Fully prepared to hear I am a c&&T but I agree that I am.
One of my secrets, the one which eats me up each day, the one that makes me want to kill myself sometimes is that five years ago I contracted herpes.
I dated around knowing I could never meet another guy or have children.
I met a guy, we slept together using condoms. I didn't tell him I had it. I was having wars in my head that I needed to leave him but it was so hard because I fell in love with him straight away. He didn't want to use condoms so I said we should go clinic together. I don't know why I said that I guess to buy myself some 'time'.
One night he took the condom off and I didn't know. I refused to have sex with him after that and decided that I needed to let him go.
A week later he called me to say he had been told he had it. I lied and said I didnt know I had it. He didn't believe me though. Obviously. My world crumbled. I was suicidal.
A few weeks later he said he missed me and we began seeing each other again. Although the relationship was equal and he did not want to be with me in a relationship. He would mention that he knew I was lying. He would see other women. I still stayed there hoping one day he would be with me.
This went on for about a year before I admitted that I did know. He obviously thought I was a liar and did not want to be in a proper relationship. It was difficultfor both of us, him because he had feelings for me but I guess hated me, me because I was horribly embarrassed and ashamed.
Fast forward a few years we are now in a commited relationship and live together, planning a child etc. Those years where it all happened feel like a bad dream. Neither of us mention it.I feel I have changed and I am horrified that I acted how I did and lied how I did.
He says I am the best thing that happened to him and loves and adores me but everyday I feel guilt and shame. Nobody knows anything about what happened. On the outside people think we are the perfect couple.