I think my whole world fell apart .... Again

[Justnotimaginitive]

So all the classics really, distancing, finding fault, his life is shit, he wants more from life but still wants to be with me etc etc

Anyway he had plans to go out last night with some people from work and stay at 'Paul's' house as was easier, I said to him on thurs about asking his parents to have the kids and I'll go with him, he looked and put me off 'partners not going ' that sort of thing. Made me slightly suspicious but didn't say anything.

I just checked his phone and he has an email saying his has a message from a girl from work on FB, it is literally just a pic of a character holding a great big heart with lots of love hearts surrounding it, this is what I think it is isn't it ?? There was nothing else on the phone no messages can't get on to his FB but it's bloody obvious. It said it was part of a conversation.

I'm just putting DD2 to bed and he is putting DS to bed but I think this is the end I am so gutted

He is now arguing over telling DD2 thinks she should have smiles and fun before he tells her or it will confuse her more so will tell her when he's been with her a few hrs.

I've told him this wasn't my choice I didn't choose to do this and wanted to tell them together:
He has come back with this shows how much we have drifted apart because we can't agree on the kids !!

I'm going to have to tell her in the morning or I won't know what he has said at all.

He's being such a twat.

Of course he can't just swan in and take her out for the day and drop a bombshell later on - idiot.

Tell him that his options are telling her, with you, when he arrives or not having the kids. End of.

Funny how people drift apart when one of them is fucking someone else Don't hold back with him.

I agree with cafe. He tells her with you present or he does not see her, period. God only knows what shit he would try to fill her young head with!

He hadn't thought about telling DD2 anything at all. He hadn't decided whether to do it when he first arrived at his dad's or after a day of frolics and fun bloody disney dad.

Really, you should both be there if he can be trusted to relate to you in an adult manner. I would tell him by email that you will be doing it together when he picks her up. When he arrives invite him in and start the conversation with DD. He doesn't get the choice.

Cafe has it spot on.

He takes her out for the day, plays "Dad Of The Year" and then just as he drops her home...

Big Bang.

So Mum Of The Century does what she knows all too well: Pick up the pieces, looks after a very discombobulated child/ren, and masks the seething.

What a habit he's relying on.

Here's an alternative.

The father of the children, and the mother of the children, agree that they are separating. They agree these are for adult reasons, and the children are not to blame. They are loved by both parents.

This is the message that the children receive.

Then, having given the children the Big Bang, the children are taken away from the chat, and allowed to be children: see that having 1:1 time with one parent at a time is great.

The fact that the parents are divorcing is not a matter for the children. All the children ask is that their parents behave like adults.

And, that, my love is why you do not carry on lying for your husband.

He made his decision - you're in control now.

I emailed back and told him not to make problems that aren't there and he is making problems to give himself permission to leave.

I will need to tell her on my own as you said cake I can't trust him not to fill her little head with shit and she's only 4 she needs me there when she is told. I know he would leave it till just before she is brought home.

Or I wait and when he comes to get them as soon as he arrives I tell him he has to tell her or he isn't taking them and risk a big argument.

I took a sleeping pill tonight it hasn't worked I am still wide awake. I don't want him to take my babies I don't want that.

Hope you got some sleep. Adrenaline seems to override sleeping tablets in my case.

Well I got a little bit of sleep but yes adrenaline seems to override sleeping pills in me too.

I want a numb day today but I don't think that's going to happen.

You mention you can't eat? I am exactly the same when I am upset. Milkshake and yoghurt will help for now.

Frog - I've lost 10 lb this week, I was already at target weight so I am looking very thin and gaunt right now. I just can't stomach anything I don't know how to I can't even force it because I feel sick.

If this pain would go I may be able do something I so so wish I could turn it off but it's there just this horrible pain in the middle of my chest taking my breathe away. I need to get angry and I need to hate him so this doesn't hurt anymore.

But you have to drink right? Milkshake (I don't like plain milk) or something like complan?

Well I told DD2 this morning I couldn't risk him coming here and refusing to do it. Not entirely sure she has understood but she has taken it well, I'm sure I'll get the questions through the day though.

I think you are right to make sure he can't come back into the house. If you can get his keys back from him, so much the better. If not, then change the locks. It is usually very easy to do. And don't let him into the house to get stuff - and i realise this advice may be too late for this - but pack his stuff into a bag. A black bin bag is always a good option. Leave it outside for him when he is due to arrive.

I have been where you are and felt sick and frightened. You will cope; just take one day at a time - one minute at a time - and things will fall into place. After a few months, i realised that i was much healthier and happier without him. You will get through this. Your sister and bf sound like the perfect support system.

Good luck.

Another one who's been where you are, just, 20 years ago, discovering that my then H wanted out of the marriage (OW in the wings, 'love of his life' etc) leaving me with 3 small children. My heart was broken, all the pain, grief that you are suffering - but putting my DCs needs first kept me going (and minimised the impact on them). It's not fair, it's not right, it's not what you wanted. Remember that you can no longer trust your STBXH to do anything in anyone's interests but his own, and he is an accomplished liar - such a toxic combo, so no trusting him with financial things At All. You will get through this - you are Woman!

Well done - it's incredibly hard, and it feels oh so wrong to have to do it, but you've managed it.

It is also the first time you have accomplished something that would have felt like the hardest thing to do in the world.

And you've managed it all by yourself. You've decided to be adult and do it responsibly. You have decided to do it on your terms.

You're already erasing his negative influence on you.

Aren't you amazing!

We all understand the heartbreak, we really do. We all know about being a snotty undignified mess. There's no way to switch it off, but it does burn itself out. There would be something wrong with you if you just shrugged your shoulders about him leaving.

And every time you accomplish something difficult or new, your self-esteem benefits - it gets a little bit repaired. When your self-esteem heals, you are healed.

Work on making you feel a better about yourself - and that includes getting some calories into you: drinks, smoothies, milkshakes, hot-chocolates.

On changing the locks/legal issues just be careful because in law he and you both have a right to live in the house you both own.

Greengrow is right - if he is paying the mortgage, then changing the locks is not okay.

Putting a chain or padlock on the door to stop him walking in when you are in, is absolutely fine, 'because now that the man of the house is gone, you feel the need for additional security' to protect your precious children.

Every problem...

WWK you are pretty darn amazing! I'm just sorry your experience has had to come at such a price, but you seem to have a solution for everything.

Chain or padlock for 'added security'. Brilliant!!

I hope tomorrow is brighter for you OP. There's some great advice on here and so amazing support and we all know you will make it through and be better off for it!

I wouldn't worry though-people lose house keys all the time and need to change locks!

He came to get the kids last night and we talked, I've seen the messages and it is just friends nothing untoward and I checked trash on FB to to make sure nothing had been deleted. I have told him hiding things from me is unacceptable and makes me think it's more then it is.

Anyway regardless we agreed that things are not good between us and we cannot go on like that,I was very practical and he was the one crying which was strange considering I've been an emotion wreck all week.

It was good to talk to know he does actually care, we both said we don't know what we want and that we would talk again when he brings the kids back on Sunday.

I cannot say despite the fact I love him that I want to try again, I do think he is depressed he never said it but some things he said made me believe he is.
I took a very strong sleeping tablet last night and actually got some sleep. However my lovely neighbours who normally moans about my children's noise have music blaring this morning so thanks for that.
I still haven't eaten and will try today I have plans with my mum and cinema with my sister this evening so I will be busy busy.

I am still heart broken I've still cried a lot this morning which ever way this goes it is going to be a very very long road.

And WWK thank you so much for all your contributions this week, you are amazing woman and so so strong, I wish I had half your strength.

Op...you'll be ok. You will. Dig deep and be strong x

Sorry, do you mean it's just friends with the woman who sent the love heart??? No. Sorry but she fancies him at the least and he should've told her that's inappropriate.

Just

Please re-read your own posts, pretend someone else has written them... see what we can see. Be strong x