selfish dh

[exbrummie]

I posted a similar thread in aibu a few months ago and got eaten alive,but thought i'd try here to see if people feel differently.
Dd works about 7 miles away in a place with a crap bus service,the buses are every hour(and that's after she has made her way into the town centre,about 2 miles from where we live).
She starts at 8am but because of the way the buses are the one at 7.50 gets her there too late,so she has to get the one at 6.50.
There are no buses from our house to the town centre that early so she cycles to town then gets the bus.
On saturdays dh refuses to give her a lift which would help her so much(i can't drive) because he has to get up all week and derseves a lie in.
He grudgingly does it on a sunday as the buses don't start until later,but this is on the condition that i get up on a saturday to get his paper so he gets a lie in.
Getting home on a sunday is also a nightmare as the buses are every 2 hours and it usually works out that she just misses one,and by the time she gets to town the buses have stopped running to wherewe live so she ends up walking the
2 miles home.
Again dh refuses to pick her up as he wants to have a drink.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which she is in the process of doing and she is an adult etc but to me it's about hepling someone out and being a nice person not a selfish one.
I have told him he is being selfish and so has his dad but he can't or won't see the problem.
It just annoys me so much when he won't help her out and i feel like he doesn't care.
I don't really know what i'm asking here i suppose i'm just venting.
Congratulations if you got through that!!

Missed that... He does take her one day.

He is the only driver and works throughout the week. I don't think it's at all unreasonable at 20 for her to sort herself out the rest if the time.

Please look into learning to drive if you can. Like I said I was petrified and had loads of lessons, but I passed first time and have no idea how I managed without driving. I love it.

20 or not she is holding down a job not asking DF to ferry her to frivolous pastimes so agree it wouldn't kill him to give her an occasional lift.

Plus I don't fancy cycling along some of the lanes and roads near me and yes at 6am onwards the traffic starts long before what I call rush hour.

As you posted in Relationships not Chat OP I get the feeling that this issue with DD and her route to work is not the only aggravating aspect of marriage to DH or am I barking up the wrong tree.

20 or not she is holding down a job not asking DF to ferry her to frivolous pastimes so agree it wouldn't kill him to give her an occasional lift.

He does on a Sunday

As you posted in Relationships not Chat OP I get the feeling that this issue with DD and her route to work is not the only aggravating aspect of marriage to DH or am I barking up the wrong tree.

The OP posted exactly the same question in AIBU and has explained that she had reposted here to see if people feel differently.

No you are barking up the exact tree donkey.

At 20 your travel arrangements are your own responsibility. She shouldn't have took the job if she felt the travel was too much hassle.

Fair enough if your dh wanted to do it but he doesn't and as far as I'm concerned he is well within his rights not to want to. He's an adult, she's an adult. I think you should let this one go.

No you are barking up the exact tree donkey.

Then it may be part of a bigger issue.

In this particular insidence however, I don't think he is being unfair.

"It's part and parcel of being a parent"

If that's the case, why does the OP not do it herself. She's not working so has had many many hours to learn and has ample free time to do lifts etc.

DD should cycle or get a job closer to home. Why is it DH responsibility to ferry her around?

re the newspaper - just get it delivered?

If you have other issues with DH and this is just the tip of the iceberg, maybe you would get more sympathetic responses if you led with the other issues, rather than you objecting to DH reluctance to be an unpaid taxi driver?

Could you learn to drive?

Can you answer some of the questions OP?

Why don't you drive?

Do you work?

If he is the sole earner as well as the driver then I agree with your DH.

Who wanted to live in such a remote area without public transport if you don't drive?
I didn't used to be able to drive for medical reasons so at the time I made sure I lived where I had good public transport links.

I didn't learn until I was 39. My mil passed at 62 ( eventually!) is there a medical reason preventing you?

If she was my child I would never refuse to do that for her and would eat DH alive if he was grumbling about it.
Tbh the 'I'm doing it if you, my DW, is going to pick the part for me' smacks of blackmailing.

And yes learning to drive would help, but only if she has a car too and guessing your DH won't want to lent his car either. So it means she needs to have the funds to 1- but the car and then 2- run the car. Is that the case?

What else is going on in your relationship?

I think his insistence on HIS lie in, and you getting his paper etc sounds dodgy.

Yes she is 20 and should sort herself out (most of the time) but my DD stays over with my folks when she is working (17, summer job during school hols, and we live another 20 miles away with no buses after the time she finishes)

My DF (so her DGF) will drop her to the train on occasion, and will either pick her up from the train after her shift, or, if he has had a glass of wine, will walk down to meet her so she doesn't have to walk back up a lonely road on her own.

However none of this is asked for (by her or me) - it's just because we are all family and will do things for each other.

(she wanted a lift the other day to a place 6 miles away that would be a 90 min journey due to buses, so she bought him a bag of his favourite sweets and bribed him)

Also my car is comfier for him than his. So when he goes on a golf trip (200 mile drive) in a few weeks, we will swap cars for a week.

So I think on balance YANBU but it sounds like there is more going on?

If there was no other way round the journey, I would help her out with lifts. But she could cycle the 7 miles (if a bus can drive those roads, they can't be that unsafe), and save herself a lot of time.

However, I take my hat of to your DD for her commitment to work, I know that sounds obvious but a lot of 20 year olds these days do not expect to have to work 7 days a week.

And sorry OP if there are other issues between you and DH that are riling you. Maybe post about these separately so you can assess how you feel/what you want to do.

And yes yes yes to not getting his paper! Isn't there a paper delivery service where you live?

OP can post where she likes Chat, Parenting, 30 Days Only, What Would You Do? I just wondered why Relationships but thanks EWF.

OP it just crossed my mind you might need to unload a bit but all in your own time.

As far as DD and her driving lessons go, if you and DH are funding the cost he is helping her to help herself although whether she can afford to run her own car could be a stumbling block.

I thought DD works during the week but if it's just Sat and Sun then yes one single trip to oblige her out of a possible four doesn't look so stingy.

If this is a straw breaking the camel's back you might want to vent more don't feel you have to, maybe a fresh thread is a good idea.

I think his insistence on HIS lie in, and you getting his paper etc sounds dodgy.

Maybe the OP lies in during the week? As the sole earner maybe he works very long hours. Who knows?

It can be hard when you are the only driver in the family and it is assumed that you do x y and z.

For medical reasons I am unable to drive and have mobility issues. I have not however nor would I expect others to give me lifts all the time.

Im with your DH - She's 20, he takes her one day. I think having a lie in the other day is absolutely fine. She's an adult! She could cycle the whole way.

Earth am possibly projecting a little of my own situation here, hadn't really taken your points into account. I drive as do all my siblings and my DF, but my DM doesn't (and takes public transport all the time, doesn't look for lifts). I think we do need a bit more info about the family situation in general and what you have said.

To answer the questions
No i don't work(but am looking for a job)
I don't drive,but i'm thinking about learning.
I'm not particularly isolated as the bus service is fine to town in the daytime,it's just sundays and early mornings late nights that it gets infrequent/ none existant.
When we moved here 10 years ago,funnily enough i wasn't thinking"how will dd get to work in 10 years time.

OP you sound a bit out of touch to be honest.

If I was DH I'd have bought you an intensive driving course for Xmas a long time ago.

Please stop whingeing about this - she's 20, work is tough (including the commute sometimes) - when she is driving she'll realise it can be annoying being designated driver sometimes. Sometimes he drives her, sometimes he wants to lie in instead.

Sounds like he drives you both about - getting him a paper isn't really somthing to book in to a womens' shelter about! Give and take. Not take, take, take and nag when he wants a lie in.

Poor bloke, he can't even have a lie in once a week without his OH nagging him to do something else.

Agree with Ivehearditall in that you sound out of touch. You have been home for numerous years where he has had no choice but to work and do all the car journeys and yet he's the bad guy. You're moaning about fetching a newspaper once a week but he's not allowed to moan re lifts?

What would happen if he suddenly loses his licence or leaves etc? With no recent work experience and poor transport links you have put far too many eggs in one basket. Maybe this will teach your daughter to be independent and not reliant on a man to provide for her every need.

Daisy thanks. I'll take him a paper. And a . And some ear plugs.

There's some spoilt brat behaviour here... not from DD .

I'm with your DH here, I'm afraid. There's a big difference between an occasional lift and giving up a lie-in both Saturday and Sunday mornings as well as not being able to drink at the weekend indefinitely.

I also slightly wonder whether he didn't want to agree to do it every single time because he thought that otherwise - like you - your daughter wouldn't bother learning to drive and so he'd be stuck with it forever.

I get the impression that you haven't had a job for a long time - working full-time Monday-Friday is tiring and most people want to switch off a bit at the weekend, have a lie-in, have a drink.

I also somewhat wonder whether your daughter has ever actually thanked her dad for the significant number of lifts that he does give her? Or for the (I'm guessing) accommodation, bills, food, etc, that he provides for her? Does she ever do anything nice for him?

I'm 33 and every.single.time that my dad gives me a lift (which he does from time to time), I say thank you, I don't take it for granted.

Bottom line: it's not for you to decide what favours your DH chooses to do for someone else. If you feel so strongly, learn to drive and drive her yourself or get a job and pay for her taxis.