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Did I do the right things by threatening to contact the police or was I OTT?

(411 Posts)
CharlieBrookerScowl Sun 06-Jul-14 08:55:53

Broke up with my ex 3 and a half weeks ago. We'd been together almost 2yrs. At first he was angry and that was fine. I was very clear, everytime he asked in that first week, that it was 100% over. I had many reasons and felt he'd never change and I'd been very stressed and unhappy for months before.

The second week I'd asked him not to contact me and then got a few texts after that but he eventually left it. After lots of emotionally manipulative texts. I'm talking long essays about how sad he is/misses me & DS (not his and he was crap with him when we were together)/his family are upset/other kids keep asking after DS.

Then yesterday, after a week and a half of no contact (thank god, I thought that was it) he contacted me out of the blue with another guilt-trippy essay and begged me to just talk to him for a few minutes. It caught me off guard so I stupidly agreed as he said he just wanted to ask after DS etc (I am such a bloody idiot). He almost managed to talk me into meeting yesterday but I just said I couldn't handle it/didn't trust him not to try and beat me submission (not physically!) like he had been since we split. He really seemed to think enough harassment would win me back! shock

He sent lots of texts that I ignored after that begging to come over for just fifteen minutes and I was actually really creeped out all night. It was crap and every sound had me on edge (I live in a ground floor flat and needed the windows open as it was so hot)!

I replied in the morning saying please don't contact me. I asked you not to contact me before. To which he sent another essay begging to come over/we need to be together/give it a chance and I just saw red. I don't want to feel scared in my own home!! So I threatened to call 101 (and meant it). Was sent a reply along the lines of 'I can't believe you'd threaten that when I'm just telling you I love you' hmm Err I asked you not to contact me twice, in plain terms and you're scaring me. He has form for ignoring me wrt to boundary issues anyway.

I wasn't being OTT was I!? hmm

Whereisegg Sun 06-Jul-14 09:00:56

If you are feeling threatened and harassed then no one should tell you otherwise.
I think you actually need to ring 101 now though, as if you don't, he will just continue and possibly escalate knowing that you don't mean what you say.

I wouldn't blame you I would have felt the same, worrying he might turn up. Ring 101, they can give you advice and it will be logged in case anything does escalate.

Interested in the responses you get as I've just broken up with someone too and he's still texting - woke up to several nasty messages blocked by Mr Number (which unfortunately I can still read).

Hope he gets the message OP.

wallaby73 Sun 06-Jul-14 09:08:26

No, no you weren't AT ALL, i speak from experience (scarily similar), and it took a 3rd party to make me realise feeling on edge, scared and tense IN MY OWN HOME means several lines have already been crossed....i called 101 and explained the situation and they were brilliant; it WAS harassment. They were also clear about how to respond; don't try to reason, discuss, explain; did you reply to his last text of "i can't believe you'd do that"? If there has been dialogue since then, i would say one final clear text along the lines of "i have asked you several times already, i will say this one final time, any attempts to contact me or approach me in anyway i deem as harrassment and will involve the police" and be prepared to follow this through. Any reply to him after this point the police see as engaging with him so you have to mean it. It's also about the correct language to use with the police "i feel frightened and unsafe in my own home", which is absolutely true. You don't owe him anything, he is utterly taking the piss and harrassing you, no question xx

CharlieBrookerScowl Sun 06-Jul-14 09:08:31

I think that's it now. I registered his number as 'spam' (I have a Samsung) and he can only send texts that go to the spam folder and can't ring.

Also blocked on FB. I think he was shocked enough to 'get it' but if one more thing happens I'll at leats ring them to just log it or something? So they'll know if I need to ring in the future if he turns up etc.

StripeyFool Sun 06-Jul-14 09:09:26

Not OTT at all. You have been very clear that you don't want any more contact from him and he is totally disregarding this and I can see why you feel uncomfortable with this. Any further contact either by text or by turning up in person and contacting the police would be the best next step in my opinion.

CharlieBrookerScowl Sun 06-Jul-14 09:10:51

I did send one text saying yes, I felt I had to as I've asked him twice now to stop contacting me and he's ignored that twice.

He sent another one saying just one more thing, I love you Scowl hmm then that was it yeah if you love someone you actually respect their bloody boundaries and don't harrass them.

gamerchick Sun 06-Jul-14 09:24:48

I wouldn't threaten I would ask a policeman to have a word with him. Usually that's enough with a lot of people. Been there done that. They'll have a stern word to leave you alone and hopefully that'll hammer the message home.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 06-Jul-14 09:25:13

You have not been unreasonable, he should have backed off. And you don't have to justify or explain your actions to him so don't get sucked into an exchange.

Hissy Sun 06-Jul-14 09:29:05

I too think you ought to log this, and get your address flagged, just in case.

CharlieBrookerScowl Sun 06-Jul-14 09:35:36

I think I probably should as he has to walk past mine every morning to get to work. I'm moving soon but not soon enough for my liking!

DM wanted me to ring them in case I need to contact them in the future.

I don't have any of the texts left though as they were really upsetting and I just skimmed them as I delelted them so didn't fully read a lot of them. Would they still be able to log it?

unrealhousewife Sun 06-Jul-14 09:39:37

I would call the local police and mention it just in case you do need to call them one day. He sounds threatening, manipulative and stupid, a dangerous combination.

CharlieBrookerScowl Sun 06-Jul-14 10:02:01

He was never outright manipulative before the split but could be very stupid and was crap with other unrelated boundaries/respect in general.

CharlieBrookerScowl Sun 06-Jul-14 10:02:50

He just seems really confidant that I'll eventually take him back if he pesters me enough/promises enough stuff!

Whereisegg Sun 06-Jul-14 10:03:58

Log it with 101 today, you gave him fair warning.

Frogisatwat Sun 06-Jul-14 12:02:35

Is this the man who turned up pissed when you asked him not to?
You should log it with 101. He hasn't listened.

CharlieBrookerScowl Sun 06-Jul-14 13:08:51

Yeah, though that was when we were together and it was already planned that he was staying at home as he'd been drinking heavily due to a social thing and I was ill. He pretended to be 'sober' but turned up pissed out of his face etc.

I haven't heard a thing today.

CharlieBrookerScowl Sun 06-Jul-14 14:01:04

I'm more annoyed because it's made me feel quite worn down/tired. Glad it seems to be over but it's been a stressful week and I've not been as attentive to/patient with DS as a result, which isn't fair on him. Recharged a bit today though smile

Frogisatwat Sun 06-Jul-14 14:17:37

He wasn't respecting any of your boundaries and yes you were right to threaten with the police. You made it unequivocally clear to him it was over.
it drags you down. Ive been devastated over break ups in the past but never in a million years would I beg or manipulate. Most people wouldn't.

CharlieBrookerScowl Sun 06-Jul-14 14:24:28

I know. I was actually sad when we split but then all this happened since and I just wish I'd done it sooner. I don't owe him anything but I feel like he thinks he has the bloody 'rights' to me. And I've been on edge a lot the last week or so since it got more intense as I just didn't feel I could relax at home. I knew he was fairly selfish but most level-headed, decent people would've accepted a request for no contact after a break up. In the first week he kept sending texts about how he wasn't ready to give up on us etc, when I'd already made that choice for him by splitting!

I would never beg/manipulate/pester someone if they split with me. If anything I'd instantly go no contact, as a break up is pretty final! If he 'loves' me that much then surely he'd just respect that I wanted to be left alone! It seems like it's more about losing his property than the break up/me IYSWIM? Which sort of makes my skin crawl blush

Have a friend over this eve though which will take my mind off it smile

expatinscotland Sun 06-Jul-14 14:29:00

I'd log it with 101.

Summerbreezer Sun 06-Jul-14 14:36:27

Far from being OTT I actually think you're being UTT!

This man does not respect boundaries. He is harassing you - harassment does not have to involve a threat of violence.

If you ring the police, they will issue him with a "harassment notice" - basically telling him that if he contacts you again he will be arrested for harassment.

Please ring 101 and protect yourself. Men like this are very dangerous.

CharlieBrookerScowl Sun 06-Jul-14 14:40:41

He seemed to be shocked enough to stop. Didn't think I'd threaten him with that.

But yeah, I'm not sure I can 100% predict him like I thought. Didn't expect to hear from him after a week and a half of radio silence.

He's not turned up unnanounced since the day of the break up 3wks ago. Just texted (he'd probably have rung if he could but his number is in my 'auto reject' list).

heyday Sun 06-Jul-14 16:06:34

He probably thought he could wear you down and manipulate you into going back to him.
You did the right thing. Block his number. Do not reply to Any texts or phone calls at all, not one word. Make sure you keep any texts that he sends, don't delete them.
Perhaps he does still love you but you have told him quite plainly that it's over so now he has to respect your wishes. Hopefully the threat of police involvement has made him realise it's time to back off.
Stay strong.

CharlieBrookerScowl Sun 06-Jul-14 16:16:53

Thanks.

Yeah, he really seemed to think I'd eventually cave in hmm And it's all about how much he loves me/misses me/just wants a chance (he's had a million already) etc.

I'll keep anymore I get, if I get them and won't hesitate to act on the threat as he's had fair bloody warning.

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