Feeling smothered

[Beautifulmonster]

Been seeing a guy for a year. What do you think of the following:

• about 20 texts a day, more if I don't reply, even more if we have had a falling out
  
• at least 3 phone calls a day (I hate talking on the phone) sometimes at inconvenient times eg when I am at work and he knows I can't talk
  
• pretending to be cool about me going out (I rarely go out) but when I do making me feel guilty by saying, I wish you had told me before and asking the same questions over and over eg about who is going as if to catch me out
  
• when I had builders in my home, kept turning up unexpectedly at odd times as if to check up on me
  
• ringing me all day long about what time the builders were finishing and what time they left and did they phone and who phoned etc
  
• turned up outside my home at 9am one Sunday after a rare Saturday night to myself (he lives 30 miles away) accusing me of having a man in the house as my friend's car was on the drive and she had got a taxi home. He had driven to my home to check up on me
  
• asking over and over about drinks in my fridge and saying the lager was a man's drink, who was it for etc
  
• offering to do things to help me out but putting himself out so much it embarrasses me and then throwing at me in an argument that he feels used
  

It is as if he doesn't have enough in his life. He keeps texting saying he is bored. It puts pressure on me.
I have tried to end it several times but he says he will fight for me. I know I have got to say a definitive no and stick to it. Can you understand why I am feeling smothered?

[Meerka]

... stalky Klingon ... lol, what a perfect description

[hellsbellsmelons]

I hope you are OK OP.
Glad the police took it seriously.
It sounded serious TBF.

[pictish]

Obviously.

[AdoraBell]

Ah, like mother like son eh?

[gingercat2]

I know you said he didn't have a key, but do be careful as he may have had a copy made without your knowledge.

[pictish]

Oh except to say that he never did kill himself over me, and is now my brother's best mate.
I left my home town 20 years ago though, so I don't have to have anything to do with him.

[pictish]

Oh aye - she jabbed her finger into my face and shouted "you've broken my laddie's HEART! He tried to take an overdose because of YOU!"

Ffs we were 15...and this was after countless abusive, threatening phone calls over the course of a week too! But no...it was all my doing.

My mum called her friend's husband who was a local bobby, and he went round for a word with mother and son both.
I never heard from either of them again.

[AdoraBell]

Sweet it was most definitely not your fault. Glad to see he is now an ex.

[SolidGoldBrass]

A friend of mine had a stalky Klingon that she had to call the police on. His mother got involved, as well. Obviously not uncommon.

[LividofLondon]

LOL, Calamity that's priceless. Funny how they suddenly feel better and find strength when we don't play their game and respond in a sympathetic way. I've always been the type to get very cross when someone tries to emotionally blackmail or manipulate me, so these losers get short shrift from me too.

I had a problem man once email and threaten suicide, so I called the police and informed them (telling them I thought he was just trying to emotionally blackmail me rather than being serious). They went to check on him and obviously he was fine so they gave him a bollocking and basically told him not to be such a dick

[SweetErmengarde]

They really are predictable, aren't they?

I've never spoken much about my ex, it's a relief in a way to see that this is part of a "script" and that I didn't somehow send him off his rocker by wanting to split up.

Even though his behaviour was awful, I have always blamed myself a little. Thanks everyone for sharing.

[AdoraBell]

My sister had an ex "overdose" when she was in the process of getting rid after years of violence. She found him slumped outside the front door. She played the concerned GF and drove him to A&E where she dumoed him at the door saying he's OD'd and I have to get back to the kids, they didn't have DCs.

They eventually found out he had indeed "swallowed a bottle of medicine" but it was kid's cough mixture.

Pictish can I send my DDs round for lessons please?

[CalamityKate1]

Lol Pictish!

That type of bloke often has that type of mother, don't they?

The mother of my bleating "Just called to say goodbye" twat told me once in all seriousness that he couldn't be blamed for continually cheating on his first wife because she used to have (female) friends round a lot.

Awful people.

[pictish]

I had an ex in my teens who took an 'overdose' after I ditched him. He had been clingy, manipulative and verbally abusive for the year we'd been together, and I quite rightly had had enough of him.
Of course, he called in floods of tears, to tell me what he'd done. I was made of stern stuff even then, and told him to call a doctor or an ambulance rather than me.

This led to his mother turning up at my door red faced and crying because I broke her laddie's heart.

I was 15 at the time. Get to fuck.

[TillyWithercoat]

Keep NC; surround yourself with as many friends, family, neighbours, colleagues as you can, and contact the police at any hint of threat.

[CalamityKate1]

Unfortunately, men like this are never so obliging as to actually kill themselves. They are more likely to take two and a half junior disprins and call that an overdose...

Ain't that the truth?!

After I left him, my arsehole XH used to call me in the early hours of the morning to tell me in a quavery little voice how he couldn't go on, and that he was "just.....just phoning to say goodbye "

So I'd go "Righto. Cheerio then" and the quavering would turn into indignant ranting - "YOU HEARTLESS BITCH!! YOU DONT GIVE A SHIT DO YOU?!"

Well no I didn't. Needless to say he never went through with it. Sadly.

[ilovelamp82]

I agree with Garlic. The Freedom programme will help you understand what has happened to you and the way he thinks a little bit.

Well done for calling the police. Hopefully if he sees that you are not going to stand for it and there is no way back in he'll leave you alone.

Be good to yourself now. It's a difficult thing to unravel in your head.

[GarlicJulyKit]

I am SO glad you got an informed response from the police, BM! Congrats on making that call

Yes, it's a shock. Don't worry, your horizons are opening and your insight's deepening. Once this fuckhead moves along to pastures new, you can do the Freedom Programme and learn some more about the different ways people's minds work. It's all very fascinating

[pictish]

"I'll fight for you"
Translation - I do not accept your decision to end the relationship, and I plan to bombard you until you give in.

I mean what fight can there possibly be to have, otherwise?

Sounds romantic.
Isn't.

[AdoraBell]

Fab most people don't actually think that someone using the words "I love you" will kill them, unfortunately.

BM well done. Going back to something he has said to you, "I'll fight for you" who is he going to fight? Who is trying to take you away from him?

Answer, no one. You are leaving of your own free will and that is what people like him do not recognize or accept. That you are a free person and as such you can make a decision about your life. As you have probably realized that is not love.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

[Meerka]

hiya BM

I suspect it will take a while for you to see how dangerous he truly is. If the police officers said that - you are potentially in real danger.

I'm sorry :/ it must be very sobering.

Please record every contact he makes with you, every single one, and let the police know. Also, make sure your firends and family know the situation.

Again, thank god you got out now. Do you by any chance have any contact with his ex's ? is it worth talking to them? They may be able to tell you what worked to get rid of him.

[BecauseIsaidS0]

I second Funky. Get the computer checked out, I'm betting money on a ghost in the machine. And yy to Itsfab: value yourself more than him.

I'm sorry that you now feel scared, but scared/aware is better for you right now, it will make you take the appropriate measures to protect yourself.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Hi BM - I've been worried about you. Now - hopefully you can see why we were so concerned?

Take care and keep your mobile phone charged and with you.

And please do get your computer checked out.

[Itsfab]

Why are you shocked? I fear that is because you do not understand the danger you are in and therefore the seriousness of the situation. Unfortunately 2 women every day or week, I am not sure, die at the hands of their partner or ex. Value yourself more than him and hopefully you will be safe. The police do not have the resources to visit someone NOT at risk. Think about it.