discussed the issue and she said she though she was fair to help their dd. which I would agree with too.

So the DH is showing his daughter that alcohol is more important than being at her beck and call but yet the OP is fine teaching her that the man should provide for her every need and be the designated driver

How can you moan at somebody fancying a drink one night at the weekend knowing that for years on end they have had to work to pay for your every need? There's no excuse to not learn to drive (apart from a few medical conditions) and childcare/dependants leave is available so no reason to have to give up work or not start when children attend school.

No wonder so many students are so bloody hopeless when they arrive at university! I bet the parents taking their children for every single shift at work when they could cycle are the same parents who phone up lecturers demanding to know why precious DS got such a low grade...

I love how posters know nothing about what happens around but make assumptions that fit their theory

But LID don't you see this is exactly what you yourself are doing? You are assuming that:

-Op's DH is a meanie

• OP didn't go back to work because she couldn't get a job or can't work for some medical reason (maybe she never worked? maybe she couldn't be arsed? Maybe she wasn't that fussed until recently?)

-OP is somehow scared of / unable to drive? (most of the adult non-drivers I know either couldn't afford to learn or couldn't be bothered to learn when there was already a driver in the house).

Lots of people are reading between the lines on this thread, including you. We're all projecting and trying to fill in the gaps. But the only info we have to go on is that this man DOES drive his DD to work on one of his days off but quite reasonably wants the other morning to himself. And that the DD is 20, not 13 as I assumed when I read the original OP. So he wants one lie in a week which does not seem REMOTELY unreasonable.

I have a feeling that the husband would probably help in an emergency or unforeseen situation (bus strike, snow, etc), but does not want to commit every weekend for an indefinite amount of time to ferrying around an adult. That doesn't make him selfish, it makes him sane.

I'm pretty sure the OP would be delighted to give her dd a lift if she could drive though.

Well she doesn't wirk all week...

And where on earth did she say she instructed her DH to do so? They probably just discussed the issue and she said she though she was fair to help their dd. which I would agree with too.

OP has said that he is selfish and has discussed it with IL also and that he isn't a nice person for not wanting to...

I love how posters know nothing about what happens around but make assumptions that fit their theory or rather the fact they couldn't be bothered to get up for their nearly adult dc.

Neither do we know anything about him. Maybe he works 90 hours a week or us in a very manual job and needs a rest? But that wouldn't fit in with other theories..

TBH, it doesn't matter if he tests mattresses for comfort 5 days a week. He's the only earner and wants to not have to get up early both mornings of the weekend, and to be able to have a drink on a Sunday.

I have a feeling it'll be a long long long time before OP actually learns to drive. This issue has been going on for months now.

It does make you wonder exactly what the atmosphere is like in the house. Fair play to the 20 year old for having (and obviously keeping all this time) the job, but I wonder if this is a weekly Cold War every Sunday where the DH has to burrow defiantly into the blankets whilst OP has a face on all day, and makes a big fuss when the poor ickle daughter arrives home that night.

Thanks for all the replies.
Sorry can't remember who said what but i may not have provided for my dc finacially but have emotionally.
The area we live in isn't remote or isolated and has a reasonable bus service in day it's just the evenings and sunday where it goes pear shaped.
I may not have worked for a long time,but that doesn't make me lazy,i do everything in the house( and i mean everything) not complaining as it's fair enough but i don't sit on my arse all day.

I don't think anyone is saying you haven't contributed to the household OP but your DH contributes too. Most people seem to agree that him having one solitary lie-in a week isn't a selfish act.

And to repeat learning to drive yourself really will go a long way to help in this situation.

couldn't be bothered to get up for their nearly adult dc
NEARLY - good grief.
She's 20 years old.
I was holding down 3 jobs and driving myself to each and every one of them at that age. (I remember the war! NOT)
YES 20 years old.
She's been able to learn to drive for 3-4 years.
Her mother could have learnt for all of her adult life but has chosen not to.
Let's not deny the DH a bit of down time FFS.

Emboldened by drink one New Year I asked a woman of my acquaintance who couldn't drive and didn't work why she'd opted not to. She said her H only agreed to DCs providing she took total care of them so childcare came out of her wages. He controlled the household outgoings and didn't think she needed driving lessons. Even when a relation offered to lend her the money he wouldn't let her practise in 'his' car. She started lessons anyway but started experiencing panic attacks. This led to agoraphobia making working impossible.

Much much later I heard her homebird "ickle" DS who I'd thought was dragging his feet flying the nest was staying home because he feared the bullying would intensify when he left.

I try not to project when reading MN but admit it's sometimes hard not to. It doesn't help an OP so sorry exbrummie.

I am glad you came back to your thread, you are getting honest opinions if not very easy to read ones.

exbrummie did you use the time between the last thread and this one to find a job or learn to drive?