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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling smothered

183 replies

Beautifulmonster · 26/07/2014 17:16

Been seeing a guy for a year. What do you think of the following:

  • about 20 texts a day, more if I don't reply, even more if we have had a falling out
  • at least 3 phone calls a day (I hate talking on the phone) sometimes at inconvenient times eg when I am at work and he knows I can't talk
  • pretending to be cool about me going out (I rarely go out) but when I do making me feel guilty by saying, I wish you had told me before and asking the same questions over and over eg about who is going as if to catch me out
  • when I had builders in my home, kept turning up unexpectedly at odd times as if to check up on me
  • ringing me all day long about what time the builders were finishing and what time they left and did they phone and who phoned etc
  • turned up outside my home at 9am one Sunday after a rare Saturday night to myself (he lives 30 miles away) accusing me of having a man in the house as my friend's car was on the drive and she had got a taxi home. He had driven to my home to check up on me
  • asking over and over about drinks in my fridge and saying the lager was a man's drink, who was it for etc
  • offering to do things to help me out but putting himself out so much it embarrasses me and then throwing at me in an argument that he feels used
It is as if he doesn't have enough in his life. He keeps texting saying he is bored. It puts pressure on me. I have tried to end it several times but he says he will fight for me. I know I have got to say a definitive no and stick to it. Can you understand why I am feeling smothered?
OP posts:
Original poster
Beautifulmonster · 27/07/2014 23:34

Thanks so much for your support everyone. Things seem to have calmed down now.

He started phoning this pm and when I didn't pick up he sent a text saying if you don't respond I will call at your home. I picked up and he was angry and threatening and said he would make my life hell for using him (didn't another poster say that's what her ex said? God there is a script isn't there?) That's when I thought of calling the police.

He texted straight back and said he was sorry, he was out of order, he didn't mean it. If ever I needed him, he would be there, etc, etc.

I was worried then that if I did call the police it would exacerbate things. So I haven't. I feel like he is placated but really I am just buying time before it kicks off again. I might ring 101 in the morning for advice.

I had thought I had got off lightly earlier in the day. I can't believe how accurate many of your predictions were about how he would behave.

OP posts:
FatewiththeLeadPiping · 27/07/2014 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/07/2014 23:41

OK, make sure you do ring 101 in the morning. Say that you have dumped your partner and he is making threats and that he may turn up at your house.

Remember you owe him nothing. Decent people accept getting dumped, even though they don't like it. Unless there are DC or joint finance involved, everyone has the right to end a relationship, walk away and refuse any further contact with the person they have dumped.

Don't listen to anyone who tells you this ridiculous knobber is 'heartbroken' or that you should 'give him a chance' or 'let him get closure'. He's entitled to not a single second of your time or attention. Because he is a deranged, inadequate, woman-hating creep.

maras2 · 28/07/2014 00:00

Please listen to SGB.She really is most helpful and knows her stuff.Again,good luck and stay safe.

venusandmars · 28/07/2014 00:05

BM why wait until morning to call 101? Why even debate it? They are not 999, they do not respond in the same way, but they do log your call and your concern and give them essential information if anything were to happen....

101 would much rather have a call from you NOW, on which they never need to act again, than a situation which requires a real emergency response.

Your ex is angry and hurting and unpredictable (in a predictable sort of way), please make sure that you do all you can to be safe.

yoyo27 · 28/07/2014 00:05

Please DP ring 101 and get a call logged. Stay safe x

Mabelface · 28/07/2014 00:38

Agree. Call 101 and get it logged. Don't wait till the morning.

greeneggsandjam · 28/07/2014 00:51

Don't be despondent. This was more than likely to happen. Look at the positives. You came here and got good advice. You sensibly put an end to things straight away and proved your doubts about him right. You are in a great position now and you just need to keep going. The next time he makes contact you ignore him and you call the police. Agree that you call them now and explain the situation.

AdoraBell · 28/07/2014 03:23

BM you can call 101 now, you don't have to wait for office hours.

And remember, as SGB says, you owe him nothing. You have the right to end a relationship that isn't working and this one wasn't working for you because of his behaviour. He chooses his behaviour. You chose to reject his behaviour. Simple.

Saltedcaramel2014 · 28/07/2014 04:45

Leave. It may be hard but as you say you just have to be consistent and firm. Get support from friends and family so you don 't get lonely and tempted to go back. Neither of you are ever going to thrive in a stifling relationship like this. He needs help.

BecauseIsaidS0 · 28/07/2014 04:49

Wanting to placate him - that's exactly what he expects you to do! He's subtly manipulated you all this time so that when he kicks off, you give in to placate him. Don't fall for it, call 101.

FunkyBoldRibena · 28/07/2014 06:36

Glad you are ok BM. Now, remember that he will use any trick in the book to get you to talk to him as that is how he will try to win you over. This may or may not include a great deal of stalking, jumping out at you on your regular routes, bumping into you shopping etc etc. And it may ramp up to threats of suicide. It's all in the abusers handbook.

The reason I asked how far does he live is that he seems to be at your door surprisingly quickly to sort things out with you, almost like he knows what is going to happen...which suggests to me a key logger on your computer. I think you need to get this checked out ASAP.

And yes, 101 and log all this.

Keep your friends and family informed, and make sure none of them are in contact or sharing any info that might prove valuable to him.

FunkyBoldRibena · 28/07/2014 06:39

Sorry, just retread the OP and it is 30 miles away. So it should have taken half an hourish to get to yours after any contact. If it has been significantly less than this, then you need to consider that he is getting info from other places such as a key logger etc.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 28/07/2014 08:06

Definitely call 101. Do you see how he is still manipulating you? He is still controlling your behaviour as you want to placate him and you don't want to anger him.

Call 101 and ask for advice. Say you have ended a relationship with this man as his behaviour was controlling and abusive and he has made threatening calls.

I was where you are now a decade ago and I wish I had involved the police from the off.

eddielizzard · 28/07/2014 08:25

I was worried then that if I did call the police it would exacerbate things.

for whom? him? make sure you put YOU first and call 101. he sure as hell doesn't have your best interests at heart, i can promise you. stop putting his feelings at the top of your list. you have to play hard ball to stop him escalating.

LividofLondon · 28/07/2014 09:51

Beautifulmonster, it's time to put yourself first and get tough. You do not owe him any more of your time and energy. All you need to do is call 101 and get this logged. When I lived in the sticks and had problems with an ex the police made a note of my address so that if I need them urgently they knew exactly where I was. There's no shame in involving them.

Any reasonable human would accept a relationship is over, sad as it may be for them, and leave their ex alone. Remember this. You've told him it's over (and no doubt explained in detail why), so he needs no more contact. Tell the police, then tell your ex that he's not to contact you ever again, either in person or via phone/text/email etc, and that if he does the police will do him for harassment. If he contacts you afterwards do not engage; don't answer his correspondence, just log it in a diary.

SweetErmengarde · 28/07/2014 11:39

You're doing great, BM. Please take everyone's advice on here and call 101. Even if they never have to act, it will set your mind at rest knowing you have logged everything and got the benefit of their advice.

YY also to PP who advised he may escalate, please do not be scared into placating him further. If he "turns up" anywhere you regularly spend time, walk away without a word. If he gets in touch threatening suicide or self harm, call 999. If he comes to your home, don't hesitaate to call the police.

I know it all sounds extreme but these things really do happen. I spilt up with my boyfriend when I was 19 for similar reasons to yours. He went from being a very nice (albeit clingy) person to a threatening, stalking nightmare. I took him back numerous times because I believed his threats of suicide and felt so guilty for hurting him (no MN to advise me then). The final straw came when he came to my house on the well-worn pretext of retrieving possessions and, while I was getting an item he'd asked for, went into my bedroom and destroyed some of my things in a really sinister way (beheading my stuffed animals saved from childhood etc).

It took intervention from my family to finally scare him off. I still felt guilty and worried that I'd hurt him irreparably, but he had a new girlfriend soon after and is absolutely fine to this day. Your ex will be too.

Sorry for the essay, I just want to spare you the stress and guilt I had. You're free now, please don't back down.

Original poster
Beautifulmonster · 28/07/2014 11:54

God sweet that sounds horrendous.

Yes I had the suicide threats last weekend. This weekend is nastier against me.

I'm not going to back down because I really do not want to see him although I do not feel anywhere near 'free' yet.

Thanks for all your comments everyone as they have given me strength and resolve.

OP posts:
BecauseIsaidS0 · 28/07/2014 11:58

I had a boyfriend once who threatened to kill himself if I ever dumped him. A week after I finally did, not only he was still alive but shagging someone else.

You seem to imply he's threatened you. Report it to the police, please, I beg you.

ilovelamp82 · 28/07/2014 12:35

The sooner you report all his actions. The sooner he will realise that it's not just a threat and you're free.

Don't worry about how it will make him feel. He doesn't worry about how you feel. In fact he specifically goes out of his way to ensure you feel shit and scared.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/07/2014 12:41

Hello OP - glad to read you have dumped his arse. He sounds vile.

Stay strong now. Completely NC. He will get over it and you will be embarking on a new happy future

Meerka · 28/07/2014 13:22

Keep strong.

Do ring 101 and keep every text, every communicatoin. If he turns up, note when and what happened. A good record will help you.

Also write down how you feel - this will help you handle it emotionally, because that's a great deal of the battle now - going through the steps to free yoruself. It has an emotional dimension to it, this fight to get him off your back.

This would get a lot worse if you'd stayed with him, btw. Imagine how much effort it must have taken for his ex-wife and exgf to get shot of him ...

Someone else had a very similar problem recently except he wasn't as bad, maybe it'll help to read their experience www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2125472-Did-I-do-the-right-things-by-threatening-to-contact-the-police-or-was-I-OTT. And this bloke wasn't as bad!

SolidGoldBrass · 28/07/2014 14:00

Unfortunately, men like this are never so obliging as to actually kill themselves. They are more likely to take two and a half junior disprins and call that an overdose...

RubbishMantra · 28/07/2014 14:29

These types of entitled arseholes are the worst. One of my exes behaved in a similar stalkerish fashion after we split. One night I had friends round, someone's mobile rang. It wasn't any of our phones. it was my ex's - he was standing outside peering through the window.

Final straw came when I arrived home from work to he had let himself in and done the washing up! (Didn't realise he had a key) I knew it was him, as he'd left a note on the coffee table begging me to take him back...

God, he was an arse!

BitOutOfPractice · 28/07/2014 14:34

Blimey Rubbish! At least he was a housetrained stalker I guess Wink

But seriously, how bloody creepy is that?