selfish dh

[exbrummie]

I posted a similar thread in aibu a few months ago and got eaten alive,but thought i'd try here to see if people feel differently.
Dd works about 7 miles away in a place with a crap bus service,the buses are every hour(and that's after she has made her way into the town centre,about 2 miles from where we live).
She starts at 8am but because of the way the buses are the one at 7.50 gets her there too late,so she has to get the one at 6.50.
There are no buses from our house to the town centre that early so she cycles to town then gets the bus.
On saturdays dh refuses to give her a lift which would help her so much(i can't drive) because he has to get up all week and derseves a lie in.
He grudgingly does it on a sunday as the buses don't start until later,but this is on the condition that i get up on a saturday to get his paper so he gets a lie in.
Getting home on a sunday is also a nightmare as the buses are every 2 hours and it usually works out that she just misses one,and by the time she gets to town the buses have stopped running to wherewe live so she ends up walking the
2 miles home.
Again dh refuses to pick her up as he wants to have a drink.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which she is in the process of doing and she is an adult etc but to me it's about hepling someone out and being a nice person not a selfish one.
I have told him he is being selfish and so has his dad but he can't or won't see the problem.
It just annoys me so much when he won't help her out and i feel like he doesn't care.
I don't really know what i'm asking here i suppose i'm just venting.
Congratulations if you got through that!!

Your husband makes his teenage daughter walk two miles home - alone - because he wants to have a drink?

Sure, why not. That's sounds safe doesn't it.

I personally think you're husband's being a bit of a twat. Your daughter is showing responsibility by getting a job, and he is giving her absolutely no credit for that at all.

Alternatively, can you learn to drive and help?

Is he selfish in other respects as well or is this the only thing?

So many typos and mistakes of grammar. I give up!

Unless you are digging roads, for a healthy man in the pro did life, working Monday to Friday is not so tiring that you can't get up at 8am. That's ridiculous.

And nobody is saying he can't drink all weekend. He has to wait till 8pm. Again, not exactly torture.

I'm aghast that so many people think this man should be treated as some kind of demi god because he works. He should not have to lift a finger at weekends abs have his grapes peeled for go because he provides for his family. It's what parents do

Pro did = prime of

She's 20! You know, a grown up??
Bloody hell... I despair I really do.

So what age do you stop loving and helping them ive. I'm interested.

I don't know about anyone else but, yeah, I could get up at 8am on the weekends after working Monday-Friday but I would really prefer not to. If I did it every Sunday to do someone a favour, I'd not appreciate being called selfish for not doing it every Saturday as well.

I also think that, at 20 years old, the daughter is old enough to make her own decisions about personal safety - it's a bit infantalising, I think, to suggest that he is somehow putting her at risk. She can decide for herself whether she would prefer a taxi or to cycle or to walk or whatever.

You never stop. You help them to help themselves - no?

Treating a 20 year old woman like she's 5 isn't showing more love, Bit.

Well lying in bed when getting to for 30 minutes to drive her and save her a 1 hour 40 minute journey doesn't seem very living either. How is that helping her to help herself?

And as I say, I LOVE my weekend lie ins. But to help someone I loved out, I wouldn't hesitate

The issue for me isn't that she is a grown up. Bring a grown up doesn't mean that you have to be fully independent if everybody else all the time.
For me, family us about supporting each other. So if one member if the family needs a helping hand, for example by getting a lift at 8.00am on a Saturday, then I think it's fair to do it. Especially if you know it's a short term situation because your dd us also getting driving lessons.
I think it's true for a dd, a DH or a DW.

What I am very uneasy about us the fact that he us using blackmail (only doing that if you fetch the paper for me) and for reasons that tbh smacks of entitlement. I want MY lie in and MY drink whenever I want. If he was exhausted, let's say had ME, then fair enough re the sleep. The drink? Sorry but I can't find any reason to let your dd down for a drink. I mean he is planning to get plastered every Sunday evening so he can't drive?

Good for you Bit! I'm the same...

But I don't think him wanting a lie in or asking for a paper is acting like a 'demi god'...

He IS being selfish... so what? Isn't he allowed to be? Aren't we all every now and then?

It's not as if he isn't doing any. Hecdoes the Sunday. All he has asked is not to want to do the Saturday. I don't think that is unreasonable.

On that one day DD could get the earlier bus. Getting into work a little earlier one day isn't going to hurt her.

Hmm. OP, have you spent years being the Ickle Woman, whining if asked to do anything challenging like learn to drive or get a job? Are you the sort of drip who encourages her DD to be dainty and feminine and ask men to look after her?
SHe's an able-bodied 20 year old who, by the sound of it, is keen to gain her independence. You do her no favours by encouraging her to think of herself as a fragile flower who needs her daddy to take her to work every day in case a big dog barks at her or something.

LID - plastered? Don't think OP said that.

Also - I disagree, I think part of being a grown up is being as independent as soon as possible.

It's easy for OP to judge him for wanting a lie in and a paper (LTB! What a bastard!!) when she's sat on her arse. Sorry, but it's true.

"He IS being selfish... so what? Isn't he allowed to be? Aren't we all every now and then?"

Yes, exactly. I assume that exbrummie hasn't learned to drive before now because she didn't want to. He's not giving up both his weekend lie-ins because he doesn't want to. What's the difference?

Well the OP is neither helping with lifts or financially providing for any of her children so it's not obviously what all parents do.

I'd be happy to assist with lifts but if my DH insisted on making me the only driver and earner and then moaning I needed to do more he'd soon be told!

It's a good lesson for her daughter to learn, if she can be self reliant it will benefit her greatly in adult life.

What I am very uneasy about us the fact that he us using blackmail (only doing that if you fetch the paper for me)

But the OP and DD aswell as other members if the family ll seem to be having a go at him about it.

They are calling him selfish.

DS is 20 and has a job, late shift 3pm to 11pm and every night I go and collect him, it would take a bus and train to get him home, and depending on the driver if the bus was anyway late he'd miss the train. He's in the process of learning to drive, until he can I'll keep collecting him, means not having a sly glass of wine when the other kids are gone to bed :) but I'll survive. At some stage he'll be gone, moved out and have his own family and I'll miss my few minutes alone time with him.......at the end of the day, it's giving your adult child a lift........really is it that much of a hardship????????????

Place - Erm, that she is 'looking' to get a job and 'thinking' about driving when he's been working for god knows how many years??

And it sounds like he IS giving up some of his weekend because he'll get called selfish and slagged off on the internet for months if he doesn't.

And whoever was going on about entitlement - is that not MAJORLY the case with OP?

I'd be happy to assist with lifts but if my DH insisted on making me the only driver and earner and then moaning I needed to do more he'd soon be told!

I agree. My DP has a lie in at weekends as during the week he is the sole earner and driver. I certainly wouldn't begrudge him a lie on at the weekend or call him selfish because he wouldn't give up every weekend for the force able future.

Your daughter is 20 years old? And your husband is out working all week while you are at home? I'm on his side here I'm afraid. You're 'thinking' about learning to drive? I remember your original thread and tbh you'd have been better spending the last few months having driving lessons instead of fretting over this.

That said, if there are special circumstances like horrendous weather then it would be kind of him to do it. But what would you be doing at the time? If you'd be lying in bed while he's driving her I can understand why he says no!

Those saying 'it's what you do for your dc' - even your adult dc when theres a bus try can get . The op's DH's job as a father is so paramount he can not have a single lie in or drink at the weekend? Come on!

Dude, I'm a SAHM at the moment and I INSIST on one lie in every week (I think most posters on MN think that's reasonable and fair).

So if I was the sole earner in the house and got up early on a Sunday to drive my daughter you can bet your bottom dollar I'd want a lie in on a Saturday.

OP's gone quiet... do you think she is sulking and has gone to take it out on the cleaner/gardner/Ocado man?

Seriously though, OP - get those lessons booked OP - you'll feel so much more independent when you can drive yourself and others about when you like x