I think my whole world fell apart .... Again

[Justnotimaginitive]

So all the classics really, distancing, finding fault, his life is shit, he wants more from life but still wants to be with me etc etc

Anyway he had plans to go out last night with some people from work and stay at 'Paul's' house as was easier, I said to him on thurs about asking his parents to have the kids and I'll go with him, he looked and put me off 'partners not going ' that sort of thing. Made me slightly suspicious but didn't say anything.

I just checked his phone and he has an email saying his has a message from a girl from work on FB, it is literally just a pic of a character holding a great big heart with lots of love hearts surrounding it, this is what I think it is isn't it ?? There was nothing else on the phone no messages can't get on to his FB but it's bloody obvious. It said it was part of a conversation.

I'm just putting DD2 to bed and he is putting DS to bed but I think this is the end I am so gutted

why are people assuming a lying cheating husband will be made to suffer financially ? if the wronged wife is the main earner she is the one who will suffer in a divorce .
the courts have no interest in the morality or otherwise of affairs.

my friend's husband had an affair, left her , and completely screwed her for a ton of money as she had lots, he didn't.

Wow, WWK, thank you so much for correcting me! I don't want to give anyone advice that will get them in trouble!

That's just crazy! If I understand correctly if it is yours separately, or yours and 'his' jointly then it's OK to copy, but if it's 'his' separately then copying it is a 'no no'? Incredible. Can they make it any easier for these sleaze-balls to hide their assets?

Guess it's time for all those deserted wives to 'find' all those 'little scraps of paper' that they scribbled info down on 'years ago' when 'discussing the asset with their stbx'.

Mrsbrownsgirls I hardly think that's relevant to the OP, is it. She's already said she's self-employed and can't really afford a solicitor.

Just wanted to mention about your oldest child. She sounds wonderful and a credit to you. Just try not to forget that she is your child and don't overload her with your problems. Understand OP, that I don't know you and you sound very sensible in your posts, it is just a thought that crossed my mind because when my parents split up first my sister and then my brother had to listen to all my mother's problems and found it much to heavy a responsability for a child.

Remember, when the chips are down, his family are his family. They will stand by him. They may be supportive now but I wouldn't rely on them too much.

Mexican - all DD1 knows is that he has left I have told her if she has concerns she can talk to me and I have not discussed and will not discuss anything with her, unless of course it concerns her. She has just been so helpful doing the usual chores without being asked and helping with the little ones.

WWK I am now slightly concerned as everything is in his name and when I mean everything I mean the house but I put a lot of money into this house when we brought it as I owned and sold a property when We moved in together.
I will be finding the scraps of paper with regards tot he mortage company and the reference.

I didn't sleep great kept waking and was awake between 2-5 so feeling tired this morning, DD2 despite not knowing what's happening yet has started to wet the bed again so she knows something is going on poor mite.

I still cannot eat and wondering how long I can actually last without food I suppose I really should eat something.

No tears as yet this morning but I know it will hit at some point.

Oh, Just, you poor poor thing. You are doing wonderfully. You are right to be concerned about the financial aspects but I think that is why WWK and others are insisting that you see CAB to get advice. They will give sound advice that hopefully will resassure you that you will not be left with nothing and that you are entitled to financial support from this coward.

You are being extremely brave, as others have more eloquently pointed out. (I am rubbish with words) One thing stuck with me on Sunday when your thread popped up, I remembered you as I had read your previous thread about a month ago. You were already worried about the situation, he was behaving terribly but you came across as strong and having achieved so much over the last year - a 5k run sticks in my mind as he belittled you for it being short.

In those moments when you are desperately feeling all you want is for him to come back remember that he's a weak coward who faced with a partner who sets herself goals and achieves them can't do anything else except simmer in jealousy, self-pity and resentment. I would say he can't deal with his failures so he's having a fantasy fling with someone who doesn't know about his shortcomings.

Right now you are, naturally, a mess but maybe re-reading your previous thread will help a bit in those terrible moments; if not your own posts, I understand that could be upsetting, then the posts of others expressing their admiration for your successes and their distain for his reaction to them.

I've just re-read some of that thread, I'm being lazy at work this morning. You didn't just run a 5K life race you stopped smoking and got down to your ideal weight in the last year!! Wow! You were told you were awesome by someone on the thread and were surprised, well get ready to start hearing that a lot.

Dazoo

Well I've lost far more then 3 stone now, I haven't eaten in 4 days so I've lost about half a stone.

I'm feeling raw today I haven't cried as much as previous days so that's an improvement to some degree but I did not sleep well again hardly at all i will be getting some sleeping pills today, the combination of lack of sleep and food will make me Ill other wise.

My DD2 has started to wet the bed again, she doesn't know what's happened as I haven't told her but she clearly knows something is up and wet the bed 3 nights now.
He is having them this weekend and I had told him he could tell the children himself tomorrow, his mum is coming to give me moral support when he arrives. She is very very angry with him.

I spend an awful lot of time staring into space it seems at the moment.

I have achieved so much over the yr and he has done nothing, I've just been back over some emails we have been exchanging recently and it's me asking him if we should do this or that go hear or there saying we need to spend time together etc etc so I have evidence that I have been trying very hard to make out marriage work. Not that it matters clearly he doesn't care.

I never thought I would have a broken heart how wrong I was.

"I never thought I would have a broken heart how wrong I was"

All the raw emotion and hurt must be unbearable but, as everyone on here has said, it does get better. When things go badly and we start to see that the person probably isn't the person we deserve to be with, far from it, a seed of cold starts to grow. You've had that. At the moment has been smashed by the bombshell of his leaving and the immediate fear, panic etc. But it is there, the fact you had already reasoned in your head you would be better alone will help you sooner than you think, I hope.

xx

Hi, just to reassure: It doesn't matter whose name is on the family asset - it's just important that you know about it, what it's worth (approximately), with which company.

It remains a family asset, however, you can't scan the document and give it to your solicitor.

The consequences for not disclosing your assets in your Form E are severe (if you are doing a court ordered financial settlement). You can opt to do it out of court if you and your STBX choose to/can't afford to go through the courts.

However, if you do not disclose any asset on your Form E (the court-led way), and they are significant, it can and does lead to jail time (yesterday some bloke was imprisoned for four weeks for doing that).

If you're not using a solicitor, it shouldn't matter.

Glad to see that you're starting to look at your husband in a new light.

"I have achieved so much over the yr and he has done nothing".

And you keep it that way. You're amazing, heartbroken - yes, but that'll heal. You'll still be amazing when it does.

Struggling to cope today ????

Me too - but it's okay, it really is okay. It's such a shock and a loss - and it all feels so needless.

Have you got friends/family around you?

Been with my sister most of the day but I have dentist in a min so she has the kids and I'm on my own.
The numbness was not to last and the pain has hit me full force today I've cried just as much as I did Monday, proper racking sobs. Oh god I want my life back.

I'm so sorry you are struggling to WWK.

Just - I remember it well (albeit without any children to complicate the issue for me) - the actual physical chest pain, roughly where your heart is - I never thought my heart would break either. But! they do mend, honestly.

The proper wracking sobs are good. It means the "shock" part of it is starting to pass - although this means the pain is worse (sorry) it does mean that you are starting to process it, your self-protective limbo is ending.

Your realisation that he has been a cock to you for some time will eventually help - write stuff down! Write down everything that was wrong with your situation before he fucked off; write down everything that you would like to honestly say to him in anger; write down all the questions you want to ask but won't because you wouldn't get real answers anyway - but then either file these writings away or burn them. It's a therapy trick - anything that's cycling through your brain all the time, write it down. Imagine that the repetitive words in your head are flowing out of your brain, down your arm and onto the paper - never mind grammar, spelling, even tidiness - just write it as it comes and think of it as emptying it out of your brain.
Just make sure that no one else sees it.

Right now right this minute I wish I could die.

Hi Just hope you are ok?

Yes but you can't, you can't leave your children to knobhead's "care". Plus he'd get off scot-free then - that has to be enough incentive to stay around! (Sorry, black humour = legacy of working in the NHS)

I won't leave my DC I can't do that but I really really want to die.

He's not worth dying for, though, love. You have to fight so hard to cope and get to the next stage - and I know it's a battle. That's why crying is absolutely okay. So is swearing. Your best revenge is to keep your little family, and find happiness again. It's going to take some time, and it's not going to be easy now - but it'll be amazing later.

He will never change - he will never find happiness. It's a pendulum - as wrought are you as now - is as happy as you'll be in the future. He won't get that because he is statically unsatisfied.

KOKO.

WWK thank you your words they do help and make so much sense but by god I wish I could turn off this pain. Today i want him back I want my life back, I want my DCs to have a mum and dad that are together. I just something other then this pain I feel.

I've brought some sleeping pills as I cannot carry on with no sleep it's not helping, although food still alludes me and I know I must eat at some point.

He has emailed saying he never want to hurt me, and saying he will sort finances and transfer money into my account at the beginning of every month. His last line was for what it's worth he knows I won't believe him but he's never cheated on me!! That is strange because I remember differently, he seems to think because it's just emotional it doesn't count !

I still cannot believe he has walked out on me on 11 yrs of our life I out children without a back wards glance and no emotion what so ever. It doesn't make any goddam sense to me.

Think of that pendulum WWK mentions, you've had so many swings towards the negative over the last year or so suffering his supposed mid-life crises. This is the worst point, hopefully, and it will be worth it in the long run because when things start getting better you'll be so happy with your family and yourself. If he begged to come back tomorrow would you to continue with that negative swing that would drag you down slowly again?
I believe it's often our fear of the unknown that terrifies us most. I am lucky, like Thumbwitch I've never had a break up that was financially complicated or involved children, most break ups have happened after I knew things were going badly and wanted out but initially when it happens our worlds seem to fall in on us. All the reasons why you didn't like the person disappear and you just want to go back to safety no matter how unsatisfactory it felt.

X post. He has emailed you clichés - childish tripe, Just.

I mentioned your posts on your other thread this morning - probably too difficult to re-read that now but when you can I think it might get you angry again which would be good.

So he emailed about the kids so I told him that he can't just come and take them he will need to sit DD2 down and explain what is happening, email back saying he will tell her when he has her at his dads I've told him NO he will tell her here whilst I am here he cannot come back after a week and just take them with no explanation to them.
Emails are very cold and emotionless, so it starts my life is really well and truly fucked up and my Stbxh is a knob jockey.

I need to find away to switch my emotions off I cannot deal with this like this I have to be cold and calculated. He's asked for banking details I haven't yet provided them because I don't trust him to do what's best for us and not himself.

I hate my life.

It is going to be hard for a while (ummm.... understatement?) But you need to be mad, you need to be sad, you need to feel it and mourn it and rage at the universe to get past it.

Remember each day - you only have to get through this day....just the one. For just one day, you know you can make it. You can be a strong woman and a good mum... just for this one day.

And then tomorrow, and tomorrow, resolve anew, to get through one day.