I think my whole world fell apart .... Again

[Justnotimaginitive]

So all the classics really, distancing, finding fault, his life is shit, he wants more from life but still wants to be with me etc etc

Anyway he had plans to go out last night with some people from work and stay at 'Paul's' house as was easier, I said to him on thurs about asking his parents to have the kids and I'll go with him, he looked and put me off 'partners not going ' that sort of thing. Made me slightly suspicious but didn't say anything.

I just checked his phone and he has an email saying his has a message from a girl from work on FB, it is literally just a pic of a character holding a great big heart with lots of love hearts surrounding it, this is what I think it is isn't it ?? There was nothing else on the phone no messages can't get on to his FB but it's bloody obvious. It said it was part of a conversation.

I'm just putting DD2 to bed and he is putting DS to bed but I think this is the end I am so gutted

You are going through a process that we all do. If it's possible don't refuse to let your children meet his girlfriend. Otherwise he will use that as an excuse not to have the children. Just let her see the enormity of what she is taking on. Let him see that children can spoil the party and take the shine off anything, especially new romances. They won't be able to do wtf they like because he has responsibilities to deal with.

I wonder if it's the responsibility of the dc that has caused him to behave the way he has done rather than it being you iyswim

Today is not a good day I feel bereft and so so broken.

Good morning Just

Bad days are to be expected. This is still so raw and your head/emotions are not going to adjust over night.

If you need to cry do so. Also try and eat today. Your children need you to be strong and you can't do that with no fuel in you.

His dad called me to ask what's going on I told him I think there's someone else he said H had admitted to this but told him they are only 'friends ' FIL said he knows he is lying to him and will find out the full story, FIL is coming to see me tomorrow.

His mum knows and has been great but terribly upset herself.

This morning I was crying my eyes out this afternoon I feel numb, later it will hit me like a tonne of bricks again.

I've brought I new lock it's being changed later today.

I'm sorry you're having a bad day.
But you'll have many more and you'll get through each and every one of them.
Don't believe any of his lies.
He's cheated again!
Time to cut your losses.
No doing the 'pick me' dance.

But do cry and do wallow, you're allowed to grieve for the life you thought you had.
HE took that away. Not YOU!
YOU didn't do any of this. Please remember that.

Don't worry too much about sleep. It's amazing what adrenalin can get us through.
I didn't really sleep for months but still made it through.

You can't eat so try to drink. Sugary tea and also ice lollies helped me through the worst bit.
Helps to keep you a bit hydrated and also keep your sugar levels up.
When ready you try some toast and a banana.

Hand holding here. It's horrible. It will take time to get over but you will get there and you will have a much happier life.

He has form, is cheating (by the looks of it), friends don't send pics of love hearts and gives you no explanation but his life is shit.

Seriously OP, your life is going to be so much better, maybe not right now but in time it will be, and, if he takes the kids you can have some free time to go out and meet someone who doesn't treat you like shit.

He's a complete waste of your time.

Hellsbells it's good to hear people have come out the other side of this, one minute I am numb looking into
Space and the next I am in pieces feeling like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, shaking and crying.
My friend had to phone me last night to talk me through a panic attack at 11pm I haven't had a panic attack for yrs.

His sister called me this afternoon, she had spoken to him and all he said is we have been arguing and not getting on and I told her that's bollocks and the whole truth including previous, why he thinks I am going to lie for him I don't know because I'm not, he will not make this down to me I have tried and tried and fucking tried to make him happy at my own expense and I'm not doing that any more.

I'm just trying not to put too much pressure on myself but I know that I have so many people to support me including his own family.

I am so so tired and know I need to sleep but my mind won't switch off.

I hate him for doing this to me

Just,
A big hug from me. I am a reader of WWK's thread and as they say there it is so so good you have people around you and that you are telling your story and not the one he would like you to.

Good on you, why should you lie for him ? Is it not bad enough for him to do this.

Take it 5 minutes at a time, 1 hour at a time.
Don't look too far ahead right now.
Just get through the present.

I'm very glad you aren't keeping his secret.
Time he faced up to being a lying, cheating, scumbag.

Look after yourself.
Deep breaths and counting out loud to get through the panicky moments.

Your attitude is great! It's clear you are no shrinking violet. Hold that chin up, be proud of who you are because you are worth so much more than him. I'm so glad you are telling people and not covering up for him.

KOKO

Just - I have also come over from WWK's thread, didn't realise you actually did have your own thread already (thanks for the heads up, Dazoo!) but am very pleased you do although not at all pleased about the reason for you needing it!

You keep going lovely - your DD1 sounds like an absolute little star, helping you out so much - let her see that you are sad too though so that she has "permission" to be sad herself.

Many (((hugs))) to you and your lovely children - you will all get through this.

Well his dad has come over this morning and by god as H done a number on him. He promised him that they are only friends, he has only been to lunch with her at work never out of work. I have Showed him
The message from her he got on Sunday with the love heart and told him to ask to see the messages on FB and that would confirm it all for him either way.

Anyway he was going out sat night with the 'blokes' from work and as I haven't trusted him since last time I admit to doing a find my phone on the iPhone so I know where he started out where he went and where he ended up. Anyway his dad asked where she lives and guess what that's where he was when he first went out not for long but he was there so he either picked her up and she went on this night out or he went for a quick shag. If your going to lie at least make sure your wife doesn't know where you fucking were.
Let's be honest the fact he was there and then got a love heart message sun says it all doesn't it.

So despite the fact I 'knew' it's just confirmed it more and I'm shaking and crying again. I hate my life right now.

Oh lovey, so so sorry. Does his Dad now believe that his son has told him a pack of lies? It's one thing to want to believe the best of your flesh and blood, but it's another entirely to deliberately close your eyes to what's right in front of you. :(

Please see if anyone is available to come and be with you right now - having suspicions confirmed is almost as bad as finding out in the first place and you could do with someone there. xx

I've also traveled over from WWK's thread to say that, in time, you will recover. Just be true to yourself (and DCs) and honest with friends and family. You owe him NOTHING so don't bother to lie for him. Why should you when he is obviously so good at lying for himself!

He does not & never has deserved you and DCs. You deserve a life full of peace and love with your family. And you WILL get there.

He is an absolute coward and weak man.

Sorry OP, stay strong, keep your friends and family close and try not to waste your time trying to work him out, you never will. You now know he's also a liar as well as a cheat, and appears to be sticking to his story - leave him to it I say.

Hello, I've found you.

It really is awful - and everything you learn now is going to hurt you even more. I promise you this most awful of stages is just that: a period of time, but eventually you exhaust yourself and you move on.

It's bad enough they lie, but then when you find out not only have they left, but they continue to lie, they insult your intelligence and your gut instinct.

And of course, there's going to be consequences. What I've realised is that when cheaters think with their sexual anatomy, they don't realise that there's the "fees" to pay after. Court fees, alimony fees, kids fees, plus more bills, plus the cost of wooing another. At least prostitutes are upfront about this. I'll leave you to infer of that what you will with regards to integrity and decency.

He's got to still pay the bills, and feed the kids. So you need to get yourself down to a solicitor if you can afford one, or the CAB if you can't. Talking to people about divorce does not commit you to getting one right now, but the sooner done, the sooner mended.

And don't worry about crying your heart out to a solicitor or a CAB worker - they are more than used to it! They are they to help YOU and your children, now that the person who you were depending on has abdicated.

He has made his final decision over your marriage. From now on, you're in control - you get to decide. Of course, he needs access to the kids - but there's plenty of family around to make sure he doesn't get to see you.

You are not visible to him for now. Lick your wounds, feel sorry for yourself, hate him and do not beat yourself up for him going elsewhere. His choice + His actions = Your hurt.

Aside from that it's No Contact (NC) for you, I'd suggest. At first, you'll really want to just hear anything, but it's self-discipline from now on. You've got that in spades anyway: since you've managed not to shag anyone else just because your husband's been horrible for weeks (!). You're amazing, really.

After a while, they realise that they can't control you, and they miss some things, and the biggest hurt:

They realise you don't want them back.

From now on, cry if you need to. Go out with friends, get a haircut, do fun stuff with the kids. Watch any TV you want. Get rid of any bits and bobs around the place into a safe place.

Whatever you do, do not do anything that'll bite you on the arse later. So no criminal damage, no peeing on his shirts, no nasty emails or facebook messages. No badmouthing.

You prove you are the paragon of virtue by your actions. He's proved he's not with his. Don't upset that balance.

I know your pain first hand. I don't know you, but I know I wouldn't wish it on anyone. You're not alone. We're hear to support where we can.

Take care and be nice to yourself.

Oh what a lovely post x

Listen to WWK, she is truly the voice of knowledge and reason! Knowledge and reason hard come by, true, but she really KNOWS.

Get thee to a solicitor, as soon as possible. Copy and/or keep any and all documents pertaining to your life. Deeds, tax returns, bank info, all financial records, bills. Vital records (birth, marriage certs, passports, etc) should be put where he cannot get them. If you do not have a bank account in your own name only, get one. Ask a solicitor how much of your money you can transfer to that account (here in the US they usually advise 1/2 of assets based on community property laws). Contact any agency that may be able to advise you as to any/all benefits or credits you may be eligible for.

You MUST protect yourself financially before he starts spending or claiming money that he isn't entitled to or starts shifting assets.

She can't bloody master the English language though:

We're hear = We're here!

Op - I hope you are angry. Your H has thrown you away for a peice of skirt, and lied to his own family, most of all you. Get angry and it will help to focus and sustain you.

WWK - how lovely of you to help others in this situation. And how great that you feel able to. You have come a long way - and are living proof that anger and injustice make you a force to be reckoned with, for sure.

Thumb - In not sure what his dad believes tbh I think he is hoping he will come to his senses but I told him that it's my decision now not his so it's beside the point.
I had my friend with me all day so I did have lots of support.

Acrossthepond I will not lie for him again never ever again and he will come to realise this at some point.

Jan yes he is a coward and complete an utter fucking coward.
He is a lair I know he is and I need to keep reminding myself of this.

WWK - I never thought I would ever hurt as much as I do right now but I'm expecting it to get worse. He lies and lies and thinks I'm bloody stupid but I'm not he cannot hood wink me anymore I won't allow it.

I can't afford a solicitor I am self employed and work evenings (not this week ) I am royally fucked because I don't know how I am going to so that with 3 children I need to get childcare for when I am on min wage, I have contacted tax credits and applied for them so hopefully I won't be short of money and will be as to
Support us to an extent.

His mum has offered to come here in fri for when he comes to collect the children, I haven't yet decided if I want to be here then or not.

I will admit my self discipline went today, I left him a note and long note about him destroying my life and how I don't want him here and he needs to take the sodding birds and he's a liar and I got I note in return telling me he will get the children fri and I'm
To let him know when I want him to bring them back sun. Fucking cold hearted bastard he still had not asked how they are !!

I cried ALOT this morning but Thai afternoon I have been sort of numb you know that staring into space kind of numb, I prefer this to the pain.

Don't worry I will NOT do anything that will note me in the arse, I am the very definition of a people pleaser (hence how I got here) I do not to slagging off bad mouthing putting things on FB that is not me I am and will continue to be a paragon of virtue.

Thank you for the support your posts help so much.

Acrossthepond when the kids go at the weekend I will get all paperwork together I need.
The house and everything is in his name but I am not concerned by that we have been married 8 yrs and together 11.
He cannot spend money he hasn't got as we were broke anyway.
The thing is I get my wages paid to my account and normally withdraw and put them in his I didn't this month (no idea why) so I have money and will be fine I know I will.

Ptumbi I am not there yet but u will get angry the note I left him tonight said I hopes she was worth everything he has lost ! I doubt it will but maybe it will hit home exactly what he has done.

I cannot believe how amazing my DD12 has been she is a star and helped so much with the little ones, I let her have her hair done today as a treat she deserves it.

I do like it when I read an angry post rather than a sad one - anger is so much a better emotion in this stage than devastated. See, you're already doing well!

Devastated = what his behaviour has done to you; Anger = what you feel about his behaviour. Note the difference.

Controlled anger is just about the best scenario for you right now. I implore you to go No Contact. You will remain a quagmire of devastated and anger over the coming days. Don't act on the anger, and don't get buried in the devastation.

"I told him that it's my decision now not his so it's beside the point"

Fantastic job!

"Fucking cold-hearted bastard he still had not asked how they are"

Nope - because you, Little Miss Ever Dependable, can be trusted to make sure they are okay. It's called parenting - and clearly you know what that means. Thank you. He's relying on you as the parent to mitigate his bad behaviour. Don't let your children down because of his shit parenting - they need just one good parent: you're it!

I know you didn't choose that: it was a joint decision - but it's you who has to lead them to adulthood. Given his behaviour - I'm glad it's you that has that job.

You've realised you can handle responsibility, difficulty and total shite - you are really in control. Don't lose it.

No contact means you look after your children, enjoy family life and build up a fantastic future.

Sans him

Doing it is your best revenge.

And that's why I suggest NC. Don't for one minute deprive him of time with his children, but the time he's got them is your 'me' time - to cry, to clean the house, to go out, hell - have a shag elsewhere should you choose - whatever floats your boat/has to be done (like a Form E).

"numb you know that staring into space kind of numb"

I have days where I cannot remember what I did. I didn't eat, didn't talk to anyone, didn't go out, didn't...I don't know. Numb is okay - it passes the time.

I promise you, it gets better - it's just not going to happen today.

Can you tell I've finished my divorce paperwork? I'm three months down the line. I still cry every day - bar a few - less than a handful in fact. Yesterday was awful - I can't say why but it was a symbolic thing, and it near on took me back to day 1.

But today was a paperwork day. Tomorrow, well who knows. Tomorrow I'll see what it brings.

But, I promise you, it wasn't that long ago I was in your spot. In three months' time you've got a new normal - it's not the five minutes of ever changing emotions, it's more 'today/yesterday/tomorrow.

What about six months? I don't know, but one foot in front of the other....

KOKO.

I do need to say something that contradicts a very fantastic poster (whom I adore).

Unfortunately, Acrossthepond's sensible advice about copying or keeping any and all documents pertaining to your life should not be followed.

The law recently changed in the UK: if it is not exclusively yours (e.g. your personal name on the document), you cannot present it to your solicitor.

In fact, doing so, may jeopardise your case.

Most solicitors are up in arms about this matter - so Across' advice (with good intentions), which was previously sensible, is now detrimental.

I'm the first to forgive Across' mis-statement here. It's a recent change - and one that is not acceptable in the US system - and in fact not acceptable to the UK one, but it will take some time for it to be overturned.

A recent High Court ruling, made by judges without Family Law expertise, has deemed all evidence obtained without full disclosure, inadmissible.

And we thought the American Justice System bewildering!

What you can do is scribble down any necessary names, e.g. Name of organisation, policy number, amounts stated. And then sit tight on them. You can pass your 'mental knowledge' to your solicitor. It may just so happen that you took a telephone call four years ago, and you've just found the notes in your handwriting this week whilst you were having a clear out.

But scanned or original documents not in your name: don't go there - you have illegally obtained that information! Previously, it may have been left on the mantlepiece for you to file when you have time is a fact of life. But your removal from the chimney shelf is not okay if you share it with your solicitor.

If they are not disclosed in Form E, you can ask the court to investigate. Naturally, this will cost thousands - however if the non-disclosure is worth more than that - hey ho, you've made a great investment.

Yes, Acrossthepond is right: it should be totally reasonable that marital assets are presented to your advocate. After all, they are marital assets.

Unfortunately, until sense is seen, those of us caught up in the politics must remain intelligently dumb.

OMG, seriously? That's pretty shocking, actually - it gives mencarte blanche to hide all their money/assets etc. by making sure that all documentation is in their name only

When did that heinous piece of legislation come into being, WWK, did your solicitor tell you? I'm outraged and really hope that gets overturned very quickly!