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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Secrets we want to tell but can't

925 replies

LizzieBelle · 02/08/2014 18:35

There was a thread on here a few months ago which was full of confessions and secrets that we can't tell in real life...My secret is that I know the neighbour on one side of me is having a naughty affair with the neighbour on the other side of me. As soon and the husband goes to work and the kids go to school she's off with the single dad on the other side of me...

Has anyone else got a secret??

OP posts:
Acclimating · 15/09/2014 19:43

XDp had a serious criminal conviction in her past which included mandatory MH treatment. It was quite high-profile, to the point I'd heard of the incident years before I ever met Dp. Because the victim was well-known, Dp's name made no impact, though was reported in the press.

She lied to me about it for well over a year. (As in, mentioned a vague indiscretion in her past, completely omitting the elements of celebrity and criminality involved.) She might have continued for longer if I hadn't discovered it via a desultory online search one day.

When I, gently, told her I knew (after picking my jaw off the floor) she became defensive. I told her I was more concerned with the deception than anything else; but that when she was comfortable enough with me, I wanted to understand what had happened as the accounts I'd read were pretty disturbing. (And certain elements of her emotional comportment in stressful situations had given me pause.)

She drip-fed her side of the story to me over several years, always with caveats that I couldn't ask more of her. In her version, she claimed, essentially, that her victim had framed the most serious of the charges and my (then)Dp had only pled guilty to put the (embarrassing and painful) incident to rest. She was hugely fortunate to not get a custodial sentence.
I loved her; I wanted badly to believe her. But it was such an improbable story, and presented in such a haphazard way that I couldn't.

Funnily enough, I would have gotten past that, although it would always have niggled. It didn't play a part in our breakup (which I wrote about upthread). But reminding myself of the entire incident has been very useful in dealing with the ambivalence following the relationship. (As I wrote previously: I still love her; but our life together going forward was almost certainly going to leave one of us very unhappy.) I badly wanted to keep things amicable, but she made it clear she wasn't interested. Seeing her recently at a professional event, she ignored me completely when I went up to say a brief "Hi"--- turning what could have been a casual moment into a quite upsetting public snub. As I tried to figure out what I'd done to deserve this treatment, I was reminded of her past, and her ability to reconfigure even the bare facts to put the blame on someone else.

I still miss her. I still love her. But she's made it very easy for me to see that the choice I made was the right one.

Phystick · 15/09/2014 20:25

I ignored the advice I asked for on here and met the sports coach of my ds at his house. We fucked. My husband found out. It's all a huge fucking mess.

Darkesteyes · 15/09/2014 21:17

Phystick are you ok. sorry stupid question i know.

Darkesteyes · 15/09/2014 21:20

Acclimating im sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

MushroomSoup · 15/09/2014 21:20

Jesus, phystick, are you all right?

Phystick · 15/09/2014 21:28

Thank you for asking, I'm not actually, but really thanks for reaching out with some human kindness. I know it's my own fuck up.

Darkesteyes · 15/09/2014 21:46

Phystick if you need to talk i dont mind if you pm me.

CarbeDiem · 15/09/2014 22:50

Acc - How awful but it honestly sounds like you had a lucky escape, it really does Thanks

Phystick Ouch! I hope you'll be ok Thanks

polymath · 15/09/2014 23:28

I work in a predominantly female profession, and apparently I've been the subject of a few unfulfilled crushes. I say apparently because,to be honest, I'm no good at reading signs and I've only found out about the crushes very much after the fact. Now my marriage is going through very much a rough patch and I can't help but wonder (fantasise?) about what might have been. Of course, they've moved on and as for me, my greying beard should make me a shoe-in if they ever want to cast a middle-aged Gandalf for a LoTR prequel Confused

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 15/09/2014 23:39

I slept with my ex best friends husbands the day before they got married.

Wrapdress · 15/09/2014 23:55

I know two women, both single at the time, who got pregnant. In both cases, they lied about who Baby Daddy was. They told men who were NOT the fathers that they were the fathers. These men believed it. Both women let these men off the hook financially so there was no court ordered DNA testing. Both men still think they are dad to these kids - and the kids are 25 and 13 now. In both cases the dads never met the kids.

In one case the real Bio-Dad was married to someone else. In the other case the real Bio-Dad was engaged to a High Society woman.

Darkesteyes · 16/09/2014 00:41

polymath Smile Thanks. Some of us actually prefer older men.

polymath · 16/09/2014 08:27

Darkesteyes I've said that when it came to dating post-marriage I'd be like a dog chasing a car;I don't understand what I'm chasing, I'm not sure why I'm chasing it and I sure as heck don't know what I'm going to do with it when I catch it! (But I'm going to chase it anyway Grin)

OrlaNuttin · 16/09/2014 12:12

I have never got over being in love with someone I used to work with. I was with my now Dh but knew I had feelings for this other person. I wish I had been brave enough to have confessed as we were so suited to each other.
Looking back I know he felt the same way.

I am fond of my DH, we have wonderful children together and he's a great dad but I do often think about what might have been and the soulmate I lost.

Bagoffrogs · 16/09/2014 12:25

I found who I believe to be my DH on a nasty shagging meet up website, with 'testimonials' of three people he's met up with this year. No one knows, he's denying it to the hilt. My head is a complete shed.

LSDEACON · 16/09/2014 13:25

Fully prepared to hear I am a c&&T but I agree that I am.

One of my secrets, the one which eats me up each day, the one that makes me want to kill myself sometimes is that five years ago I contracted herpes.

I dated around knowing I could never meet another guy or have children.
I met a guy, we slept together using condoms. I didn't tell him I had it. I was having wars in my head that I needed to leave him but it was so hard because I fell in love with him straight away. He didn't want to use condoms so I said we should go clinic together. I don't know why I said that I guess to buy myself some 'time'.

One night he took the condom off and I didn't know. I refused to have sex with him after that and decided that I needed to let him go.

A week later he called me to say he had been told he had it. I lied and said I didnt know I had it. He didn't believe me though. Obviously. My world crumbled. I was suicidal.

A few weeks later he said he missed me and we began seeing each other again. Although the relationship was equal and he did not want to be with me in a relationship. He would mention that he knew I was lying. He would see other women. I still stayed there hoping one day he would be with me.

This went on for about a year before I admitted that I did know. He obviously thought I was a liar and did not want to be in a proper relationship. It was difficultfor both of us, him because he had feelings for me but I guess hated me, me because I was horribly embarrassed and ashamed.

Fast forward a few years we are now in a commited relationship and live together, planning a child etc. Those years where it all happened feel like a bad dream. Neither of us mention it.I feel I have changed and I am horrified that I acted how I did and lied how I did.

He says I am the best thing that happened to him and loves and adores me but everyday I feel guilt and shame. Nobody knows anything about what happened. On the outside people think we are the perfect couple.

Darkesteyes · 16/09/2014 13:37

polymath i remember Dave Allen saying a similar thing in his stand up Grin

CarbeDiem · 16/09/2014 14:45

LS - The shame and self hatred can stop now. Stop beating yourself up. You made a big mistake, you fucked up, but it's not the end of the world. HE forgives you or else he wouldn't be with you now.
He says I am the best thing that happened to him and loves and adores me
For the love of baby kittens PLEASE LISTEN TO HIM and let it go :)

Bag - That is just fucking vile. Do you know for sure it's definitely him?

Orla There's nothing wrong in thinking 'what if' so long as it doesn't have a detrimental effect on your real life.
You'll never know if life would have been perfect with this other guy - he may have been an angel but he also may have been nightmare behind closed doors. I thought like you when I was with my exH but he was a cunt so not surprising really but what used to stop me in my tracks was when I'd look at my Dc and think - Yes I could have had a happier relationship/life and had dc with this person but NOT THESE EXACT DC, MY DC.

Polymath
You'll know what to do, believe me ;) Tis like riding a bike :)

Bagoffrogs · 16/09/2014 14:49

Carbe, name, location, age, height, pics all indicate it's him. Apparently it's someone else. And this other person goes online the same time as my DH is on the loo ....Hmm

Darkesteyes · 16/09/2014 14:59

Bag im sorry to tell you this but when i worked in a sex chatline office over a decade ago there were a few callers who used to call us from their bathroom with the shower running so their wives/girlfriends couldnt hear what they were up to.

LS PLEASE stop torturing yourself because it sounds to me like he adores you. I hope to find that one day Thanks

LSDeacon · 16/09/2014 15:04

I can't let it go because its forever!! I can't make it go away. He says all that but in the back of my mind I think maybe thats because he won't find anyone else now as he I have made him as dirty as me.

Thanks for your lovely words though xxx

AnyFucker · 16/09/2014 15:35

LS, you say he took the condom off without telling you ? Then he made a choice to risk his own sexual health. He is to blame, not you and I bet he would agree with me.

LSDeacon · 16/09/2014 15:44

His issue was that I lied to him about him when he confronted me. I acted like I did not know I had it. I should never have done that I know.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2014 15:46

That was to deflect from the fact he took the condom off without telling you. His misdemeanour was a whole lot worse than yours. He knows it, now you really need to catch up with that fact.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/09/2014 15:50

LS you know that something like 70% of the population has herpes don't you? He could have caught it years and years before he even met you. You need to stop beating yourself up! xx