I think my whole world fell apart .... Again

[Justnotimaginitive]

So all the classics really, distancing, finding fault, his life is shit, he wants more from life but still wants to be with me etc etc

Anyway he had plans to go out last night with some people from work and stay at 'Paul's' house as was easier, I said to him on thurs about asking his parents to have the kids and I'll go with him, he looked and put me off 'partners not going ' that sort of thing. Made me slightly suspicious but didn't say anything.

I just checked his phone and he has an email saying his has a message from a girl from work on FB, it is literally just a pic of a character holding a great big heart with lots of love hearts surrounding it, this is what I think it is isn't it ?? There was nothing else on the phone no messages can't get on to his FB but it's bloody obvious. It said it was part of a conversation.

I'm just putting DD2 to bed and he is putting DS to bed but I think this is the end I am so gutted

Hello OP

I am sorry this has happened.

He is your husband and you love him but you cannot force him to treat you better or to respect you. However you can treat yourself better and you can respect yourself.

This man is causing you misery and pain which he is blaming you for, he is taking no responsibility for his abhorrent actions.

Let him leave and live his exciting life OP because just as he says he deserves to be happy so do you and it is clear that being with him is not making you happy.

As bad as you feel now and probably will for a while in the long run you will be happy. There are some wonderful threads on here from women who found themselves in your position yet months later they are happier and arsehole free.

You tried. You gave him a second chance. You cannot stay in a relationship with somebody who doesn't think you are good enough now to make him happy because you never will be. You owe it to yourself to let go and start moving on.

You deserve better OP.

I'm not going to chase him, he said he will be back tomorrow after work to get some stuff and look after kids whilst I work but I don't actually want him here tbh I would rather he stayed away for a while I need to think.
I have people to look after kids if I need them to but have told my boss I may need to take some time off.
I think I may get the locks changed as well he chose to leave and can't just come back when he feels like it.

My head is pounding and I know I need to sleep but still crying and a these thoughts in my head.
My poor children I didn't want this for them.

I think that is very straight thinking OP and head space is a good thing.

You wonderful DC's do not deserve this but they also do not deserve to see their mother treated so badly.

It sounds like you have good support in rl OP.

I don't want to sound harsh but remember how you feel now. This pain and betrayal. Remember it if you ever start thinking of giving him a 3rd chance because you will not want to feel this way again.

I just need to keep remembering that he would do this again, he has done the classic distancing Over the last month or so in order to give himself permission. Nothing will ever change I will never be good enough and I should be, we should be.

I just feel so sick and hurt i hate feeling like this, I hate that I can't stop thinking, going over it all in my head.i asked why she would send a love heart message to him he said they just get on I asked to see messages he refused then turned it into an argument about not being happy, me not wanting to do the things he wants blah blah telling me a refused to climb a mountain with him when I said I would, me calling him a lair and then him packing and leaving. I just don't know why I'm not good enough or just enough for him, why our babies aren't enough.

I need to sleep but I can't I hate that he has the power to make me feel this way ??????

Try looking at it a different way.
This man who as already cheated on his family is not good enough for you or your babies. You all deserve somebody better or nobody at all but definitely not a coward such as him.

You will be like this for a while OP. Don't try and rush it.
You start to get better each time you release a bit of the emotional hold he has over you. Then eventually one day you are free of him and the pain.

Stay on the boards OP. There is a wealth of support and first hand knowledge on here and the wonderful people will help you through the darkest of days. As will your rl support.

This man (...) is not good enough for you or your babies.
This.

You can be happy, but not with him. Because he wouldn't let you anyway.

Been there got the T shirt Op ( unfortunately)

You are in for a few rough months but it will slowly get better, I can remember being in the position you are in now and wishing I could just fast forward a year so as to skip all the heartache and stress I knew was coming my way. But I got through it and so will you.

At least you know you did your very best to keep your family together and can hold your head up high knowing you did nothing wrong. You already sound very switched on, I think you are going to be fine and maybe happier in the long run....

I would really really like to fast forward a few months so I'm over this pain, why has he don't this ? I swing from thinking I'm over reacting about the message to knowing I'm not and that despite his denials something is going on.
It doesn't matter anyway though because he doesn't want to be here, he wants more from life and clearly doesn't love me anymore.
How am I going to do this I've slept for 2 hrs I think I can't function on that much sleep, why does he get to walk away and I have to pick up the pieces .

I don't want to contact him, but I need to send a message that I don't want him back here tomorrow, how do I word it ? And he may need more of his stuff, I could take it to his dads but then I have to pack it and the kids will be here and wonder what's happening.
I suppose I could go out tell Him to get his stuff and then come home, I just don't want to see him.
I almost think he will be expecting me to beg him to come back and this is punishment for me daring to bring up the message from the other woman and to stop me in the future.
I can't live like this anymore do he is not coming back but I need to deal with this pain and it's so bloody hard.

Sorry for rambling I can't think straight and this is where I can get it all out.

Just in case, I'd pack for him.

I wouldn't be surprised if he went back today and decided he was going to stay anyway (because it's his home or that he's going to make you the favour and stay).

You can tell the children that dad will be staying away for a while and a friend or your sis could take his stuff to him.

I would also pack for him. It will be easier on your soul to do this than to come home and find the empty space. Put some of your emotion into filling those bin bags.
Tell the children that he is 'away' and needs his stuff.

So sorry you are going through this OP. I think I may have read prev posts, it sounds familiar?

Definitely pack his stuff up and leave at his Dads.

Send him a text saying locks have been changed and I will be in contact to arrange when and where you want me to take DC to see you.

That makes it clear he is not wanted at home. I agree that he may try to press the reset button when reality hits, and just breeze in through the front door like you had a little tiff. Do not let him back in.

Stop thinking about him, why he did it, it doesn't change a thing. Start thinking about you, your happiness, your future, your choices.

If you don't read the baggage reclaim website I would suggest you have a google of ' baggage reclaim reset button' that Hampton court mentions !

I'd ask your sister to take the children for a few hours, pack up his shit and leave it at his dad's door.

I really would.

You don't have to engage with him, his dad or anyone else about it.

IF you want to see him again, it will be in YOUR terms.

Text message

Shithead (you can insert his real name if you like )

I need some space and I think you do too. I have dropped some things at your dads for you. Please don't come back to the house I have the children to take care of and it would not be good for them to see us like this. I will contact you when I have had time to think.

I know this may read as too polite considering but it is the best way to communicate with him. Any anger will just cloud the issue and make your thoughts all jumbled.
Ask your friend or sister to take the kids so you can sort his stuff then maybe spend a couple quiet hours writing down your thoughts and options.

He texted me to say he has to come to feed the animals he keeps they have to be fed every day, I've told him he needs to take them with him or get someone to collect them as I don't want to see him at the moment.

I've packed as much stuff as I can and left it by the door and told him I won't be there but I need to be gone by 7 so I can get the kids to bed.
I have also said that he can have the kids from fri to sun but he hasn't responded to that.
I haven't eaten all day but I can't even think of eating, I feel like I have a kidney infection coming which I do not need.

I feel like my world has imploded and I want to be 6 months down the line x

What are the animals OP? Can you take them to his Dads without them being at risk?

If he has OW he probably won't be able to take DC or animals there so he will probably start to panic and backtrack soon.

I know it doesn't feel like it but it sounds like you are doing really well and staying strong. This will get better, I promise. Make sure you keep talking to people in RL who are supportive.

Hamptoncourt they are aviary birds I can't move them without possibly hurting them so I can't do that wish I could though.
If I get back later and they aren't gone I will call his dad and ask him to come get them for him.
He's at his dads I know that much.

I'm not sure he realises how serious this actually is and wonder if he is expecting it to blow over but he is wrong I can't live like this anymore and as Sad as I am my life hasn't turned out how I want It to I will be ok and I am strong and can do this on my own.
I've also told him he can explain to DD2 4 I've already told DD1 12 as she knows something is going on and he is her step dad. I don't think DS will understand as he is only 2.

Oh dear!

Like frog said, you really need to read this, and probably the whole of baggage reclaim!!

So I left a note telling him to take his stuff and that I wanted him to take the birds and that he can tell put DD on fri when he gets them for the weekend. I went out.

He left a note back and said birds are fed for 2 nights he will have to come back weds as there isn't room at his dads yet and that to let him know if me or the kids need anything.

WTAF if that all about REALY let him know if I need anything is he shitting me, he walks put without a backwards glance and expects me to let him know if I need anything. He can FUCK OFF to the far side of fuck if he thinks I will need him for anything again.

My heart hurts though and it's killing me

Make sure that come the weekend he has got the dc. Do not let him abandon his responsibilities and think that life is sweet as a singleton. Because he isn't single he's got children and they require your time and effort. He will soon get pissed off when he realises that he can't swan off on a weekend with his ow while you are raising HIS kids for him. He needs to grow up. Lots of women get arsey about the kids having contact afterwards, don't be one of them. Make sure he does his fair share of being a parent so that you can have yourself a rest and start looking after number 1.

Oh and I admire your strength. Do not beg him back. Show him what he is missing. Act like your not bothered. You could even ask him to babysit for you on Thursday etc telling him you have a night out planned. If he asks where, who etc. tell him it ain't any of his business!

And those birds.........feed them some poison

JUST KIDDING bird lovers

It is a guilt thing OP.

He feels guilty for is actions but will justify it to himself by offering you help & support even though he has shit on you from a great height. Funny thing is if he was that supportive and caring in the marriage it wouldn't be where it is now.

Be prepared for deflection too OP. His guilt will eat him up and he will try and hold you entirely responsible for the marriage break down. He will get angry and blame you al to make himself feel and look better.

Stay strong OP. Remember you deserve more and are worth more.

I won't beg him back, I imagine I will have weak moments but I won't beg. I've done that before and look where I am now he thinks he can treat me like a piece of shit on his shoe and then offer help I'm wondering just a bit if he not all there tbh.
He will be having the DC at the weekend I will also make it clear he is not to have them around or take them to OW house. However it hurts me to think of them away from me, they are going to be so confused and I feel like I've let them down some how. My poor babies they just won't know what to think.

My DD 12 cried when I told her and said she is sad for me and that she I'll miss him and has been so good helping me with the little ones since bless her and again I feel like I've let her down too I didn't want this for any of them.

My whole life is a lie everything we had planned to do together is gone and I still can't stop crying and I want to be stronger then this.

OP.

You didn't lie.
You have not caused this.
You have not let your children down.

This ^ is your DH's knob Jockeycross to bear do not take that responsibility for him.

He will treat you like crap and demand from you as long as you let him. Stop now. Shift your focus. Look at making you and your DC's happy again.

You will get there x