Feeling smothered

[Beautifulmonster]

Been seeing a guy for a year. What do you think of the following:

• about 20 texts a day, more if I don't reply, even more if we have had a falling out
  
• at least 3 phone calls a day (I hate talking on the phone) sometimes at inconvenient times eg when I am at work and he knows I can't talk
  
• pretending to be cool about me going out (I rarely go out) but when I do making me feel guilty by saying, I wish you had told me before and asking the same questions over and over eg about who is going as if to catch me out
  
• when I had builders in my home, kept turning up unexpectedly at odd times as if to check up on me
  
• ringing me all day long about what time the builders were finishing and what time they left and did they phone and who phoned etc
  
• turned up outside my home at 9am one Sunday after a rare Saturday night to myself (he lives 30 miles away) accusing me of having a man in the house as my friend's car was on the drive and she had got a taxi home. He had driven to my home to check up on me
  
• asking over and over about drinks in my fridge and saying the lager was a man's drink, who was it for etc
  
• offering to do things to help me out but putting himself out so much it embarrasses me and then throwing at me in an argument that he feels used
  

It is as if he doesn't have enough in his life. He keeps texting saying he is bored. It puts pressure on me.
I have tried to end it several times but he says he will fight for me. I know I have got to say a definitive no and stick to it. Can you understand why I am feeling smothered?

[BecauseIsaidS0]

Do it over the phone. Tell him you don't want to see him, and that you mean it. Don't open the door and if (when?) he gets scary, say you will call the police, and mean it.

[Beautifulmonster]

I have felt for some time the over helpfulness was a control thing eg making me feel indebted to him, making himself indispensable/I don't need anyone else.

[theDudesmummy]

Potentially very dangerous, and I do not say that lightly, I work in a field which includes risk assessment of exactly this kind. Get out now while you can.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

You summed it up nicely in your thread title, he really is smothering you.

Keep your eyes on the prize and imagine how you will feel when it's over.

[flappityfanjos]

You honestly don't have to end it face to face. I know that's how people are 'supposed' to end relationships, but that totally does not apply when the other person displays obsessive, scary, controlling behaviour. Don't risk your safety over some ideal of dating etiquette or a sense that people have the right to be dumped in person. He has forfeited that right about a hundred times over.

[wyrdyBird]

Yes, over helpfulness is a control thing, you are spot on.

I would recommend ending the relationship by phone or text, or in public with a friend on call - not alone at your house.

Keep strong, and don't let him wheedle his way back in afterwards.

[Itsfab]

You are making it dramatic too.

Tell him you don't want to see him anymore then block his number.

Call 101 to say what has happened previously and you feel vulnerable.

Get some friends round.

[ilovelamp82]

You are insightful. It is abusive. Well done to you for realising that you need to do something about it.

I agree that it would be advisable to break up with him over the phone. Telling him he is abusive will go in one ear and out the other. He will try to keep you engaged incoconversation until you submit again so just be simple and clear.

I am not happy in this relationship. I no longer want to be together and would like you to respect my decision and give me space.

Don't give him anything that he can start making excuses for and engage you.

If he won't respect your decision and space, repeat again and advise him that if he can't do what you have asked you will call the police - and follow up on it.

He sounds dangerous. Keep safe and good luck

[GarlicJulyKit]

Don't invite him to yours! I agree with dumping him by phone. This is going to get messy.

Don't feel obliged to give him reasons. He is not in charge of your relationship choices. You can honestly say he's too intrusive & doesn't leave you alone (especially if you dump him in public, as there'll be witnesses) but, whatever you say, he won't accept it so you are going to have to walk away without a so-called resolution.

[Redtartanshoes]

Agree with what everyone else has said.

I read you post and there are so many similarities to the "relationship" I have just ended. My ex logged jnto my fb/emails etc, accused me of having an affair with a gay work colleague twice my age, rang my dd's dad and told him to watch his back , would turn up at all hours, beg me to take him back each time I ended it.

There was a turning point where something inside me just snapped, I told him to fuck off, blocked him on phone/email/fb and told him that if he comes anywhere Near me I'll call the police, and believe me I will.

Weirdo stalkers . Fuckers

[Beautifulmonster]

Really redtartanshoes? Yes I have had the Facebook accusations too, the monitoring of the number of friends I have, etc.

[sonjadog]

Another vote for telling him on the phone. Do you have a friend who can be at your house when you do it? Just in case he turns up. Don't get into discussion with him. You are ending it because you are unhappy and don't want to be with him. No discussion. He will tell you you have to hear him out, talk to him one last time, etc. No, you don't have to. Ignore all attempts to guilt you into doing what he wants.

[MellowAutumn]

Abusive men are rarely original :)

[Beautifulmonster]

No friends who know but I've got my sister who is supporting me in ending it.

[Iflyaway]

I agree... He's way over the top, having been in abusive relationships this would've had me running for cover immediately....

That previous message someone wrote for you is all you need. I would definitely drop the "yours" though, just adds more fuel to the fire.

If you've been with him a year, do you have friends who you can call on for support - even just over the telephone.

And please don't hesitate to call the police if need be. That you "live in the sticks" worries me.
I live in town and only need to scream out the window to get taken notice of....

Best of luck, be strong, you can do it.
And yes, do the Freedom Programme.

[Beautifulmonster]

I will do the freedom programme as I am worried about an emerging pattern for me in relationships, especially in ending them.

[hollycomputer]

Like other posters, I'm afraid I would run an absolute mile from this. And then run more.

I once had a partner who was similar - constantly checking on me, constant phone calls and getting angry if I was in a meeting and couldn't talk, accusing me of lying if I went out with work colleagues. At first it seemed like just concern for me but rapidly became controlling. He monitored my Facebook all the time and questioned why I had 'so many men' on there.

Having never been in a similar relationship, I didn't realise what he was doing. I spent ages trying to reason with him which was hopeless because you can't reason with someone who's being unreasonable and everything I said was twisted and turned back on me.

Tell him it's off and why. Don't allow him to twist your words or draw you into an argument. Good luck!

[Handywoman]

I would ring 101 and discuss ending this ASAP to make it as safe as possible. I too am worried for your safety - this does seem risky and you live in the sticks. I think someone should physically stay with you while you end this relationship. Please be safe and good luck

[mindyourown1]

I agree with everyone else - get rid immediately.

Freedom Programme is possible online too if you can't do it in person

www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Please don't end it in person! Do it over the phone. Call in the morning, and cancel the meeting and say that you won't be meeting again - ever. It isn't working for you. It isn't going to happen. Do not contact you again. and break off all communications, block etc etc etc.

And yes, get your sister or a good friend around for the day and the night if possible. You may need backup.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

How are you this morning?

[Beautifulmonster]

Thanks for asking. I did tell him on the phone this morning that it's over. He asked if we could say goodbye face to face. Thinking of what you all said on here I replied no.

Of course he decided there was something he urgently needed from my house and he would come to get it later. I put it on the doorstep and was intending to go out for the day. However he turned up almost straight away.

He asked could we remain friends and go out to lunch from time to time. I said that was not a good idea.

He called me a cruel heartless bitch and has not contacted me since.

I am determined to stick to my decision and and so glad I posted yesterday as I would be feeling sorry for him now.

[hamptoncourt]

Hopefully that is it, but I have to ask why you answered the door? I would have just ignored him.

Block him on your phone/email/facebook etc and move on with your life.

[Beautifulmonster]

My front door was open, I was on my way out and he unexpectedly appeared.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Phew- good on you! Please be wary tho...